Tuesday, 23 April 2013

Turner round and say goodbye

Chester manager Neil Young has been dealt a hammer blow for the final two dead rubbers of the season, as identical twins Nathan and Lewis Turner have been recalled by their parent club Leeds United.

With Leeds now safe in the Championship, new manager Brian McDermott is seeking to up the morale at the club, and has chosen to do so by staging an all-LUFC remake of the classic 1990s film The Parent Trap - a film in which two identical twins (both played by Lindsey Lohan) are raised separately, by one parent each, but meet in later life and begin to regularly swap places with each other in order to spend time with the parent they never got to meet.

Whilst Leeds midfielder Michael Tonge had designs on playing the Lohan role himself, McDermott has determined that production costs would be lowered by using actual identical twins, and has recalled the pair accordingly.

"I think they'll play the part admirably.  It may even be more believable than the 90s version, because Lewis and Nathan actually look more like each other than Lindsey Lohan looks like herself," enthused McDermott.

Young is thought to be frustrated by the move, but accepts that these are the pitfalls of loan signings.

"The real blow is that I'd had the 'remake the Parent Trap' idea myself," lamented the Blue Chief.  "Now I'm going to have to use Gary Powell and Jimmy Soul as the kids instead, and they only look a bit alike."

The Turner twins made a big impact on the Blues in their short time with the club with Nathan dominating the midfield and Lewis nodding home the club's hundredth goal of the season to confirm the Seals' championship status.  Whilst this means that they deserve to be acknowledged for their individual contributions, they really don't help their own cause by making their Twitter accounts unnecessarily similar in terms of username and profile picture.

Their departure leaves under-fire manager Neil Young sweating on the last few games.  After winning his third title in three years, Young showed himself to be a sentimental sort, allowing Iain Howard to play the last home game of the season against Solihull on Saturday, so that he could be brought off to a standing ovation in the second half.  This led Deva Chatters who had begged for Howard's inclusion all season to berate the manager for playing fringe players and losing the club's unbeaten home record.

"I walked out in disgust before we were even presented with the trophy," raved Angry Blue.  "I don't know why I even follow football, if the thought of winning trophies doesn't even get me going.  I'm almost punishing myself aren't I?  Maybe I should take up something else?"

With the Chester squad now shorn of two important players, Young has admitted to scrabbling around desperately trying to bolster the team before Halifax on Thursday.

"He's been going through the telephone directory, ringing all the Turners, hoping to track down Nathan and Lewis's mum so that he can ask if there's an unknown triplet who's slipped through the net," explained assistant manager Gary Jones.  "He's been unsuccessful so far.  At one point he rang Radio Merseyside reporter Neil Turner, and had to pretend like he'd meant it.  Bit awkward, as Youngy can't resist giving an interview, so that was three hours out of his day."

Thursday, 11 April 2013

Neil Young: Web Splat

Following the Chronicle's "ask a painfully obvious question" web session with Neil Young today, the Jestrian has carried out its own Q&A session with the Blues manager, using questions submitted by you, the fans.  Well, not necessarily "you".  Pretty much definitely not "you", actually.  Read on.


The Jestrian:  Neil, thanks for joining us.

Neil Young:  No worries.

TJ:  Our first question comes from Tommy Floodgates from Blacon, and he wants to know "does it concern you that the Jestrian constantly makes up quotes and attributes them to you, occasionally portaying you as halfway between lunatic and megalomaniac?"

NY:  Not at all, in fact I hope they write an entire feature in which I'm answering questions in that manner.

TJ:  Excellent, thanks Neil.  The next question relates to away games.  Graeme Bouncycastle, an East Stand regular, asks "are you going Guiseley, mate?"

NY:  Yeah, I probably should.  Been all the other awayers this season like, so it'd be a shame to ruin the record right at the end.

TJ:  Nice one, Neil.  Sticking with the theme of away games, Benny Brusselsprouts asks "what is your favourite song to sing with the Garys in the technical area?"

NY:  Ah, there's so many.  That's just something we like to do at away games for the loyal fans.  Seriously, if you've never been an away game, you're well missing out.  Me, Gazza J and Gazza P work hard on our harmonies, and I think our acapella version of Billy Oceans 'For the Longest Time' is pretty tight these days.  Any song that allows Powelly to rip out a mint trumpet solo is always an event, too.

TJ:  Tru dat, yo.  Gerry Handrails asks "what's with the state of the trains on the Chester to Lime Street line?  The seats are a disgrace."

NY:  Not my problem anymore, dog.

TJ:  Thanks, dog.  This one comes from Timmy Halfwit - "Did Jeff Banks sign Lee Trundle without your knowledge?"

NY:  Yep.

TJ:  Cool.  Henrietta Bountybar asks "if we hadn't got that last minute winner at Prescot Cables, would you have quit?"

NY:  No, but I did duck out ten minutes before that happened, if I'm being honest.

TJ:  Completely understandable.  This one comes from Adam J - "how do you sleep at night?"

NY:  Let it go, mate.

TJ:  Safe.  MC Chris Simm asks "can we expect any more MC Neil Young tracks"?

NY:  That's probably a question for you, isn't

TJ:  No idea what you're talking about.  The Michellin Man asks "where's yer puffer gone?"

NY:  I still wear it if I'm going to a posh function or wedding.  Gotta use it sparingly, as you can't find them very easily in shops these days.

TJ:  Strange, that.  The Pirelli Man asks "where's yer puffin gone?"

NY:  Kennels.

TJ:  Obviously.  Yannick Loopyloop asks "what are your plans for next season?"

NY:  Win it by Christmas and spend the rest of the year going round the country in an open-top bus using a mega phone to let everyone know that I'm ace.

TJ:  Sounds good.  Next, from Amy Treeswing - "what areas are you looking to strengthen for next season?"

NY:  Pies, mainly.  And another six left wingers.

TJ:  Predictable. One final question from a 'Mrs Young' - "What do you want for dinner, later?"

NY:  Beans on toast, but with those beans that have the little pork sausages in.

TJ:  Truly disgusting.  Thanks, Neil!

NY:  Cheers, la.