Gone to the dogs

Cheshire police have confirmed that, following a successful trial run by their neighbours in North Wales, they will be rolling out extreme new measures to keep the crowd under control at Sunday's conference clash between Chester and Tranmere.

In the early hours of Wednesday morning, police on the A55 deliberately hit a dog with a car so as to prevent the carnage that could be caused if a dog got hit with a car. It has now been confirmed that this was an experimental method that the police plan to roll out to other operational areas.

"It's not a first port of call, but it's there if we need it," explained PC Billy Truncheon, who is looking forward to the overtime that he'll get paid on Sunday for artificially heightening tension at a football match.

"You have to remember that the dog had bitten an officer and caused an HGV to swerve.  It's basically a two strikes and you're out policy.  We think the trial has good parallels with the match at the weekend, except that H block Chester fans are more likely to bite you, and lorry drivers are less likely to swerve for a Tranmere fan."

"Anyway, if someone disrespects a minute's silence, makes a rude gesture to the opposing fans or sings that song about smelling bacon, they're gonna get mowed down by me in my Q5."

"I've been playing Grand Theft Auto to get a bit of practice in."

This plan will continue a rich history of the police treating football fans in Chester like dogs.  If you do want to act like a hooligan within the city, however, there is ample opportunity to do so at Chester Races, where you can act like the most despicable human being alive so long as you wear a skinny tie and shiny suit from Next; and so long as you are accompanied by a woman with a daft hat, a tan the colour of nuclear-grade Orangina and heels that she's too drunk to walk in.

"Don't look at where we were four years ago any more" say Positive Blues

There was a minor disturbance in the Blues Bar last night when, at a meeting of the Positive Blues supporters group, one member almost said "look at where we were four years ago" instead of "look at where we were six years ago".

"It was just a slip of the tongue," said the offending party, Q Block regular Finlay Stick. "Obviously I was trying to hark back to the Steven Vaughan days, I just can't believe it's been so long!"

The "look at where we were 'x' years ago" line has been deployed ever since the reformation of Chester FC, but must strictly be used in a positive context.  The gaffe at last night's meeting almost caused people to remember that four years ago, attendances were up, community classes were a regular event at the club, the Community Engagement Officer post wasn't just a creative way to pay the assistant manager a bit more cash and there was a burgeoning media output of highlights and commentary which served as a fantastic marketing tool for the club before it was cynically placed behind a paywall in the interests of short term profit.

"We at The PB operate on the straightforward principle that if a thing is not as bad as another thing then it is not bad at all," explains Positive Blues chairperson Gaston Shimmerbones.

"Therefore, until our club is once again being run into the ground by a man with alleged links to some of Liverpool's most dangerous criminals, I can find no reason to provide even the most constructive of criticism," continued Shimmerbones, who is the sort of guy you get screaming "first world problems" at people when they complain that their flight to Tenerife is delayed by an hour, that the local Waitrose is out of hummus or that their smart phone battery ran out before they could call an ambulance for their mum.

Fortunately the fracas at the Blues Bar died down as all attendees joined together in a rendition of "Always Look on the Bright Side of a Pasting Against Lowly Aldershot", with Steve Burr providing rhythm on his expensive new bongos.

Later, a man in his mid 30s was ejected for suggesting that maybe Chester could mark a bit tighter at set pieces.

"Apparently our marking is fine because at least Terry Smith isn't chairman anymore," he explained on his way out.

Halls of Residence

The proposed signing of Freddy Hall by Chester FC has fallen through after it was announced that the goalkeeper had made outrageous demands regarding his accommodation, probably.

Reports from The Genius Farm (aka. Devachat) have suggested that the Bermudan shot-stopper, who has thus far represented the Blues for free, asked for a 12-bedroom mansion, called Freddy Hall, to be constructed for his usage on the outskirts of Saughall, in addition to a standard living wage.

"People are upset, because they think we've snotted the playing budget up the wall by signing former international footballers who are mates with the gaffer," said one fan.

"But no-one has taken into account the possibility that Freddy wanted a jacuzzi in his bedroom, funded by the club."

Hall's agent attempted to dispel these rumours, stating that the keeper would have stayed with a fan if the option was available. However, former Blues director Jiff Bricks moved to discredit the source in a Twitter conversation with journalist Jim Beam by euphemistically using the words "interesting character" then stating that "agents can be funny things..." and not finishing the sentence so that you can fill in the blanks as you please.

Other fans have been keen to point out the progress Chester FC has made since its reinception.

"You've gotta remember that, when Vaughan was here, we had players playing without being paid, and a club website which would churn out knee-jerk statements in response to Deva Chat topics, eulogising about how ace the chairman was," reminded C Blocker Hilary Breadbaskets.

"Look at how far we've come since then!"

With Hall out of the picture, Chester have instead signed Wales under 21 keeper Connor Roberts who, it has been reported, will live in a ditch.

"Freddy thought it beneath him to sleep in a grubby hole, but Connor's from Wrexham so he'll be used to it," confirmed manager Steve Burr.

Spending time just being Young

Former Chester FC manager Neil Young has revealed that he's "getting loads done" since his departure from the club midway through last season.

Young left the Blues by mutual consent after making a poor start to the season and after being made to manage whilst Jim Harvey strolled about the place with some non-descript role, which always seemed a bit sinister whatever slant you want to put on it.

"Obviously it was disappointing to leave," said the former Seal King. "But on the bright side, I've finally completed Coolboarders 2 on PS1."

"It took me days, but I eventually landed a 720 Stalefish in the halfpipe, just in time for Mrs Young to demand I take the bins out. She didn't seem to appreciate what I'd just achieved."

Young remains philosophical about the way that it ended with the Blues.

"You can mooch round the house kicking the skirting boards and devouring Chupa Chups, or you can just be happy with the model train set you've now been able to build in the loft," philosophised Young.

"I've made a replica of the Merseyrail set-up. Got some lovely die cast engines and used some green Chupa Chups as trees. Even got the dog to pee on it, so it smells the same as the real thing, too."

Not everyone is convinced that MC Puffer Coat is enjoying his time off however. Journalists Tennis Ball and The Tall Peacock have revealed that they have been receiving increasing numbers of texts and emails from Young.

"Yeah, I even had a voicemail the other day asking why I never want to talk any more," explained the Peacock. "He said I was dead keen when he was manager, but that now it's like I don't even care."

"Then he started doing the trumpet riff from One Less Problem by Ariana Grande feat. Iggy Azalea. Proper odd."

Former assistant Gary Jones has rubbished these claims.

"Nah Youngy's doing fine," bellowed 'Jonesy'. "I was round his the other night for a Scalextrics tournament.

He still puts on a barnstorming evening."

"He does seem to have developed a Chupa Chups addiction though."

"Budge it, Danby!"

Blues manager Steve Burr has confirmed that Chester will likely get relegated next season and that when they do, it'll well be John Danby's fault.

Danby is currently in the second year of a two year contract, which pays him £1m per week, or something like that, probably.  With the popular goalkeeper unable to train during the day under the club's new full time structure, Burr is keen to remove him from the wage bill, and bring in someone less talented but more unemployed. 

"Obviously situations like this are going to arise," admitted chairman the Phony Gherkin. 

"We're full time now, which was a stupid move, but Steve insisted he wouldn't take a part-time job, because he's 'not a sixth former'."

"Obviously we wanted to keep hold of the Burrmeister, because that helps me achieve my vision of having a bald Celt in charge of Chester FC. So the only thing to do was completely overhaul the way the club is run."

Though some may suggest that the overheads involved in employing Burr full time and changing the club so that it operates on a full time basis may have negatively impacted the playing budget, the Blues boss insists this is not the case.

"Nope, all John Danby's fault," confirmed Not Neil Young.

"The full time thing was necessary for this club, cos I gots to get paid, son," he continued.

"The fact that we can now only attract the worst full time players, rather than the best part time ones... Well that's part of the price you've gotta pay so that I can tell my wife I've got a proper job."

The Danby saga is expected to rumble on into the season, before being superseded by complaints about pies from people who apparently can't be out of the house for two hours without succumbing to the overwhelming urge to eat filth.

What a reprief!

Chester FC made it four promotions in four years with victory in the AGM trophy today. 

Having been relegated little over a month ago, Steve Burr's men bounced back with an exemplary show of patience to down Hereford United and sneak back into the Football Conference at the first attempt.

"It took a bit longer than we'd hoped, but we got there in the end," commented a relieved Burr, who had spent a number of days complaining that the delay in the result was causing him problems in his preparations for next season.

"Well, I mean, how can you build a team without knowing what league you're going to be in?," explained Burr.  "No other Chester FC manager  has ever had to do that. You know, except for the only other manager we've had. He did it unflinchingly. But other than that..."

Hereford's decline owes much to their high risk tactic of saying they were gonna pay for stuff then not paying for it.  Given this flagrant breaking of the rules, the only just outcome was for Chester to retain the place that they unfairly lost on an exciting last day of the Conference season.

However, citizens of the the Mensa capital of Britain (otherwise known as English Wrexham) have taken umbridge at Chester's reprieve, stating that other teams who weren't the victims of cheating should get the Bulls' place instead.

"Promote the two losing play off finalists from North and South!" yelped one goaty genius.

"Let's make it a 25 team league next year just to avoid reprieving an unfairly relegated team who played within the rules!"

"No, Let's have a play off between whoever is still signed on at Guiseley and Ebbsfleet by dragging them off the beach in Magaluf," chimed in another.

"Let's then allow the loser of that to be promoted if Salisbury go bust!" continued the proud Welshman, all the time talking in his first and only language of English.

"Then, if someone else goes bust, we'll promote the winners of the fair play league.  Or whoever can pull the saddest face, because they really deserve it.  Or the club with the biggest floodlights.  Or the team with the most dead supporters for Wrexham fans to make banners about."

Meanwhile, some Chester fans attempted to commiserate with Hereford fans, talking of the 'heartbreak' inherent in being a football fan when the shell of a company through which your team's taxes are paid goes bust.

"I wept when Chester City filed for bankruptcy," confessed C Block regular Dimmy Limabean.

"I didn't cry when my grandad died though.  Which is weird, because he didn't even reform days later as almost exactly the same entity, refusing to pay the debts of his previous incarnation."

With the news finally confirmed, Burr can now go ahead and sign good players, rather than the collection of garbage he had intended to sign if Chester's relegation had stood.

The new season will start at some point in the future.

Not taking smoke bombs to football matches "really easy"

The world of Chester FC fandom has been thrown into disarray by published scientific findings that show it is actually "really easy" to go to a football match without a smoke bomb in your pocket.

"Yes, we've run some extensive experiments, all of which have turned back similar results," reports Dr Thomas Laundryroom of The Royal Institute of Not Being a Moron at Football Matches.

"We had previously concluded that 'it's not that hard' to not take fire-based annoyances to sporting events, but more recently we've discovered that the more accurate answer is that 'it's really easy, you inconceivable dullard'."

And Blues fans have been rocked by the news.

"This is going to revolutionise the way I watch my football," said terrace regular Gordon Tightjeans. "I've always gone the footy with a lighter and a smoke device. That's just how my dad taught me. I didn't think you could get in without one. I'm gonna save so much money now I realise that I don't have to be an attention-grabbing child."

Other fans have dismissed the findings.

"I only go to football matches with the express intention of making life difficult for people with respiratory problems," confirmed Degsy Coolcap of the H-Block youth movement. "If I'm now being told I've gotta watch the togga without choking an asthmatic, then I'm sorry but that's political correctness gone mad!"

Elsewhere, some clown probably said "no pyro, no party", like that's a thing.

Meanwhile, further studies have shown a startling correlation between the sorts of fans who moan about price hikes and the sorts of fans who don't care that their behaviour may result in club fines.

Peacock flies the nest

Following an already-turbulent start to the season, Chester FC has been further rocked this weekend, with the announcement that professional ink manipulator and beardy pseudo-celeb The Tall Peacock is to depart his role as the Chester Chronicle's reporter on all matters Deva.

The Peacock's Twitter feed has long been the first port of call for Chester fans in search of news and exclusives pertaining to their club, even though that definitely seems like the kind of function the official website should be carrying out.  News of his depature has been greeted with mixed feelings with some expressing their sadness, others branding the journalist as a "dreadful glory hunter" for bailing in the midst of Chester's nightmare run of defeats, and one chap even claiming to be "more of a Dennis Wall fan, anyway".

However, for The Peacock, who will henceforth be covering Blackburn Rovers for some Lancashire news outfit*, it was an easy decision.

"For three years, I've been able to print the same story every week," admitted the Jedi Pen-Twiddler.  "Basically, Neil Young would try and keep a straight face whilst stating that whatever assortment of beer-bellied postmen and probable ex-convicts his team was facing that week would be 'strong and well-organised', and I'd flesh it out with something about how he still fancied signing a left winger.  Sometimes we didn't even bother with the formality of the interview, to be honest."

"Problem is now, there's a bit more to be thinking about, so I'm going to go and report on Blackburn where nothing bizarre or controversial ever happens."

The Peacock is well noted for his sense of humour.  As well as his regular promotion of hilarious blog The Jestrian, he once described a match between Chester and Buxton as a "blood-and-thunder clash", though this move backfired on him as his tears of laughter fried the laptop upon which he had typed the report.

"Cost me and arm and a leg that did," recounted the Podcast rent-a-guest.

With the identity of The Peacock's successor as yet unknown, The Jestrian has taken it upon itself to provide a breakdown of the possible candidates:


Sharks Prowling - The Chronicle's chief Chester FC enthusiast, owner of gorgeous hair and able to hold his breath under water for ten minutes

Caramel Lucy - Even better hair than Prowling and, as an Italian, able to tell Deva Chat fusspots a thing or two about genuine corruption in the running of football clubs

Shaved Pigs - Occasional Tall Peacock tribute act, capable but thought to be put off by the lack of a Seals Podcast, leaving him unable to ruthlessly up his own profile in the way that the outgoing candidate did

Famous Colin Murray - Having departed the BBC for Talksport, a local newspaper seems the next logical step

The Jestrian - But The Jestrian and The Tall Peacock are the same pers... ssshhhhhh!


Having now covered his last game, The Peacock will drift off into the memories of Chester fans, lodged somewhere between Michael Wilde and Stuart Graves in the affections of Blues followers everywhere.  His Blackburn adventure begins on Monday.

In unrelated news, Venky's new Peacock Burger is expected to be available from early next week.

--

*The name of said organisation has not been cited here, as if they were ever to Google themselves, their newbie journo may be left struggling to provide a coherent explanation as to why there's a corner of the internet where he's known as a lofty colourful peafoul.

Turner round and say goodbye

Chester manager Neil Young has been dealt a hammer blow for the final two dead rubbers of the season, as identical twins Nathan and Lewis Turner have been recalled by their parent club Leeds United.

With Leeds now safe in the Championship, new manager Brian McDermott is seeking to up the morale at the club, and has chosen to do so by staging an all-LUFC remake of the classic 1990s film The Parent Trap - a film in which two identical twins (both played by Lindsey Lohan) are raised separately, by one parent each, but meet in later life and begin to regularly swap places with each other in order to spend time with the parent they never got to meet.

Whilst Leeds midfielder Michael Tonge had designs on playing the Lohan role himself, McDermott has determined that production costs would be lowered by using actual identical twins, and has recalled the pair accordingly.

"I think they'll play the part admirably.  It may even be more believable than the 90s version, because Lewis and Nathan actually look more like each other than Lindsey Lohan looks like herself," enthused McDermott.

Young is thought to be frustrated by the move, but accepts that these are the pitfalls of loan signings.

"The real blow is that I'd had the 'remake the Parent Trap' idea myself," lamented the Blue Chief.  "Now I'm going to have to use Gary Powell and Jimmy Soul as the kids instead, and they only look a bit alike."

The Turner twins made a big impact on the Blues in their short time with the club with Nathan dominating the midfield and Lewis nodding home the club's hundredth goal of the season to confirm the Seals' championship status.  Whilst this means that they deserve to be acknowledged for their individual contributions, they really don't help their own cause by making their Twitter accounts unnecessarily similar in terms of username and profile picture.

Their departure leaves under-fire manager Neil Young sweating on the last few games.  After winning his third title in three years, Young showed himself to be a sentimental sort, allowing Iain Howard to play the last home game of the season against Solihull on Saturday, so that he could be brought off to a standing ovation in the second half.  This led Deva Chatters who had begged for Howard's inclusion all season to berate the manager for playing fringe players and losing the club's unbeaten home record.

"I walked out in disgust before we were even presented with the trophy," raved Angry Blue.  "I don't know why I even follow football, if the thought of winning trophies doesn't even get me going.  I'm almost punishing myself aren't I?  Maybe I should take up something else?"

With the Chester squad now shorn of two important players, Young has admitted to scrabbling around desperately trying to bolster the team before Halifax on Thursday.

"He's been going through the telephone directory, ringing all the Turners, hoping to track down Nathan and Lewis's mum so that he can ask if there's an unknown triplet who's slipped through the net," explained assistant manager Gary Jones.  "He's been unsuccessful so far.  At one point he rang Radio Merseyside reporter Neil Turner, and had to pretend like he'd meant it.  Bit awkward, as Youngy can't resist giving an interview, so that was three hours out of his day."

Neil Young: Web Splat

Following the Chronicle's "ask a painfully obvious question" web session with Neil Young today, the Jestrian has carried out its own Q&A session with the Blues manager, using questions submitted by you, the fans.  Well, not necessarily "you".  Pretty much definitely not "you", actually.  Read on.

-

The Jestrian:  Neil, thanks for joining us.

Neil Young:  No worries.

TJ:  Our first question comes from Tommy Floodgates from Blacon, and he wants to know "does it concern you that the Jestrian constantly makes up quotes and attributes them to you, occasionally portaying you as halfway between lunatic and megalomaniac?"

NY:  Not at all, in fact I hope they write an entire feature in which I'm answering questions in that manner.

TJ:  Excellent, thanks Neil.  The next question relates to away games.  Graeme Bouncycastle, an East Stand regular, asks "are you going Guiseley, mate?"

NY:  Yeah, I probably should.  Been all the other awayers this season like, so it'd be a shame to ruin the record right at the end.

TJ:  Nice one, Neil.  Sticking with the theme of away games, Benny Brusselsprouts asks "what is your favourite song to sing with the Garys in the technical area?"

NY:  Ah, there's so many.  That's just something we like to do at away games for the loyal fans.  Seriously, if you've never been an away game, you're well missing out.  Me, Gazza J and Gazza P work hard on our harmonies, and I think our acapella version of Billy Oceans 'For the Longest Time' is pretty tight these days.  Any song that allows Powelly to rip out a mint trumpet solo is always an event, too.

TJ:  Tru dat, yo.  Gerry Handrails asks "what's with the state of the trains on the Chester to Lime Street line?  The seats are a disgrace."

NY:  Not my problem anymore, dog.

TJ:  Thanks, dog.  This one comes from Timmy Halfwit - "Did Jeff Banks sign Lee Trundle without your knowledge?"

NY:  Yep.

TJ:  Cool.  Henrietta Bountybar asks "if we hadn't got that last minute winner at Prescot Cables, would you have quit?"

NY:  No, but I did duck out ten minutes before that happened, if I'm being honest.

TJ:  Completely understandable.  This one comes from Adam J - "how do you sleep at night?"

NY:  Let it go, mate.

TJ:  Safe.  MC Chris Simm asks "can we expect any more MC Neil Young tracks"?

NY:  That's probably a question for you, isn't it?

TJ:  No idea what you're talking about.  The Michellin Man asks "where's yer puffer gone?"

NY:  I still wear it if I'm going to a posh function or wedding.  Gotta use it sparingly, as you can't find them very easily in shops these days.

TJ:  Strange, that.  The Pirelli Man asks "where's yer puffin gone?"

NY:  Kennels.

TJ:  Obviously.  Yannick Loopyloop asks "what are your plans for next season?"

NY:  Win it by Christmas and spend the rest of the year going round the country in an open-top bus using a mega phone to let everyone know that I'm ace.

TJ:  Sounds good.  Next, from Amy Treeswing - "what areas are you looking to strengthen for next season?"

NY:  Pies, mainly.  And another six left wingers.

TJ:  Predictable. One final question from a 'Mrs Young' - "What do you want for dinner, later?"

NY:  Beans on toast, but with those beans that have the little pork sausages in.

TJ:  Truly disgusting.  Thanks, Neil!

NY:  Cheers, la.

Harrogate Town 1-3 Chester FC - Match Squelch

Chester FC remain well top of the Blue Square North after beating Harrogate Town on a day which was grimmer than those 'hilarious' "Keep Calm and..." images that you get twice a day on Facebook.

With Harrogate trialling a new system whereby the pitch is prepared elsewhere, then dropped into an Olympic-sized swimming pool, Blues manager Neil Young was hesitant in his preparations, and suffered a further pre-match blow as midfielder Scott Brown sank into the pitch whilst retrieving a ball from behing the goal.

"We found Scotty again after the match," said a relieved Young.  "He'd burrowed his way out and, excited by the experience, he's going to take up deep-sea diving. Which will leave us short for the Witton game midweek unfortunately."

Following a first half which contained so little football that at points you forgot that you weren't just watching a country fete with overgrown children running about the place, Chester managed to carry a lead into the interval.  Nathan Jarman scored the goal, firing the ball through the goalkeeper's hands.

"I'm still not convinced that was actually the ball," grumped Harrogate keeper Craig MacGillivray.  "I think he just booted a lump of mud past me.  It was hard to tell by that point."

Indeed, the ball was so caked in dirt by the half hour mark that a few flowers had grown in the stitching, causing the referee to stop the game.

"I'll have these for Mother's Day," he enthused.

Tony Gray doubled the lead in the second half with a clever header, to the delight of his manager.

"Did you see the way that the mud stuck to his head?  It looked like hair," mused Young.  "I'm well tryin' dat."

Matty McGinn bundled in a third, before marching off in a strop because it wasn't a crisp left-footed drive, like we've all come to expect from him.

"Wish I'd missed," growled the former Southport man.

A late consolation for Harrogate came courtesy of a Dominic Knowles free kick.

"I let it in, cos I didn't want to get my top dirty," explained Blues keeper John Danby.  "I had it well covered though, ol' Safe Hands over here.  No need to pull an Adam Judge on me for the run-in, Youngy."

The Blues now await their Senior Cup tie at home to Witton, during which it is expected to snow.  Then not snow.  Then snow again.  Then not snow.  Then snow.  And then stop.  You get the pattern.

Harrogate Town vs Chester FC - Match Jaunt

Chester FC travel to Harrogate tomorrow for one of those Yorkshire-based games they sometimes have to play.

The Blues go into the game following a wave of controversy caused when club director Brill Quiff derided Chester fans who didn't show up to Chester's Cheshire Cup Quarter Final with Tranmere on Monday. Angry Seals fans have turned on the director, justifying their non-attendance by stating that they just "don't care about the competition".

"How dare he criticise my commitment to the club?! I didn't attend because I couldn't have cared less that we were playing," raved a hurt Loyal Blue off of the Deva Chats.

Meanwhile, Marketing Degrees have been torn up and new syllabuses drafted as experts gravitate towards marketing director Quiff's ingenious model.

"It turns out that the best way to get people to buy your product is to call them out for not buying it," said one of those London Media Types that you get. "I've just drafted a new slogan actually - "if you don't buy Fairy, then I have no respect for you as a human being" - PR by shame. It's the future, man."

Meanwhile, Chester are top of the league by a long way, but apparently we're more interested in what director thinks what about the attendances.

"That's the image that club officials are asking me to put out there," mused a confused Chronicle journotron The Tall Peacock. "It's like in school when you get your mate to tell a girl you like her. Except in this context, "you" is the club, my column inches are the "mate" and "you like her" is just ill-advised comments that you wish they'd keep to themselves."

Harrogate have played at a whole bunch of different grounds this season, but manager Simon Weaver insists that this is not a ploy to trick Chester into turning up at the wrong place.

"No this match is definitely at Plymouth's stadium," he said, shiftily.

Harrogate have had to play four games in eight days, a workload envied by Halifax, whose season is yet to start.

A win for Chester will please Blues fans but appal Brill Quiff unless it's by four or more.

820 disgusting men

Chester director and motorcycle botherer Brill Quiff has outraged Blues fans and fellow board members after voicing his opinion that Chester fans might like to actually attend the club's games.

Listing some good reasons as to why the turnout for Chester's Cheshire Cup semi final with Tranmere might have been more impressive, Quiff (famous for his casually misogynistic "men go to the game whilst wives go shopping" initiative as well as his lesser known "get your little lady to knit you a Chester scarf" and "make sure she has a cake on the table for full time" campaigns) then got carried away, labelling the attendance figure of 820 "disgusting".

"I looked at the empty seats and vomited myself sideways," raved Quiff to Chronicle prose-pony The Tall Peacock. "Seriously, vomit everywhere. It was like smelling silage, or stepping in dog poo, or going to Wrexham."

"Basically what I'm saying with my choice of words is that, if you didn't turn up, you make me sick. And I'm hoping that that will make you want to come watch my football club in future."

Chester fans have taken to Deva Chat to slate this over-reaction, in a move lacking the sense of irony and self-awareness that you'd hope it would carry.

"Can't believe he's getting angry about something that was actually pretty good," scathed that one who always slags off Neil Young.

Meanwhile, Quiff's fellow board members were quick to draft an official statement reassuring the Chester public that the club isn't really that bothered whether they show up or not.

"820 was fine, stay at home if you like," read the statement.

In other controversy, one of the 820 attendees, Stoke City striker Michael Owen, has upset some dullards by saying on Family Fortunes that he lives "near Cheshire" rather than "in Flintshire", despite these being the same thing.

"To be fair to Michael, he was just avoiding that bit of the conversation where Vernon Kay would have had to ask where Flintshire is, leading him to say "near Cheshire" anyway," said anyone sensible.

Not everyone shares this opinion.

"Yeah, so he raised £30k for the Childbirth Appeal at the Countess of Chester, but that money is tainted now, because he mentioned Cheshire even though he lives nowhere near Cheshire," moaned someone without real problems. "I say nowhere near. In a Cheshire postcode, obviously. And he also said he lived in Ewloe, which is right. But he's still disgusting. Him and the other 819 of you."

Neil Young admits to Lewis Turner prank

After weeks of pretending that there's a Lewis Turner, Blues manager Neil Young has finally admitted the whole thing was a joke which "got out of hand".

Following the impressive performances of Leeds youngster Nathan Turner, Young joked that the midfielder was playing so well that he might even sign his identical twin brother.  When journalists failed to pick up on the joke, the Chief Seal was forced to plough ahead with the concept.

"I didn't want it to look like I'd made a joke which had bombed, so I called up Nathan and asked him if he'd be willing to pretend to be his own brother for a press release," confessed Young.  "We did a few pictures and got a few quotes off him, and it all went swimmingly at first."

The ploy also had the effect of making it look like the former Colwyn Bay manager had pulled off a spectacular coup by bringing in two loanees from a Championship club.

"No-one was impressed that I'd secured one Leeds player," bemoaned Young.  "As soon as I'd brought in a second, everyone started giving me props.  It felt nice."

However, as the weeks have worn on with no sign of Lewis Turner getting any pitch time, Young has been forced to admit that the player doesn't actually exist.

"We even considered trying to play Nathan as Lewis in a couple of matches in order to keep the illusion going, but it's difficult to register someone who isn't real with the league," explained the Blue Boss.  "I had a look into how expensive it would be to forge a birth certificate and whip up a National Insurance number, but I was told we couldn't do that because of the club's financial situation."

"I bet I'd have got away with it in the first year," he added with a grimace.

Nathan Turner himself is said to be glad that the chirade is over.

"I was having to pretend to be Lewis at training some days," he explained. "Youngy was desperate to save face.  He asked me to come up with a character for Lewis - some traits that differ from Nathan.  I decided that Lewis would be a coffee drinker, even though I hate coffee.  Dreadful move on my part, it makes me feel sick and I've got too much energy in the evenings."

"Still, the alternative is going back to Neil Warnock at Leeds, so I've just stuck it out to be honest."

In other news, Ben Mills has hurt his knee, but Young hasn't ruled out the possibility of mysterious new striker Melvyn Mills making a debut against Harrogate at the weekend.

Chester FC 1-0 Tranmere Rovers - Match Extra

Chester FC overcame Tranmere Rovers last night to propel themselves into the semi finals of the Cheshire Senior Cup. The Blues took until extra time to secure the result, leaving stayaways feeling very smug.

The match was also notable for people talking excitedly about how Michael Owen was at the Exacta, even though it's the also-present Terry that's the Chester legend.

"Terry who?", scoffed Harry Mac regular Henry Popculture.  "And when's John Bishop gonna come down the Deva again?"

George Horan scored the winning goal for Chester, stating that he "really couldn't be bothered with pennos".  Meanwhile, Neil Young spent the whole game heckling his opposite number Shaun Garnett.

"You're not even FROM Cheshire," Young was heard to roar, having consulted his old Merseyrail rail map.

The Blues squandered a number of decent chances, but Blues manager Young later confirmed that this was deliberate.

"There was no-one in the end stands, so it was a chance to make the stewards do a bit of dashing about," explained the King Seal.

The victory sets up a home semi-final against Witton, and Chester fans are concerned by the number of matches left on their side's calendar.

"There's still a bunch of league games, which'll get in the way," bemoaned Main Stand burger-swerver Gary Printscreen.  "We don't want George getting injured against Harrogate.  Two more wins and the trophy's ours.  It has to take priority now."

Young has confirmed that he shares this viewpoint.

"Yeah, we need to make sure we take in a cup final," nodded The Big Blue Cheese.  "Wrexham are off to Wembley, so we need to make sure we are too.  What do you mean the final's not at Wembley?  Where's the Cheshire Wembley?"

Following a frantic Google search, it was confirmed by Chronicle pen-twiddler The Tall Peacock that the final will take place at Westminster Park, with the for-sale Danebank Stand being flown in specially for the occasion.

Chester FC vs Tranmere Rovers - Match Senior

Chester FC take on Tranmere Rovers at the Exacta Stadium later tonight in the Cheshire Senior Cup, even though Tranmere definitely isn't in Cheshire and there's no-one over 65 involved.  Except maybe Neil Young.  Anyone know how old he is, really?

Following a free weekend, the Blues manager is expected to field a first team side, especially with Guiseley comically losing again at the weekend.

"It's pretty much won now, I reckon," commented Young, 83. 

"Must be those pitch covers we inherited from Chester City," he followed up, alluding to Guiseley's habit of making up more stuff about Chester FC than some not-as-popular-as-they-used-to-be blogs that could be mentioned.

The winner of the tie will face Witton Albion, a side most famous for repeated attempts to forge links with the Blues last season.

"I'm sure if we get through to the semi, they'll be offering us their team coach to get us to their ground and cooking some tasty stew for all our fans," confirmed Blues CEO Pet Husky.  "Great club, can't do enough for you.  They even took Michael Powell of our hands when the refs in this division ran out of yellow cards."

Tranmere are currently in the League One play-offs but are expected to field a fringe side.  Chester, meanwhile, will be hamstrung by the fact that many of their fans just aren't interested in the Senior Cup.

"We don't need our footballers distracted by games of football," grumbled Logic Blue, off of the Deva Chats.

The game will be settled by penalties if need be, but Young has confirmed that his players have not been practicing.

"You can't recreate the tension of the Senior Cup in training, so we haven't bothered getting the basic skill and technique down," said the Blue Boss, echoing the brilliaintly sensible mantra of most managers.  "I imagine it's the same with open heart surgery or negotiating a hostage situation.  No point practicing away from the game, the stakes aren't high enough until it's actually happening.  Just go with your gut."

Fans asked to donate shirts

Chester FC have sensationally announced today that they have run out of home shirts as Paul Linwood has bled on them all.

Linwood spent most of his time off the pitch on Wednesday, replacing shirt after bloodied shirt, and kit man Jimmy Soul has confirmed that there are now only nine left for the next home game.

"It's dire straits," admitted Soul. "We tried to patch Linny up, but every time he went up for a corner, the ref told him to get off the pitch. At first we thought he was getting a nosebleed being that far forward, but it turns out that that was the only time the ref could be bothered checking."

Linwood actually picked up the injury following a clash with former Blue Darryn Stamp, and later found himself in A&E where he went through eight gowns before he could be stitched up.

"It's a nightmare," fretted Linwood. "Went to work today, had to get Jimmy to bring me some spare ties. He reckons his job doesn't extend that far, but I got onto Youngy and he told Jimmy either he brings me my ties or he won't follow through on his promise to sack Gary Jones and make Soully assistant manager."

Fans are now being asked to donate their shirts to make up for the shortfall.

"We're especially looking for XXL shirts as you can fit three Danny Williamses into one of dem," explained CFU media translator Jaffa Cakes. "Fortunately we don't need any yellow ones, as none of you bought those numbers."

"I'd buy a yellow shirt," responded Deva Chat.

Chester enjoy a free weekend this weekend before a huge clash against Tranmere in the Cheshire (and Merseyside, apparently) Senior Cup.

Chester FC 3-1 Gainsborough Trinity - Match Slink

Chester FC kept up their unrealistic home form with another win last night, overcoming Gainsborough Trinity in front of so few fans that statistics show that more people have whined about poor attendances on Deva Chat than actually showed up to watch the Blues win from behind.

Following the recent successful reversal of Danny Williams and Matty McGinn's roles on the left side, King Seal Neil Young took the rather less obvious step of switching Wes Baynes and Dave Hankin on the right.

"Gareth Bale was a full back, then a wide midfielder, so I thought I'd pull a similar trick and see if we're not sitting on our own Bale," explained Young.  "Thought if we discovered one, we could make a bit of cash, see?"

Gainsborough took the lead in the first half when Craig Nelthorpe capped off one of the finest passages of football seen at the Exacta this season with an assured finish.  Nelthorpe unfortunately ruined the moment by looking like he'd never scored a goal before, appearing completely unsure of the celebration procedure, then making an owl noise at a perplexed West Stand.

"I think he thought the Dark Owl was sitting in there," reported niche website lastseasonssjestrianreferences.com.

Chester got back on terms quickly enough as McGinn smashed a long range shot straight at the Trinity keeper Jan Budtz, who appeared to forget that goalies can use their hands and chested the ball down for Tony Gray to tap home.

"This is why we let Ben Mills go out on loan," confirmed Blues boss Young.  "We're relying on opposition goalkeepers to provide us with effective link-up play."

The home side then took the lead when Matty McGinn scored that goal that Matty McGinn sometimes scores.

"Left foot, struck hard, across the keeper, howling into the bottom corner.  You've seen him do it once, you've seen him do it a hundred times," mused club historian Jazz Drummer.  "Get a new trick, Matty..."

The second half saw Nathan Jarman extend Chester's lead.  The goal had a suggestion of handball to it, but no-one cared as moments earlier Tony Gray had been snapped in two with no-one getting punished, so it all seemed to have evened itself out.  Sort of.

The win puts Chester 19 points clear of second placed Guiseley, begging the question of just how many people would have shown up if the Blues were languishing in lowe mid-table.

Chester FC vs Gainsborough Trinity - Match Blink

Chester welcome Gainsborough Trinity to the Exacta Stadium tonight with the visitors due a battering for failing at the weekend to prevent Wrexham achieving a trip to Wembley.

Whilst the truth is probably that Gainsborough fought hard over the two legs of the FA Trophy seni-final against higher league opposition and came within one goal of earning extra time, the fact is that we've now all got to hear about how Wrexham are off to see the tiny floodlights of the nation's leading football stadium.

"Now we've gotta act like it's not impressive that they've got there, and like we wouldn't love the chance to be there ourselves," grimaced Harry Mac regular Graham Silkspindle.

The Blues go into the game able to open up a 19 point gap over second place Guiseley, and manager Neil Young reckons the game is one of the most important of the season.

"If we win tonight, it tips our lead over from a 'silly' 16 points to a 'ridiculous' 19," explained Young. "That's an important difference. If we reach 'ridiculous' territory, Guiseley may throw in the towel."

Fans are eager to see whether or not Young rings the changes again. The Chief Seal handed a surprise start to fans' favourite Iain Howard at the weekend, and supporters are primed to throw a strop if the plasterer has to sit down again tonight.

"First the away kit, now Iain Howard gets dropped. Fans' club my eye," pre-typed one Deva Chatter with his hand hovering over the enter key in anticipation of the team sheets.

The game sees Chester's last outing for ten days, with Blues enjoying their 45th free Saturday of the season at the weekend - a number only outstripped by Halifax. But not intentionally.

Chester to play in "skins" next season

Following the overwhelmingly negative reaction to the designs put forward for next season's CFC change strip, CFU media king Jaffa Cakes has reacted by screaming "fine, we just won't have an away kit next season, then!"

With fans furious that the colours suggested for next season's second shirt aren't positioned where they'd like on the spectrum, it has now been confirmed that the The City Fans United board have given up and Chester will only have a Blue and White striped shirt next season.

"On occasions where we can't wear the famous Blue and White, we'll just play shirts vs skins," explained Cakes.  "It actually works pretty well, as all the fans already have skin, so they've got the kit the already.  We all know Chester fans reckon they're entitled to have stuff for free, so this is the perfect solution."

With gathering pace, Cakes continued to list the benefits.

"It also means there are no gripes over sizing.  If you're 4XL, then your skin will adjust, and we don't have to hear you moan on about how hard it is to get sporting gear that fits a physique which hasn't exercised in 20 years.  Strange, that."

"Of course, the design is gonna look a bit different on some fans as against Jarmo and Howard but maybe highlighting that difference will see a reduction in shouts of 'I could have scored that' from supporters who you suspect would be gasping if they ever had to run out the tunnel at the Exacta."

To compound the bizarre situation, a poll has been set up on Deva Chat asking which colour people would prefer, with orange emerging as an utterly inexplicable front-runner.

"Orange?!  Seriously, WHAT?!", roared Cakes, riled again.  "What possible connection have we ever had with orange?  I had a Tango at the match once, that's about it.  Imagine if we'd have suggested orange!  They'd have been screaming their heads off and asking for grey."

Indeed, scientists at the Royal Institute of Unrequested Sporting Facts have confirmed that no club wearing orange has ever looked anything other than Sunday League.

"Yes, that includes Blackpool," growled Dr Roger Thimbleclink.

Manager Neil Young is thought to be keen on the orange idea, however, and intends to loan in four players to wear the orange shirt and stand around his Exacta parking spot like traffic cones in order to reserve it.

"Think big, win big," nodded Young.

In related news, it has been confirmed that colours are just a side effect of light reflecting off stuff and into your eye, and so long as you can tell which team is which, everything is probably ok.

"But no, suddenly everyone thinks they're Gok Wan," muttered Cakes.