Tuesday, 24 April 2012

The Jestrian End of Season Awards

Player of the Season
Michael Powell, for having an excellent quiff and always getting booked, thereby providing the Jestrian with endless material - or at least, a little bit of material which we've mercilessly flogged the life out of.

Honorouble Mentions - Iain Howard made a late play for the honour by growing some unlikely hair and getting some sparkly teeth, whilst Michael Taylor is the subject of Jestrian derision, showing no interest in the accolade by doing nothing noteworthy all season.

The 'real' Evo-Stik Premier League Champions
Hednesford Town.  Yes, Chester amassed 100 points and 102 goals, but the Blues lost both home and away to The Pitmen - and once more in the cup for good measure.

If only football championships were awarded like boxing titles, Hednesford's exuberant celebrations at the Exacta may have been justified.  The only things missing from the Midlands side's jubilant greeting of the final whistle were a ropey-looking confetti cannon and a half-completed lap of honour.  Oh, and the subsequent inability to consistently win matches against poor teams.

Runners Up - Nantwich Town, for their comprehensive thrashing of the Blues on the August Bank Holiday weekend coupled with a point at the Exacta in January.

Honourable Mentions - Northwich Vics, who avoided defeat twice, and Chasetown, who came within two minutes of doing the same, but for Michael Wilde's late winner at home in October.  The Scholars went on to be relegated by a point.  Sorry about that.

The Danny Toronczak Jug
Chester fans have an obsession with crediting anyone but their own players for victories, and the Danny Toronczak Jug is presented to a player who doesn't play for Chester, but still influenced their season completely by chance.  Chester were so dominant this year that the candidates for the jug are few and far between.

The judging panel finally settled on Tom Field as the rightful recipient, his incorrect registration for Northwich allowing Chester an extra three point lead, meaning that the Blues could win the title at the Exacta instead of out at Mickleover.

That Northwich were latterly booted out of the Evo-Stik League is of no consequence to the award - however, it is worth pointing out that their ineligibility for promotion means Chester actually went 'past the post' in terms of points needed for the title at North Ferriby United.  Therefore, only the 400 real fans who travelled to Humberside on a Tuesday night actually saw the champions crowned, whilst, in reality, the 5009 bank holiday glory hunters missed their target by a couple of weeks.

The "That one girl at the office who's a bit too keen" Award
Winners: Witton Albion.

Witton Albion very kindly opened their social club to travelling Chester fans ahead of the Boxing Day clash with Northwich.  Everyone had a pleasant time, but Albion proceeded to bombard Chester with texts asking when they could hang out again and insisting that Blues fans should come to a Witton game some time.

Their persistence has paid off in part, with Chester reportedly agreeing to a pre-season friendly with Albion.  However, this is merely likely to give Witton the false hope that a meaningful relationship might flourish before the Blues crush them by going off with Vauxhall Motors, 'cos they have a car.

Most Splendidly Named Opposition Manager
Peter Rinkcavage claims a comfortable victory with a surname that sounds like an attacking move in a game of competitive fell-walking.

Rinkcavage benefits in this category from being in a league full of managers with humour-devoid names, such as Kevin Lynch at Marine, Rob Smith of Hednesford and Mickleover's Dick Pratley.

Awkward Moment of the Season
Kitman Jimmy Soul turning up to the Chester Soul Night at the Exacta, having mistakenly believed it to be a long-overdue tribute to himself.

Football Writers Award
A lot of competition for this one... The Tall Peacock off of the Chronicle and Tennis Ball from the Evening Leader did battle all season, both producing countless 'state the obvious' exclusives, with scoops including Michael Wilde wanting to play and score goals, Michael Taylor revealing that the team would not let up for the title run-in and numerous articles indicating that Neil Young likes it when Chester win.

Meanwhile, Chronicle pin-up Sharks Prowling finally brought the printed word into the 21st Century.  In a world in which image has become so important, Prowling's bad-boy persona and flowing locks have become a hit with women throughout the Cheshire area, reinvigorating the Chronicle at an uncertain time for local journalism.

Twitter also plays a part, and The Tall Peacock was looking good to win the award due to his ability to always tweet a Chester goal a split-second before the official club feed.  However, a sloppy failure to identify a Matty McGinn assist at Mickleover saw renewed calls for Prowling to take over the Twitter mantle, and we wound up giving the award to our cat, mostly because the trophy for this one looks a bit like a ball of wool.

Award for "Just not getting it"
Goes to whichever Wrexham fan linked to the Jestrian from Red Passion, with the comment "Chester fands [sic] admitting that they are Jesters..."

Honestly, I've got no idea what that even means.

Runner Up - The other one from The Blue & White for getting all upset when we jokingly accused them of ripping off our material, after they ripped off our material.  Look out for a cut-out Tall Peacock tail on the back of issue 4 ;)

The Chorley Cup
Awarded to the team with whom angry Chester fans try to strike up a faux-rivalry, Northwich Victoria were in contention for this one thanks to a disreputable owner, a theatrical right back and a ticketing policy that was as needlessly obstructive and stupid as the one in place at Victory Park last year.  That, and their ability to win a few football games, thus jeopardising Chester's rightful position as The Best.

However, when the Vics fans sportingly clapped Chester's championship victory, it became evident that the Chorley Cup was to stay right where it already is.  In Chorley.

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