As the frost continues to wreak havoc on the footballing fixture list, Blues officials have moved quick to alleviate the boredom that has set in since the postponed Chorley game.
In order to provide the Exacta faithful with a weekly fix whatever the weather, the club have launched new podcast, named ‘Chester Tonight’.
“It’s definitely different from the Dee 106.3 football show and the Seals Podcast,” revealed suit-toting media personality Armitage Shanks.
“We decided that those shows with their comprehensive interviews and coverage just aren’t enough, and Chester Tonight even lets you pick your own music. You know, like a less user-friendly Spotify.”
The show will air on Thursday and is available exclusively to Blue$ Player subscribers. Ironically, the first episode features NATV mastermind Dave Beech, who used to provide his services for free from the goodness of his own heart, and some bloke called Jeremy Jones, who has never been mentioned before but is something to do with Blues Live, apparently.
Also on the bill is The Tall Peacock, an unusually popular local journalist propelled to celebrity status by The Jestrian.
"Obviously if it was on TV, we'd have gone for the Chronicle's Sharks Prowling, so as to attract female viewers," said Shanks. "But as it's not, we've gone for the Peacock instead, as he has more Twitter followers."
Whilst news of the show has excited some fans, CFU member Regi Groaner was less than impressed.
“I’ll probably save the subscription fee, download an album off iTunes that I can keep and play whenever I want, and listen to Youngy and co saying similar things on the free outlets”.
Since the blank weekend, many club figures arre struggling to find things to occupy their time.
“I’ve backed up my pc and ironed my boxers and socks – what next?!” yelped Christian Smith.
Blues Supremo Neil Young has also complained that he is short of things to do.
“We’ve gone through our Sky+ and watched the Mike Bassett Football Manager boxset,” confirmed Young. "I turned the TV on last night frantically searching for something to occupy my time, but only came across Gary Neville trying to work a gigantic iPad so I took the dog out for another walk.”
"I'm exhausted," complained Young's pet husky. "I can't keep going for walks just cos the gaffer is bored. They better have those pitch covers on for Saturday, or I'm gonna bite the stuffing out of Neil's favourite puffer jacket."
The office staff have now run out of tasks and are frantically searching for ways to make the working day go quicker. Barry Hipkiss has confirmed that he spent most of Monday morning ringing future match ball sponsors checking that they were “still cool” with the package they’ve taken out.
“If anyone fancies a pint, give me a bell. But not after eight, yeah?” suggested the Coach Commander.
100% made up nonsense
2% more reliable a news source than Deva Chat
Tuesday, 7 February 2012
Monday, 6 February 2012
Injury woes for Neil Young
Neil Young has an injury crisis ahead of Saturday's game against Stafford, as several of his players hurt themselves copying the American Football they watched on TV last night.
A tournament called the Superb Owl was played out between two teams, one of whom won. Unfortunately, no-one at the Jestrian cares enough to find out anything more than that about what happened, as watching adverts, briefly interrupted by rugby with forward passes, until 4am is not a good use of anyone's time.
Nevertheless, a number of CFC players ended up watching the bizarrely popular spectacle as they were all round CFC Publicity-Gatherer and airplane-botherer Jaffa Cakes's house watching Bomber Boys, and didn't turn the TV off before the Superb Owl came on.
"Once a programme has started, I've gotta see it through to the end," said Chris Simm. "So I made the boys watch it with me."
Only Joe Ormrod from the first team squad left Cakes' Ivory Tower before the "game" started, as it was his bedtime, and his dad came to pick him up.
Meanwhile, the rest of the Blues sat trying to figure out why anyone would enjoy this most stodge-ridden of sports. However, as one player (don't know any names, sorry) got heftily wiped out, (we're assuming this probably happened at one point?) John Danby suggested that "maybe it's the violence that makes it fun."
Studies at the Royal Institute of Feeding the Daily Mail have shown that people are entirely influenced by what they see on TV, so what happened next was inevitable. Putting on an old cricket helmet found in his spare room and stuffing a cushion underneath his suit, Cakes invited the Chester players to smash the living shades out of him, NFL-style.
Michael Wilde and Antoni Sarcevic were first to take up this offer, and knocked Cakes clean out. After shifting the unconscious Media Magnet into the kitchen so that he could 'sleep it off', the rest of the players took turns in the makeshift armour. Liam Brownhill was rendered unavailable for the weekend's match, as Wes Baynes slammed him into a wall.
"He jibbed me at Trivial Pursuit in the week," said an unrepentant Baynes, alluding to the pair's ongoing board game feud.
Meanwhile, Michael Powell suffered a gashed head, as he was unable to fit the helmet over his impressive quiff and Matty McNeil suffered a hip injury, because he's old.
Upon hearing of the evening's goings on and his unexpected sick list, Neil Young rolled out his current buzzword, commenting that that the boys had been "sloppy."
"Not playing American Football in someone's living room is something that we'll have to work on. It's my job as manager to make sure they stop doing it, but the lads will also have to take some responsibility."
A tournament called the Superb Owl was played out between two teams, one of whom won. Unfortunately, no-one at the Jestrian cares enough to find out anything more than that about what happened, as watching adverts, briefly interrupted by rugby with forward passes, until 4am is not a good use of anyone's time.
Nevertheless, a number of CFC players ended up watching the bizarrely popular spectacle as they were all round CFC Publicity-Gatherer and airplane-botherer Jaffa Cakes's house watching Bomber Boys, and didn't turn the TV off before the Superb Owl came on.
"Once a programme has started, I've gotta see it through to the end," said Chris Simm. "So I made the boys watch it with me."
Only Joe Ormrod from the first team squad left Cakes' Ivory Tower before the "game" started, as it was his bedtime, and his dad came to pick him up.
Meanwhile, the rest of the Blues sat trying to figure out why anyone would enjoy this most stodge-ridden of sports. However, as one player (don't know any names, sorry) got heftily wiped out, (we're assuming this probably happened at one point?) John Danby suggested that "maybe it's the violence that makes it fun."
Studies at the Royal Institute of Feeding the Daily Mail have shown that people are entirely influenced by what they see on TV, so what happened next was inevitable. Putting on an old cricket helmet found in his spare room and stuffing a cushion underneath his suit, Cakes invited the Chester players to smash the living shades out of him, NFL-style.
Michael Wilde and Antoni Sarcevic were first to take up this offer, and knocked Cakes clean out. After shifting the unconscious Media Magnet into the kitchen so that he could 'sleep it off', the rest of the players took turns in the makeshift armour. Liam Brownhill was rendered unavailable for the weekend's match, as Wes Baynes slammed him into a wall.
"He jibbed me at Trivial Pursuit in the week," said an unrepentant Baynes, alluding to the pair's ongoing board game feud.
Meanwhile, Michael Powell suffered a gashed head, as he was unable to fit the helmet over his impressive quiff and Matty McNeil suffered a hip injury, because he's old.
Upon hearing of the evening's goings on and his unexpected sick list, Neil Young rolled out his current buzzword, commenting that that the boys had been "sloppy."
"Not playing American Football in someone's living room is something that we'll have to work on. It's my job as manager to make sure they stop doing it, but the lads will also have to take some responsibility."
Friday, 3 February 2012
Chorley Town FC vs Chester FC - Match Preview
It's definitely not going to happen, is it? It's ridiculously freezing and Rugby League Loving Chester CEO The Pet Husky wants to keep up with the first weekend of the Super League season anyway, so it's just best all round if we say no game this week, thanks.
Neil Young doesn't have a puffer jacket big enough to thwart this kind of cold, and has announced that he "really can't be doing with a game this weekend."
"I'd have to wear a hat to keep my head warm, and I look silly in hats," said the Blues Boss.
"We could all do a Gaz Powell and pull our socks up so they look like leggins, but even then, it's baltic."
Meanwhile, Chronicle journalist The Tall Peacock is worried that he won't be able to do his fabled live tweets from Victory Park.
"You ever tried texting with cold hands?!" asked The Peacock, before cutting off the replies of those who hadn't clocked that the question was rhetorical.
"It's ridiculous, your fingers are all over the place - it's like trying to text with someone else's hands. I know, because we tried that in the office once. The Hairy Porcupine tried to let his missus know he'd be late home, but he used Shark Prowling's hands to do it. It ended up saying 'going to be latte'. She was distraught, as she thought he meant he'd turned himself into a milky coffee. Not sure how she figured that was even possible to be honest, but it caused a right kerfuffle."
Meanwhile, The Jestrian has decided to save whatever jokes it had about Chorley until such time as a football match is realistic.
Neil Young doesn't have a puffer jacket big enough to thwart this kind of cold, and has announced that he "really can't be doing with a game this weekend."
"I'd have to wear a hat to keep my head warm, and I look silly in hats," said the Blues Boss.
"We could all do a Gaz Powell and pull our socks up so they look like leggins, but even then, it's baltic."
Meanwhile, Chronicle journalist The Tall Peacock is worried that he won't be able to do his fabled live tweets from Victory Park.
"You ever tried texting with cold hands?!" asked The Peacock, before cutting off the replies of those who hadn't clocked that the question was rhetorical.
"It's ridiculous, your fingers are all over the place - it's like trying to text with someone else's hands. I know, because we tried that in the office once. The Hairy Porcupine tried to let his missus know he'd be late home, but he used Shark Prowling's hands to do it. It ended up saying 'going to be latte'. She was distraught, as she thought he meant he'd turned himself into a milky coffee. Not sure how she figured that was even possible to be honest, but it caused a right kerfuffle."
Meanwhile, The Jestrian has decided to save whatever jokes it had about Chorley until such time as a football match is realistic.
Thursday, 2 February 2012
Don't let me know what you fine doubt
Following the recent discovery that Christian Smith operates on the policy “if in doubt, mess about”, The Jestrian has investigated and collated a list of variations on this theme, used by important figures at Chester FC and beyond.
"If in doubt, kick it out. Even if 'it' is an opposition player."
Michael Powell
"If in doubt, it's probably best to sign out of Twitter."
Jamie Rainford
"If in doubt, sign another winger."
Neil Young
"If in doubt, do more research."
Chas Summer
"If in doubt, suit up."
Jeff Banks
"If you are in any doubt, you must find the defendant not guilty."
A Judge (accidentally interviewed instead of Adam Judge)
"If in No Doubt, leave and pursue a solo career."
Global Superstar Gwen Stefani
"If it doubt - WRESTLE!"
George Horan
"If in doubt, give it as a penner, ref."
Matty McGinn
"What?"
Welshman, Ifan Dwt
"If in doubt, find a tout."
Bad advice for fans struggling to get tickets for the Chorley game
"If it doubt, use some grout."
Plasterer Iain Howard
"If in doubt, they're probably out. Knock on the door, wait for three seconds, then take the parcel back to the sorting office and make them venture out for it themselves."
Matty McNeil explains the policy of the Royal Mail
"If in doubt, come up with a ridiculous idea for an article, involving several tenuous quotes about doubt."
The Jestrian
"If in doubt, kick it out. Even if 'it' is an opposition player."
Michael Powell
"If in doubt, it's probably best to sign out of Twitter."
Jamie Rainford
"If in doubt, sign another winger."
Neil Young
"If in doubt, do more research."
Chas Summer
"If in doubt, suit up."
Jeff Banks
"If you are in any doubt, you must find the defendant not guilty."
A Judge (accidentally interviewed instead of Adam Judge)
"If in No Doubt, leave and pursue a solo career."
Global Superstar Gwen Stefani
"If it doubt - WRESTLE!"
George Horan
"If in doubt, give it as a penner, ref."
Matty McGinn
"What?"
Welshman, Ifan Dwt
"If in doubt, find a tout."
Bad advice for fans struggling to get tickets for the Chorley game
"If it doubt, use some grout."
Plasterer Iain Howard
"If in doubt, they're probably out. Knock on the door, wait for three seconds, then take the parcel back to the sorting office and make them venture out for it themselves."
Matty McNeil explains the policy of the Royal Mail
"If in doubt, come up with a ridiculous idea for an article, involving several tenuous quotes about doubt."
The Jestrian
Wednesday, 1 February 2012
Young hits the deadlines
Neil Young has returned to normality today, after spending an excitable 24 hours glued to Sky Sports News absorbing reports surrounding transfer deadline day.
"It's well documented that I love transfers," said Young from the comfort of his armchair, having invited the Jestrian and some other guys round for a "couple of tinnies".
"I love signing players on the spur of the moment, and that's what deadline day is all about. Imagine if I had to deal with a transfer deadline! It'd be carnage. I've made some good ones, even without the restriction of a deadline. St Juste, Lennie, Mackreth... People think that Pat Nevin and Perry Groves are still in the squad because Famous Colin Murray paid up, but that deal finished at the end of last season. I signed the pair of 'em at the start of this season. That rush of ink on paper. LOVE IT!"
The next few minutes involved manic laughter from the Blues Supremo before a confused silence fell in the room as it was reported that Tottenham Hotspur had signed Louis Saha.
"Taking it a bit far, that," said a deflated Young, with the air of a performer who has just had their act ruined by someone doing an over-the-top imitation of it.
Asked about transfers of his own, Young confessed that he has some players 'in mind'. This is Young's standard answer to transfer questions, and no-one quite knows whether it means that he has a deal on the table for a player or that he has merely identified some players that he would like to approach.
It could even mean that he is replaying David Beckham's free-kick against Greece in his head, or day-dreaming about having hair like Carlos Valderrama. However, the complete non-sequitur of a response is at least enough for Chronical fame-dog The Tall Peacock to stretch into one of those articles which doesn't leave you knowing anything more than when you started.
"We've had some crackers this season," raved The Peacock, sat in Young's antique rocking chair.
"We had Youngy saying that he wanted the strikers to score goals, George Horan telling us that the players weren't panicking, Jamie Rainford informed me that he wanted to 'do well' at Chester and there was that one where John Danby had just discovered that the Pope subscribes to Catholicism. When I produce an exclusive like that one, the ladies sometimes tear themselves away from office stud Sharks Prowling for a bit and talk to me. I'm excited today, as I've had a tip-off from Matty McGinn about the geographical preference of bears in need of the toilet."
As Ravel Morrison signing for West Ham continued to be one of the biggest stories of the day, everyone realised that nothing remotely interesting was going to happen this year. One by one, Young's guests departed, despite their host remaining leant forward in his chair, begging the TV to bring forth news of Liverpool having spent a snot-load of cash on English players who don't even play for their country for the fourth time in the last 12 months.
Early reports indicate that Young was found asleep in the lounge by Mrs Young this morning, lying on his face, having fallen out of his chair, with Leader journalist Tennis Ball having also stuck around all night.
"I didn't want to set off the intruder alarm," explained Ball.
"It's well documented that I love transfers," said Young from the comfort of his armchair, having invited the Jestrian and some other guys round for a "couple of tinnies".
"I love signing players on the spur of the moment, and that's what deadline day is all about. Imagine if I had to deal with a transfer deadline! It'd be carnage. I've made some good ones, even without the restriction of a deadline. St Juste, Lennie, Mackreth... People think that Pat Nevin and Perry Groves are still in the squad because Famous Colin Murray paid up, but that deal finished at the end of last season. I signed the pair of 'em at the start of this season. That rush of ink on paper. LOVE IT!"
The next few minutes involved manic laughter from the Blues Supremo before a confused silence fell in the room as it was reported that Tottenham Hotspur had signed Louis Saha.
"Taking it a bit far, that," said a deflated Young, with the air of a performer who has just had their act ruined by someone doing an over-the-top imitation of it.
Asked about transfers of his own, Young confessed that he has some players 'in mind'. This is Young's standard answer to transfer questions, and no-one quite knows whether it means that he has a deal on the table for a player or that he has merely identified some players that he would like to approach.
It could even mean that he is replaying David Beckham's free-kick against Greece in his head, or day-dreaming about having hair like Carlos Valderrama. However, the complete non-sequitur of a response is at least enough for Chronical fame-dog The Tall Peacock to stretch into one of those articles which doesn't leave you knowing anything more than when you started.
"We've had some crackers this season," raved The Peacock, sat in Young's antique rocking chair.
"We had Youngy saying that he wanted the strikers to score goals, George Horan telling us that the players weren't panicking, Jamie Rainford informed me that he wanted to 'do well' at Chester and there was that one where John Danby had just discovered that the Pope subscribes to Catholicism. When I produce an exclusive like that one, the ladies sometimes tear themselves away from office stud Sharks Prowling for a bit and talk to me. I'm excited today, as I've had a tip-off from Matty McGinn about the geographical preference of bears in need of the toilet."
As Ravel Morrison signing for West Ham continued to be one of the biggest stories of the day, everyone realised that nothing remotely interesting was going to happen this year. One by one, Young's guests departed, despite their host remaining leant forward in his chair, begging the TV to bring forth news of Liverpool having spent a snot-load of cash on English players who don't even play for their country for the fourth time in the last 12 months.
Early reports indicate that Young was found asleep in the lounge by Mrs Young this morning, lying on his face, having fallen out of his chair, with Leader journalist Tennis Ball having also stuck around all night.
"I didn't want to set off the intruder alarm," explained Ball.
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