Young hits the deadlines

Neil Young has returned to normality today, after spending an excitable 24 hours glued to Sky Sports News absorbing reports surrounding transfer deadline day.

"It's well documented that I love transfers," said Young from the comfort of his armchair, having invited the Jestrian and some other guys round for a "couple of tinnies".

"I love signing players on the spur of the moment, and that's what deadline day is all about.  Imagine if I had to deal with a transfer deadline!  It'd be carnage.  I've made some good ones, even without the restriction of a deadline.  St Juste, Lennie, Mackreth... People think that Pat Nevin and Perry Groves are still in the squad because Famous Colin Murray paid up, but that deal finished at the end of last season.  I signed the pair of 'em at the start of this season.  That rush of ink on paper.  LOVE IT!"

The next few minutes involved manic laughter from the Blues Supremo before a confused silence fell in the room as it was reported that Tottenham Hotspur had signed Louis Saha.

"Taking it a bit far, that," said a deflated Young, with the air of a performer who has just had their act ruined by someone doing an over-the-top imitation of it.

Asked about transfers of his own, Young confessed that he has some players 'in mind'.  This is Young's standard answer to transfer questions, and no-one quite knows whether it means that he has a deal on the table for a player or that he has merely identified some players that he would like to approach.

It could even mean that he is replaying David Beckham's free-kick against Greece in his head, or day-dreaming about having hair like Carlos Valderrama.  However, the complete non-sequitur of a response is at least enough for Chronical fame-dog The Tall Peacock to stretch into one of those articles which doesn't leave you knowing anything more than when you started.

"We've had some crackers this season," raved The Peacock, sat in Young's antique rocking chair.

"We had Youngy saying that he wanted the strikers to score goals, George Horan telling us that the players weren't panicking, Jamie Rainford informed me that he wanted to 'do well' at Chester and there was that one where John Danby had just discovered that the Pope subscribes to Catholicism.  When I produce an exclusive like that one, the ladies sometimes tear themselves away from office stud Sharks Prowling for a bit and talk to me.  I'm excited today, as I've had a tip-off from Matty McGinn about the geographical preference of bears in need of the toilet."

As Ravel Morrison signing for West Ham continued to be one of the biggest stories of the day, everyone realised that nothing remotely interesting was going to happen this year.  One by one, Young's guests departed, despite their host remaining leant forward in his chair, begging the TV to bring forth news of Liverpool having spent a snot-load of cash on English players who don't even play for their country for the fourth time in the last 12 months.

Early reports indicate that Young was found asleep in the lounge by Mrs Young this morning, lying on his face, having fallen out of his chair, with Leader journalist Tennis Ball having also stuck around all night.

"I didn't want to set off the intruder alarm," explained Ball.