Your not-so-regular round-up of jobs currently available at the Exacta Stadium.
Alex Hay has indicated that he fancies actually watching a Chester game some time, so we need someone to fill in. Duties include watching the next team that Chester have to play whilst they kick lumps out of their opponents, then describing them to Youngy as "physical" in order to ensure that he refuses to play wingers when the match comes around.
Following a two week period in which nothing has happened, CFC are seeking a new Jamie Rainford to make things a bit interesting again. The primary role of the successful candidate will be to divide the opinion of the fans by recklessly taking to Twitter to publish every thought they have. All tweets must be mispelled and where possible, devoid of vowels. Experience in naming yourself after one of the best players in the world is desirable.
All applications must be submitted to Neil Young, who will pay well over the odds for your services.
Safety Announcement Guy
It has come to our attention that no-one actually listens to the safety announcement. Numerous attempts have been made to fashion an announcement which people will actually pay attention to, but still the most memorable rendition is that one which was read out in such a grim tone that you'd be forgiven for thinking that the fella was actually conveying the message that the ground is already on fire, and that there's no way out.
Therefore, CFC is looking to employ a new Safety Announcement Guy, to go round each individual fan on match day and let them know what the procedure is should the ground need evacuating. The successful candidate should possess the ability to speak a bit louder in the West Stand, as that lot are always moaning about how they can't hear the announcements.
Please forward applications to CEO The Pet Husky. Any applications received including the question as to why Chester are the only team in the entire country to have a safety announcement will be immediately disregarded.
To be honest, we keep bandying this word around, but no-one actually knows what it means. The Pet Husky thinks it might be something to do with bees, so maybe if you're a bee keeper, give us a bell?