Friday, 3 August 2012

Player out of Focus - Nathan Jarman

Former Alfreton Town man Nathan Jarman has joined the Blues and has impressed so far in pre-season friendlies.   With fan favourites Michael Wilde and Chris Simm having departed, Jarman knows that he will have to work hard to win the affection of the Blues faithful, but the striker says he is relishing the challenge.

"Hopefully I can emulate Wildey and Simmo's performances from last season by spending long periods out injured whilst the midfielders and full backs score for fun," says Jarman, earnestly.

At 25, Jarman should be approaching his peak but this should be set against the fact that, outside of football, his other job is one of the more dangerous in the CFC squad.  After accidentally eating some out-of-date jam in 2001, Nathan contracted super powers enabling him to open any jar, regardless of how tight that lid is on there.

"I get a tingling sensation whenever someone in the neighbourhood is having trouble getting their lemon curd open," explains the former Grimsby Town man. 

"In a flash, I transform into Jar Man, ride round their house on my 7-speed bike and help 'em out.  It's tiring some nights, but with great power comes great responsibility to help people enjoy their toast."

Unlike most superheroes, Jar Man does not concern himself with keeping his identity secret.

"I don't think I need to.  It's not like I'm fighting hardened criminals or flying round cities like a spider or writing a vaguely provocative blog," muses Jarman.

"I'm just getting into tricky marmalade containers and the odd Nutella.  That said, I'm told that I did upset some people at Uncle Ben's because apparently they deliberately ram those lids on so that people give up and buy more... but that can't be true, can it?"

It is thought that the forward, who started his career at Barnsley, first came to Neil Young's attention when he burst in through the window of the Chester manager's mansion in order to help Mrs Young twist the top off a stubborn jar of pickled onions.

"I love my pickled onions and it would have been a catastrophe if the missus couldn't get 'em open, because there's not a 24-hour ASDA round our way," recounts Young.

"Luckily, Nath shows up and pops that jar open good.  One pickled onion fell out, but he did a couple of keepy-ups with it before volleying it into the dog's mouth.  That's when I knew he was our man.  Binned Wildey off immediately after that like."

In spite of his fame off the pitch, Jarman is keen to be recognised as a footballer, first and foremost.

"There's a worry that people will focus on the superhero rather than the striker, but hopefully I can lift the lid on Nathan Jarman the footballer!"

With that pun, everyone present sighed and went home.

Nathan Jarman is available in all good retail outlets.

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