Doctors at the Countess of Chester have described Chester centre back Christian Smith as the most perplexing patient they have ever come across.
"It turns out that Smith is so cool, his heart beats just once every hour, on the hour," remarked a bewildered Dr James Wilson.
"This, we think, accounts for Smith's ability to remain calm under the most intense of pressure and is the reason that he has never booted a ball aimlessly out of play."
Dr Wilson was referring to Smith's insistence on playing himself out of trouble, rather than launching the football as far away as possible, like most centre backs at this level would.
"Ah, I don't mess about with that garbage," grinned the former Wrexham man.
"I have a mantra by which I play my football - 'if in doubt, mess about.' I'd far sooner do a Zidane spin or a rainbow flick than kick the ball into the stands."
Whilst Smith's stylish, if lackadaisical, approach tends to pay off more often than not, it does have the unfortunate side-effect of leaving some people in distress. On one occasion, after the former Clyde defender opted to do a few step overs on his own goal-line, two fans were hospitalised, having suffered panic attacks.
It's not only the fans who have suffered. Neil Young himself was admitted to hospital earlier in the season, requiring his heart surgically removing from his mouth after Smith chose to nutmeg an onrushing striker on the edge of the 18 yard area.