Chester FC tumbled out of the FA Trophy on Saturday, losing 3-2 to quasi-football club Ebbsfleet United.
Ebbsfleet, better known as Gravesend and Northfleet but put through a real-life Championship Manager editor, took the lead in the first half through Calum Willock. The Blue Square Premier side, owned entirely by avatars from online peculiarity Second Life doubled their lead through Yado Mambo, on 55 minutes. This led Neil Young and Garys Powell and Jones to keep spirits up on the bench by doing their fabled Lou Bega impression. As Young roared "Mambo Fifty Five!", Powell growled "now bring in the trumpet!" and Jones strutted down the touchline with a shiny trumpet, ripping a mint solo.
Jones was still tooting away as Matty McNeil stooped to nod home from an Alex Brown free kick. With the score at 2-1, Jones switched his tune from 'Mambo Number Five' to 'Please Mr Postman' by the Marvellettes before being told to "give it a rest, now" by Neil Young. This intervention by Young saved the fans a rendition of 'Hippy Hippy Shake' as Ricky Shakes re-instated World Of Warcraft FC's two goal lead shortly after, following a particularly well-timed push of the circle button by an Ebbsfleet fan. The game was then paused for a couple of minutes, as the Fleet Chairman’s mum came in to ask what he wanted for tea.
With the contest looking beyond Chester, more drama was to come. With twenty minutes still to play, Jamie Rainford hit a strike from the edge of the box, which found the net via a deflection to pile the pressure back onto the hosts, who are sponsored by "The Sims 5: Ownin' a Football Club".
Alas, there were no more goals to come as Ebbsfleet’s ‘managers’ changed their team’s mentality settings from “attacking” to “balanced” and TheFleet.com ran out winners. Despite the defeat, Chester fans clamoured to give maudlin accounts of how proud of their club they are.
"Who'd believe that a team of part-timers could run a team of part-timers so close? We've come so far," sobbed Gerry Nailfile, who had made the trip South.
Meanwhile, Ebbsfleet gleefully took the chance to patronise The Blues.
"Aw, what a great little club," said one club official, a Level 18 Warrior.
"I'm sure you'll be in the Blue Square Premier soon, bless."