Oxford City 0-1 Chester FC - Southern Report

Chester got their season underway in style by biffing Oxford City 1-0 in their own backyard, allowing Blues fans to celebrate their first opening day victory for six years.

"It's actually only two years for me," explained superfan Gerry Slingshot.  "At Warrington a couple of seasons back, I bought a pie, and they gave me a quid too much in the change.  Winner."

In a surprise move, Levi Mackin was given the nod to start at left-back amidst concerns that the extreme humidity in Oxford might serve to make Sean Clancy's hair look silly.

"The lad works hard on his appearance and making him play with a frizzy barnet would have been a potentially damaging way to start Clance's season," confirmed manager Neil Young.

Meanwhile, Iain Howard started on the left wing, having now seen off the challenges of 236 alternative left-sided options that Young has brought in over the last two and a half years.

"I like to keep Iain on his toes by making sure that at any given time, there's three new left wingers hanging around the club - we've had Matty McGinn, Jerome Wright, Luke Holden, Stefan Cox, Sean Clancy... works a treat," elaborated the Blues Supremo.

Howard continued to prove his class by rifling home the first and only goal of the game within the second minute.  The midfielder, who appears to be aging backwards, bashed the ball into the net following good work by David Hankin.

"It were a good goal by Iain, but were his teeth always that shiny?", enquired one fan, who'd contracted a migraine due to the glare eminating from Howard's gnashers.

Chester passed the ball around nicely, and at one point must have strung together three or four passes - something which left manager Young incapacitated for large sections of the second half.

"We shifted it about well, and I spent from half-four onwards fielding calls from Liverpool wanting to pay several million pounds for Antoni Sarcevic," recounted the gaffer.

"He's in a newly promoted team and playing some decent footy - LFC tend to value that in excess of twenty mill.  I've asked Sarce about it though, and he's not ready for another backwards step at this point in his career.  Wants to play Champions League one day, like."

Other chances fell for both sides, but neither team could make them count, unable to swing a leg hard enough through the thick, sickly air.  An injury time opportunity for Iain Howard went begging, as he slipped on some surface-sweat on the pitch, slicing his shot against the post.

Neil Young was understandably delighted with the win, but did confirm that training would be taking place in a sauna on Wednesday, in order to help the team better cope with such muggy conditions should they arise again.

"We'll also be playing heads and volls in a walk-in freezer if we ever have to go away to Kendal again," nodded Young, sagely.

Meanwhile, Chester took a few fans, who all patted each other on the back for being there.