Monday, 23 April 2012

Chester FC 4-0 Marine - Completion Report

The season drew to a close on Saturday as Chester scored two more than they were supposed to en route to a 4-0 thumping of Marine.

Numerous Blues fans walked out as Chris Simm smashed in the third of the game, thereby ruining their pre-meditated "100 goals/100 points" t-shirts and banners.

Marc Williams got scoring underway, before turning provider as Chris Simm nodded home Chester's second.  Simm isn't renowned for his aerial prowess, and Blues manager Neil Young described the former Southport forward’s headed goal as "rarer than an edition of Banksy's Blog that doesn't start with the word 'well'."

At this point, the Seals were on for finishing the season with 100 goals and 100 points.  In spite of the pleasing nature of the round numbers and the symmetry, the referee chose to play enough first half injury time for Chris Simm to hammer home Chester's third of the game and their 101st of the season, spoiling it for everyone.

"People like the number 100," grumbled Harry Mac regular Larry Goatscheese, in the immediate aftermath of the strike.  "Ever seen a cricketer raise his bat because he's scored 101?  No.  Where does Winnie the Pooh live?  Not ‘Hundred and One Acre Wood' is it?  I’ve never had hundred and ones and thousands on my ice crème.  Simmo has made a nonsense of the whole season with that goal.”

Simm wasn’t done however, and rounded off his hat-trick midway through the second half, much to the delight of everyone in the stadium, save for those who enjoyed quoting negative statistics about him whilst putting forward their case for recalling Jamie Rainford from Halifax earlier in the season.

“I still reckon Rainford could do a job,” muttered West Stand shuffler Jimmy Contrarian.

With the game drawing to a close, Matty McGinn - sick of the constant shouts of “shoot” whenever he touched the ball - visibly snapped.  Screaming “FINE THEN!”, McGinn almost produced a carbon copy of his Northwich thunderbolt, denied only by a stunning finger-tip save from the Marine keeper.

Meanwhile, fans were studying the still photo of McGinn’s promotion winning goal in the free programme, which displayed the left-back as having struck the ball with a fully intact boot.

“This whole ‘I hit it so hard it ripped my boot’ line is clearly some folk tale he wants us to believe, but in reality, it probably got torn in a 50/50 melée three minutes later,” confirmed club historian Jazz Drummer.

Chester ran out comfortable 4-0 winners, and Neil Young confirmed his surprise at the ease with which his team succeeded.

“I thought the Marines were supposed to be tough,” said a clearly confused manager.

The Blues lifted the trophy after the game, with CEO Pet Husky promising a “Champions League style” presentation.  This translated to hiring two hydraulic streamer cannons - only one of which was deployed in time, and both of which were pretty weak, doing little other than adding to both the club’s carbon footprint and next year’s admission prices.  It did, however, look quite good in the photos, and many fans were left wondering if they’d been at a different game altogether upon viewing the images.

In a post-match speech to the entire crowd, manager Young announced that he didn’t believe there was any such thing as a “rest” between seasons, leading to looks of disbelief on the faces of his exhausted squad, many of whom are looking forward to a team holiday in Magaluf.

“Me and Mrs Youngy will be going along as chaperones, to make sure the boys don’t get up to any mischief,” said the gaffer.  “We’ve got some right rascals in the squad and you can’t take your eyes of them for a second.”

Tomorrow on the Jestrian – the end of season awards.

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