Blues lost without The Jestrian

Chester FC can't even go a month without the Jestrian, it emerged today.

Despite being described by fans who've never read it as "not as good as the Onion Bag" and having been slated by those who had previously defined it as "genius" once their own hysterical attitudes got satirised, the badly designed blog is apparently integral to the success of the football club, which is now in a right state.  Having been offline for little over a month, the Jestrian has returned to find the Exacta in catastrophe.

"I feel like a parent who's gone away for the week and trusted their kids when they shouldn't have," coughed the Jestrian.

Club officials have moved to attempt an explanation.

"We've all been sitting in our offices refreshing the Jestrian homepage over and over," admitted under fire CEO Pet Husky. "While we were doing that, someone seems to have snuck in and stolen £20k or something. Sorry about that."

Financial reports today show that Chester's finances are in such a mess that a financial controller is being brought in to plan a budgetary recovery.

"People are over-reacting," said Deva Chatter Jimmy Happyclap. "Just because outside experts have been called in to fix things... Sometimes you just call an ambulance because you've got a sore throat, right? Or is that just me?"

Meanwhile, new chairman the Phony Gherkin has been using the news to lower expectations in an attempt to make anything he does look good. This had led to speculation that the Harry Mac will take to singing "it's just like watching the coallition" at the Brackley match on Saturday.

Gherkin's ploy looks to be paying early dividends, as fans have fallen for the smokescreen, overlooking a statement made by the chairman today that feedback on the Racecourse pies has been good.

"We're weighed down with letters coming in every day bigging up the pies," nodded The Gherkin, a suited man who's clearly never stood on a terrace trying to man-handle a non-pie into his mouth while a pastry floatation aid threatens to hurl itself over the side in a bid for tasty freedom.

"Yeah, loads of letters. They have to write letters, because they've never learnt how to use the internet or, you know, how to speak to other people.  That's why you've never heard from them.  Point is, these unidentifiable masses love the pies, so those of you complaining about them in your visible hundreds can just pipe down."

And the discomforting happenings haven't been confined to the boardroom. A YouTube video of manager Neil Young's post-match interview following Wednesday's game against Stockport Sports shows the Chief Seal roaring with laughter following an off-camera incident - a sight as unsettling as it is rare.

"Never happened," scowled The Merseyrail Hardnut, when shown the video.

In more exciting news, Chester will face an away clash in the Cheshire Senior Cup Quarter Finals against Tranmere Rovers, who are Chester's most fierce rivals after Wrexham. And Crewe. Probably Southport these days. Shrewsbury, even, to be honest. But not Chorley. Chorley are nothing.

Some things aren't anybody's fault

Selfish, selfish Chester fans have ignored The Jestrian's need for a Christmas break after their gamble to travel to Workington for a game that never seemed likely to go ahead backfired in unfortunate circumstances, with the inevitable cancellation coming at 1.40pm.  By this point, many travellers were already in or near the ground.

With Blues fans out of pocket for an ultimately pointless journey at an already expensive time of year, many have taken it upon themselves to blame various human beings for the meteorological conditions.  The referee has taken the brunt of the abuse, with some stating that he is a 'disgrace' and calling for his sacking.

"The ref should have called the match off based on the weather forecast," whined one fan, who had access to the exact same forecast before choosing to travel.

In any event, you cannot call a match off based on a weather forecast, as these are notoriously unreliable.  Indeed, some vaguely more sensible Blues accepted this and instead chose to criticise the match official's decision to pass the pitch fit to play at 12.30.

"I obviously wasn't there to see the pitch at that time, but it was definitely the wrong decision," frothed Henry Drainpipes, away day regular.

Meanwhile, scientists have confirmed that yes, of course a pitch can be playable at 12.30 but not at 13.40, for goodness' sake.

Others have complained that Workington's desperation to actually play the football match that they had travelled to see is to blame for the entire debacle, whilst Neil Young, who didn't want the game played, has escaped criticism.

"Obviously Youngy shouldn't be criticised, but then nor should anyone else really, so it's a bit inconsistent, isn't it?", mused Dr Gerald Breadbasket from the Royal Institute of Reasoned Voices.  "Research shows that some things are just no-one's fault, however much you might want a scapegoat.  You took the risk, and on this occasion, events out of anyone's control meant that it didn't pay off.  If you accept this, you'll probably manage to be a bit more philosophical about things when these unfortunate events come to pass, and you'll probably have a happier life for it."

Chester's next game is against Droylesden on Boxing Day, provided the referee doesn't cause the ground to freeze half an hour before kick off.

Chester FC 2-0 Harrogate Town - Match Exhale

Chester overcame Harrogate Town last night in a game that, Ben Mills bodyslam aside, was so straightforward that The Jestrian has decided to take its Christmas break.  If you don't like it, come up with your own jokes.  You can start off by imaging how funny it would be if George Horan had thrown a paddy over Mills stealing his wrestling shtick.

For those interested (and it's never clear how many people that is), there is no set date for a return.  The Jestrian will merely pop up again if and when the will to Jest returns.  If you need a laugh in the mean time, there's a thread on Deva Chat which started off as being about Neil Young's salary, before descending into being about whether it's ok to discuss Neil Young's salary.  It was locked just before someone questioned whether it's ok to discuss whether it's ok to discuss Neil Young's salary.

For Jestrian notifications, you can follow on Twitter, and "like" on Facebook.  You can also buy Jestrian branded stuff by clicking on the hoody over there ->

Season's greetings,

Sharks Prowling

Chester FC vs Harrogate Town - Match Inhale

Chester FC take on Harrogate Town tonight, with the question on everyone's lips being "are they the lot with a railway?"

As it transpires, Harrogate Town are a separate entity to Harrogate Railway, a revelation which disappointed Chester manager and train boffin Neil Young.

"Thought I was gonna be able to chat choo-choos with their officials," sulked the Blue Chief.  "Had a right evening planned."

With competition for places fierce, things could hot up further still with Tony Gray eager for a recall, Scott Brown recovering from injury, Professor Plum impressing in training and Colonel Mustard offering a different option on the right wing.

Manager Young is wary of the opposition and has stated that the club is in "a false position", which is his way of describing North Yorkshire.

A familiar face to Chester fans, Harrogate have Lee Elam in their squad - something that most football teams have been able to boast at one time or another.

"He's had 16 clubs now - you try taking that many on a golf course, you'd get disqualified," mused Young.

Meanwhile, Adam Bolder is considered a rock in midfield for the visitors.

"Easy, now...", warned the Pun Police.

With on field matters at an all-time high, fans are looking to get their moaning fix elsewhere, with Deva Chat controversies raging in the past week over such spectacularly dull issues as pies, players celebrating on the wrong side of the pitch, the fact that Neil Young is paid for his job and the fact that Nathan Jarman likes to play, having travelling from Scunthorpe and all.

"I don't even like pies, but the fact is I need the hormone release that comes with having a good gripe," admitted one poster.  "And let's be fair now - those Racecourse monstrosities are not pies, so it's a cause worth fighting."

Furthermore, the players have considered the request that they celebrate in front of the West Stand now and then, but have ruled it out on the basis that celebrating in front of a wall of silence can be quite disheartening as it can have the effect of suddenly reminding you that football just doesn't matter.

"Besides, the West Stand has had its excitement for the year when they cheered a man throwing the ball back on the pitch on Saturday.  Bizarre that they should choose that moment to break a five year silence, but each to their own I suppose," mumbled club historian Jazz Drummer.

A win for the Blues will keep them top of the tree over Christmas, before the tree is taken out and left in the yard for the duration of January.

Neil Young is Queen of Chester FC

New chairman of The City Fans United, Phoney Gherkin, has confirmed that Neil Young is "basically Chester FC's version of the Queen."

In the week that the Queen was invited into a cabinet meeting at Westminster, it has been reported that Neil Young will similarly sit in on board meetings.

"We figured that if the Queen is going to be in on the government of her country, why shouldn't Youngy have a say on pies and stuff?", confirmed Gherkin, who also announced that, in order to mark the occasion, the Blues Boss has been presented with 60 Chester City coasters which were leftover stock from the old club shop.

The decision to allow Young into the boardroom had sparked major discontent amongst Seals fans earlier in the week, after Gherkin's initial statement made it sound as though the manager was going to be made a director.

"Er... nah... that woulda been stupid, wouldn't it?", spluttered Gherkin.  "Never the plan, that.  Honest."

The board do, however, have more decisions to make on this subject.  Part of Antartica is to be named Queen Elizabeth Land after the reigning monarch, and insiders have suggested that Young is holding out for this kind of treatment too.

"At the moment, the most likely solution is to name a block of four seats in the West Stand 'Neil Young Land'," confirmed TCFU media addict Jitter Bugs.  "Neil has other ideas, though.  He wants an actual Youngy Land - a Neil-based theme park built in the corner of the car park.  Says Merseyrail are willing to donate a ghost train, and everything."

Meanwhile, with Young now having spent almost three years at the club, preparations have started for his Leather Jubilee in 2013.

"We're gonna take him down to the Dee and let him wave from the Mark Twain Showboat," nodded Bugs.