Following a second criminally dull game in succession at the Exacta Stadium, discussion has again turned to the lack of 'atmosphere' during Chester's home games this season.
And it seems a discussion doomed to fail, as most Chester fans demonstrate a basic misapprehension of the term. Rather than realising that an atmosphere is formed via a shared rapport between everyone in the venue, it appears that most Cestrian teenagers equate 'atmosphere' with 'noise', considering the Exacta to be at its most atmospheric when a bunch of kids boorishly chant the refrain to Bob Marley's reggae classic "Three Little Birds" whilst someone smashes a snare drum in 4/4 time.
"I went to a restaurant with a great atmosphere the other day," said Harry Mac regular Roger Kidney-Stones.
"There was a group of young lads in the corner incessantly chanting 'Neil Young's Blue and White Carbonara' over and over."
Another frequenter of the Harry Mac, Gareth Ponyhorse, had this warning;
"It's important to create atmosphere by making regimented, often unpleasant noise. Have you ever seen a replay of that snooker final between Dennis Taylor and Steve Davies? One of the greatest snooker matches ever, but you could hear a pin drop as Taylor stepped up to sink that final black. No atmosphere at all."
Meanwhile C-Blocker Terrence Guffaw boasted that his section outsang the Harry Mac during the Worksop game, showing that it's not just the kids who have failed to grasp the concept.
Scientists at The Royal Institute of Handy Soundbites About Atmosphere in Hastings have offered alternative explanations as to why the atmosphere at the Exacta falls so flat.
"It's mostly the fact that Chester fans are pretty chilled out and don't get all angry about little things like, for example, them Burnley fans you get," mused Dr Gerry Juicebar.
"It means that if you stand on the terrace at Chester, you can have a chat about what's going on in Neighbours at the moment or have a cheeky flick through the Guardian.
"In conclusion, it seems to me that most Chester fans don't really care about football until they're on a computer."
100% made up nonsense
2% more reliable a news source than Deva Chat
Wednesday, 7 December 2011
Tuesday, 6 December 2011
Well, that was a miscalculation
Chester FC yesterday admitted that they had calculated Saturday's attendance wrongly, giving a revised figure of 2225, a total almost 400 greater than the figure originally quoted of 1850.
The amended figures have wide-reaching consequences, including rendering a perfectly good Jestrian article where we'd come up with reasons for the poor attendance entirely redundant.
And further controversy has arisen, as information found on a club pen-drive, accidentally left on a Merseyrail Train à Grand Distresse, has revealed that a the club used a similar counting method for tallying the votes of anyone who ran against Jeff Banks and Mark Howell for election to the board of The City Fans United.
Almost as disastrous, it means that dullard fans will now have a new, ill-founded confidence when they disagree with the attendance announced.
"I knew it was more like 2225," nodded Jimmy Anorak-Toggles, of the Harry Mac Terrace.
"I can count far better than automated machines, and this proves my narcissism right. Now, whatever attendance is quoted, I'm going to take my ridiculous guess as the official figure, because clearly the club can't be trusted.
"What do you mean my brain can't compute numbers of that size just by looking? 2225, baby! Read 'em and weep."
Chief Executive Pet Husky has also confirmed that other previous announcements have been made in error;
"We actually appointed Dave Challinor as manager, not Neil Young," admitted the Rugby League expert.
"Bit awkward, that one. Youngy turned up on the first day and we realised we'd got the press release wrong. Fortunately, he's done a decent job and hasn't noticed that the Direct Debit is set up to pay his salary into Challinor's bank account."
The amended figures have wide-reaching consequences, including rendering a perfectly good Jestrian article where we'd come up with reasons for the poor attendance entirely redundant.
And further controversy has arisen, as information found on a club pen-drive, accidentally left on a Merseyrail Train à Grand Distresse, has revealed that a the club used a similar counting method for tallying the votes of anyone who ran against Jeff Banks and Mark Howell for election to the board of The City Fans United.
Almost as disastrous, it means that dullard fans will now have a new, ill-founded confidence when they disagree with the attendance announced.
"I knew it was more like 2225," nodded Jimmy Anorak-Toggles, of the Harry Mac Terrace.
"I can count far better than automated machines, and this proves my narcissism right. Now, whatever attendance is quoted, I'm going to take my ridiculous guess as the official figure, because clearly the club can't be trusted.
"What do you mean my brain can't compute numbers of that size just by looking? 2225, baby! Read 'em and weep."
Chief Executive Pet Husky has also confirmed that other previous announcements have been made in error;
"We actually appointed Dave Challinor as manager, not Neil Young," admitted the Rugby League expert.
"Bit awkward, that one. Youngy turned up on the first day and we realised we'd got the press release wrong. Fortunately, he's done a decent job and hasn't noticed that the Direct Debit is set up to pay his salary into Challinor's bank account."
Monday, 5 December 2011
Chester FC vs Worksop Town - Match Twaddle
Chester ensured they remain top of the pile with a hard fought 2-0 over Worksop Town.
For the second home game running, the crowd was stunned by how quickly the grass grew.
The Blues best early chance came as Alex Brown was hauled down in a dangerous position. Most of the home crowd missed the incident as they were watching Barry Hipkiss doing his customary lap around the ground, and speculating as to how many games the legendary crack-a-smile coach organiser has actually seen. A club spokesman confirmed that whilst Hipkiss spends a lot of time doing laps of the Exacta, he does “occasionally glance at play”.
The deadlock was broken in the 33rd minute. Robbie Booth, with his worryingly receding hairline, whipped a dangerous delivery in the box which bounced off Michael Powell, who has enough quiff for both he and Booth, and into the net to give Neil Young’s men a lead that was perhaps harsh on the visitors. Powell celebrated near the touchline as coach Gary Powell applied some emergency product to the stand-in skipper's quiff, that had taken some damage in the windy conditions and had noticeably lost some of it’s renowned bounce.
Young himself was losing interest and sent Wilde on much earlier than usual, "just to spice things up". The lovable media-addict gave the Blues an added dimension with some physical front play and the second man up front proved a wise tactical move by the Merseyrail Hardnut. After 72 minutes the lead was doubled after some impressive hold-up play by Old McNeil (the Chester striker rather than a novelty Irish pub) resulted in a lay-off to Powell who made no mistake from close range.
That was just about the end of any footballing action as the remaining twenty minutes turned even more scrappy than the previous seventy. The referee decided to make the affair just a bit more tedious by a issuing a string of silly bookings and taking his sweet time about it. The fussy nature of the official appeared to cause some friction between both sets of players which spilled over into the tunnel after the final whistle, with Worksop keeper Jon Worsnop particularly keen to ensure he is more well-remembered after he departs the Exacta this time, by brawling with Michael Taylor - a man who you just wouldn’t mess with.
The game also saw the launch of a new initiative by the club, as they planted undercover agents around the ground, posing as frail old men in an attempt to gauge whether or not the fan base is really buying into the community ethos. Media gent Jaffa Cakes was known to be beaming after CCTV captured a fake elderly chap, who had conveniently dropped his walking stick at the final whistle, being immediately assisted by a young female, thus proving that we really are the Flanders family of the footballing world.
For the second home game running, the crowd was stunned by how quickly the grass grew.
The Blues best early chance came as Alex Brown was hauled down in a dangerous position. Most of the home crowd missed the incident as they were watching Barry Hipkiss doing his customary lap around the ground, and speculating as to how many games the legendary crack-a-smile coach organiser has actually seen. A club spokesman confirmed that whilst Hipkiss spends a lot of time doing laps of the Exacta, he does “occasionally glance at play”.
The deadlock was broken in the 33rd minute. Robbie Booth, with his worryingly receding hairline, whipped a dangerous delivery in the box which bounced off Michael Powell, who has enough quiff for both he and Booth, and into the net to give Neil Young’s men a lead that was perhaps harsh on the visitors. Powell celebrated near the touchline as coach Gary Powell applied some emergency product to the stand-in skipper's quiff, that had taken some damage in the windy conditions and had noticeably lost some of it’s renowned bounce.
Young himself was losing interest and sent Wilde on much earlier than usual, "just to spice things up". The lovable media-addict gave the Blues an added dimension with some physical front play and the second man up front proved a wise tactical move by the Merseyrail Hardnut. After 72 minutes the lead was doubled after some impressive hold-up play by Old McNeil (the Chester striker rather than a novelty Irish pub) resulted in a lay-off to Powell who made no mistake from close range.
That was just about the end of any footballing action as the remaining twenty minutes turned even more scrappy than the previous seventy. The referee decided to make the affair just a bit more tedious by a issuing a string of silly bookings and taking his sweet time about it. The fussy nature of the official appeared to cause some friction between both sets of players which spilled over into the tunnel after the final whistle, with Worksop keeper Jon Worsnop particularly keen to ensure he is more well-remembered after he departs the Exacta this time, by brawling with Michael Taylor - a man who you just wouldn’t mess with.
The game also saw the launch of a new initiative by the club, as they planted undercover agents around the ground, posing as frail old men in an attempt to gauge whether or not the fan base is really buying into the community ethos. Media gent Jaffa Cakes was known to be beaming after CCTV captured a fake elderly chap, who had conveniently dropped his walking stick at the final whistle, being immediately assisted by a young female, thus proving that we really are the Flanders family of the footballing world.
Friday, 2 December 2011
Chester FC vs Worksop Town - Match Pre-Mortem
Chester return to Evo Stick North action tomorrow as they entertain Worksop Town at the Exacta Stadium.
The in-form Tigers lie in mid-table and are spearheaded by manager Martin McIntosh who took over from the man with the best name in non-league, Peter Rinkcavage, in 2010. Whilst Rinkcavage's reign wasn't particularly remarkable, we'll take any chance to name-check the guy.
Notable former Worksop players include Spurs legend Chris Waddle - one of the finest players of his generation who played in one of the most successful England teams of recent times, and Leo Bertos.
Former Chester City goalkeeper Jon Worsnop is set to take his place in goal for The Tigers and is a new man these days, having recovered from the psychological damage wrought by getting shouted at by Paul Carden whenever he fumbled a cross.
“Cardy had a problem with me but did you see me attack him for annoyingly booting the ball out of play every time we kicked off?” argued a not-at-all bitter Worsnop.
Worsnop's name also looks a bit like the name of the team he plays for, which is fun.
Worksop currently boast striker Massiah McDonald amongst their ranks and journalists The Tall Peacock and Tennis Ball have reportedly become increasingly excited as the week has drawn on. Rumours have emerged today that the pair have offered a bribe to the match referee, asking that he sends McDonald off so they can use the headline ‘he’s not the Massiah, he’s a very naughty boy’.
Young will have to plan for the absence of skipper George Horan who unsurprisingly faces a four match ban for that silly sending off in that silly cup competition. Michael Powell will have to be uncharacteristically cautious as he sits only two bookings away from suspension, meaning that in two games time it’s more than likely that he will induce a suspension. Powell has been asked to get any frustration out of his system by instead committing fouls against club staff rather than the opposition and was recently pretend cautioned by Neil Young for a tug on Barrie Hipkiss’s tie, and penalised for a cynical challenge on Volunteer Co-ordinator Carol Bennett. As she lay face-down on the tarmac of the Exacta car park, Powell sprinting off into the sunset, Bennett was heard to mutter "gotta take one for the team, I s'pose."
The Blues have fully stocked the club shop in anticipation of doing a roaring Christmas trade, and are hoping that business will be swift with tomorrow’s match likely to be the last home game before Santa arrives. New in stock are Chester FC cuff links, that you’d never be allowed to wear in any respectable office, and even if you were, you’d be mercilessly ribbed by colleagues. You can also get your hands on a trendy beanie hat, which no doubt will be modelled by Michael Wilde at some stage if it hasn’t happened already.
'Buy a Player as a Gift' is another initiative being promoted by the club, although a club spokesman was quick to dismiss fears that Joe Ormrod could spring out of a box in your living room on Christmas Day, confirming that it is indeed just a sponsorship opportunity
The in-form Tigers lie in mid-table and are spearheaded by manager Martin McIntosh who took over from the man with the best name in non-league, Peter Rinkcavage, in 2010. Whilst Rinkcavage's reign wasn't particularly remarkable, we'll take any chance to name-check the guy.
Notable former Worksop players include Spurs legend Chris Waddle - one of the finest players of his generation who played in one of the most successful England teams of recent times, and Leo Bertos.
Former Chester City goalkeeper Jon Worsnop is set to take his place in goal for The Tigers and is a new man these days, having recovered from the psychological damage wrought by getting shouted at by Paul Carden whenever he fumbled a cross.
“Cardy had a problem with me but did you see me attack him for annoyingly booting the ball out of play every time we kicked off?” argued a not-at-all bitter Worsnop.
Worsnop's name also looks a bit like the name of the team he plays for, which is fun.
Worksop currently boast striker Massiah McDonald amongst their ranks and journalists The Tall Peacock and Tennis Ball have reportedly become increasingly excited as the week has drawn on. Rumours have emerged today that the pair have offered a bribe to the match referee, asking that he sends McDonald off so they can use the headline ‘he’s not the Massiah, he’s a very naughty boy’.
Young will have to plan for the absence of skipper George Horan who unsurprisingly faces a four match ban for that silly sending off in that silly cup competition. Michael Powell will have to be uncharacteristically cautious as he sits only two bookings away from suspension, meaning that in two games time it’s more than likely that he will induce a suspension. Powell has been asked to get any frustration out of his system by instead committing fouls against club staff rather than the opposition and was recently pretend cautioned by Neil Young for a tug on Barrie Hipkiss’s tie, and penalised for a cynical challenge on Volunteer Co-ordinator Carol Bennett. As she lay face-down on the tarmac of the Exacta car park, Powell sprinting off into the sunset, Bennett was heard to mutter "gotta take one for the team, I s'pose."
The Blues have fully stocked the club shop in anticipation of doing a roaring Christmas trade, and are hoping that business will be swift with tomorrow’s match likely to be the last home game before Santa arrives. New in stock are Chester FC cuff links, that you’d never be allowed to wear in any respectable office, and even if you were, you’d be mercilessly ribbed by colleagues. You can also get your hands on a trendy beanie hat, which no doubt will be modelled by Michael Wilde at some stage if it hasn’t happened already.
'Buy a Player as a Gift' is another initiative being promoted by the club, although a club spokesman was quick to dismiss fears that Joe Ormrod could spring out of a box in your living room on Christmas Day, confirming that it is indeed just a sponsorship opportunity
Thursday, 1 December 2011
Elves in Santa's Worksop
Neil Young faces revolt this weekend, as several players have indicated their intention to swerve Saturday's match in favour of going Christmas shopping.
Chester play host to Worksop in two days time, but with many players working through the week, Saturdays represent their only real chance to buy gifts.
"I've just had a kid, so I've gotta do that thing that parents do where they shower their new-born child with presents, even though they're too young to grasp the idea of gift-giving," explained Popular Michael Wilde.
"I'll try and get it done real quick so I can play the second half."
Meanwhile, right back Liam Brownhill is anxious of leaving his shopping too late;
"Last year I played for Droylesden every Saturday in the lead up to Christmas and couldn't do any shopping. Suddenly, it's Christmas Eve and I find myself getting the missus a model of the Fat Controller from that weird toy section they have in petrol stations. I got away with it, cos we've always had a laugh about the fact that the Fat Controller is called Sir Topham Hat these days, 'cos of political correctness, but it was a close call."
Whilst sympathetic, Neil Young has insisted he expects all players to be available for selection come Saturday.
"We've all got shopping to do. We've even got a Secret Santa at the club. I got Jeff Banks. Dunno what I can get him for a fiver. Maybe another one of those suits he wears?
"The fact remains that we are a football team, and anyone who calls me to tell me they're picking up their Christmas Tree and can't make the match is going to get locked in a Merseyrail Bullet Tram overnight."
Chester play host to Worksop in two days time, but with many players working through the week, Saturdays represent their only real chance to buy gifts.
"I've just had a kid, so I've gotta do that thing that parents do where they shower their new-born child with presents, even though they're too young to grasp the idea of gift-giving," explained Popular Michael Wilde.
"I'll try and get it done real quick so I can play the second half."
Meanwhile, right back Liam Brownhill is anxious of leaving his shopping too late;
"Last year I played for Droylesden every Saturday in the lead up to Christmas and couldn't do any shopping. Suddenly, it's Christmas Eve and I find myself getting the missus a model of the Fat Controller from that weird toy section they have in petrol stations. I got away with it, cos we've always had a laugh about the fact that the Fat Controller is called Sir Topham Hat these days, 'cos of political correctness, but it was a close call."
Whilst sympathetic, Neil Young has insisted he expects all players to be available for selection come Saturday.
"We've all got shopping to do. We've even got a Secret Santa at the club. I got Jeff Banks. Dunno what I can get him for a fiver. Maybe another one of those suits he wears?
"The fact remains that we are a football team, and anyone who calls me to tell me they're picking up their Christmas Tree and can't make the match is going to get locked in a Merseyrail Bullet Tram overnight."
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