Following Chester’s home win against Mickleover Sports on Saturday, fans have turned on the club in a scathing criticism of the state of the Exacta Stadium car park. Angered by the team’s failure to beat Mickleover by at least three goals and having spent the preceding week complaining about the ample parking opportunities that surround the ground, it is now the physical condition of the car park which has come under scrutiny.
The complaints were sparked following a sticky situation which played out before the Mickleover clash when C-Block dweller Gary Edwington took a wrong turn down a pothole en route to a programme seller.
“One minute he was there, the next he was gone,” yelped programme vendor Trendy Yachts.
Edwington's cries ensured it wasn’t long before he was aerially hoisted from the hole, and once he had resurfaced, he revealed that other items were buried within the pit of gloom and despair.
“There was a CCFC fax machine manual, a faded red cap, one them peculiar Red Square home kits and Robert Gill,” said the shaken Edwington.
The incident has caused several fans to produce their own peculiar rants.
“Can’t we get the gypos to tarmac it on the cheap?” argued ‘Permanently Flabbergasted Blue’ off of The Devachat. It was one of those posts that seems like it's probably racist, but that the moderators let stay on the board in order to avoid being called over-zealous by the 95% of the forum who are radically right-wing, but spend most of their time complaining about the three or four "loony liberals" on the forum who criticise such things as racial abuse, swearing in front of children and the bricking of coach windows.
Having, obviously, refused to follow this suggestion, The Council now face the wrath of supporters, with fans demanding that the local authority spend their bucket-loads of spare cash on a non-league football club car park on the outskirts of town.
“Sounds reasonable,” chuckled Councillor Spikey Cones, wearing a wide grin. “Sure the majority of tax payers will back that to the hilt - those roads needing attention in areas that people use seven days a week for their regular commutes can wait.”
The club have confirmed that the repair of the car park has been added to the official wish list, along with a brand spanking new bar, the Dane Bank Stand, a new training facility, fresh lobster from the kiosks, a Wi-Fi open zone and half time cocktail-making sessions.
"All these things will be added to the Exacta as soon as we can find a new avenue for extorting the fans," said the recently-quiet Media Officer Jaffa Cakes.
"We need another thing like the Blue$ Player, where we take the services of volunteers and charge for them. We're in talks with the people who man the club shop about them paying for the privilege of working for our club. 'Sponsor a litter-picker' is another initiative that's been suggested. We've tried to take The Tall Peacock's content and charge for it, but the Chronicle threw a hissy. Our last idea is to ask the Jestrian to change to pay-to-view and donate the revenue."
The interview was swiftly wrapped up and Cakes left with a dictaphone stuffed in his mouth.
100% made up nonsense
2% more reliable a news source than Deva Chat
Tuesday, 31 January 2012
Monday, 30 January 2012
Chester FC vs Mickleover Sports - Stodge Report
Neil Young saw his men return to winning ways on Saturday as they defeated little-known leisurewear chain Mickleover Sports.
In the build up to the game, the Chester faithful were excitedly discussing who would get the nod for the acclaimed left wing position. After two days of uncertainty, manager Neil Young eventually settled the matter by arranging a pre-match Jenga tournament, broadcast as a pay-per-view event on The Blue$ Player.
Iain Howard was pictured looking distressed after he narrowly lost the final to Jerome Wright, who produced a gutsy performance to withdraw a lower brick at a stage when the tower looked particularly vulnerable. Wright plodded the brick on top as the stack stood surprisingly firm, and the writing was on the wall for Howard with his very next move. Attempting the perilous removal of a high brick, the plasterer visibly winced as it became evident he was about to lose the contest. The tower hit the floor, and Wright did a little victory jig. You have to pay if you want to see it though, as men in suits need money.
Viewers had been surprised to see reserve goalkeeper Adam Judge take part in the first round, as he disappointingly crashed out to Stefan Cox.
"I’ll play anywhere," grunted Judge. "I was gutted to lose out, but Youngy did warn me that playing the traditional game is completely different to the online version. Apparently you’ve got to have a 'feel for the bricks.' Coxy had the edge there."
In contrast to recent weeks, Young opted for a formation that home fans could at least fathom, as opposed to the free-for-all that was the Hednesford game. The Blues Supremo shifted Antoni Sarcevic into a central midfield position and partnered Michael Wilde with Postman Matt, forming a more traditional 4-4-2, to the relief of look-at-me journalist The Tall Peacock who reportedly suffered migraines trying to identify the formation at the previous home game.
The match had a familiar feel to many other home games, where Chester enjoyed a lot of possession but lacked a cutting edge. However, the deadlock was broken early on, when Scary Alex Brown petrified the ball home from the edge of area. The home crowd's nerves were briefly calmed, before they witnessed Alex Brown's celebration, which was so horrifically frightening that NATV's highlights video has been given an 18 certificate. You have to pay if you want to see it though, as men in suits need money.
Things got better soon after, when Matty McNeil rose high to meet a lofted Robbie Booth delivery to fire the Blues two goals ahead. Mickleover's plan was working perfectly – turn up in a JJB buy-in-bulk kit and go two down early on to lull the home team into thinking that they are amateur tosh. The tactical plot paid off as John Danby lit a cigar and casually tossed the ball to top scorer Matty McGinn to play in Sports winger Martyn Smith, who whipped in a delightful cross for the unmarked Eric Graves to nod past Danby.
"C'mon, who thought he’d actually go and score?" chuckled McGinn.
Mickleover proved themselves to be deceptively good as they halted Chester from extending their lead, whilst looking like they'd be capable of springing a surprise at the other end. The closest Chester came to extending their lead was a Sarcevic thunderbolt that rattled the woodwork, ensuring that he'd at least win the MOTM award, and a disallowed effort from McNeil who spent three minutes doing a celebratory Roger Milla wiggle at the corner flag, before embarrassingly realising that play had continued as normal.
The attendance was roughly 1,300 below the previous home game. Possible reasons for this include the fact that people were asked to park their car without breaking the law, the massive choking against Hednesford, the televised farce at Anfield, the fact that Levi Mackin has a large family who didn't turn up this time, a faulty turnstile, aliens, the depressing socio-economic situation of Zimbabwe, Elton Welsby, no free tickets given to schools, good ales in the Blues Bar leading to some fans forgetting to go inside at kick off, lack of Galaxy Minstrels in the refreshment area, the fact that pay day was the wrong side of the weekend, and people just making other plans because football isn't their whole life. Which is also fine.
Chester held out for the victory, despite a scrappy performance, ensuring that they move three points clear at the top of the league. However, in the post match press conference, Young made it clear that he was displeased, before confusing everyone about wingers.
"We really don't suit wingers, but everyone really likes wingers. They cry out for wingers, apparently. So I played with two wingers and then brought on Stef Cox, who is a winger, and he was mint but wingers leave us exposed when we play with wingers so now I really don't know what to do about all these wingers," said Young, scratching his head.
"I wish he’d make his mind up," bemoaned winger Robbie Booth. "I'm tearing my hair out. You thought that receding hairline was natural didn’t you?"
In the build up to the game, the Chester faithful were excitedly discussing who would get the nod for the acclaimed left wing position. After two days of uncertainty, manager Neil Young eventually settled the matter by arranging a pre-match Jenga tournament, broadcast as a pay-per-view event on The Blue$ Player.
Iain Howard was pictured looking distressed after he narrowly lost the final to Jerome Wright, who produced a gutsy performance to withdraw a lower brick at a stage when the tower looked particularly vulnerable. Wright plodded the brick on top as the stack stood surprisingly firm, and the writing was on the wall for Howard with his very next move. Attempting the perilous removal of a high brick, the plasterer visibly winced as it became evident he was about to lose the contest. The tower hit the floor, and Wright did a little victory jig. You have to pay if you want to see it though, as men in suits need money.
Viewers had been surprised to see reserve goalkeeper Adam Judge take part in the first round, as he disappointingly crashed out to Stefan Cox.
"I’ll play anywhere," grunted Judge. "I was gutted to lose out, but Youngy did warn me that playing the traditional game is completely different to the online version. Apparently you’ve got to have a 'feel for the bricks.' Coxy had the edge there."
In contrast to recent weeks, Young opted for a formation that home fans could at least fathom, as opposed to the free-for-all that was the Hednesford game. The Blues Supremo shifted Antoni Sarcevic into a central midfield position and partnered Michael Wilde with Postman Matt, forming a more traditional 4-4-2, to the relief of look-at-me journalist The Tall Peacock who reportedly suffered migraines trying to identify the formation at the previous home game.
The match had a familiar feel to many other home games, where Chester enjoyed a lot of possession but lacked a cutting edge. However, the deadlock was broken early on, when Scary Alex Brown petrified the ball home from the edge of area. The home crowd's nerves were briefly calmed, before they witnessed Alex Brown's celebration, which was so horrifically frightening that NATV's highlights video has been given an 18 certificate. You have to pay if you want to see it though, as men in suits need money.
Things got better soon after, when Matty McNeil rose high to meet a lofted Robbie Booth delivery to fire the Blues two goals ahead. Mickleover's plan was working perfectly – turn up in a JJB buy-in-bulk kit and go two down early on to lull the home team into thinking that they are amateur tosh. The tactical plot paid off as John Danby lit a cigar and casually tossed the ball to top scorer Matty McGinn to play in Sports winger Martyn Smith, who whipped in a delightful cross for the unmarked Eric Graves to nod past Danby.
"C'mon, who thought he’d actually go and score?" chuckled McGinn.
Mickleover proved themselves to be deceptively good as they halted Chester from extending their lead, whilst looking like they'd be capable of springing a surprise at the other end. The closest Chester came to extending their lead was a Sarcevic thunderbolt that rattled the woodwork, ensuring that he'd at least win the MOTM award, and a disallowed effort from McNeil who spent three minutes doing a celebratory Roger Milla wiggle at the corner flag, before embarrassingly realising that play had continued as normal.
The attendance was roughly 1,300 below the previous home game. Possible reasons for this include the fact that people were asked to park their car without breaking the law, the massive choking against Hednesford, the televised farce at Anfield, the fact that Levi Mackin has a large family who didn't turn up this time, a faulty turnstile, aliens, the depressing socio-economic situation of Zimbabwe, Elton Welsby, no free tickets given to schools, good ales in the Blues Bar leading to some fans forgetting to go inside at kick off, lack of Galaxy Minstrels in the refreshment area, the fact that pay day was the wrong side of the weekend, and people just making other plans because football isn't their whole life. Which is also fine.
Chester held out for the victory, despite a scrappy performance, ensuring that they move three points clear at the top of the league. However, in the post match press conference, Young made it clear that he was displeased, before confusing everyone about wingers.
"We really don't suit wingers, but everyone really likes wingers. They cry out for wingers, apparently. So I played with two wingers and then brought on Stef Cox, who is a winger, and he was mint but wingers leave us exposed when we play with wingers so now I really don't know what to do about all these wingers," said Young, scratching his head.
"I wish he’d make his mind up," bemoaned winger Robbie Booth. "I'm tearing my hair out. You thought that receding hairline was natural didn’t you?"
Friday, 27 January 2012
Chester FC vs Mickleover Sports - Match Prejudice
Chester head into tomorrow’s clash with Mickleover with a refreshed confidence, after Hednesford were surprisingly and hilariously defeated by Marine in midweek. The Blues know that a win would strengthen their title dream and struggling Mickleover present an opportunity for the Blues goal-shy strike force to get back on track.
The focus has fallen upon the Chester FC forwards in recent weeks following a series of spooned chances, with the Evening Leader publishing a startling article featuring Jamie Rainford, who exclusively revealed that the front men want to score goals.
In other revelations, Neil Young will arrive before kick-off, defenders will attempt to keep the ball away from the goal and the word on the street is that the substitutes will go for a light jog and stretch at a mystery point during the Mickleover tie.
“It’s the only way we can keep Wildey happy at the moment, he lives for that clap from the Main Stand when he warms up,” nodded Gary Powell, wearing socks that looked alarmingly like tights.
Meanwhile, The Tall Peacock of the Chester Chronicle - forcing his way through the crowds of screaming women who had turned up at Chronicle HQ hoping to catch a glimpse of his colleague Sharks Prowling - preferred to link up with injured captain George Horan. To the relief of Blues fans, Horan confirmed that he will NOT be panicking following the Hednesford defeat.
“I was getting worried about what our captain felt after Saturday. I was panicking that he was panicking, and that it would make the whole team panic which would then make the fans panic. I’ve not been able to concentrate since. My thanks to George and The Peacock for allaying our fears - I needed this and so did my family,” sighed Exile Kevin Stressman, justifying the article.
Whilst some teams have provided humour with as little as the name of their manager this season, (Peter Rinkcavage of Frickley a prime example) there are no obvious jokes to make about Mickleover boss Dick Pratley.
Mickleover Sports shortened their name from Mickleover Jolly Good Sports in 2004, but maintain an air of sportsmanship not shared by Hednesford Gamesmen. It is expected that no Mickleover player will dive or argue with the ref, whilst manager Pratley is well known for appluading his opposition when they score.
Neil Young meanwhile has introduced Fleetwood's Stefan Cox to his squad;
“He’s a wide man, he’s pacy, quite small, he delivers crosses, he’s unlike anything we currently have,” said Young, of his fourth left winger of the season.
Turning his attention to his opponents, the Blue Chief confessed that he doesn't know a great deal about Mickleover.
“Paddy Cluskey's got a boss tracky from there, though. Give him credit, he wears it well.”
The focus has fallen upon the Chester FC forwards in recent weeks following a series of spooned chances, with the Evening Leader publishing a startling article featuring Jamie Rainford, who exclusively revealed that the front men want to score goals.
In other revelations, Neil Young will arrive before kick-off, defenders will attempt to keep the ball away from the goal and the word on the street is that the substitutes will go for a light jog and stretch at a mystery point during the Mickleover tie.
“It’s the only way we can keep Wildey happy at the moment, he lives for that clap from the Main Stand when he warms up,” nodded Gary Powell, wearing socks that looked alarmingly like tights.
Meanwhile, The Tall Peacock of the Chester Chronicle - forcing his way through the crowds of screaming women who had turned up at Chronicle HQ hoping to catch a glimpse of his colleague Sharks Prowling - preferred to link up with injured captain George Horan. To the relief of Blues fans, Horan confirmed that he will NOT be panicking following the Hednesford defeat.
“I was getting worried about what our captain felt after Saturday. I was panicking that he was panicking, and that it would make the whole team panic which would then make the fans panic. I’ve not been able to concentrate since. My thanks to George and The Peacock for allaying our fears - I needed this and so did my family,” sighed Exile Kevin Stressman, justifying the article.
Whilst some teams have provided humour with as little as the name of their manager this season, (Peter Rinkcavage of Frickley a prime example) there are no obvious jokes to make about Mickleover boss Dick Pratley.
Mickleover Sports shortened their name from Mickleover Jolly Good Sports in 2004, but maintain an air of sportsmanship not shared by Hednesford Gamesmen. It is expected that no Mickleover player will dive or argue with the ref, whilst manager Pratley is well known for appluading his opposition when they score.
Neil Young meanwhile has introduced Fleetwood's Stefan Cox to his squad;
“He’s a wide man, he’s pacy, quite small, he delivers crosses, he’s unlike anything we currently have,” said Young, of his fourth left winger of the season.
Turning his attention to his opponents, the Blue Chief confessed that he doesn't know a great deal about Mickleover.
“Paddy Cluskey's got a boss tracky from there, though. Give him credit, he wears it well.”
Thursday, 26 January 2012
Park and Whine
Following Jamie Rainford's half-decent return to first team action, Chester FC fans have settled on a New Thing to be unhappy about, declaring the car parking situation at the Exacta Stadium "even worse than Stephen Vaughan".
Many Blues fans remain stranded on the stadium car park following Saturday's defeat to Hednesford, with food packages being dropped in by passing Airbus jets. "If only there was a Subway in the East Stand", mused Geraldine Witty, an East Stand season ticket holder who sits a couple of rows behind the bench in order to enjoy the management team's regular second half sing-song.
Scientists at the Royal Institute of Car Parking Dunce-Craft have proven the parking situation at the Exacta to be more stupid than a Zeppellin carrying a cargo of several 12-sided javelins, with just one entrance and no clearly defined spaces.
"I like to make the situation worse by having a go at people who have the gall to reverse their car into position, so as to make the getaway a little easier," said that one car park steward who always does that.
Another exit is located at the back-end of the car-park, but this is kept locked for absolutely no good reason whatsoever. Council spokesman Adam Drone told The Jestrian: "It's not actually a road. It might look like a road. It might have markings on it, like a road would. But no, it's not a road, so you can't use it."
The farce is set to spiral out of control when the Blues return for another home encounter this Saturday, with a club statement today confirming that local authorities will be patrolling the road outside the stadium, ticketing any cars parked on double yellow lines.
Supporters have expressed their displeasure at not being considered to be above the law, with online Blues fans who frequent the Twin Towers of Extraordinary Intelligence (Facebook and The Devachat) railing against these instructions.
"How can you just move the goalposts like that?" raged G Block regular Donald Wickerbasket.
"What happens to the people who don't hear this message? They'll not know that it's illegal to park there, and they'll get ticketed. Bit harsh when they've parked there thinking it's OK to park on double yellows. The council are acting like it's well documented that you're not allowed to park in places where you're not allowed to park. Like it's part of the driving test or something."
Wickerbasket is not the only enraged fan.
"The authorities should spend their time trying to catch proper criminals," said Gerald Skinhead, who is the kind of guy that thinks throwing a brick through the window of the Hednesford supporters bus is just "good banter".
Pleasingly, a solution may be imminent as the issue has caught the eye of Witton Albion chairman The Lark of Paris who has announced their intention to let Chester use the car-park at Wincham Park on matchday.
"Or you can just come watch Witton. Not that we're trying to steal your fans. Though we might be. We're crazy."
Despite the problems, Chester are expecting their highest crowd of the season this Saturday, mostly because 3,000 Blues are still within 500yds of a turnstile.
Many Blues fans remain stranded on the stadium car park following Saturday's defeat to Hednesford, with food packages being dropped in by passing Airbus jets. "If only there was a Subway in the East Stand", mused Geraldine Witty, an East Stand season ticket holder who sits a couple of rows behind the bench in order to enjoy the management team's regular second half sing-song.
Scientists at the Royal Institute of Car Parking Dunce-Craft have proven the parking situation at the Exacta to be more stupid than a Zeppellin carrying a cargo of several 12-sided javelins, with just one entrance and no clearly defined spaces.
"I like to make the situation worse by having a go at people who have the gall to reverse their car into position, so as to make the getaway a little easier," said that one car park steward who always does that.
Another exit is located at the back-end of the car-park, but this is kept locked for absolutely no good reason whatsoever. Council spokesman Adam Drone told The Jestrian: "It's not actually a road. It might look like a road. It might have markings on it, like a road would. But no, it's not a road, so you can't use it."
The farce is set to spiral out of control when the Blues return for another home encounter this Saturday, with a club statement today confirming that local authorities will be patrolling the road outside the stadium, ticketing any cars parked on double yellow lines.
Supporters have expressed their displeasure at not being considered to be above the law, with online Blues fans who frequent the Twin Towers of Extraordinary Intelligence (Facebook and The Devachat) railing against these instructions.
"How can you just move the goalposts like that?" raged G Block regular Donald Wickerbasket.
"What happens to the people who don't hear this message? They'll not know that it's illegal to park there, and they'll get ticketed. Bit harsh when they've parked there thinking it's OK to park on double yellows. The council are acting like it's well documented that you're not allowed to park in places where you're not allowed to park. Like it's part of the driving test or something."
Wickerbasket is not the only enraged fan.
"The authorities should spend their time trying to catch proper criminals," said Gerald Skinhead, who is the kind of guy that thinks throwing a brick through the window of the Hednesford supporters bus is just "good banter".
Pleasingly, a solution may be imminent as the issue has caught the eye of Witton Albion chairman The Lark of Paris who has announced their intention to let Chester use the car-park at Wincham Park on matchday.
"Or you can just come watch Witton. Not that we're trying to steal your fans. Though we might be. We're crazy."
Despite the problems, Chester are expecting their highest crowd of the season this Saturday, mostly because 3,000 Blues are still within 500yds of a turnstile.
Wednesday, 25 January 2012
Go Westley
Neil Young has shown the strongest signs yet that he has ambitions of managing full time after it emerged that he is employing tactics made famous by Graham Westley, a man who has recently earned Football League employment following years of experience in the non-leagues.
New Preston North End boss Westley hit the headlines this week as it was reported that he had sent motivational text messages to his players in the early hours of Saturday morning.
This, it transpires, is no longer a technique unique to the former Stevenage gaffer. The Jestrian understands that at 2am last night, several Chester players were disturbed by their smart phones as Young emailed them pictures of “lolcats”.
“It was dead annoying, doesn’t he know we’re trying to sleep?” raged Matty McNeil.
 | ||
| Miaow: Neil Young found this whilst searching for a new left back. |
New Preston North End boss Westley hit the headlines this week as it was reported that he had sent motivational text messages to his players in the early hours of Saturday morning.
This, it transpires, is no longer a technique unique to the former Stevenage gaffer. The Jestrian understands that at 2am last night, several Chester players were disturbed by their smart phones as Young emailed them pictures of “lolcats”.
“It was dead annoying, doesn’t he know we’re trying to sleep?” raged Matty McNeil.
 |
| Nothing New: Former Chester City Manager Terry Smith used to use lolcats to demonstrate his training techniques. |
“I thought something serious had happened!” said a bewildered Iain Howard.
“I liked the one that was asking for a cookie,” laughed Chris Simm.
Other reports of goings on at North End include a story that Westley employed a sports psychologist who ‘got the squad thumping their chests while chanting “We are going to f****** win this Saturday", but Young stopped short of emulating this, worrying that it would lead to another spate of players breaking their collarbones.
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