Thursday, 31 January 2013

Blues lost without The Jestrian

Chester FC can't even go a month without the Jestrian, it emerged today.

Despite being described by fans who've never read it as "not as good as the Onion Bag" and having been slated by those who had previously defined it as "genius" once their own hysterical attitudes got satirised, the badly designed blog is apparently integral to the success of the football club, which is now in a right state.  Having been offline for little over a month, the Jestrian has returned to find the Exacta in catastrophe.

"I feel like a parent who's gone away for the week and trusted their kids when they shouldn't have," coughed the Jestrian.

Club officials have moved to attempt an explanation.

"We've all been sitting in our offices refreshing the Jestrian homepage over and over," admitted under fire CEO Pet Husky. "While we were doing that, someone seems to have snuck in and stolen £20k or something. Sorry about that."

Financial reports today show that Chester's finances are in such a mess that a financial controller is being brought in to plan a budgetary recovery.

"People are over-reacting," said Deva Chatter Jimmy Happyclap. "Just because outside experts have been called in to fix things... Sometimes you just call an ambulance because you've got a sore throat, right? Or is that just me?"

Meanwhile, new chairman the Phony Gherkin has been using the news to lower expectations in an attempt to make anything he does look good. This had led to speculation that the Harry Mac will take to singing "it's just like watching the coallition" at the Brackley match on Saturday.

Gherkin's ploy looks to be paying early dividends, as fans have fallen for the smokescreen, overlooking a statement made by the chairman today that feedback on the Racecourse pies has been good.

"We're weighed down with letters coming in every day bigging up the pies," nodded The Gherkin, a suited man who's clearly never stood on a terrace trying to man-handle a non-pie into his mouth while a pastry floatation aid threatens to hurl itself over the side in a bid for tasty freedom.

"Yeah, loads of letters. They have to write letters, because they've never learnt how to use the internet or, you know, how to speak to other people.  That's why you've never heard from them.  Point is, these unidentifiable masses love the pies, so those of you complaining about them in your visible hundreds can just pipe down."

And the discomforting happenings haven't been confined to the boardroom. A YouTube video of manager Neil Young's post-match interview following Wednesday's game against Stockport Sports shows the Chief Seal roaring with laughter following an off-camera incident - a sight as unsettling as it is rare.

"Never happened," scowled The Merseyrail Hardnut, when shown the video.

In more exciting news, Chester will face an away clash in the Cheshire Senior Cup Quarter Finals against Tranmere Rovers, who are Chester's most fierce rivals after Wrexham. And Crewe. Probably Southport these days. Shrewsbury, even, to be honest. But not Chorley. Chorley are nothing.