Chester FC vs Halifax Town - Match Prologue

Chester continue their scintillating FA Cup run tomorrow as they welcome Halifax Town to the Exacta, having already sent them away with their tails between their legs once this season.

"Gluttons for punishment, these boys," chortled Blues manager Neil Young. "We'll take the easy ties at this stage in the comp, though."

Halifax will be turning up without former Chester striker Jamie Rainford, who has managed to get himself frozen out by a team at which he is on loan - something that seems as though it might even be a completely unprecedented achievement.

The visitors are expected to roll out their big-guns though, with early reports suggesting that that one who kept falling over in the area last time out will play, along with their several specialist ref-baiters.

Young is keen to progress far in the country's oldest cup competition - the newly full-time football man has spied the televised stages as a chance to put himself in the shop window.

"Sir Alex isn't gonna be at United forever," nodded the Blues supremo.  "This could be my shot.  Maybe I could get in as his assistant first.  We know he hates doing them press conferences, whereas Youngy here can talk for half an hour without drawing breath.  Something to think about, Al, yeah?"

Chester's players are likely to be a little tired following the marathon game on Tuesday, where they took until extra time to see off the challenge of Gainsborough Trinity.

"There's a few tired legs, so it's just been light training this week," confirmed Young.  "George has been round my house changing lightbulbs.  I've not got a ladder, so he's been climbing up the back of Nathan Jarman, using his skills."

"Marc Williams has been working on his link-up play by playing with my model train sets and Michael Powell's been picking up bookings for his go-karting business, keeping his eye in."

Halifax have been handed use of the West Stand for the evening, leading to outrage from some Chester fans, who are unsure whether that section of the ground can handle the possibility of noise.

"Anything more than a light cricket clap, and the roof might pop off," warned veteran fan Giles Weasel-Catcher.

Though the move has attracted some criticism, the continued failure to allow away fans in the South Stand continues to rankle with H Block regulars, thereby rendering this one of the finest decisions yet made by the board.

A draw would see the teams head to The Shay for a replay, which is actually an oddly appealing possibility.

Haik-Blu

In a feature so popular with readers that we haven't done in for like a year, figures from in and around the club write poetry using the Japanese style of Haiku - a form of poetry where each poem consists of three lines, the first containing five syllables, the second containing seven and the third containing five.

Tactics and bitter
All day long in the Blues Bar
Now I am full time
Neil Young reflects upon the benefits of his new employment status
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Wah wah wah wah wah
Wah wah wah wah wah wah wah
Wah wah wah wah wah
A West Stand regular following the news that they will have to watch the Halifax game from a slightly different angle
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Once I had no hair
Now it spills down my forehead
Powelly beware
Iain Howard makes a bid for Best Quiff In Team at the dressing room monthly awards
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Boxed up casserole
Topped with a puff pastry lid
Does not a pie make
Fans continue to grumble about the Racecourse caterers
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He tags me in Tweets
And he also retweets me
Celebrity friend
Chronicle Journalist The Tall Peacock glows with proud excitement over his burgeoning camaraderie with Famous Jonathan Legard
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Chester FC 2-1 Gainsborough Trinity - Match Odyssey

Chester FC almost guaranteed themselves a place in the FA Cup final last night, by ruthlessly dispatching Gainsborough Trinity, after Extra Time, in a replay.

Chester have only 13 more rounds to safely negotiate following their 2-1 victory, the first of which will be a straightforward game against Halifax, who the Blues comfortably saw off at the Exacta a few weeks ago, if you're committed to the mis-use of the word "comfortably".

Dominic Collins scored his first goal for the club by cunningly smashing a shot home via the shins of a Gainsborough defender.

"It's all about the angles," nodded Collins, sagely.  "I'm a whizz when it comes to calculating the right deflection.  'Ol' Dommy Protractor', they used to call me."

Chester looked to have held out to win the game in 90 minutes, but anguish rippled through the Exacta as The Recreationists substitute Jamie Yates smashed home a late, late equaliser.

"I was pretty happy as my new contract states that I get paid time-and-a-half for Extra Time," admitted Blues manager Neil Young.  "Incidentally, is it just me, or does 'The Recreationists' sound more like an early 90s Madchester band than the nickname of a football club?"

As the game spilled into Extra Time, some people inexplicably left, damaging further the sub-par crowd which was in attendance.  Fans stayed away from Chester FC's first ever home FA Cup tie for a variety of superb reasons, including 'ooh, but it's windy' and 'Manchester United are on TV'.

"Still don't understand why we're not making a profit," grumbled die-hard Blues fan Gerry Armchair whilst vapidly watching as Robin Van Persie netted his second.

It took until the second period of Extra Time for Chester to restore their lead, Levi Mackin crashing a first-time, left-footed strike beyond Gainsborough 'keeper Jan Budtz.  It was one of those great FA Cup moments that will undoubtedly feature alongside that Ronnie Radford goal in the montages that will be played once the Premier League teams come in and rip the heart out of the competition by scarcely taking it seriously - some by fielding weakened sides, others simply by being Liverpool.

The next round is already causing consternation amongst some Chester fans, with the West Stand handed to Halifax for the evening, to the furious upset of the regular frequenters of the Exacta's own version of a Virgin Pendolino Quiet Carriage.

"There's probably a way around it," admitted CFU media doll Jaffa Cakes.  "But, to be honest, it's important that we take any chance we get to needle people who are going to be that prissy about where they sit."

Chester FC vs Gainsborough Trinity - Match Third Glance

Chester take on Gainsborough Trinity in their rearranged FA Cup second round replay tonight.  The game had been due to take place last Wednesday, but club officials are thought to have called the game off just after the Jestrian had published its match preview, in a deliberate attempt to scupper the badly-designed blog.

"Ha! Let's see him find something interesting to say about Gainsborough three times in 10 days!", cackled Blues CEO Pet Husky.

Gainsborough sounds a bit like Farnborough, but not really.  They have a football team and Chester are playing them tonight.

Neil Young leads his side into the game full of confidence, despite the brief Twitter storm caused by Chronicle press prancer The Tall Peacock last night.  The bespectacled word-weaver triggered a bit of a commotion by tweeting that former Chester City manager and mastermind behind Stalybridge's comical 6-2 weekend defeat Jim Harvey "still has admirers in the Chester FC boardroom", with former director The Dark Owl registering his dissatisfaction with the implied slight on Young.

"People be talking smack 'bout how Harvey's a bosser boss than Neil," said The Owl, who has become much more 'street' since his abdication from the board.  "I say forget dem fools, y'hear me?"

With Halifax in store for the victor, Young is keen to secure victory.  Chester played the Shaymen just last month, in one of the tensest most exciting games in the short history of the new club.

"It was a great game between two relatively new football clubs," recalled Young.  "We've come a long way and of course you have to admire how Halifax have bounced back strong after they went bust and had to merge with Bank of Scotland."

With Young able to name seven substitutes in FA Cup matches, it seems inevitable that it can only be a matter of time before someone off of the Devachats suggests that Pat Nevin and Perry Groves could fill the extra spaces.

It better happen this time, yeah?

Stalybridge Celtic 2-6 Chester FC - Match Digest

Chester recorded a 6-2 hammering of Stalybridge Celtic on Saturday, with The Jestrian credited as the driving force behind the spectacular win.

Iain Howard ramped home a hat-trick, with Neil Young finally persuaded to give the winger an extended run in the starting line up.

"I just want to thank The Jestrian for the part it undoubtedly played in my recall to the side," said Howard after the match.  "The passive aggressive little comments the Jestrian has been publishing regarding my absence is sure to have influenced the gaffer far more than my form or Youngy's tactical prowess."

Howard had to wait for his goals however, and was first provider, when he caused the goal-mouth scramble which led to Nathan Jarman doubling the lead which Antoni Sarcevic had given the Blues just minutes earlier.  The plasterer then opened his account, benefitting from Stalybridge's questionable defensive tactic of giving the ball back to Chester on the edge of the area.

"I got it wrong," admitted Celtic boss Jim Harvey.  "I told the lads that the best form of attack is defence.  It was only once they were out on the pitch that I realised I'd skewed my words.  Bit embarrassing."

Howard's second came when he fired home a stunning volley from a Marc Williams cross and the number 11 wheeled away miming a dedicatory Jester's hat in celebration, probably.

With the Blues 4-0 up at the break, Sean Clancy cut a forlorn figure.  The former Fleetwood man could be seen visibly wincing as Howard rocketed home his volley, but his concerns appear run deeper than for his own place in the side.

"I can take Iain being first choice left-winger," insisted Clancy.  "But have you seen his quiff?  It's starting to look better than mine.  Next thing we know, he'll be offered a spot on Desperate Scousewives.  He's stealing my life!"

With Harvey forgetting to correct his earlier slip of the tongue, Stalybridge continued to gift possession to Chester early in the second half, wrapping a bow around the ball and placing it at the feet of Antoni Sarcevic who duly patted home his second.

Remembering how to play football, Celtic struck back through Jack Laird, before Howard netted this third.  Sarcevic rocketed through for a hat-trick of his own, but found himself wiped out by the keeper and watched from the floor as Howard slotted the loose ball into the open net.

As Howard celebrated, taunting the flattened Sarcevic, he was removed by manager Young, who feared a scuffle.

"Sarce was well up for grabbing Iain and rubbing his face on the ground so that his teeth stop sparkling," reported Young.  "I thought it best to diffuse the situation and get Clancer on."

Another goal was unsportingly smashed home by Stalybridge's Jordan Barrow after both teams had clearly agreed to stop playing.  The final whistle might even have come a couple of minutes early as the ref sensed the petering out of the game and spied a chance to get home for tea.

"It's a phenomenal result for the Blues, and one which may well kick start the season," commented club historian Jazz Drummer.  "Future generations will look back on today as the moment that Chester FC really returned, and it's all thanks to The Jestrian."

"Their relentless promotion of Iain Howard has definitely led to this marvellous performance, and whilst some people may point to it being a dingy, little-read blog with a Twitter account that has been stalled at just under 300 followers for months now, those of us in-the-know accept what a power-house it is behind the scenes."