Chester FC travel to Bishop's Stortford tomorrow, as they continue to use this season as an exercise in discovering places of whose existence they were previously unaware.
"At best guess, I'd have said that a Bishop's Stortford was maybe some kind of religious hat," shrugged Blues manager Neil Young when asked what he knows about the opposition.
Luke Denson is expected to feature for the Seals, but, following his midweek red card against Halifax, Michael Powell will not travel, with Young having sent him to his room to think about what he's done.
Striker Tony Gray will seek to open his account for the Blues, with Young dismissing reports that he is reluctant to play the former Southport man in the same team as Scott Brown.
"Look, I saw some fashion show on TV that said grey and brown should never be seen together, and I got confused for a moment," explained The Blue Chief. "It's all sorted now, and everyone's in contention, provided that they haven't recently attempted a headbutt in a massively important fixture.
Bishop's Stortford currently reside 15th in the league table, though this is quite some achievement when one considers that their players are only allowed to move diagonally.
Rod Stringer is manager of The Bishops.
"Coincidentally, I took my fishing pole to the Rod Stringer the other day," said Chester winger and keen fisherman Robbie Booth. "Needed a new line on it."
The hosts had been plying their trade in the Conference South until 2011, at which stage they were transferred to the Conference North.
"Hassle, basically," grumbled Young. "Don't need to be trippin' south, do we? If they were gonna play in this division, they could have at least had the decency to move to Lincolnshire like all the other clubs we seem to play these days."
Brackley Town remain top of the tree for the time being, but are expected to surrender this position in the same week in which it is tradtional for the X Factor's annual novelty act to get voted off.
Matty McGinn misses the game with a dead leg, Wes Baynes is out following a nasty Chinese burn and Paul Linwood is doubtful having had his head flushed in a toilet.
100% made up nonsense
2% more reliable a news source than Deva Chat
Friday, 12 October 2012
Thursday, 11 October 2012
The defence needs to rest, Your Honour
Neil Young is scratching his head over the problem presented to him by
the fact that Dominic Collins was the only recognised defender to make
it through Chester's gruelling FA Cup run unscathed.
With Paul Linwood, Matty McGinn, Wes Baynes and George Horan all picking up knocks, Neil Young is hopeful that new signing Luke Denson can step up.
"We signed Luke years ago, but first he needed international clearance, then he was cup tied, then his mum called him in for tea, then it turned out we needed to sign his registration papers in black ink rather than blue, and then the government told us his selection may present a security risk for the country," explained Young.
"Fortunately, the league are now satisfied we've jumped through enough hoops and I'm allowed to pick him against Bishop's Stortford."
The Blues gaffer does have reservations as to whether Denson will slot into the side seamlessly. Having finally received his international clearance, the red tape is out of the way, but this is no guarantee that Denson will be able to deal with the culture shock of his cross-continental move.
"Luke's been playing abroad in the Blue Square Bet North," said Young. "It remains to be seen whether he can make the switch to the Blue Square Bet North. It's true that the leagues are similar - identical, some say - but it'll be a test to make that switch."
"Similarly, Luke's going to have to deal with the fact that whilst he used to play his home games in Wales, he's now going to be playing them in pretty much Wales, so that could mess with his head too."
"It makes complete and utter sense that we've had to wait so long and fill out so much paperwork to make this move happen as it's a massive upheaval for the lad. It's sorted now though, and it's a real victory for the free movement of workers within the EU. In the past, if you wanted to get a new job just down the road, there just weren't these sorts of provisions in place."
Another option which the manager may wish to pursue is the recall of centre back Michael Taylor from AFC Fylde.
"Wait, was that only a loan deal?," spluttered Young, taken aback. "Gosh, you might be right actually, that'd be a stroke of luck. I'll get Gaz Powell on that one right away."
Dave Hankin and Sean Clancy have been providing cover in the full back positions, with Levi Mackin having helped out at centre back.
"We might actually have stumbled on some genius new tactic," mused assistant manager Gary Jones. "If we hoik Dom Collins off and chuck Ash Williams in there, we can just play with two midfield banks of four and see how that pans out. Imagine if it turned out that all these years of teams playing with defenders had been for nothing!"
The Jestrian attempted to contact Bishop's Stortford to ask about their expectations for the weekend, but only succeeded in getting hold of member of the clergy Bishop John Stortford.
He was a nice enough man, but he knew nothing about football.
With Paul Linwood, Matty McGinn, Wes Baynes and George Horan all picking up knocks, Neil Young is hopeful that new signing Luke Denson can step up.
"We signed Luke years ago, but first he needed international clearance, then he was cup tied, then his mum called him in for tea, then it turned out we needed to sign his registration papers in black ink rather than blue, and then the government told us his selection may present a security risk for the country," explained Young.
"Fortunately, the league are now satisfied we've jumped through enough hoops and I'm allowed to pick him against Bishop's Stortford."
The Blues gaffer does have reservations as to whether Denson will slot into the side seamlessly. Having finally received his international clearance, the red tape is out of the way, but this is no guarantee that Denson will be able to deal with the culture shock of his cross-continental move.
"Luke's been playing abroad in the Blue Square Bet North," said Young. "It remains to be seen whether he can make the switch to the Blue Square Bet North. It's true that the leagues are similar - identical, some say - but it'll be a test to make that switch."
"Similarly, Luke's going to have to deal with the fact that whilst he used to play his home games in Wales, he's now going to be playing them in pretty much Wales, so that could mess with his head too."
"It makes complete and utter sense that we've had to wait so long and fill out so much paperwork to make this move happen as it's a massive upheaval for the lad. It's sorted now though, and it's a real victory for the free movement of workers within the EU. In the past, if you wanted to get a new job just down the road, there just weren't these sorts of provisions in place."
Another option which the manager may wish to pursue is the recall of centre back Michael Taylor from AFC Fylde.
"Wait, was that only a loan deal?," spluttered Young, taken aback. "Gosh, you might be right actually, that'd be a stroke of luck. I'll get Gaz Powell on that one right away."
Dave Hankin and Sean Clancy have been providing cover in the full back positions, with Levi Mackin having helped out at centre back.
"We might actually have stumbled on some genius new tactic," mused assistant manager Gary Jones. "If we hoik Dom Collins off and chuck Ash Williams in there, we can just play with two midfield banks of four and see how that pans out. Imagine if it turned out that all these years of teams playing with defenders had been for nothing!"
The Jestrian attempted to contact Bishop's Stortford to ask about their expectations for the weekend, but only succeeded in getting hold of member of the clergy Bishop John Stortford.
He was a nice enough man, but he knew nothing about football.
Wednesday, 10 October 2012
FC Halifax Town 3-1 Chester FC - FA Cup Mess Up
Chester tumbled out of the FA Cup last night despite a spirited performance away at FC Halifax Town.
Michael Powell, having been returned to the side, lasted just half an hour before being dismissed, leaving Chester the rest of the game to fight with just ten men.
"The FA Cup is all about traditional, and what's more traditional than me getting myself in trouble with the ref over a silly off the ball incident?", commented the quiffer-biffer centre mid.
Chester were already one down at this point, with Jon Worthington having given the home side the lead, slotting in past John Danby. A Nathan Jarman equaliser was ruled out for offside, with luck apparently deserting the Seals.
"I must have used up all our good fortune earlier in the day when I put 60p in a vender for a Wispa, and two fell out," mused manager Neil Young. "Had the second one on the bus on the way home - just took the edge off the defeat a little."
The defeat may not have been, had Chester's best efforts produced a goal, but instead, Halifax doubled the lead through Lee Gregory.
"Never trust a man with two first names, that's what I keep telling the lads," grumbled a noticably agitated Young.
Marc Williams brought Chester back into the game, and highlighted a staggering statistic when he fired in his first goal of the season as the travelling support murmured amongst themselves, certain that the forward must have scored at least one other goal this term.
It was left to Chris Worsley to complete the scoring and conclude Chester's participation in the FA Cup for this season, though Chester's woes increased as George Horan departed through injury before the final whistle.
"We've petitioned the league to see if they'll allow us to play a back four all on crutches," confirmed manager Young. "If not, there's a couple of options for Bishop's Stortford on Saturday - including not playing a defence at all and hoping that their strikers are rendered ineffective by their sheer curiosity."
The Blues gaffer also branded the officials as the worst he had seen in a long time, but no-one was sure whether he meant it or if he was just trotting out his ever-popular catchphrase.
Michael Powell, having been returned to the side, lasted just half an hour before being dismissed, leaving Chester the rest of the game to fight with just ten men.
"The FA Cup is all about traditional, and what's more traditional than me getting myself in trouble with the ref over a silly off the ball incident?", commented the quiffer-biffer centre mid.
Chester were already one down at this point, with Jon Worthington having given the home side the lead, slotting in past John Danby. A Nathan Jarman equaliser was ruled out for offside, with luck apparently deserting the Seals.
"I must have used up all our good fortune earlier in the day when I put 60p in a vender for a Wispa, and two fell out," mused manager Neil Young. "Had the second one on the bus on the way home - just took the edge off the defeat a little."
The defeat may not have been, had Chester's best efforts produced a goal, but instead, Halifax doubled the lead through Lee Gregory.
"Never trust a man with two first names, that's what I keep telling the lads," grumbled a noticably agitated Young.
Marc Williams brought Chester back into the game, and highlighted a staggering statistic when he fired in his first goal of the season as the travelling support murmured amongst themselves, certain that the forward must have scored at least one other goal this term.
It was left to Chris Worsley to complete the scoring and conclude Chester's participation in the FA Cup for this season, though Chester's woes increased as George Horan departed through injury before the final whistle.
"We've petitioned the league to see if they'll allow us to play a back four all on crutches," confirmed manager Young. "If not, there's a couple of options for Bishop's Stortford on Saturday - including not playing a defence at all and hoping that their strikers are rendered ineffective by their sheer curiosity."
The Blues gaffer also branded the officials as the worst he had seen in a long time, but no-one was sure whether he meant it or if he was just trotting out his ever-popular catchphrase.
Tuesday, 9 October 2012
FC Halifax Town vs Chester FC - FA Cup Big Whoop
Chester FC head into tonight's return FA Cup third qualifying round clash at Halifax as an injury ravaged squad, with Neil Young's men down to the bare bones. Matty McGinn is suffering from a dead leg, Wes Baynes has tweaked his groin, Paul Linwood "doesn't really fancy the journey" and George Horan is receiving treatment for really poor judgment, following his weekend dismissal.
With options severely limited, Young is considering the famed Mourinho tactic of 'parking the bus'.
"It's certainly something I've thought about, but you never know what time The Hipkiss Express is gonna turn up so I'm working on a Plan B of hiring a Merseyrail Lightning Carriage for the evening instead," stressed Young.
The Blues boss is expected to revert to a more standard formation tonight, after having fielded three strikers to mixed reviews at the weekend.
"I thought it'd be good for team spirit if Tony Gray wasn't the only lad out there trying to get used to a new system in a high pressure situation," explained The King of Seals.
The formation was enough to distress Mark Williams who has confirmed that his head is "still west" following his confusion as to which position on the pitch he was supposed to be taking up.
"I was forced that wide at times that I wound up having to buy Jimmy Soul some nachos from the refreshment counter," purred the former Wrexham striker. "Not easy running about whilst trying to balance guacamole in your left hand."
Meanwhile, the Ben Mills transfer saga has been blown wide open once more as the early season favourite has today taken to following The Jestrian on Twitter.
"He's clearly seen the good we've done for Iain Howard and wants a bit of that action," confirmed The Jestrian. "I mean, who starts to follows a parody blog of a team they had a brief loan spell at if they're not intending to return? No-one.
"Unless, of course, the blog is dead funny like. Anyone's guess."
With options severely limited, Young is considering the famed Mourinho tactic of 'parking the bus'.
"It's certainly something I've thought about, but you never know what time The Hipkiss Express is gonna turn up so I'm working on a Plan B of hiring a Merseyrail Lightning Carriage for the evening instead," stressed Young.
The Blues boss is expected to revert to a more standard formation tonight, after having fielded three strikers to mixed reviews at the weekend.
"I thought it'd be good for team spirit if Tony Gray wasn't the only lad out there trying to get used to a new system in a high pressure situation," explained The King of Seals.
The formation was enough to distress Mark Williams who has confirmed that his head is "still west" following his confusion as to which position on the pitch he was supposed to be taking up.
"I was forced that wide at times that I wound up having to buy Jimmy Soul some nachos from the refreshment counter," purred the former Wrexham striker. "Not easy running about whilst trying to balance guacamole in your left hand."
Meanwhile, the Ben Mills transfer saga has been blown wide open once more as the early season favourite has today taken to following The Jestrian on Twitter.
"He's clearly seen the good we've done for Iain Howard and wants a bit of that action," confirmed The Jestrian. "I mean, who starts to follows a parody blog of a team they had a brief loan spell at if they're not intending to return? No-one.
"Unless, of course, the blog is dead funny like. Anyone's guess."
Monday, 8 October 2012
Chester FC 1-1 AFC Halifax - Match Epilogue
Chester were pinned back late on for the second game running on Saturday
as they slugged out a 1-1 draw with an in-form FC Halifax Town.
The game was marred by travelling 'fans' invading both the pitch and home sections of the ground, as fighting ensued. Said Halifax fans were then shepherded back to their seats in the West Stand to enjoy the rest of the game.
"Technically, though they'd thrust their fists into the faces of home supporters and spent time wandering round the pitch with the ball in play, they hadn't attempted to put their feet on any seats, so we couldn't threaten them with ejection," confirmed steward Rasputin Dayglo.
In related news, wanting to whack people with your hands just because they support a different football team to you has been confirmed as "beyond stupid" by scientists at the Royal Institute of Ways to Waste Your Life.
"The best we can hope for is that those involved in causing or sustaining the kind of child-upsetting, moronic violence we saw on Saturday manage to discover some sense of self-awareness, and are made to vomit by their own consciences," nodded Dr Kevin Sauceflower from the Institute.
Following a first half to forget, the game produced a flash point of its own, as Chester skipper George Horan and Shaymen striker Dale Johnson passionately embraced, hands around each other's necks, lifting each other and spinning around on the spot.
"You can take that sort of thing elsewhere, please, lads," said the referee, waving a red card at both.
The game opened up as a result and Antoni Sarcevic produced a moment of pure inspiration, striking a beauty beyond Halifax keeper Matt Glennon.
"Still didn't get a hat-trick at Stalybridge, though, did he?", mused Iain Howard after the game.
Despite Chester's back four consisting, by this stage, of Dom Collins and three midfielders, Town were unable to find the net until the last ten minutes, when substitute Simon Hackney rinsed a rip-snorter beyond John Danby.
With much to ask manager Neil Young about, the journalists assembling for his post-match press conference were seen to be setting up sleeping bags just after full time, ready for the long haul.
"Definitely going to be one of Youngy's chat-marathons tonight," Leader journalist Tennis Ball was heard to mutter to his Chronicle rival The Tall Peacock.
Chester now travel to the Shay on Tuesday with everyone hoping that we can just enjoy a football match, if that's not too much to ask, ta.
The game was marred by travelling 'fans' invading both the pitch and home sections of the ground, as fighting ensued. Said Halifax fans were then shepherded back to their seats in the West Stand to enjoy the rest of the game.
"Technically, though they'd thrust their fists into the faces of home supporters and spent time wandering round the pitch with the ball in play, they hadn't attempted to put their feet on any seats, so we couldn't threaten them with ejection," confirmed steward Rasputin Dayglo.
In related news, wanting to whack people with your hands just because they support a different football team to you has been confirmed as "beyond stupid" by scientists at the Royal Institute of Ways to Waste Your Life.
"The best we can hope for is that those involved in causing or sustaining the kind of child-upsetting, moronic violence we saw on Saturday manage to discover some sense of self-awareness, and are made to vomit by their own consciences," nodded Dr Kevin Sauceflower from the Institute.
Following a first half to forget, the game produced a flash point of its own, as Chester skipper George Horan and Shaymen striker Dale Johnson passionately embraced, hands around each other's necks, lifting each other and spinning around on the spot.
"You can take that sort of thing elsewhere, please, lads," said the referee, waving a red card at both.
The game opened up as a result and Antoni Sarcevic produced a moment of pure inspiration, striking a beauty beyond Halifax keeper Matt Glennon.
"Still didn't get a hat-trick at Stalybridge, though, did he?", mused Iain Howard after the game.
Despite Chester's back four consisting, by this stage, of Dom Collins and three midfielders, Town were unable to find the net until the last ten minutes, when substitute Simon Hackney rinsed a rip-snorter beyond John Danby.
With much to ask manager Neil Young about, the journalists assembling for his post-match press conference were seen to be setting up sleeping bags just after full time, ready for the long haul.
"Definitely going to be one of Youngy's chat-marathons tonight," Leader journalist Tennis Ball was heard to mutter to his Chronicle rival The Tall Peacock.
Chester now travel to the Shay on Tuesday with everyone hoping that we can just enjoy a football match, if that's not too much to ask, ta.
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