Stafford Rangers 0-3 Chester FC - Match Report

Chester cruised to a comfortable 3-0 victory away to Stafford on Saturday, thanks to a goal from the gunned-up plasterer Iain Howard and a brace from Quiff-Master General Michael Powell.

Powell's double mean that he is now Chester's joint top scorer this season and holds the title outright if you discount players who have benefited from being allowed to take an unrealistic amount of penalties.

Howard got the scoring underway from six yards following a Matty McGinn Megachuck TM.  He celebrated by racing back down the tunnel, tearing his shirt off and flexing his biceps in front of a mirror whilst roaring.  Chris Simm filmed the whole thing on his smart phone and when both players emerged a minute or two later, Simm did a quick lap of the terraces, showing the fans the video so that they could join in the celebrations.

The referee inexplicably kept his cards in his pockets and waved away Stafford's protests, saying "it's just high jinks" and "that video is totes funny though, right?"

Michael Powell slotted home Chester's second moments later from Chris Simm's pass.  He neglected to emulate Iain Howard's celebration, as his pythons aren't as impressive and instead Howard tried to repeat the celebration himself, but was stopped by a emergency bouncer put in place by Stafford who also confiscated Chris Simm's phone and a packet of Quavers from a pleading Robbie Booth.

Stafford had a man sent off just before the break, meaning that the second half was a comfortable affair for Chester.  Michael Wilde made his first league appearance of the season, causing at least three fans to faint whilst a bald man was seen being led out of the ground after a suspected self-wetting.

Powell was able to double his tally and take Chester to 3-0 with a quiffity quality finish to a nice move with about ten minutes on the clock.

Powell expressed his delight at his and the team's performance;

"It's great that the team has won again and another clean sheet, but importantly for me, I've been able to prove that actually I don't need to be Bradley Barnes to be a good player.  Of course, most people with an ounce of footballing knowledge have known this for a long time but it's still nice."

Manager Neil Young summarised the midfielder's form;

"I said a fully fit Alex Brown could be scary, but Powelly is the real hair-raiser.  He starts in the morning with his own hair, raises that to a ninety degree angle, then sets about everyone else.  I'm hoping we can assemble the most frightening team in the league.  I've asked Robbie Booth to be a bit more ghostly, and George Horan is working on an eerie song to sing to strikers."