Chester FC 3-0 Chorley Town FC - Match Report

Chester continued their surge towards the top of the Evo Stick Northern Premier League last night with a comprehensive victory over pretend rivals Chorley Town FC. Following the game, Blues fans were walking away from the Exacta asking questions like "When will Danby next concede?",  "Who can stop us in this form?" and "How many fingers does the Chorley goalkeeper really have?"

The first record of the evening was broken by an attendance of 3,310, boosted by a larger than usual away following of around 200.   After a questionnaire was distributed to fans prior to the game, it became clear that roughly 1132 fans attended after being promised petty violence but this was prevented by them being stopped and asked to do a questionnaire.  This technique is now to be rolled out next time Millwall play West Ham.

Meanwhile, other regulars did that thing where they glare at the newcomers fans and mutter things like "haven't seen them before" , "where were they at Hyde in the Senior Cup?" and "what gives them the RIGHT to turn up at watch MY football team?!" thus enabling themselves to labour under the delusion that they are altogether a better class human being.

Chorley Town fans appeared to get confused about the fixture actually being an away game for them, as they unveiled a chilling 'Welcome to Hell' banner. This slogan was typically spotted in the old Ali Sami Yen stadium which was home to Galatasaray, where baying lunatics used the flag and other tactics such as relentless abuse whilst smashing the very existence out of massive drums in order to petrify opposition players. In that environment it was effective, and Galatasaray would regularly punch above their weight and topple European giants.  Needless to say it didn't have the same effect when adopted by a handful of over-excited Chorley Town fans travelling to another stadium in an Evo Stick fixture.

The Cestrians edged the first half but couldn't make their superiority count as the Chorley Town defence held firm, amidst their fans letting off party poppers in further intimidation attempts. However, in the second half, the Blues to pressed home their advantage as a poorly cleared corner fell to Alex Brown who unleashed a thunderbolt volley past the really miserable goalkeeper. "Brown Dog" continued to boss the midfield and such was ease with which he dictated play, he began taunting the Chorley midfield by asking them how much they get paid, how awful their car is and simply placing his thumb on the tip of his nose, shaking his fingers, sticking his tongue out and generally making childish noises.

One soon became two as the genius goalkeeper believed he'd be able to reach an aerial ball before towering monster Matty McNeil. It was a battle he'd never win and McNeil calmly rose and nodded the ball past the stranded 'keeper and into the empty net before he strutting past the Harry McNally Terrace, doing his infamous peacock impression.

The ridicule was completed in the closing moments of the game as Wesley Baynes found himself in space and weaved his way past a couple of despairing lunges before curling a beauty into the right corner. He bounced on his tiptoes pointing to the back of shirt before Matty McGinn quickly informed him that at this level there's no names on the back of your shirt.

After the final whistle, reports surfaced that Gary Flitcroft had walked off without shaking Neil Young's hand in a display of complete petulance and tool-wizardry, underling what a sour, jealous, petty and childish outfit Chorley really are. Young confirmed in the press conference afterwards that if Flitcroft approaches him after the return leg at 'Victory' Park, he will withdraw his hand at the last possible moment and declare the Chorley manager to have succumbed to a school boy error.

Meanwhile, reporters tried to get an opinion from Grenville Millington, as John Danby broke his record for consecutive clean sheets, but the phone was only answered by his agent Riskar off of The Devachat, who informed all callers that Grenville would not be talking to anyone today.