Neil Young, Master of Ceremonies

Neil Young will turn Creative Director before tomorrow's home clash with Workington AFC, as he puts into action his Exacta Opening Ceremony.

Following the success of Danny Boyle's Olympic Opening Ceremony last month, the Blues boss has decided that all events should have an overblown party celebrating the fact that something has started.  Young now regularly begins his day with a luau, whilst the family have been treated to some energetic curtain-raisers to their weekly Sunday roast.

"It just gives each occasion a bit more of a build-up," explains Young.  "Gets everyone excited for the event ahead."

Accordingly, Young has demanded that Chester's first home game of the season should incorporate a hootenanny, leading to speculation as to what the Merseyrail Hardnut has in store.

"Obviously we won't get the Queen sky-diving, but we shouldn't rule out the possibility of the Duke of Westminster doing a kick flip on a skateboard," speculates cultural commentator and Chronicle quill-chap The Tall Peacock.

"There's also rumour that Jessie J might show up, sing one of her own songs, sing with a rapper, sing with a couple of other guys, disappear for a bit, sing with a legendary rock band, dance a bit, do some air guitar and then start at left-back."

Young is reportedly keen on having the teams do a parade as part of the show, but this has hit a roadblock as no-one knows where to source a giant Workington AFC flag.

The opening ceremony will be accompanied by the unveiling of a giant sculpture of Michael Powell's fringe in the car park.

"In reality, we're just getting the Llandudno Snowboard Centre to set up their dry ski slope outside the Blues Bar," confirms Young.

Much like the Olympics opening ceremony, it is expected that the climactic moment will be carried out not by legends of the club, but by some kids who might play for the club one day, maybe.

"It sends out the wholesome message that achievement doesn't count for anything, and that the possibility of future achievement is paramount," explains cultural commentator and Chronicle lady-magnet Sharks Prowling.

"It's the same logic by which England are always building for the next major tournament rather than trying to win the one they're actually in."

The ceremony will begin at 12 o'clock and there will be live audio commentary by Blues Live, available for a hefty sum.