Friday, 18 May 2012

Chester FC vs The End of Season Awards - Dinner Preview

Chester return to action tomorrow as they face the End of Season Awards at a packed Chester Racecourse.

Attendees are expected to turn up wearing suits in homage to CFU Media Whirlygig Jiff Bricks, meaning that the cumulative cost of clothing in the room is likely to top £70.

"We're doing a roaring trade," said Matalan shop assistant Johnny Degree.

Cheshire Oaks outlets have also reported recession-busting trade, with spokesman Robbie Halfprice confirming "we've seen a run on polyester normally reserved for Christmas party season at Chester Business Park."

Neil Young is expecting a tough test from The Awards, and has already confirmed that he will have two goalkeepers on his table, in case one gets injured.

"Plus, Glenno's got some cracking anecdotes.  Did you know that Scotland has its own football league?", asked an incredulous Blues Boss.

Controversy has surrounded The Awards in the lead-up to the dinner, with rumours that the mischievously backhanded Most Improved Player trophy may make an appearance.

"Do you remember getting that one, when you were playing under 13s?", smirked an un-named Awards Representative.  "The sudden realisation that everyone thought you were dreadful at the start of the season?  Bam!  Self-esteem shattered.  We'll be giving that one to whichever player shows signs of wanting a move away."

The match is also expected to provide a frantic midfield tussle, as several fans fall over each other to pay ridiculous prices for not-that-limited edition stuff in the auction.

"Sure, I could take my shirt along and get it signed, or I could pay £800 for a pre-prepared one – bargain, right?", mused super fan Gerry Thistles.

Meanwhile, any exciting prizes - like last year's "manager for a day" offer – will be snapped up by self-storage guru Andrew Donaldduck in the absence of any other rich Chester fans.

The match official is Famous Colin Murray, whose fee is not as great as first expected.

"We were gonna pay top whack for him," admitted media cobbler Bricks.

"But then we found him on a lookalikes website, doing turns as The Tall Peacock.  His fee for that kind of work is much less, given the surprisingly low demand for doubles of local journalists.  Except for Sharks Prowling ringers, of course.  People will pay an arm and a leg for a bit of that."

The pinnacle of the evening should be the Player of the Year Award, but will probably end up being the sight of Chris Simm swaying about, glazed over and slurring before taking a sip of his first pint.

Kick off is at 7.30pm.

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