Getting into the Boxing Day clash between Chester and Northwich at Victoria Stadium looks certain to be an utter fiasco thanks to a hastily arranged posturing contest between board members.
CFC refused to sell tickets for the clash to their fans after Northwich rejected their request for 6% commission.
"It's disgusting that Northwich expect our staff to work for them for free," mused Chester's volunteer co-ordinator Carol Bennett.
Meanwhile, CFU rent-a-quote River Banks was in less-than-high spirits.
"There's no backing down on this one," growled Banks
"No-one will treat our club like this. We deserve respect these days. In the past, it was all about money, but now it's about fans and the community. That's why, unless we get our 6%, we'll make it as awkward as possible for our own fans to attend."
Banks was later admitted to The Countess of Chester, requiring a nose-reattachment following a heated argument with his own face.
Meanwhile, Northwich Victoria's board stated their refusal of Chester's request of 6% was based on the fact that this rate of commission is "as far as we are aware unprecedented at this level."
This sounds a convincing statement, until you realise that "The Encyclopaedia of things which the Northwich Vics Board are unaware of" spans 63 volumes and when we tried to download the PDF version, the file was so large it broke our nineties laptop.
The not-at-all stupid compromise that Northwich, hilariously docked three points in the week for signing Tom Field, have come up with is that Chester fans can now buy tickets on the day, then trot over to the turnstile, making the whole process twice as long as it needs to be and rather destroying the point of making it all-ticket to begin with.
With this in mind, kick off is expected to be delayed until New Year's Eve, and a potentially great day out for all concerned will now probably end up being a greater logistical nightmare than making Christmas Dinner the day before.
100% made up nonsense
2% more reliable a news source than Deva Chat
Wednesday, 14 December 2011
Tuesday, 13 December 2011
Fans unwittingly "exiled"
After resolutions passed overwhelmingly by both the Chester FC Exiles and The City Fans United, the Exiles are now fully part of The CFU. This means that all members of The City Fans United who live away from the immediate Chester area are automatically also members of the Exiles, leading to irritation from certain sections of support.
"I only want to be a member of The CFU," grumbled Essex-based Teddy Whippersnapper.
"I don't play darts, so I'm not sure what benefit there is to me in being a member of the Exiles. What other clubs am I being signed up to against my will? If I find myself in the gardening club, The WA, the Conservative Party or that club for people who like a lot of chocolate on their biscuit, I am going to be an angry young man."
The Chester FC Exiles is a group of fans who didn't care enough about their club to stay in the area, then gave themselves a name like they're Syrian dissidents or something. Their main roles include harbouring a sense of entitlement that allows them to declare Ebbsfleet away in the FA Trophy as a 'great draw' whilst bemoaning the difficulties of getting a ticket for a Boxing Day game in the hyper-regional seventh tier of English football.
"Our main vision is for Chester to play their home games in London," admitted Exiles spokesperson Barry George.
"It should be as easy for us in the South to follow our local football club as it is for those who are local to the football club."
As part of its responsibility to the community, The Jestrian recently approached the government, lobbying them to allow Chester's non-Cheshire based fans back into the city, but it was discovered that they've actually chosen to live elsewhere, and there's nothing stopping them from returning.
"I only want to be a member of The CFU," grumbled Essex-based Teddy Whippersnapper.
"I don't play darts, so I'm not sure what benefit there is to me in being a member of the Exiles. What other clubs am I being signed up to against my will? If I find myself in the gardening club, The WA, the Conservative Party or that club for people who like a lot of chocolate on their biscuit, I am going to be an angry young man."
The Chester FC Exiles is a group of fans who didn't care enough about their club to stay in the area, then gave themselves a name like they're Syrian dissidents or something. Their main roles include harbouring a sense of entitlement that allows them to declare Ebbsfleet away in the FA Trophy as a 'great draw' whilst bemoaning the difficulties of getting a ticket for a Boxing Day game in the hyper-regional seventh tier of English football.
"Our main vision is for Chester to play their home games in London," admitted Exiles spokesperson Barry George.
"It should be as easy for us in the South to follow our local football club as it is for those who are local to the football club."
As part of its responsibility to the community, The Jestrian recently approached the government, lobbying them to allow Chester's non-Cheshire based fans back into the city, but it was discovered that they've actually chosen to live elsewhere, and there's nothing stopping them from returning.
Monday, 12 December 2011
North Ferriby United vs Chester FC - Bitter-Sweet Report
Chester's FA Trophy dreams were cruelly shattered on Saturday as their 5-1 thumping of North Ferriby United wasn't enough to ensure Wrexham's safe passage to Round Two. Despite moving within a few minutes of a Wembley final and pocketing thousands of Euros in prize money, the competition is now as irrelevant as the Evo-Bond Prime Minister's Shield to Blues fans who crossed their fingers for a distinctly losable tie when the draw for the last 32 was made today.
Eventually, Chester drew a grim away tie at that weird Gravesend/Ebbsfleet side they have in the south.
"I hope we play the kids that I'm so excited about us bringing through - and then I hope they get roundly beaten. We need to concentrate on the league now, no silly distractions like a big piece of silverware," said East Stand die-hard Mick McMock.
Club officials had hoped that the very outside chance of drawing the Blue Square Premier pace-setters in the next round would provide a welcome distraction from the controversy over Boxing Day's trip to Northwich Victoria, but quote-happy media king Jaffa Cakes confirmed that Wrexham's unceremonious dumping from a competition that could have aided their financial woes is as big a blow to the Blues as it is to their hilarious neighbours.
"We know the fans were desperate for an all-ticket trip down the A483 at the crack of dawn on a Sunday morning to find the pubs closed and riot police herding them around the streets like cattle before a damp squib of a defeat. Now all we're left with is an all-ticket trip down the A54 at a sociable hour on a Bank Holiday for a pulsating top of the table clash. Everyone's gutted. Gutted."
Blues boss Neil Young was more upbeat, admitting after the match that the opportunity to get knocked out without anyone caring was a welcome relief as he "gets a bit nauseous" when venturing out of Radio Merseyside's broadcast radius;
"Just between me and you, I was dreading the idea that we might actually end up getting to Wembley. It would've been on TV and everything - I'm just not comfortable with that level of exposure. Next thing you know, I'm a style icon and everyone's wearing puffer jackets like it's the 90's again. No thanks."
The game at Grange Lane was a straightforward win for Young's men, Michael Wilde and Matty McNeil netting before half time, allowing attentions to be turned to events elsewhere, in much the same way as at Garforth last season. Chester scored a further three in the second half but were visibly deflated by the news filtering through from North Wales that Comical Wrexham were being beaten like they stole something.
Details of Chester's goals are somewhat sketchy since Chronicle word-smith The Tall Peacock opted to finish his Christmas shopping instead of making the journey to Humberside, leaving Chester fans pondering the question "If Chester score a goal and The Tall Peacock isn't there to Tweet it, does it actually count?"
Eventually, Chester drew a grim away tie at that weird Gravesend/Ebbsfleet side they have in the south.
"I hope we play the kids that I'm so excited about us bringing through - and then I hope they get roundly beaten. We need to concentrate on the league now, no silly distractions like a big piece of silverware," said East Stand die-hard Mick McMock.
Club officials had hoped that the very outside chance of drawing the Blue Square Premier pace-setters in the next round would provide a welcome distraction from the controversy over Boxing Day's trip to Northwich Victoria, but quote-happy media king Jaffa Cakes confirmed that Wrexham's unceremonious dumping from a competition that could have aided their financial woes is as big a blow to the Blues as it is to their hilarious neighbours.
"We know the fans were desperate for an all-ticket trip down the A483 at the crack of dawn on a Sunday morning to find the pubs closed and riot police herding them around the streets like cattle before a damp squib of a defeat. Now all we're left with is an all-ticket trip down the A54 at a sociable hour on a Bank Holiday for a pulsating top of the table clash. Everyone's gutted. Gutted."
Blues boss Neil Young was more upbeat, admitting after the match that the opportunity to get knocked out without anyone caring was a welcome relief as he "gets a bit nauseous" when venturing out of Radio Merseyside's broadcast radius;
"Just between me and you, I was dreading the idea that we might actually end up getting to Wembley. It would've been on TV and everything - I'm just not comfortable with that level of exposure. Next thing you know, I'm a style icon and everyone's wearing puffer jackets like it's the 90's again. No thanks."
The game at Grange Lane was a straightforward win for Young's men, Michael Wilde and Matty McNeil netting before half time, allowing attentions to be turned to events elsewhere, in much the same way as at Garforth last season. Chester scored a further three in the second half but were visibly deflated by the news filtering through from North Wales that Comical Wrexham were being beaten like they stole something.
Details of Chester's goals are somewhat sketchy since Chronicle word-smith The Tall Peacock opted to finish his Christmas shopping instead of making the journey to Humberside, leaving Chester fans pondering the question "If Chester score a goal and The Tall Peacock isn't there to Tweet it, does it actually count?"
Friday, 9 December 2011
North Ferriby United vs Chester FC - Likely Postponement Preview
 |
| Banned: No more Pop-Up Pirate on the coach, says Neil Young |
Ferriby were dismantled to the tune of six goals at the Exacta Stadium earlier in the season but have improved since then and have proved a tough nut to crack at Grange Lane. The Villagers manager Billy Heath was in an upbeat mood when questioned about how his side will approach the game.
"To be honest, we will try and beat them,” revealed Heath, shockingly.
Neil Young still has skipper George Horan sidelined through suspension and whilst nobody really knows anything about Chris Simm’s injury, Young should have a near full compliment of players to choose from.
“It’s a long trip but the lads are well up for it,” disclosed Young.
"Boredom is an issue on these coach journeys though. Some of the lads play cards, others play games on their phones. I’ve got Chris Pilsbury singing opera on my iPod which should help pass the time, just hope I don’t sing along loudly without realising everyone can hear me.
"Simmo usually does a bit of quilling - he loves it and produces some lovely stuff to be fair. I’ve had to ban Pop-up Pirate though, I’m not having that again. Almost derailed the season last time, that did.”
Stand in skipper Michael Powell added that should the team win, Christmas songs will be played on the journey home.
“Mistletoe and Wine is a classic, and everyone likes The Darkness Christmas song. Gaz Jones is gonna dress up as Santa too, it’s gonna be a right hoot,” shrieked Powell.
“I’m not doing Christmas cards this year, although I am hoping to get a yellow one at the North Ferriby game in order to have Boxing Day off," added the midfielder.
The FA Trophy never fails to send The Devachat into meltdown with the repeated cries for Wrexham away in the next round, which rate as infinitely less tedious than the politcal debates in the Off-Topic Forum, but well below the standard of the recent and surprisingly interesting threads about space travel.
Popular Chronicle journalist The Tall Peacock, who revealed on the latest Seals Podcast that he sounds nothing like he looks, has confirmed he will be missing the game, with colleague, The Hairy Porcupine standing in on Twitter-duty.
"Oh what's even the point then?!" groaned a disappointed Michael Wilde upon discovering any goal he scores will not be covered in slightly more detail by The Peacock, thirty seconds after the official club Twitter feed first breaks news of the goal.
Thursday, 8 December 2011
Sort it out, Young!
Following "Mis-Quoted Attendance-Gate" last Saturday, The City Fans United has launched an investigation into other areas of the club to ensure things are run smoothly, uncovering some alarming results.
The professional manner in which the club is run has won many plaudits this season, but after digging deeper, some cracks have begun to appear.
Due to an administrative error, rather than facing lower league Burscough on January 14th, Neil Young’s men will now take on a Zumba XI at the Exacta Stadium, whilst the entire Burscough squad has been booked in for a free session of the Latin-inspired, weight-loss dancing craze.
“It’s a little unfortunate but we have to treat the opposition with respect,” commented Blues boss Neil Young.
“I’ve had them watched and they’ve got a couple of big girls up front who can trouble defences at this level so I’m expecting a hard fought game. I think my missus is on the bench actually, and she’s got a cracking left foot on her. Bosh!”
And further issues have been unearthed as it emerges that the refreshments stalls are desperately trying to rectify an order in time for the Zumba game.
“We’re not sure if we can change the order with it being so close to Christmas, but we accidentally ticked quiche instead of pies,” growled matchday co-ordinator Barry Hipkiss, pacing round the Exacta pitch last night.
“It raises all sort of logistical problems. How do we serve it? How much do we charge? Oh, and vegetarians confuse me too. Do they like quiche? Does anyone like quiche? I don’t know."
Meanwhile, police were called to the Exacta Stadium last night following reports that the Jestrian had broken into the ground. Cheshire Constabulary found the culprit with his head in a very large barrel, scraping the bottom of it vigorously.
The professional manner in which the club is run has won many plaudits this season, but after digging deeper, some cracks have begun to appear.
Due to an administrative error, rather than facing lower league Burscough on January 14th, Neil Young’s men will now take on a Zumba XI at the Exacta Stadium, whilst the entire Burscough squad has been booked in for a free session of the Latin-inspired, weight-loss dancing craze.
“It’s a little unfortunate but we have to treat the opposition with respect,” commented Blues boss Neil Young.
“I’ve had them watched and they’ve got a couple of big girls up front who can trouble defences at this level so I’m expecting a hard fought game. I think my missus is on the bench actually, and she’s got a cracking left foot on her. Bosh!”
And further issues have been unearthed as it emerges that the refreshments stalls are desperately trying to rectify an order in time for the Zumba game.
“We’re not sure if we can change the order with it being so close to Christmas, but we accidentally ticked quiche instead of pies,” growled matchday co-ordinator Barry Hipkiss, pacing round the Exacta pitch last night.
“It raises all sort of logistical problems. How do we serve it? How much do we charge? Oh, and vegetarians confuse me too. Do they like quiche? Does anyone like quiche? I don’t know."
Meanwhile, police were called to the Exacta Stadium last night following reports that the Jestrian had broken into the ground. Cheshire Constabulary found the culprit with his head in a very large barrel, scraping the bottom of it vigorously.
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