Players and coaching staff alike have moved to praise mascot BiG Lupus for their current defensive form which has seen Chester keep seven clean sheets on the bounce.
The giant wolf, who at best is a loveable children's character and at worst, a walking advertising hoarding, proving that even kid's entertainment must have some sort of capitalist agenda, has reportedly been helping the defenders with some extra coaching as well as giving pep-talks before each match.
"It became clear that Lupus had something to give when he overcame that giant Rice Krispies bar in a penalty shoot-out last season. After the early defensive frailties, we asked for his assistance, and the results have been instant" said manager Neil Young
Michael Taylor has transformed himself from questionable fringe player to formidable lynchpin in the Chester back line, and he was also quick to praise Lupus.
"To be honest, my heading wasn't up to scratch, but Lupus is excellent in the air, by virtue of his massive head. We did a lot of work and a lot of drills, which also helped with my fitness and sharpness. I was reluctant at first when it was mentioned that a giant cuddly wolf was going to be teaching me my trade, but I stayed open to it and I'm so glad I did. I'm on fire now. They all fear Tay Tay" enthused the centre back.
Not everyone was so willing to give the new coach a go, however. Reports suggest that far from leaving Chester FC to pursue another career, Rob Marsh-Evans actually stormed out of a training session screaming "his feet are made of foam!" and refused to return to the club.
Having sorted out the defence, it's now thought that Lupus is to help Jamie Rainford find his elusive second goal for the club. The striker has been getting agonisingly close in recent games, and with a couple of tips from the big wolf, Neil Young hopes that his record signing can be restored to the goal-machine he was at Marine.
"If there's anyone you want the ball falling to in the box, it's BiG Lupus" explained Young
"Over six yards, he'll beat anyone, and his reaction time and finishing skills are second to none. Rainy has been doing some top work with Lupo, and we can expect him to be tucking them away in no time. We'd actually field Lupus as a player if we could, but apparently the league says humans only. Political Correctness gone mad if you ask me."
100% made up nonsense
2% more reliable a news source than Deva Chat
Friday, 30 September 2011
Thursday, 29 September 2011
Chester FC 3-0 Chorley Town FC - Match Report
Chester continued their surge towards the top of the Evo Stick Northern Premier League last night with a comprehensive victory over pretend rivals Chorley Town FC. Following the game, Blues fans were walking away from the Exacta asking questions like "When will Danby next concede?", "Who can stop us in this form?" and "How many fingers does the Chorley goalkeeper really have?"
The first record of the evening was broken by an attendance of 3,310, boosted by a larger than usual away following of around 200. After a questionnaire was distributed to fans prior to the game, it became clear that roughly 1132 fans attended after being promised petty violence but this was prevented by them being stopped and asked to do a questionnaire. This technique is now to be rolled out next time Millwall play West Ham.
Meanwhile, other regulars did that thing where they glare at the newcomers fans and mutter things like "haven't seen them before" , "where were they at Hyde in the Senior Cup?" and "what gives them the RIGHT to turn up at watch MY football team?!" thus enabling themselves to labour under the delusion that they are altogether a better class human being.
Chorley Town fans appeared to get confused about the fixture actually being an away game for them, as they unveiled a chilling 'Welcome to Hell' banner. This slogan was typically spotted in the old Ali Sami Yen stadium which was home to Galatasaray, where baying lunatics used the flag and other tactics such as relentless abuse whilst smashing the very existence out of massive drums in order to petrify opposition players. In that environment it was effective, and Galatasaray would regularly punch above their weight and topple European giants. Needless to say it didn't have the same effect when adopted by a handful of over-excited Chorley Town fans travelling to another stadium in an Evo Stick fixture.
The Cestrians edged the first half but couldn't make their superiority count as the Chorley Town defence held firm, amidst their fans letting off party poppers in further intimidation attempts. However, in the second half, the Blues to pressed home their advantage as a poorly cleared corner fell to Alex Brown who unleashed a thunderbolt volley past the really miserable goalkeeper. "Brown Dog" continued to boss the midfield and such was ease with which he dictated play, he began taunting the Chorley midfield by asking them how much they get paid, how awful their car is and simply placing his thumb on the tip of his nose, shaking his fingers, sticking his tongue out and generally making childish noises.
One soon became two as the genius goalkeeper believed he'd be able to reach an aerial ball before towering monster Matty McNeil. It was a battle he'd never win and McNeil calmly rose and nodded the ball past the stranded 'keeper and into the empty net before he strutting past the Harry McNally Terrace, doing his infamous peacock impression.
The ridicule was completed in the closing moments of the game as Wesley Baynes found himself in space and weaved his way past a couple of despairing lunges before curling a beauty into the right corner. He bounced on his tiptoes pointing to the back of shirt before Matty McGinn quickly informed him that at this level there's no names on the back of your shirt.
After the final whistle, reports surfaced that Gary Flitcroft had walked off without shaking Neil Young's hand in a display of complete petulance and tool-wizardry, underling what a sour, jealous, petty and childish outfit Chorley really are. Young confirmed in the press conference afterwards that if Flitcroft approaches him after the return leg at 'Victory' Park, he will withdraw his hand at the last possible moment and declare the Chorley manager to have succumbed to a school boy error.
Meanwhile, reporters tried to get an opinion from Grenville Millington, as John Danby broke his record for consecutive clean sheets, but the phone was only answered by his agent Riskar off of The Devachat, who informed all callers that Grenville would not be talking to anyone today.
The first record of the evening was broken by an attendance of 3,310, boosted by a larger than usual away following of around 200. After a questionnaire was distributed to fans prior to the game, it became clear that roughly 1132 fans attended after being promised petty violence but this was prevented by them being stopped and asked to do a questionnaire. This technique is now to be rolled out next time Millwall play West Ham.
Meanwhile, other regulars did that thing where they glare at the newcomers fans and mutter things like "haven't seen them before" , "where were they at Hyde in the Senior Cup?" and "what gives them the RIGHT to turn up at watch MY football team?!" thus enabling themselves to labour under the delusion that they are altogether a better class human being.
Chorley Town fans appeared to get confused about the fixture actually being an away game for them, as they unveiled a chilling 'Welcome to Hell' banner. This slogan was typically spotted in the old Ali Sami Yen stadium which was home to Galatasaray, where baying lunatics used the flag and other tactics such as relentless abuse whilst smashing the very existence out of massive drums in order to petrify opposition players. In that environment it was effective, and Galatasaray would regularly punch above their weight and topple European giants. Needless to say it didn't have the same effect when adopted by a handful of over-excited Chorley Town fans travelling to another stadium in an Evo Stick fixture.
The Cestrians edged the first half but couldn't make their superiority count as the Chorley Town defence held firm, amidst their fans letting off party poppers in further intimidation attempts. However, in the second half, the Blues to pressed home their advantage as a poorly cleared corner fell to Alex Brown who unleashed a thunderbolt volley past the really miserable goalkeeper. "Brown Dog" continued to boss the midfield and such was ease with which he dictated play, he began taunting the Chorley midfield by asking them how much they get paid, how awful their car is and simply placing his thumb on the tip of his nose, shaking his fingers, sticking his tongue out and generally making childish noises.
One soon became two as the genius goalkeeper believed he'd be able to reach an aerial ball before towering monster Matty McNeil. It was a battle he'd never win and McNeil calmly rose and nodded the ball past the stranded 'keeper and into the empty net before he strutting past the Harry McNally Terrace, doing his infamous peacock impression.
The ridicule was completed in the closing moments of the game as Wesley Baynes found himself in space and weaved his way past a couple of despairing lunges before curling a beauty into the right corner. He bounced on his tiptoes pointing to the back of shirt before Matty McGinn quickly informed him that at this level there's no names on the back of your shirt.
After the final whistle, reports surfaced that Gary Flitcroft had walked off without shaking Neil Young's hand in a display of complete petulance and tool-wizardry, underling what a sour, jealous, petty and childish outfit Chorley really are. Young confirmed in the press conference afterwards that if Flitcroft approaches him after the return leg at 'Victory' Park, he will withdraw his hand at the last possible moment and declare the Chorley manager to have succumbed to a school boy error.
Meanwhile, reporters tried to get an opinion from Grenville Millington, as John Danby broke his record for consecutive clean sheets, but the phone was only answered by his agent Riskar off of The Devachat, who informed all callers that Grenville would not be talking to anyone today.
Wednesday, 28 September 2011
Chester FC vs Chorley Town FC Match Preview
With the much anticipated grudge clash against Chorley Town Albion Rangers FC fast approaching, Scientists have moved to dispel rumours that Chorley are more hated than traditional enemies Wrexham.
Since the away fixture last season, where a pensioner was struck by an airborne brick, innocent Chester fans were ushered by authorities into mobs of frothing Burberry-clad, pizza-faced youths, and a fence was shaken with frightening rage, many have taken to popular forum The Devachat to suggest that they in fact despise Chorley more than the well endowed floodlight gang up the A483.
Dr Arnold Merrick of Chester University commented, "We'd heard about these allegations and thought it would be worth investigating. We took a random sample of 80s throwbacks from H Block, fresh-faced families from the West Stand, pre-pubescent Haribo lovers from the Harry Mac and Happy Clappers from the Main Stand, conducted a rigorous questionnaire and took blood samples. This was all incorporated into the end equation that took into account the years of hate, the severity of previous incidents, the proximity of the clubs and how relevant they currently are. This led us to the conclusion that the dislike for Chorley is indeed real but is destined to be only short lived, and that the historical rivalry with laughable neighbours Wrexham will always exist. This is due to the fact that whilst it stings to admit it, Wrexham FC is actually a real football club whilst Chorley FC is a joke with a bad punchline."
Fans initially doubted this conclusion, and submitted further evidence to Dr Merrick that they really do hate Chorley by coming up with hilarious nicknames like 'Chorscum' and 'Boreley'. After a period of head-shaking and rolling of the eyes, this evidence was rightly tossed in the bin.
"Of course the main finding is that in a world where things like abject poverty and racism exist, using terms like 'hate' for a sports team from a place where you could have been born if the ambulance had gone a slightly different way is the sign of a complete tool" furthered Merrick.
Meanwhile, Neil Young's squad will be full of confidence going into arguably the season's most important game to date. Young has the magic formula of having a squad rich in goal scoring talent but also a miserly back line. The Chester rearguard have in fact become so stingy that George Horan has removed his childrens' pocket money privileges and Matty McGinn now does his big shop at Lidl. John Danby's laundry bills have also increased as the shot-stopper has become unhealthily obsessed with clean sheets. Indeed the record-breaking keeper was recently found in his home, clutching a recently steam-cleaned duvet, rocking back and forth and muttering "my precious!"
Following reports of over-the-top celebrations against Stafford, Iain Howard is reportedly working on new ways to celebrate his goals. However, in line with recent developments at the club, Howard will be charging a subscription fee for those who wish to see more exuberant celebrations.
Since the away fixture last season, where a pensioner was struck by an airborne brick, innocent Chester fans were ushered by authorities into mobs of frothing Burberry-clad, pizza-faced youths, and a fence was shaken with frightening rage, many have taken to popular forum The Devachat to suggest that they in fact despise Chorley more than the well endowed floodlight gang up the A483.
Dr Arnold Merrick of Chester University commented, "We'd heard about these allegations and thought it would be worth investigating. We took a random sample of 80s throwbacks from H Block, fresh-faced families from the West Stand, pre-pubescent Haribo lovers from the Harry Mac and Happy Clappers from the Main Stand, conducted a rigorous questionnaire and took blood samples. This was all incorporated into the end equation that took into account the years of hate, the severity of previous incidents, the proximity of the clubs and how relevant they currently are. This led us to the conclusion that the dislike for Chorley is indeed real but is destined to be only short lived, and that the historical rivalry with laughable neighbours Wrexham will always exist. This is due to the fact that whilst it stings to admit it, Wrexham FC is actually a real football club whilst Chorley FC is a joke with a bad punchline."
Fans initially doubted this conclusion, and submitted further evidence to Dr Merrick that they really do hate Chorley by coming up with hilarious nicknames like 'Chorscum' and 'Boreley'. After a period of head-shaking and rolling of the eyes, this evidence was rightly tossed in the bin.
"Of course the main finding is that in a world where things like abject poverty and racism exist, using terms like 'hate' for a sports team from a place where you could have been born if the ambulance had gone a slightly different way is the sign of a complete tool" furthered Merrick.
Meanwhile, Neil Young's squad will be full of confidence going into arguably the season's most important game to date. Young has the magic formula of having a squad rich in goal scoring talent but also a miserly back line. The Chester rearguard have in fact become so stingy that George Horan has removed his childrens' pocket money privileges and Matty McGinn now does his big shop at Lidl. John Danby's laundry bills have also increased as the shot-stopper has become unhealthily obsessed with clean sheets. Indeed the record-breaking keeper was recently found in his home, clutching a recently steam-cleaned duvet, rocking back and forth and muttering "my precious!"
Following reports of over-the-top celebrations against Stafford, Iain Howard is reportedly working on new ways to celebrate his goals. However, in line with recent developments at the club, Howard will be charging a subscription fee for those who wish to see more exuberant celebrations.
Tuesday, 27 September 2011
www.animalfarm.com
Chester unveil their new website today, in order to try and move the club back in the direction of being a penny-grabbing, faceless entity.
"We've had enough of being a unique, fan-owned, community club, so we've sold ourselves up the river so that we can have a website that's exactly the same as every other club in the Football League. The big advantage of this is that the corporate bigwigs have insisted that we bring all the multimedia under a "Blues Player" scheme and we's gotta charge for it. There's enough gullible fans who will pay anything on the basis that it's all money to the club and hopefully with the revenue generated from this move, we can buy another striker to leave on the bench" said DJ Jaffy Bracks of The City Fans United.
"Because there's no outlay, and we're relying on volunteers like NATV and Blues Live, we can make as much money as possible, regardless of how much it damages the intentions of those volunteers who were trying to enhance the experience of following Chester for as many of their fellow fans as possible."
"There are some vague league rules about why we have to have highlights on the club website, which have never mattered before and which don't mention anything about charging fans for it, but it's a convenient smokescreen behind which to hide the corporate selling out."
In order to justify the costings, media man Bracks promised that the services would improve across the board.
"Obviously we'll be asking the volunteers to work even harder now that we're capitalising upon their good nature."
Jack Plunkett of Blues Live spoke enthusiastically about the change.
"It's great. I'm really relishing the prospect of commentating to a third of the audience we get now. Having thrown all this time and effort in, I'm excited that we'll now be doing something less popular in order to make other people money. It was my vision all along."
Chief Executive Patrick O'Cluskin further supported the changes.
"What people have to remember, is that some people liked how it used to be and it's important to move back in that direction now. The pleasing thing about this is that not only are we going to make even more money out of the loyal fans, we pretty much definitely won't be recruiting any new ones, which will help us return to being a club with a hardcore of 2000 and take any opportunity to make money off of them. It's the Chester way."
Dead author George Orwell had the final say, commenting that "the creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, but already it was impossible to say which was which."
"We've had enough of being a unique, fan-owned, community club, so we've sold ourselves up the river so that we can have a website that's exactly the same as every other club in the Football League. The big advantage of this is that the corporate bigwigs have insisted that we bring all the multimedia under a "Blues Player" scheme and we's gotta charge for it. There's enough gullible fans who will pay anything on the basis that it's all money to the club and hopefully with the revenue generated from this move, we can buy another striker to leave on the bench" said DJ Jaffy Bracks of The City Fans United.
"Because there's no outlay, and we're relying on volunteers like NATV and Blues Live, we can make as much money as possible, regardless of how much it damages the intentions of those volunteers who were trying to enhance the experience of following Chester for as many of their fellow fans as possible."
"There are some vague league rules about why we have to have highlights on the club website, which have never mattered before and which don't mention anything about charging fans for it, but it's a convenient smokescreen behind which to hide the corporate selling out."
In order to justify the costings, media man Bracks promised that the services would improve across the board.
"Obviously we'll be asking the volunteers to work even harder now that we're capitalising upon their good nature."
Jack Plunkett of Blues Live spoke enthusiastically about the change.
"It's great. I'm really relishing the prospect of commentating to a third of the audience we get now. Having thrown all this time and effort in, I'm excited that we'll now be doing something less popular in order to make other people money. It was my vision all along."
Chief Executive Patrick O'Cluskin further supported the changes.
"What people have to remember, is that some people liked how it used to be and it's important to move back in that direction now. The pleasing thing about this is that not only are we going to make even more money out of the loyal fans, we pretty much definitely won't be recruiting any new ones, which will help us return to being a club with a hardcore of 2000 and take any opportunity to make money off of them. It's the Chester way."
Dead author George Orwell had the final say, commenting that "the creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, but already it was impossible to say which was which."
Monday, 26 September 2011
Stafford Rangers 0-3 Chester FC - Match Report
Chester cruised to a comfortable 3-0 victory away to Stafford on Saturday, thanks to a goal from the gunned-up plasterer Iain Howard and a brace from Quiff-Master General Michael Powell.
Powell's double mean that he is now Chester's joint top scorer this season and holds the title outright if you discount players who have benefited from being allowed to take an unrealistic amount of penalties.
Howard got the scoring underway from six yards following a Matty McGinn Megachuck TM. He celebrated by racing back down the tunnel, tearing his shirt off and flexing his biceps in front of a mirror whilst roaring. Chris Simm filmed the whole thing on his smart phone and when both players emerged a minute or two later, Simm did a quick lap of the terraces, showing the fans the video so that they could join in the celebrations.
The referee inexplicably kept his cards in his pockets and waved away Stafford's protests, saying "it's just high jinks" and "that video is totes funny though, right?"
Michael Powell slotted home Chester's second moments later from Chris Simm's pass. He neglected to emulate Iain Howard's celebration, as his pythons aren't as impressive and instead Howard tried to repeat the celebration himself, but was stopped by a emergency bouncer put in place by Stafford who also confiscated Chris Simm's phone and a packet of Quavers from a pleading Robbie Booth.
Stafford had a man sent off just before the break, meaning that the second half was a comfortable affair for Chester. Michael Wilde made his first league appearance of the season, causing at least three fans to faint whilst a bald man was seen being led out of the ground after a suspected self-wetting.
Powell was able to double his tally and take Chester to 3-0 with a quiffity quality finish to a nice move with about ten minutes on the clock.
Powell expressed his delight at his and the team's performance;
"It's great that the team has won again and another clean sheet, but importantly for me, I've been able to prove that actually I don't need to be Bradley Barnes to be a good player. Of course, most people with an ounce of footballing knowledge have known this for a long time but it's still nice."
Manager Neil Young summarised the midfielder's form;
"I said a fully fit Alex Brown could be scary, but Powelly is the real hair-raiser. He starts in the morning with his own hair, raises that to a ninety degree angle, then sets about everyone else. I'm hoping we can assemble the most frightening team in the league. I've asked Robbie Booth to be a bit more ghostly, and George Horan is working on an eerie song to sing to strikers."
Powell's double mean that he is now Chester's joint top scorer this season and holds the title outright if you discount players who have benefited from being allowed to take an unrealistic amount of penalties.
Howard got the scoring underway from six yards following a Matty McGinn Megachuck TM. He celebrated by racing back down the tunnel, tearing his shirt off and flexing his biceps in front of a mirror whilst roaring. Chris Simm filmed the whole thing on his smart phone and when both players emerged a minute or two later, Simm did a quick lap of the terraces, showing the fans the video so that they could join in the celebrations.
The referee inexplicably kept his cards in his pockets and waved away Stafford's protests, saying "it's just high jinks" and "that video is totes funny though, right?"
Michael Powell slotted home Chester's second moments later from Chris Simm's pass. He neglected to emulate Iain Howard's celebration, as his pythons aren't as impressive and instead Howard tried to repeat the celebration himself, but was stopped by a emergency bouncer put in place by Stafford who also confiscated Chris Simm's phone and a packet of Quavers from a pleading Robbie Booth.
Stafford had a man sent off just before the break, meaning that the second half was a comfortable affair for Chester. Michael Wilde made his first league appearance of the season, causing at least three fans to faint whilst a bald man was seen being led out of the ground after a suspected self-wetting.
Powell was able to double his tally and take Chester to 3-0 with a quiffity quality finish to a nice move with about ten minutes on the clock.
Powell expressed his delight at his and the team's performance;
"It's great that the team has won again and another clean sheet, but importantly for me, I've been able to prove that actually I don't need to be Bradley Barnes to be a good player. Of course, most people with an ounce of footballing knowledge have known this for a long time but it's still nice."
Manager Neil Young summarised the midfielder's form;
"I said a fully fit Alex Brown could be scary, but Powelly is the real hair-raiser. He starts in the morning with his own hair, raises that to a ninety degree angle, then sets about everyone else. I'm hoping we can assemble the most frightening team in the league. I've asked Robbie Booth to be a bit more ghostly, and George Horan is working on an eerie song to sing to strikers."
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