Friday, 30 March 2012

Chester FC v Whitby Town - Match Predictor

Chester will seek to extend their winning streak to seven games tomorrow as they welcome Whitby Town to the Exacta Stadium.

Following the latest victory over North Ferriby United, speculation is rife as to when Chester will actually lay their hands on the league title.

The debate has polled highly on the twice-monthly List Of Inane Things Chester Fans Get Their Pants In A Twist About, with a greater score than even such classics as "Wes Baynes – did he mean it?", "we'd better all get a vote on next season's socks", "Elton Welsby" and "Actually, looking back, Terry Smith was quite funny, wasn't he?"

"We could finally secure the title at any number of venues - it could be Stocksbridge, Chorley, NORTHWICH...,” shrieked The CFU member Ronnie Calypso, who admits that in the meantime he is putting the existence of his wife and children "to one side".

Other fans have suffered with migraines, trying to mathematically predict the exact date of Chester's increasingly inevitable triumph.  There have been several reports of Blues fans attempting to guess upcoming results in matches involving teams they've seen play on a maximum of two occasions before collapsing with a searing headache brought on by a combination of the intense algorithms involved and the realisation that there are just more important things in life.

"Look!" exclaimed Hoole-based fan Gary Pilchard, 29-year-old season ticket clutcher and crashing bore.  "If these few teams - all of whom are having a pretty decent season form-wise, as evidenced by their being in the top five of the table - if ALL of them lose their next two games, right, we could win the league this week!"

"I suppose trying to work out when it might happen won't make it come around any quicker," sighed E Block dweller Henry Fishoil. "I was always like this as a kid. I remember every Christmas, I would try to estimate the exact time at which Santa would come down the chimney, when all the time I should have just been enjoying the spectacle rather than indulging in tedious maths."

"I did manage to correctly predict Santa as turning up at precisely 1.32am in 1972 though - who was laughing then?"

The Jestrian's own predictions and calculations suggest that Chester will secure the title by picking up enough points to ensure that no-one else can score more than them.  You're welcome.

Club officials have remained calm under all the hype, with Blues CEO The Pet Husky conjuring a wry smile before exclaiming "Who cares, it's in the bag anyway – get yourself into the Rugby League instead."

Some of Chester's more worrisome followers have urged caution on title talk, reminding fellow supporters of the traumatic Garforth scenario last season, even though we are 11 points clear with seven games left, for goodness' sake. These fans have been grating on everyone all season by pouring scorn on the situation whenever Chester have taken a two goal lead, reminding anyone who will listen about that one game where we conceded two late goals to Witton, before zipping it when reminded that we still won that one anyway.

There are probably lots of really interesting things to say about Whitby Town, but you've got Google - you go and find them.

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