Former Alfreton Town man Nathan Jarman has joined the Blues and has impressed so far in pre-season friendlies. With fan favourites Michael Wilde and Chris Simm having departed, Jarman knows that he will have to work hard to win the affection of the Blues faithful, but the striker says he is relishing the challenge.
"Hopefully I can emulate Wildey and Simmo's performances from last
season by spending long periods out injured whilst the midfielders and
full backs score for fun," says Jarman, earnestly.
At 25, Jarman should be approaching his peak but this should be set against the fact that, outside of football, his other job is one
of the more dangerous in the CFC squad. After accidentally eating some
out-of-date jam in 2001, Nathan contracted super powers enabling him to
open any jar, regardless of how tight that lid is on there.
"I get a tingling sensation whenever someone in the neighbourhood is
having trouble getting their lemon curd open," explains the former
Grimsby Town man.
"In a flash, I transform into Jar Man, ride
round their house on my 7-speed bike and help 'em out. It's tiring some
nights, but with great power comes great responsibility to help people
enjoy their toast."
Unlike most superheroes, Jar Man does not concern himself with keeping his identity secret.
don't think I need to. It's not like I'm fighting hardened criminals
or flying round cities like a spider or writing a vaguely provocative
blog," muses Jarman.
"I'm just getting into tricky marmalade containers and the odd
Nutella. That said, I'm told that I did upset some people at Uncle
Ben's because apparently they deliberately ram those lids on so that people give
up and buy more... but that can't be true, can it?"
It is thought that the forward, who started his career at Barnsley,
first came to Neil Young's attention when he burst in through the window
of the Chester manager's mansion in order to help Mrs Young twist the top off a
stubborn jar of pickled onions.
"I love my pickled onions and it would have been a catastrophe if the
missus couldn't get 'em open, because there's not a 24-hour ASDA round
our way," recounts Young.
"Luckily, Nath shows up and pops that jar open
good. One pickled onion fell out, but he did a couple of keepy-ups with
it before volleying it into the dog's mouth. That's when I knew he was
our man. Binned Wildey off immediately after that like."
In spite of his fame off the pitch, Jarman is keen to be recognised as a footballer, first and foremost.
a worry that people will focus on the superhero rather than the
striker, but hopefully I can lift the lid on Nathan Jarman the
With that pun, everyone present sighed and went home.
Nathan Jarman is available in all good retail outlets.