4-0 rout a game of two halves

Chester romped to a comfortable 4-0 victory over Kendal last night to continue their surge towards to top of the league.

The Blues got in front after just two minutes, although many fans missed the early goal as they were still outside lobbying for the return of Mark Peers.

Things got even better two minutes later as Chorley Chester were awarded a penalty. Confident after having converted his four previous spotkicks, Matty McGinn incorporated a forward roll and a moonwalk into his run-up before calmly dispatching the penalty kick and running off simply pointing and laughing at the beaten goalkeeper.

"We know all about the penalty clause in McGinn's arrangement with Chester, but we didn't expect the ref to give it so early in the game.  It really affected the momentum of the match" argued Kendal manager Lee Ashcroft.

Just after the half hour mark Chester added a third through Matty McNeil. The goal was met with sighs and tutting from the Chester faithful as they accepted that the game as a contest was over before half time, with some even heading for the exits.

After the break, the game turned horrifyingly dull with any sort of attacking play rendered as rare as dodo caviar.  Indeed, one of the more eye catching aspects of the second period was the stylishly photosynthesising grass. Christian Smith and Michael Taylor started a game of 'I Spy' whilst Michael Powell counted the number of away fans and took to yelling "I'm Wim Jonk!" every time he touched the ball.  Meanwhile, Liam Brownhill spent most of the second half singing "I know a song that will get on your nerves" at the Kendal left winger.

After weeks of talks between senior fans and club management, Bradley Barnes came off the bench late on to complete the negotiated minimum of five minutes of game time which he is to be guaranteed in each game he is available. This did stir the home crowd and by the time Ian Howard wrapped up a fourth, some even celebrated with a weary fist to the air.

The Blues have a free weekend on Saturday before Tuesday's Cheshire Senior Cup outing to Hyde FC. The Senior Cup was a competition that was an amusing aside when the club was in its previous guise and playing at a higher level, but these days it's actually considered a serious competition and it's really not that interesting or funny anymore.

Home game to reignite attendances 'debate'

Following two away games, fans of Chester FC are glad to get back to the Exacta tomorrow in order to resume the practice of thinking that they can judge the attendance figure better by sight than the club can by using an automated ticker system.

Despite the fact that it is scientifically impossible to calculate numbers upwards of six at a glance, many Chester fans believe that they can differentiate between figures such as 2300 and 2700 by having a sweeping look around the ground then holding to their instant estimate as though it had been signed off by the National Office for Statistics.

"The attendance at the last home game against North Ferriby, was announced as 2150" said Marlon Poppyjack of the Are The Correct Attendances Being Announced at The Exacta? lobbyist group.

"I think that was an underestimate.  I had a look around in the second half whilst the ball was out of play, and by my ill-considered calculations, there were definitely more like 2263."

Gareth Grant joined the ATCABAATE lobbyists after believing the North Ferriby game had been attended by at least 4000 fans.  He later resigned his membership when it transpired that he had banged his head and had double vision.

"I was wondering why there were two balls, to be honest.  It seemed a radical rule change" admitted Grant.

When the FC United encounter was attended by 3219 fans, Bobby Giles, founder of ATCABAATE, raved "Where can you fit another three thousand in here, eh?!  Tell me!  Show me where!  You're wrong, you're all wrong, fools!" before driving his three kids home in shuttle runs because he couldn't figure out how to fit them all in his people carrier at once.

In response to these accusations, Paul Griffin, member of The City Fans United attempted to explain the capacity of each stand, but no-one was particularly interested.

Young looks ahead to Kendal

Chester will be full of confidence when they take on Kendal Town on Wednesday evening, having chalked up an impressive three consecutive wins. The early season defensive frailties appear to be a thing of the past, coinciding with the moon being "in the seventh house" and the return of Michael Taylor to the starting 11.

"Michael has impressed in training recently.  His return is completely unrelated to the fact that Christian Smith isn't really a defender" said manager Neil Young.

"It's important that we try players out in certain positions to see if they can do a job. Now we know about the abilities of Christian in that position, we're going to take a look at Joe Ormrod in the sweeper role in the cup games and also experiment by asking John Danby to play a continental 'libero' role."

Clark Powell of The City Fans United added that Mark Reed has been asked if he can do a job cutting the oranges at half time for Wednesday's home game, to ensure backup should the caterers pull out.  Meanwhile, Reed has been working hard to create first team opportunities for himself by kicking Matty McNeil in the knees when he's not looking and challenging Chris Simm with riddles on Saturday mornings in an attempt to confuse him enough that he turns up late again.

Young is expected to name an unchanged side on Wednesday, but insists that he will continue to punish latecomers.

"People have to remember that we pay these guys.  Turning up late is unacceptable" said Young, who is also a manager at Merseyrail, for goodness' sake.

In the interests of continuity, Chief Executive Pat McCluskey has weirdly asked that all staff wear the same underwear as the previous home game, washed or not, and Rob Clegg will be spilling water on himself again.

Professional Performance Confounds Philosophers

Chester continued a good run of form yesterday, with a workman-like 3-0 victory away at Worksop Town.  Following the game, several fans and officials of the club described it as a "professional performance", causing uproar in the philosophy world as some of the country's greatest minds started to ask whether it's possible for a semi-professional club to put in a professional performance.

"For me, this is up there with questions like 'If a tree falls in a forest and there's no-one around to hear it, who chopped it down?'" said Lennie Hood, who is remarkably intelligent but has chosen to spend all his time thinking about things that probably don't matter.

The Oxford Philosophy Post-Graduate continued "If a semi-professional player produces a professional performance, then he contravenes the very semi-professional nature of the game.  Either it's a conceptual impossibility, or Chester are cheating.  At best, they should be turning in semi-professional performances, or the entire integrity of the competition is compromised."

When asked what a semi-professional performance might entail, Hood shrugged and suggested "every time a player works hard to wins a corner, he has to contrast it by doing a shot of tequila?"

Hood was then asked to muse upon why amateur Sunday league sides insist upon buying expensive Nike kits because they "look more professional", at which point his head exploded in a self-satisfied cloud of smoke.

Meanwhile, Paul Morris who works for the Inland Revenue admitted there "may be some tax implications" should Chester continue to put in professional displays in defiance of their semi-pro status.

However, Neil Young rose above the confusion in the philosophy and financial worlds to praise his team for another three points well won.

"The lads really worked today.  At times it was tough going, but we earnt ourselves some good fortune and we're delighted to come away with a another win and another clean sheet" said the Blues Boss when asked to sum up the game in one word.

McGinn retention dependant on Chester winning more penalties

Chester take on their second away game of the week when they travel to Worksop tomorrow, with the future of Matty McGinn still undecided.

The left back has made a fine impact so far, scoring so many penalties in his first four or five games that even Carling Opta threw their abacus against a wall, gave up trying to count and stormed out of the room to get pizza.

And the penalties are a big factor in the decision McGinn now has to make.

"I've enjoyed my time at Chester, but before I can commit, I'm going to need assurances from the manager that we're still going to get a penalty at least every other game.  Ladies love a goalscorer and my best chance of goals is from the spot, so this means either playing for Chester or Chorley 2010-2011.  I'm working on a time machine so that the latter is an option, but if Youngy keeps playing these penner-getting tactics, I could be convinced to stay at the Exacta."

Manager Neil Young responded by saying "No one player can dictate the tactics, but Matty has been an inspiration in his short stint so far, and the penalties are working for us so we're certainly taking his comments on board.  We'll be working in training at kicking the ball into a defender's hand like you can do on FIFA 2011 and the forwards will be learning how to use Derren Brown-style mind tricks in order to dupe centre backs into tripping them."

The full transcript of Young's interview can be found spread across twelve hardback volumes in Chester Library on Northgate Street and went on for so long that four reporters are nursing broken dictaphones.