Friday, 30 December 2011


It’s a welcome return for Haik-blu – the feature where CFC’s finest turn their hand to Haiku, the Japanese poetry-form where each short poem is comprised of just three lines, the first with five syllables, the second with seven, and the last with five.

Here are today's submissions.


One year or two years
What contract does he deserve?
CEO Pat Cluskey on Neil Young's proposed contract extension


Obviously two
Give me some credit won't you?
Neil Young responds


Oh come off it guys
Stop doing this in public
It's very poor form
The Jestrian on the unprofessional nature of Neil Young's contract discussions


I did raise my arms
But he went down as though shot
He should be ashamed
Michael Powell refuses to accept full responsibility for his red card vs Northwich


Listen To Me Now
Start Each Word With Capitals
This Is How You Tweet
Antoni Sarcevic on the art of Twitter


Title contenders?
Excited by a home draw!
Not winning a thing.
Northwich Victoria


Thursday, 29 December 2011

They've all gone Christmas Crackers

Whilst Chester FC are sitting pretty atop the Evo Stik Northern Premier or whatever it's called, there are signs of unrest in the camp.  The management, board members and players have all been involved in some peculiar goings on over the Christmas break, Neil Young has revealed.

"It was horrible," whimpered a usually buoyant and unfazed Young as he recalled his Christmas Day.

"Pat Cluskey and Chris Pilsbury called me in.  Said it was urgent.  When I arrived, they tied me to a chair and dressed me as Santa.  Then Cluskey said 'we're giving you the sack' and they both ripped up laughing.

"I was bewildered enough, but then Jeff Banks burst in and said they couldn't sack me because there was a Claus in my contract.  They all fell about laughing again.  I didn't know what was going on.  In the end, they untied me and said 'see you tomorrow'.  I didn't know what to tell the missus when I got home.  In the end I told her the truth and she slapped me cos she didn't believe me.  I got no turkey and extra sprouts."

The Jestrian sought an explanation from Cluskey, who excused the board's actions, saying;

"Come on, those are two very solid puns."

Young has also had to deal with some antics from his players.

"I thought I'd sorted the board game problem in the camp by banning Pop-Up Pirate, but Liam Brownhill got a Lego "Shave a Sheep" game for Christmas and challenged Wes Baynes and some others to a game on Boxing Day morning.  It was all going well until Liam sent the Scary Wolf in the direction of Wes's sheep when it was fully loaded with wool.  Liam saw it as revenge for the Pop-Up Pirate incident earlier in the season, but Wes was so incensed that he wound up flying into a bone-shattering challenge towards the end of the Northwich clash that afternoon.

"The weirdest bit of the whole sorry affair was that the Lego Shave a Sheep thing is actually a real game you can buy with money."

Wednesday, 28 December 2011

Christian Smith "a medical mystery"

Doctors at the Countess of Chester have described Chester centre back Christian Smith as the most perplexing patient they have ever come across.

"It turns out that Smith is so cool, his heart beats just once every hour, on the hour," remarked a bewildered Dr James Wilson.

"This, we think, accounts for Smith's ability to remain calm under the most intense of pressure and is the reason that he has never booted a ball aimlessly out of play."

Dr Wilson was referring to Smith's insistence on playing himself out of trouble, rather than launching the football as far away as possible, like most centre backs at this level would.

"Ah, I don't mess about with that garbage," grinned the former Wrexham man.

"I have a mantra by which I play my football - 'if in doubt, mess about.'  I'd far sooner do a Zidane spin or a rainbow flick than kick the ball into the stands."

Whilst Smith's stylish, if lackadaisical, approach tends to pay off more often than not, it does have the unfortunate side-effect of leaving some people in distress.  On one occasion, after the former Clyde defender opted to do a few step overs on his own goal-line, two fans were hospitalised, having suffered panic attacks.

It's not only the fans who have suffered.  Neil Young himself was admitted to hospital earlier in the season, requiring his heart surgically removing from his mouth after Smith chose to nutmeg an onrushing striker on the edge of the 18 yard area.

Tuesday, 27 December 2011

Northwich Victoria vs Chester FC - Match Caricature

Following weeks of tiresome posturing and smack talk, from the boardrooms down, Northwich and Chester finally locked horns yesterday, yielding a dramatic, if low quality, 1-1 draw.

Chester were missing George Horan and Matty McGinn, but took the lead early on, following a comically deliberate handball by the Vics goalkeeper. He was dispatched and replaced in goal by an outfielder, who immediately demonstrated that he was not an appropriate deputy by letting the resulting Wes Baynes free kick slither through his mate's gloves, and into the back of the net.  The Chester fans' roar of delight was tempered slightly by the audible "awww" that followed it, as the Blues faithful took pity on the hapless stand-in.

Meanwhile, a few really cool Chester fans ran on the pitch in celebration, 'cos that's dead ace and not at all the kind of thing you should grow out of wanting to do at five years old.

If Chester had thought that this would signal the start of a rout, they were mistaken - the new keeper found his feet, and Vics shut up shop, only attacking on the counter.  However, Michael Powell, who had already been haring about the place like a violent and hungry dog, clearly still considered the game to be too uneven.

Having failed to get himself banned for the occasion, Powell decided he could at least cut his day's work short, taking umbrage at an innocuous tackle by the Northwich right back and needlessly raising his arms.  The Vics number two also waved his arms aboutat head height like a nervous windmill, before hitting the deck clutching his face.  Given that there was minimal to no contact between the two, one can only imagine that this was a ploy by the player to conceal his identity, given that he was acting like both a girly-girl and a heinous cheat.

Though neither the referee nor his assistant, who had been two centimetres from the incident saw any reason to produce a card, the ref took a trip over to the assistant referee on the other side, who, despite having been about 80 yards away from what had happened, took it upon himself to advocate Powell's dismissal.  Meanwhile, the Northwich man returned to the field without so much as a yellow, and the kids in the stadium who were just yesterday enjoying festive cheer, were treated to the harsh life lesson, that sometimes, in the short term, cheats can prosper.

Northwich switched keepers at the break, and despite the new guy seeming even less suitable than the first one, Chester refused to test him, maybe through decency, lack of interest or possibly just plain bad tactics.  At one point the new goalie had a go at lobbing himself, and that was as close as Chester came for the rest of the match.

And so, inevitably, Vics got their equaliser.  Substitute Ryan Wade lashed the ball home at the back post in a crowded area, and the entire team ran and celebrated in front of the Chester bench.  There was no reaction from Neil Young and company however, as they were all perplexed as to why a supposedly title-challenging side would celebrate an equaliser at home against a team shorn of its captain, top scorer and set-piece specialist quite so exuberantly.

Having proven themselves an unpleasant, petty, tinpot club playing in their cup final, Northwich then went on to prove themselves incapable of winning against nine men after Wes Baynes got himself ejected from the field by flying in for a horrible tackle that had so many things wrong with it that, if it was a horse, it would have been shot.

As the full time whistle blew, the Jestrian considered how much there was to say about the game, and placing this against Neil Young's tendency to talk for hours on the blandest of games, bolted before the manager could do his press conference.

Monday, 19 December 2011

Christmas Break

No match report for Marine.  Chester won, we're top of the league, not much funny about that.  All in all, a success.

Anyway, we've been uploading articles daily for weeks on end, but we're going to take a break over Christmas, if only to allow Jeff Banks to enjoy the holiday period.

Do come back once Christmas is over, and I'm sure there'll be a suitably withering report of the Northwich game.

A couple of points of order for those of you who enjoy the Jestrian.  You can follow our Twitter feed, here.  This is updated daily with single headlines for those of you too busy to read the full articles.

You can like the Jestrian on Facebook, here.  This will give you updates to your news feed whenever the Jestrian uploads an article.

You can support the Jestrian by buying some merchandise, here.  Anyone who buys anything can also get a free MP3 of the MC Neil Young by emailing me their order number.  This also includes anyone who's already bought.

Finally, here is the MC Neil Young song again, to keep you going whilst we're away.


The Tall Peacock & Daniel Burns off of the Seals Podcast

Neil Young vs Notoriously Big Lupus - Merseyrail Hardnut by TheJestrian

Friday, 16 December 2011

Marine FC vs Chester FC - Match Acknowledgment

Chester return to Evo Stick action on Saturday as they make the short trip to Merseyside outfit Marine FC.

Marine have crept into play-off contention and currently lie in 6th place, suggestion that Kevin Lynch’s men will be a tough nut to crack for the hardest nut of them all, Neil Young.

Blues fans are expected the travel in their droves, news which has delighted Blues boss Young;

“Yeah I know they are coming to support us, but more importantly Merseyrail will make a right profit from this,” beamed the rail enthusiast.

“I’d like to take this opportunity to remind fans not to put their feet on the seats because we have cameras and you will be punished. I haven’t decided what the punishment will be yet but I’m aware Gary Jones’s house is in a bit of a state at the moment and he’s whispered about getting a cleaner on board so maybe it''ll be that. Or possibly compulsory attendance at our Cheshire Senior Cup games next season."

Chester are expected to have a near-full squad to choose from apart from long term absentee Ash Williams (remember him?) and suspended captain George Horan.

“It’s frustrating not being involved, but on the plus side this Christmas should be a belter now, I’ll definitely be having a few scoops,” cackled the skipper.

Marine will go into the game with confidence following an impressive sequence of results, and boast plenty of pace and creativity up front with former Barbados star Neil Harvey and the lively Aaron Rey. The Lilywhites can also call on ex-Chester triallist Carl Gargan to spearhead the attack.

“Ah, yeah I remember Gargsy...,” said Young, in a way that suggested he really didn’t remember him at all.

Recent studies have confirmed that the playing personnel on the day will be roughly 83% scouse, leading to fears that phrases such as “boss” could creep in. Officials have already warned that being a deemed a “wool” will result in an immediate dismissal.  Neil Young has tried to play down these fears by confirming that there has been a widespread crackdown on unnecessary scouseness at the club recently, leading to speculation that Jamie Rainford was actually shown the door after he passed comment on the number of “bizzies” at the FC United game.

In the interests of equality and diversity, travelling fans have been urged to show tolerance of their scouse hosts and Merseyside police have issued a warning to politely remind fans that waving £10 notes in a degrading manner will not be tolerated, and neither will lightly bouncing whilst saying “calm down, calm down,” in a way no Scouser ever actually has said it. Meanwhile, any mockery of Jimmy Corkhill or Ron Dixon could result in a caution.

Whilst the on-pitch battle will be fierce, there’s also off-the-field scores to be settled in the transport industry. Merseyrail supremo Neil Young is keen to prove that his company dominates Arriva, and what better place to prove it than the Arriva Stadium itself?

“I feel a bit dirty going to that place, but even though we didn’t think it was necessary to install toilets on our trains in this day in age, I’m still confident that we’re well better than that rabble. Me and the Garys have got a few chants lined up, and I’m asking fans to join in. When we sing “we hate Arriva too”, I want the fans to chime in with “they’re slow!”.

Thursday, 15 December 2011

Programmed to Disappoint

Marine's decision to only print 320 programmes ahead of Chester's away trip to Rossett Park on Saturday has led to calls for a boycott from certain sections of the Blues support.

The Crosby-based side has announced an apparently overly-frugal intention to only print a limited number of programmes, despite the fact that they received a tidy sum for Halifax's Jamie Rainford in pre-season.

"Basically, we've decided that if an opposing team does something we're not happy with, we're not going to go," said Carlos Pick-a-Battle, who is already planning to boycott the Northwich clash.

"Until they cave and print 500 programmes, I won't be attending."

Scientists at the Royal Institute of Defining What a Boycott Is in Hampshire have admitted that it's hard to draw a distinction between people who boycott and people who just plain can't be bothered turning up.

"It seems likely that people who didn't want to spend their money on going to Northwich are glad of the excuse not to attend.  Given that you could phone and book tickets, it wasn't exactly made difficult for Blues fans, so it's actually a clever bit of spin from those who don't want to go, but still want to be considered a good fan," commented Dr Gerald Scaffolding.

Meanwhile, hardened boycotter Lenny Hurrah from Newton has found ways of using the power of the boycott to his advantage in other areas of his life;

"It started with the boycott to get rid of Terry Smith.  It was such a rush.  I boycotted the first game of the new club at Warrington 'cos The CFU Members didn't get to vote on the design of the badge.  I boycotted the home game against Radcliffe last season, 'cos I'd had a bad pie the game before.  Before you know it, I'm boycotting everything!

"My wife made Goulash for dinner one night, so I boycotted the snot out of that meal.  Taught her a lesson.  Boycotted my son's Nativity Play last year 'cos he only got the part of a shepherd.  He cried when I didn't go, but you gotta play hardball with these people.  I even boycotted a court appearance because I considered the charges to be bogus.  Turns out they can punish you for that though.  Those cells are rough, man."

Former England cricketer Geoffrey Boycott was unavailable for comment.

Wednesday, 14 December 2011

Commission Impossible

Getting into the Boxing Day clash between Chester and Northwich at Victoria Stadium looks certain to be an utter fiasco thanks to a hastily arranged posturing contest between board members.

CFC refused to sell tickets for the clash to their fans after Northwich rejected their request for 6% commission.

"It's disgusting that Northwich expect our staff to work for them for free," mused Chester's volunteer co-ordinator Carol Bennett.

Meanwhile, CFU rent-a-quote River Banks was in less-than-high spirits.

"There's no backing down on this one," growled Banks

"No-one will treat our club like this.  We deserve respect these days.  In the past, it was all about money, but now it's about fans and the community.  That's why, unless we get our 6%, we'll make it as awkward as possible for our own fans to attend."

Banks was later admitted to The Countess of Chester, requiring a nose-reattachment following a heated argument with his own face.

Meanwhile, Northwich Victoria's board stated their refusal of Chester's request of 6% was based on the fact that this rate of commission is "as far as we are aware unprecedented at this level."

This sounds a convincing statement, until you realise that "The Encyclopaedia of things which the Northwich Vics Board are unaware of" spans 63 volumes and when we tried to download the PDF version, the file was so large it broke our nineties laptop.

The not-at-all stupid compromise that Northwich, hilariously docked three points in the week for signing Tom Field, have come up with is that Chester fans can now buy tickets on the day, then trot over to the turnstile, making the whole process twice as long as it needs to be and rather destroying the point of making it all-ticket to begin with.

With this in mind, kick off is expected to be delayed until New Year's Eve, and a potentially great day out for all concerned will now probably end up being a greater logistical nightmare than making Christmas Dinner the day before.

Tuesday, 13 December 2011

Fans unwittingly "exiled"

After resolutions passed overwhelmingly by both the Chester FC Exiles and The City Fans United, the Exiles are now fully part of The CFU.  This means that all members of The City Fans United who live away from the immediate Chester area are automatically also members of the Exiles, leading to irritation from certain sections of support.

"I only want to be a member of The CFU," grumbled Essex-based Teddy Whippersnapper.

"I don't play darts, so I'm not sure what benefit there is to me in being a member of the Exiles.  What other clubs am I being signed up to against my will?  If I find myself in the gardening club, The WA, the Conservative Party or that club for people who like a lot of chocolate on their biscuit, I am going to be an angry young man."

The Chester FC Exiles is a group of fans who didn't care enough about their club to stay in the area, then gave themselves a name like they're Syrian dissidents or something.  Their main roles include harbouring a sense of entitlement that allows them to declare Ebbsfleet away in the FA Trophy as a 'great draw' whilst bemoaning the difficulties of getting a ticket for a Boxing Day game in the hyper-regional seventh tier of English football.

"Our main vision is for Chester to play their home games in London," admitted Exiles spokesperson Barry George.

"It should be as easy for us in the South to follow our local football club as it is for those who are local to the football club."

As part of its responsibility to the community, The Jestrian recently approached the government, lobbying them to allow Chester's non-Cheshire based fans back into the city, but it was discovered that they've actually chosen to live elsewhere, and there's nothing stopping them from returning.

Monday, 12 December 2011

North Ferriby United vs Chester FC - Bitter-Sweet Report

Chester's FA Trophy dreams were cruelly shattered on Saturday as their 5-1 thumping of North Ferriby United wasn't enough to ensure Wrexham's safe passage to Round Two.  Despite moving within a few minutes of a Wembley final and pocketing thousands of Euros in prize money, the competition is now as irrelevant as the Evo-Bond Prime Minister's Shield to Blues fans who crossed their fingers for a distinctly losable tie when the draw for the last 32 was made today.

Eventually, Chester drew a grim away tie at that weird Gravesend/Ebbsfleet side they have in the south.

"I hope we play the kids that I'm so excited about us bringing through - and then I hope they get roundly beaten.  We need to concentrate on the league now, no silly distractions like a big piece of silverware," said East Stand die-hard Mick McMock.

Club officials had hoped that the very outside chance of drawing the Blue Square Premier pace-setters in the next round would provide a welcome distraction from the controversy over Boxing Day's trip to Northwich Victoria, but quote-happy media king Jaffa Cakes confirmed that Wrexham's unceremonious dumping from a competition that could have aided their financial woes is as big a blow to the Blues as it is to their hilarious neighbours.

"We know the fans were desperate for an all-ticket trip down the A483 at the crack of dawn on a Sunday morning to find the pubs closed and riot police herding them around the streets like cattle before a damp squib of a defeat.  Now all we're left with is an all-ticket trip down the A54 at a sociable hour on a Bank Holiday for a pulsating top of the table clash.  Everyone's gutted.  Gutted."

Blues boss Neil Young was more upbeat, admitting after the match that the opportunity to get knocked out without anyone caring was a welcome relief as he "gets a bit nauseous" when venturing out of Radio Merseyside's broadcast radius;

"Just between me and you, I was dreading the idea that we might actually end up getting to Wembley.  It would've been on TV and everything - I'm just not comfortable with that level of exposure.  Next thing you know, I'm a style icon and everyone's wearing puffer jackets like it's the 90's again.  No thanks."

The game at Grange Lane was a straightforward win for Young's men, Michael Wilde and Matty McNeil netting before half time, allowing attentions to be turned to events elsewhere, in much the same way as at Garforth last season.  Chester scored a further three in the second half but were visibly deflated by the news filtering through from North Wales that Comical Wrexham were being beaten like they stole something.

Details of Chester's goals are somewhat sketchy since Chronicle word-smith The Tall Peacock opted to finish his Christmas shopping instead of making the journey to Humberside, leaving Chester fans pondering the question "If Chester score a goal and The Tall Peacock isn't there to Tweet it, does it actually count?"

Friday, 9 December 2011

North Ferriby United vs Chester FC - Likely Postponement Preview

Banned: No more Pop-Up Pirate on the coach,
says Neil Young
Neil Young’s men take a break from Evo Stick action this weekend, as they lay down the kitchen sealant and head to North Ferriby in the next round of the FA Trophy.

Ferriby were dismantled to the tune of six goals at the Exacta Stadium earlier in the season but have improved since then and have proved a tough nut to crack at Grange Lane. The Villagers manager Billy Heath was in an upbeat mood when questioned about how his side will approach the game.

"To be honest, we will try and beat them,” revealed Heath, shockingly.

Neil Young still has skipper George Horan sidelined through suspension and whilst nobody really knows anything about Chris Simm’s injury, Young should have a near full compliment of players to choose from.

“It’s a long trip but the lads are well up for it,” disclosed Young.

"Boredom is an issue on these coach journeys though. Some of the lads play cards, others play games on their phones. I’ve got Chris Pilsbury singing opera on my iPod which should help pass the time, just hope I don’t sing along loudly without realising everyone can hear me.

"Simmo usually does a bit of quilling - he loves it and produces some lovely stuff to be fair. I’ve had to ban Pop-up Pirate though, I’m not having that again.  Almost derailed the season last time, that did.”

Stand in skipper Michael Powell added that should the team win, Christmas songs will be played on the journey home.

“Mistletoe and Wine is a classic, and everyone likes The Darkness Christmas song. Gaz Jones is gonna dress up as Santa too, it’s gonna be a right hoot,” shrieked Powell.

“I’m not doing Christmas cards this year, although I am hoping to get a yellow one at the North Ferriby game in order to have Boxing Day off," added the midfielder.

The FA Trophy never fails to send The Devachat into meltdown with the repeated cries for Wrexham away in the next round, which rate as infinitely less tedious than the politcal debates in the Off-Topic Forum, but well below the standard of the recent and surprisingly interesting threads about space travel.

Popular Chronicle journalist The Tall Peacock, who revealed on the latest Seals Podcast that he sounds nothing like he looks, has confirmed he will be missing the game, with colleague, The Hairy Porcupine standing in on Twitter-duty.

"Oh what's even the point then?!" groaned a disappointed Michael Wilde upon discovering any goal he scores will not be covered in slightly more detail by The Peacock, thirty seconds after the official club Twitter feed first breaks news of the goal.

Thursday, 8 December 2011

Sort it out, Young!

Following "Mis-Quoted Attendance-Gate" last Saturday, The City Fans United has launched an investigation into other areas of the club to ensure things are run smoothly, uncovering some alarming results.

The professional manner in which the club is run has won many plaudits this season, but after digging deeper, some cracks have begun to appear.

Due to an administrative error, rather than facing lower league Burscough on January 14th, Neil Young’s men will now take on a Zumba XI at the Exacta Stadium, whilst the entire Burscough squad has been booked in for a free session of the Latin-inspired, weight-loss dancing craze.

“It’s a little unfortunate but we have to treat the opposition with respect,” commented Blues boss Neil Young.

“I’ve had them watched and they’ve got a couple of big girls up front who can trouble defences at this level so I’m expecting a hard fought game. I think my missus is on the bench actually, and she’s got a cracking left foot on her.  Bosh!”

And further issues have been unearthed as it emerges that the refreshments stalls are desperately trying to rectify an order in time for the Zumba game.

“We’re not sure if we can change the order with it being so close to Christmas, but we accidentally ticked quiche instead of pies,” growled matchday co-ordinator Barry Hipkiss, pacing round the Exacta pitch last night.

“It raises all sort of logistical problems. How do we serve it? How much do we charge? Oh, and vegetarians confuse me too.  Do they like quiche?  Does anyone like quiche? I don’t know."

Meanwhile, police were called to the Exacta Stadium last night following reports that the Jestrian had broken into the ground.  Cheshire Constabulary found the culprit with his head in a very large barrel, scraping the bottom of it vigorously.

Wednesday, 7 December 2011

Oh it's all gone quiet over here

Following a second criminally dull game in succession at the Exacta Stadium, discussion has again turned to the lack of 'atmosphere' during Chester's home games this season.

And it seems a discussion doomed to fail, as most Chester fans demonstrate a basic misapprehension of the term.  Rather than realising that an atmosphere is formed via a shared rapport between everyone in the venue, it appears that most Cestrian teenagers equate 'atmosphere' with 'noise', considering the Exacta to be at its most atmospheric when a bunch of kids boorishly chant the refrain to Bob Marley's reggae classic "Three Little Birds" whilst someone smashes a snare drum in 4/4 time.

"I went to a restaurant with a great atmosphere the other day," said Harry Mac regular Roger Kidney-Stones.

"There was a group of young lads in the corner incessantly chanting 'Neil Young's Blue and White Carbonara' over and over."

Another frequenter of the Harry Mac, Gareth Ponyhorse, had this warning;

"It's important to create atmosphere by making regimented, often unpleasant noise.  Have you ever seen a replay of that snooker final between Dennis Taylor and Steve Davies?  One of the greatest snooker matches ever, but you could hear a pin drop as Taylor stepped up to sink that final black.  No atmosphere at all."

Meanwhile C-Blocker Terrence Guffaw boasted that his section outsang the Harry Mac during the Worksop game, showing that it's not just the kids who have failed to grasp the concept.

Scientists at The Royal Institute of Handy Soundbites About Atmosphere in Hastings have offered alternative explanations as to why the atmosphere at the Exacta falls so flat.

"It's mostly the fact that Chester fans are pretty chilled out and don't get all angry about little things like, for example, them Burnley fans you get," mused Dr Gerry Juicebar.

"It means that if you stand on the terrace at Chester, you can have a chat about what's going on in Neighbours at the moment or have a cheeky flick through the Guardian.

"In conclusion, it seems to me that most Chester fans don't really care about football until they're on a computer."

Tuesday, 6 December 2011

Well, that was a miscalculation

Chester FC yesterday admitted that they had calculated Saturday's attendance wrongly, giving a revised figure of 2225, a total almost 400 greater than the figure originally quoted of 1850.

The amended figures have wide-reaching consequences, including rendering a perfectly good Jestrian article where we'd come up with reasons for the poor attendance entirely redundant.

And further controversy has arisen, as information found on a club pen-drive, accidentally left on a Merseyrail Train à Grand Distresse, has revealed that a the club used a similar counting method for tallying the votes of anyone who ran against Jeff Banks and Mark Howell for election to the board of The City Fans United.

Almost as disastrous, it means that dullard fans will now have a new, ill-founded confidence when they disagree with the attendance announced.

"I knew it was more like 2225," nodded Jimmy Anorak-Toggles, of the Harry Mac Terrace.

"I can count far better than automated machines, and this proves my narcissism right.  Now, whatever attendance is quoted, I'm going to take my ridiculous guess as the official figure, because clearly the club can't be trusted.

"What do you mean my brain can't compute numbers of that size just by looking?  2225, baby!  Read 'em and weep."

Chief Executive Pet Husky has also confirmed that other previous announcements have been made in error;

"We actually appointed Dave Challinor as manager, not Neil Young," admitted the Rugby League expert.

"Bit awkward, that one.  Youngy turned up on the first day and we realised we'd got the press release wrong.  Fortunately, he's done a decent job and hasn't noticed that the Direct Debit is set up to pay his salary into Challinor's bank account."

Monday, 5 December 2011

Chester FC vs Worksop Town - Match Twaddle

Chester ensured they remain top of the pile with a hard fought 2-0 over Worksop Town.

For the second home game running, the crowd was stunned by how quickly the grass grew.
The Blues best early chance came as Alex Brown was hauled down in a dangerous position. Most of the home crowd missed the incident as they were watching Barry Hipkiss doing his customary lap around the ground, and speculating as to how many games the legendary crack-a-smile coach organiser has actually seen. A club spokesman confirmed that whilst Hipkiss spends a lot of time doing laps of the Exacta, he does “occasionally glance at play”.

The deadlock was broken in the 33rd minute. Robbie Booth, with his worryingly receding hairline, whipped a dangerous delivery in the box which bounced off Michael Powell, who has enough quiff for both he and Booth, and into the net to give Neil Young’s men a lead that was perhaps harsh on the visitors. Powell celebrated near the touchline as coach Gary Powell applied some emergency product to the stand-in skipper's quiff, that had taken some damage in the windy conditions and had noticeably lost some of it’s renowned bounce.

Young himself was losing interest and sent Wilde on much earlier than usual, "just to spice things up". The lovable media-addict gave the Blues an added dimension with some physical front play and the second man up front proved a wise tactical move by the Merseyrail Hardnut. After 72 minutes the lead was doubled after some impressive hold-up play by Old McNeil (the Chester striker rather than a novelty Irish pub) resulted in a lay-off to Powell who made no mistake from close range.

That was just about the end of any footballing action as the remaining twenty minutes turned even more scrappy than the previous seventy. The referee decided to make the affair just a bit more tedious by a issuing a string of silly bookings and taking his sweet time about it. The fussy nature of the official appeared to cause some friction between both sets of players which spilled over into the tunnel after the final whistle, with Worksop keeper Jon Worsnop particularly keen to ensure he is more well-remembered after he departs the Exacta this time, by brawling with Michael Taylor - a man who you just wouldn’t mess with.

The game also saw the launch of a new initiative by the club, as they planted undercover agents around the ground, posing as frail old men in an attempt to gauge whether or not the fan base is really buying into the community ethos. Media gent Jaffa Cakes was known to be beaming after CCTV captured a fake elderly chap, who had conveniently dropped his walking stick at the final whistle, being immediately assisted by a young female, thus proving that we really are the Flanders family of the footballing world.

Friday, 2 December 2011

Chester FC vs Worksop Town - Match Pre-Mortem

Chester return to Evo Stick North action tomorrow as they entertain Worksop Town at the Exacta Stadium.

The in-form Tigers lie in mid-table and are spearheaded by manager Martin McIntosh who took over from the man with the best name in non-league, Peter Rinkcavage, in 2010.  Whilst Rinkcavage's reign wasn't particularly remarkable, we'll take any chance to name-check the guy.

Notable former Worksop players include Spurs legend Chris Waddle - one of the finest players of his generation who played in one of the most successful England teams of recent times, and Leo Bertos.

Former Chester City goalkeeper Jon Worsnop is set to take his place in goal for The Tigers and is a new man these days, having recovered from the psychological damage wrought by getting shouted at by Paul Carden whenever he fumbled a cross.

“Cardy had a problem with me but did you see me attack him for annoyingly booting the ball out of play every time we kicked off?” argued a not-at-all bitter Worsnop.

Worsnop's name also looks a bit like the name of the team he plays for, which is fun.

Worksop currently boast striker Massiah McDonald amongst their ranks and journalists The Tall Peacock and Tennis Ball have reportedly become increasingly excited as the week has drawn on.  Rumours have emerged today that the pair have offered a bribe to the match referee, asking that he sends McDonald off so they can use the headline ‘he’s not the Massiah, he’s a very naughty boy’.

Young will have to plan for the absence of skipper George Horan who unsurprisingly faces a four match ban for that silly sending off in that silly cup competition. Michael Powell will have to be uncharacteristically cautious as he sits only two bookings away from suspension, meaning that in two games time it’s more than likely that he will induce a suspension. Powell has been asked to get any frustration out of his system by instead committing fouls against club staff rather than the opposition and was recently pretend cautioned by Neil Young for a tug on Barrie Hipkiss’s tie, and penalised for a cynical challenge on Volunteer Co-ordinator Carol Bennett.  As she lay face-down on the tarmac of the Exacta car park, Powell sprinting off into the sunset, Bennett was heard to mutter "gotta take one for the team, I s'pose."

The Blues have fully stocked the club shop in anticipation of doing a roaring Christmas trade, and are hoping that business will be swift with tomorrow’s match likely to be the last home game before Santa arrives. New in stock are Chester FC cuff links, that you’d never be allowed to wear in any respectable office, and even if you were, you’d be mercilessly ribbed by colleagues. You can also get your hands on a trendy beanie hat, which no doubt will be modelled by Michael Wilde at some stage if it hasn’t happened already.

'Buy a Player as a Gift' is another initiative being promoted by the club, although a club spokesman was quick to dismiss fears that Joe Ormrod could spring out of a box in your living room on Christmas Day, confirming that it is indeed just a sponsorship opportunity

Thursday, 1 December 2011

Elves in Santa's Worksop

Neil Young faces revolt this weekend, as several players have indicated their intention to swerve Saturday's match in favour of going Christmas shopping.

Chester play host to Worksop in two days time, but with many players working through the week, Saturdays represent their only real chance to buy gifts.

"I've just had a kid, so I've gotta do that thing that parents do where they shower their new-born child with presents, even though they're too young to grasp the idea of gift-giving," explained Popular Michael Wilde.

"I'll try and get it done real quick so I can play the second half."

Meanwhile, right back Liam Brownhill is anxious of leaving his shopping too late;

"Last year I played for Droylesden every Saturday in the lead up to Christmas and couldn't do any shopping.  Suddenly, it's Christmas Eve and I find myself getting the missus a model of the Fat Controller from that weird toy section they have in petrol stations.  I got away with it, cos we've always had a laugh about the fact that the Fat Controller is called Sir Topham Hat these days, 'cos of political correctness, but it was a close call."

Whilst sympathetic, Neil Young has insisted he expects all players to be available for selection come Saturday.

"We've all got shopping to do.  We've even got a Secret Santa at the club.  I got Jeff Banks.  Dunno what I can get him for a fiver.  Maybe another one of those suits he wears?

"The fact remains that we are a football team, and anyone who calls me to tell me they're picking up their Christmas Tree and can't make the match is going to get locked in a Merseyrail Bullet Tram overnight."

Wednesday, 30 November 2011

Kendal Town vs Chester FC - Match Report

Chester didn't take on Kendal Town last night as they continue their assault on the Evo Stik Northern Premier Title.

Following speculation that the game might go ahead, the match finally didn't kick off at 7.45.  Chester weren't missing George Horan, who didn't sit out the first match of a four game suspension, primarily due to the fact that there wasn't one.  Meanwhile, goalkeeper John Danby went another 90 minutes without conceding a goal.

Manager Neil Young had a major selection headache - given that there was no match, Mrs Young gave him the option of either going to the theatre with her mother or staying in and watching Desperate Scousewives on Sky Plus.

"Absolutely dreadful choices.  I haven't seen that Scousewifes thing, but I'd bet it's absolute shrubbery packets," said Neil Young, in a bizarre attempt to coin a new phrase.

"I left her to it and ate a Toblerone instead.  Technically, I'd bought it for Gaz Powell for Christmas, but he never gets me anything, so he can whistle for it.  It was proper tasty."

With no Blues match to follow, many CFC fans turned their attention to the clash of Corby and North Ferriby, knowing that Chester are to face the winner in the first round of the FA Trophy.  Awaiting news of who had emerged victorious was a less-than-thrilling experience for some fans.

"Okay, so we'll play the winner in the next round, but that just means it was a bit like when you ask someone to surprise you when they've asked if you want anything from the low-fat vending machine.  Hardly an exciting wait that one, is it?  You know it's not gonna be a Lion Bar," moaned bored fan Henry Panini-Press.

Eventually, North Ferriby won the match, which means we get to play that lot again and Kendal found a scary shark in their centre circle.

Tuesday, 29 November 2011

Blues in Brief

(Those of you looking for MC Neil Young, click here)

Kendal Town vs Chester FC - Match Preview
Yeah, it's not happening.

Wilde Child
Congratulations to star striker Michael Wilde on the birth of his son, Kaiden.

“It’s absolutely belting news and I’m made up, but I’m not sure how long I can pretend to laugh at people who joke about signing him up. That one's already wearing a bit thin,” remarked Wilde.

Bookmakers have slashed odds on PA announcer Rob Clegg mentioning the news at least twice at Saturday’s game against Worksop, complete with a witty pun.

We're the vaguely well-known in its own city Chester FC and there's still an outside chance of Wemberly
The Blues have been drawn away to the winners of Corby vs North Ferriby in the first round of the FA Trophy.

“Jeepers creepers,” bemoaned Young.

“I’m getting proper sick of these tiresome draws in cup competitions. I was really looking forward to tackling a hangover at The Racecourse at midday on a Sunday, being marshalled by North Wales police all day and taking on a team who are full time and top of the Conference. Now we’ve got a winnable game in the middle of nowhere. Still, at least it’s not an Ashton team.”

In related news, recent polls confirmed that over 65% of people who typically attend a Wrexham v Chester fixture would class The Business, featuring Danny Dyer, as "quite good".

Capital Punishment
Antoni Sarcevic was arrested on Saturday evening after the Grammar Police finally caught up with the talented midfielder. The former Crewe man has been charged with ‘needlessly using a capital letter at the start of each word on his Tweets’.

“It’s a blow for Sarce, but I must admit that poor grammar really bugs me and we have previously discussed this with him,” revealed Pat Your Husky.

“He’ll be educated and released,” commented PC Full Stop.

Boring name
The Jestrian contacted Bill Smith yesterday for a reaction to the news that he’s been elected onto the Chester FC Board.

Smith, who didn't actually attend the AGM at which he was elected said, “Hmm, I’m on the board?  ...Is that the football club? ...Ah yes I remember now. Yeah, chuffed to bits. When’s the next meeting?”.

The Jestrian has shelved plans to use Brill Quiff as an alternative name for Smith, after an angry Michael Powell filed a copyright suit, claiming a monopoly on all quiff-mentions on the Jestrian.

Monday, 28 November 2011

Young MC

Neil Young may have taken Chester FC to the top of the EvoStik Northern Premier and through to the first round proper of the FA Trophy, but it appears the Blues Supremo has more than one string to his bow.  Over the weekend, The Jestrian received a leak of Neil Young's first foray into the world of hip-hop and can now share this with the world.

Go fetch your headphones, then get a load of this - MC Neil Young spitting and flowing to the beats of BiG Lupus, featuring a very special guest rapper.  Enjoy.

Neil Young vs Notoriously Big Lupus - Merseyrail Hardnut

Friday, 25 November 2011

A Few Good Board Members

Mark Howells and Geoff Banks were given a vote of confidence last night as they were voted back onto the board of Chester Football Club.

Media junkie Banks has been a popular and successful figure for most of his first 18 months, though came under fire after the Blues began to charge for multimedia packages such as NATV and Blues Live.

Earlier in the week during his re-election campaign tour, when pressed for the truth behind the Blues Player subscription fee by the Jestrian, Banks erupted;

"You can't handle the truth! Son, we live in a city that has walls. And those walls have to be guarded by ornamental clocks, apparently.  I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for NATV and you curse the CFU. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that that subscription fee, while tragic, probably wins us promotion. And my suits, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, will win us promotion... You don't want the truth. Because deep down, in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on the board. You need me on the board.

"We use words like honour, code, loyalty.  We use these words as the backbone to a life spent building a football club. You use 'em as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps supporting the very football club I provide, then questions the manner in which I provide it! I'd rather you just said thank you and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you put on a suit and stand for election. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to!

"Besides, you can still follow the games on The Tall Peacock's Twitter feed."

Howells’s re-election, meanwhile, means that he will continue his role Tweeting about Youth Team games in a greater depth than the first team games are covered.

"I like to make sure all the Tweets go on Facebook too.  People love their news feeds being full of stuff about how Matty Murphy has just missed a half-chance or how Joe Ormrod has just played a nice pass."

Along with the two stalwarts, some guy called Bill Smith has also been voted onto the board, which is a complete comedy dead-end, thanks.

Chester take on Stourbridge in the FA Trophy tomorrow, and given that Stourbridge have just dumped Plymouth Argyle out of the FA Cup, it seems likely that the Blues won't have any cup competitions to moan about this time next week.

Thursday, 24 November 2011

Chester FC vs Ashton United - "Match" Report

Chester went top of the league last night, winning 1-0 following a Liam Brownhill wonderstrike.

Nothing else happened.

You would expect in a match report that featured the term "Liam Brownhill wonderstrike" that there would be all kinds of crazy stuff going on, but as the final whistle went, confirming Chester as lead leaders, most fans clapped as wearily as they would have had Chester ground out a 1-1 draw in the Doodson Cup.

Even irrepressible chatter-packet Neil Young couldn't find anything to say about the game, and swerved his post-match interview sending Gary Powell out to face questioning instead.

"He didn't even think the game was worthy of sending Gary Jones, (Young's assistant manager) to speak to you," an apologetic Powell told reporters.

The game featured no flashpoints - not one yellow card was issued, despite Michael Powell completing the full 90 - and most fans were comatose by the 70 minute mark.  Substitute Michael Wilde was clocked doing that thing where you put a Malteaser on your mouth, tilt your head back and blow in order to make it hover, and was visibly irritated when Young asked him to take to the pitch.

"I'd bet Wildey he couldn't hover the Malteaser for three minutes," explained fellow sub Jerome Wright.

"He made it to two minutes, 31 seconds and then Youngy put him on, cutting him short.  He was fuming."

Chester take yet another break from the league on Saturday, as they travel to Stourbridge in the FA Trophy.  Stourbridge are not the same as that Stourport Swifts lot that we played a few years ago, but the first syllable is officially similar.

Wednesday, 23 November 2011

Chester FC vs Ashton United - Match Blimp

Chester return to action tonight to face Ashton United at the Exacta, buoyed by Saturday’s rout of Matlock Town.

“We’ve beaten them twice already this season. At least, I think it was them? Anything to do with Ashton baffles me,” groaned Young.

“There's so many Ashton teams.  I’m hoping the wife isn’t getting suspicious. She’s asked me about all the Ashton games and the many Ashton scouting missions I attend.  There's an unrealistic amount of them, she doesn't believe it's all football-related, even though it's the truth.

"I've started trying to come up with more believable excuses.  I think I got away with it when I said I was simply weighing up a return for Neil Ashton but maybe I was pushing my luck when I said I was going to Gary Powell’s for an Ashton Kutcher movie marathon night. Me and Powelly do love 'Dude, Where's My Car?', though.”

Young’s squad has looked increasingly healthy over the last couple of weeks with injured players returning and some new arrivals boosting the numbers.

“It’s hard to get in the team these days,” conceded Iain Howard.

“I’ll play anywhere, but everyone is playing well at the moment that if anyone does anything wrong then they're out. I think Neil overheard me and Smiggs ripping him about his over-sized puffer jacket at training last week, then we turn up on Saturday and we’re both on the Judi Dench. Bit harsh, that. Can’t he take a joke?”

When questioned about how he picks the team, Young confirmed that it’s mainly down to form and fitness. The Blues supremo also confirmed that players jobs can also affect selection, and that his puffer jacket “is big, but designed purely for warmth.”

“It’s really snuggly,” growled Young as he strode angrily towards his car, staring at the ground.

A win for Chester will take them top, and looks increasingly likely now that the players aren't continually spannering easy chances wide of the target anymore.  Some have even started claiming goals that probably didn't go in.

"My goal on Saturday was definitely over the line," said Luke Holden, and Luke Holden alone.

In other team news, Kyle Wilson is not expected to start, having left at the end of last season.

Tuesday, 22 November 2011

Deva Chat is really stupid

Steadily declining unofficial fans forum The DevaChat has finally crossed under the line between "bit of a joke" and "plain ridiculous" on the Stupid Spectrum, say scientists at the Royal Institute of Making Up Spectrums.
"It was teetering on the edge for some time," said Dr Edwin Cauliflowers.
"But this week, it's finally taken the plunge."
Factors involved in The DevaChat's tumble include tedious threads about politics, posters mentioning their personal lives in threads which don't warrant it and a run of tiresome puns about Matty McNeil being a postman, which was duplicated less than a month later.
"Posters seem to love to derail threads with a series of tenuous and awful puns," commented Dr Edwin Swedes.
"The fact is, the only funny pun about McNeil being a postie is that he's a good striker, cos that really annoys the postmen on The DevaChat.  And there's loads of them on there.  Probably because they're on strike."
With the situation at near-boiling point, things finally tipped over into the Plain Ridiculous Threshold as fans went scouring Jamie Rainford's Facebook page, not just to see if he'd made derogatory comments about CFC, but also to rag on his taste in music and books.
"They picked up on the fact that he had Justin Bieber as one of his favourite musicians," relayed Dr Edwin Butternuts.
"I think if you're that obsessed with taking shots at an individual, maybe you have issues?  Someone posted a video of a top goal Rainford scored for Halifax, but most people only watched it to see whether or not he had a tinge of regret in his eyes."
Meanwhile, certain fans have been criticised for posting negative and speculative comments.
"Our little soliders should only be given praise," said super-fan Heston Flashdance.
"Positive reinforcement, they call it in schools.  Okay, The DevaChat is an unofficial message board for fans to discuss the club, but what if players log on looking for feedback on their performance and it's not 100% glowing tributes?  That can mess a child up for life you know.  I bet Neil Young will be giving everyone a Participation Trophy at the end of the season, regardless of whether we win the league."
It has been suggested by the CFC Anti-Free Speech Movement that the following topics should be outlawed:
  • Players who are playing badly
  • Players who are playing well (in case the players who aren't mentioned get upset)
  • Wages
  • Players who may be leaving the club
  • Neil Young's lack of hair
  • Michael Powell's quiff (in case Neil Young is jealous)
  • Your preferred starting XI (imagine how you'd feel logging on to find you didn't make chesterboi's first team)
It has also been suggested that if you like to meet up with your friends for a drink after the game, you should keep it to yourself.  But that one is fair enough.

Monday, 21 November 2011

Chester FC vs Matlock Town - Rinsing Report

Chester kept up the pressure on leaders Northwich with an impressive four goal demolition of Matlock Town on Saturday afternoon.

Neil Young shuffled his pack, which included handing on-loan striker James Ellison his home debut and awarding star signing Antoni Sarcevic his second debut. Popular opinion seemed to suggest that Sarcevic's return would add an extra couple of hundred to the gate, alluding to a previously unnoticed boycott called the 'We Don't Return Til Sarcevic Does Co-Operative'. 

“I got a text on Friday afternoon and I must admit I come over all giddy,” rasped Devachatter ‘sarceishome’.

“I pulled over on the hard shoulder on the way home from work, just to do some breathing exercises. The kids wanted me to take them out when I got in, but I ignored them and went straight upstairs to the computer and watched "Sarce’s Best Moments in Blue" on Windows Media Player, a video montage that I created myself. Sarce is home.”

Chester Nomads U10s sponsored the game (and everything vaguely related to the game) and were rewarded with a photo with Former Players Association guru Gary Talbot.

“We didn’t even tell him we were at home today” remarked concerned board member The Dark Owl.

“He just keeps turning up, at everything."

Reports suggest that Grenville Millington was seething that he missed the photo opportunity;

“He thought that he and Gary were a team,” confirmed a close family friend.

The early exchanges of the match were dreadfully scrappy and boredom set in. Michael Powell took advantage a lull in play to Tweet another picture of his new puppy, and Neil Young and Gary Powell were overheard discussing the new dance routine that Dermot does prior to his spin. Jerome Wright did do some light stretches by the corner flag, but quickly lost interest and took to constructing a watercolour-pastel painting depicting his frustration at not making the starting 11.

Chester broke the deadlock midway through the first period, as Liam Brownhill lofted an inviting delivery to the back post and Matty McNeil rose highest to powerfully head the ball past the goalkeeper. Brownhill ran over to the recipient of his cross and yelped “You might be really, REALLY old, but that was class,” before high fiving the languid veteran.

The home side took control of the contest from this point onwards and even Michael Taylor came close with a thunderous 25 yard volley.

“Tay Tay can do dat - that’s just how he rolls,” drawled Taylor.

On 56 minutes, McNeil doubled his tally for the day with a close range finish following some neat footwork. 74% of the home attendance likened the goal to something that Lionel Messi would produce, but it’s Matty McNeil for goodness sake.

The Blues pummelled the Gladiators for the second period, as John Fashanu and Ulrika Johnson lacked the tactical nous required to implement a system to stop Young’s rampant men, and their day was summed up late in the game when a cheeky lob from Luke Holden deceived the goalkeeper and was deemed by the linesman to have crossed the line. Rather than cheers, the goal was met with rapturous laughter as it was clear to everyone in the ground that it never landed beyond the line and lip reading experts even quoted Holden as saying “Stone me, he’s actually given that? Seriously?”

Michael Wilde was back, once again, although the Harry Mac Terrace resisted pleas from PA announcer Nut Megg to sing the chorus from Take That’s ‘Back for Good’. The loveable club ambassador marked his return with a well taken header from an Iain Howard delivery to wrap up a comprehensive home win.

“Yes it’s true, that was a great win, but it was a right nightmare getting away from the car park,” argued Young.

“The council should do something about it, and we should use that second exit – totally ruined the day.”

Finally, Michael Powell got booked at some point in the game.  Obviously.

Friday, 18 November 2011

Chester FC vs Matlock Town FC - Match Sniff

Chester make a welcome return to the Exacta Stadium on Saturday as they face Matlock Town FC.

Skipper George Horan is expected to play, after he was dismissed in the recent Nonsense Cup game at Hednesford.  Earlier in the week, Chester Chronicle reporter The Tall Peacock tweeted that Neil Young anticipates that Horan will miss four games, starting with the away trip to Kendal on the 29th.

“He tells me all kinds of things,” beamed The Peacock.

“I’m privy to the sort of information that the rest of you can only dream of. Me and Youngy are well tight.”

According to recent surveys, The Tall Peacock has now displaced long time favourites Real Turnips and Tennis Ball as the fans’ media personality of choice, with his tech-savvy reporting, tactical cosying up to Neil Young and his match day tweet-battle with the official club Twitter feed for who can report line-ups and goals first.

Matlock will be a stiff test as they lie in sixth place in the league, and the Gladiators have plenty of firepower with Ian Holmes who has nine goals to his name for the season.

“They’ve got plenty of options.  Rhino has been dangerous over the years, Trojan just never stops and Saracen is also a real threat.  We all know about Wolf too – the lad is tall, aggressive and is rarely beaten on the rings,” warned Young, clearly confused about the Gladiators nickname.

Reports that John Fashanu will turn up to shout “Awooga” for no apparent reason, at arbitrary points during the game, are as yet unconfirmed.

Thursday, 17 November 2011

Murray Christmas come early?

Allegedly drunken tweets on Monday indicated that Suited Media Boy Jiff Bricks has reignited his off-again-on-again relationship with Famous Colin Murray.

Famous Colin Murray, best known as the presenter late night panel show Street Cred Sudoku, is one of Chester's most famous backers along with fellow BBC sports pundit Famous Jonathan Legard.  Murray took an interest in Chester when the new club was formed, regularly mentioning the team on his radio programme, which featured Famous Pat Nevin and Famous Perry Groves.

The trio took in the odd game at the Exacta and provided financial backing in exchange for Nevin and Groves being amusingly named as unused substitutes in every home game.  Murray's main role at the club was to allow Bricks to act like they were best mates.

However, as the second season began, Murray's Chester involvement started to dwindle as he regularly sent Bricks messages saying "we'll meet up soon" and "sorry, I've just been really busy."  Meanwhile, Michael Wilde's current injury is believed to be a smokescreen for the striker to get his life back on track, following his distress due to the fact that Murray doesn't mention him weekly on his radio show anymore.

Many fans had taken to believing that the Northern Irish Murray had given up on Chester, choosing instead to refocus his attentions on his local team Liverpool.  However a tweet from Bricks on Monday, stating that Famous Colin Murray had thanked him for letting him be part of the club during some awards dinner type affair, has sprung hope amongst Chester faithful that the Special Relationship is not finished.

"I'm looking forward to him mentioning us on his radio show again, so that I can be the first to tell people on DevaChat that he said our name," glowed exile Geraldine Seesaw.

It is now expected that Murray may host the end of season dinner again, with The Jestrian's odds of being awarded the gig dropping to 7/1.  This makes The Jestrian third favourite behind Murray, at odds-on favourite, and Amelia Lily, who has emerged as a surprise second favourite.

Wednesday, 16 November 2011

Skipper demonstrates commitment by making irrelevant cup tie disastrously relevant

 Chester crashed out of That Dude's Son's Cup last night away to promotion rivals Hednesford Town.

The competition was widely considered to be the most unnecessary of this season's cup campaigns as it doesn't involve Wembley (FA Trophy) and isn't hilarious (Cheshire Senior Cup).  Nevertheless, as one of only four chances this season to win a trophy, it shouldn't be sneered at says captain George Horan.

"I'm angry that people think it doesn't matter," growled the centre back.

Two hours later he picked himself up a red card, meaning that he will miss four league matches.

"See?  It matters," Horan triumphantly stated as he headed for an early bath.

Manager Neil Young was noticeably irritated.  As Horan exited the pitch, Young was seen deliberately stepping outside the lines of his technical area as a taunt to the referee.

"We're without George for four matches, which is a massive blow.  On the plus side, we'll probably manage to win the Fair Play Award again now.  Maybe I should injure Michael Powell to make sure.  Might mess with the settings on his treadmill.  Classic antics," smirked Young

Chester eventually succumbed to a 3-1 defeat meaning that they are now out of both the cups that they conceivably could have won, and suddenly it seems like we all should have cared a lot more.

Tuesday, 15 November 2011

Hednesford Town Vs Chester FC - Match Preview

Chester inconveniently face Hednesford Town in the Doodson Cup tonight, aiming to build on Saturday’s impressive victory against Whitby.

Neil Young is set to use his full squad in order to rest key players and give others who actually care about the game a chance to play.

“It’s getting out of hand, I mean The Doodson Cup for goodness' sake.  I bet it will be really cold too,” said Gary Jones, filling in for Neil Young as he is busy 'not giving two hoots about a Doodson Cup, anyway'.

“We’ve promoted a couple of the kids for this game, but to be honest with you I can’t remember their names and Neil’s not answering his phone.”

Christian Smith revealed that the players used to weekend in Whitby as a chance to stage competitions ascertaining who will play the Hednesford fixture;

“Youngy said whoever wins the most games on FIFA 12 gets to sit out the game on Tuesday, and we all know Smiggs is FIFA king. I even played as Barnet against Matty McNeil just to give him a chance, but I think he’s still on FIFA 98 on the PS1 – get with the times, old man,” rapped the midfielder.

Reports also surfaced of a tense game of Hungry Hippos between the club's goalkeepers. Adam Judge was unfortunate to lose out, rendering him a dead cert for the starting 11.

On the journey home, Wesley Baynes and Liam Brownhill contested a round of Pop-up Pirate on the team coach, but the atmosphere turned sour after Brownhill inserted a sword, triggering the release of the pirate.  The ex-Droylsden man vigorously protested that an unusually large speed bump had caused the pirate to pop-up, insisting that it was nothing to do with his choice of slot on the barrel.

“I said it was best of three but Wes is having none of it. I’ve been robbed,” ranted Brownhill.

"Liam’s been unfortunate but we’ve all been there.  You pick your slot and once the Pirate is up, there’s not a lot you can do about it,” sympathised Neil Young.

The Blues fell to a late defeat at Keys Park earlier in the season and most observers would expect The Pitmen to be challenging for the promotion places in the league. As such, the Hednesford boss Rob Smith may challenge Neil Young to a sneaky game of "Who Can Field The Most Reserves?" 

Nonetheless, the football club is the pride of the town, although this is mainly due to the fact that there is nothing else in Hednesford.

“I started typing ‘Hednesford’ on Google and the football club was the first suggestion. That never happens,” mused disproportionately popular Chester Chronicle personality, The Tall Peacock.

“Guess I’ll be there doing the Tweets. Gotta think of the overtime at this time of the year.”

Monday, 14 November 2011

Blues in Brief

Whitby Town 0-4 Chester FC - Match Report
Chester beat Whitby 4-0 on Saturday.  So yeah... that happened...

A dull and Drury affair
ITV 'commentator' Peter Drury angered Chester fans this weekend when he made ill-informed comments explaining Chester's absence from the FA Cup.

During the televised FC Halifax vs Charlton clash, which many Chester fans watched in the hope of finding excuses to slate Jamie Rainford, Drury incorrectly and disrespectfully slurred that Chester were not in this year's FA Cup due to "various misdemeanours over the years."

In retaliation, CFC media man Jeff Building Societies announced that Drury would be replaced by Clive Tyldesley for ITV's next batch of live football due to "numerous acts of treachery and mischief spanning several decades."

"Two can play that game," he snarled.

Taking a pun-t on Holden
Luke Holden has tempered expectations that he may sign permanently after publically announcing that he is fed up with team-mates making puns on his name.

"It all started with Youngy telling me to Holden to the ball when I have space.  Then John Danby started talking about when he played for Chester City in the Holden days.  When I came on as a sub for Jerome Wright on debut, Cleggy announced that the substitution was 'Holden, on for a hero'.  I wouldn't have minded, but it was an away game, I don't even know how he got hold of the mic."

The Jestrian asked Gary Jones about the situation;

"Holden?  There's Amanda have in your team!" roared the assistant boss before wheeling away and high-fiving Gary Powell.

Reports have also surfaced that on Thursday, Robbie Booth turned up singing Oasis's Stop Crying Your Heart Out, but with the lyrics "Holdeeeeeeeeen.  Holdeeeeeeeeen.  Don't be scared."

In breaking news, the joke is now widely accepted as having gone too far after events at pub quiz last night, attended by Holden, Alex Brown, Liam Brownhill, Michael Taylor and CEO Cluttery Path.  When asked the question "which football league team plays its home games at Boundary Park?", Alex Brown hilariously wrote the answer 'Holden Athletic', causing his team to miss out on the £100 cash prize by one point.  Angered, Taylor went to punch Brown for his japery before the midfielder warned him, "don't mess with me, I'm scary."

Fringe benefits
In a staggeringly frank interview, Michael Powell has admitted that he is reluctant for Chester FC to win promotion this year.

"It's a tough conflict of interests, as we get loads of free Evo-Stik products in this league, and I use their 'Super Fix Putty' to maintain my quiff.  If we get promoted to the Blue Square, I'm going to lose that perk.  Maybe I'll be able to get a free bet, win a shedload of cash, then I can buy a big bucket of Super Fix Putty straight from the Evo-Stik warehouses, but it's not a sure thing.  I miss the Southport days.  I was paid a fair whack there, and could afford to buy No More Nails.  My hair has never looked better."

Friday, 11 November 2011

Whitby Town vs Chester FC - Japes Preview

The Blues return to league action at Whitby on Saturday, a place best known for being one of the filming locations for ITV1 snooze-fest Heartbeat.

“Bet they’ve got Green Grass at their ground” grinned Neil Young with a twinkle in his eye, whilst nudging reporters, hoping that they’d get the joke.

Young’s men travel to the Turnbull Stadium, so-named after Chelsea goalkeeper Ross Turnbull, hoping to recover from the late defeat at Bradford PA, and have every reason to be confident. Whitby, boringly nicknamed ‘The Blues’, have lost seven games on the trot and are languishing third from bottom in the league, despite reports of completely bossing every game they’ve played.

Chester will need to improve their finishing if they want to start picking up points again, and this has led Chris Simm to do some extra work after training;

“I’ve been playing Roberto Baggio’s Magical Kicks online,” said the striker, whilst every journalist nodded nostalgically, and made a mental note to Google it when they got home.

Michael Powell and George Horan are expecting to shake off knocks to recover for the clash, guaranteeing that the game will see at least two yellow cards.

“It’s not every week you get to play against ex-Premiership players like Andy Campbell (former Middlesborough goal-every-twelve-games striker) – count me in,” barked the Skipper.

John Danby is also set to return in place of Timmy Judge, if he can re-schedule his personal trainer appointments.

“I didn’t realise there were two Whitbys,” confessed the shot stopper.

“I’m just starting a business and I’ve got a couple booked in for Saturday morning thinking that I’d easily get to Whitby (Ellesmere Port) in time, but then Neil mentioned that the coach would pick us up, which seemed a little off.  Then Simmo reckoned we’d be stopping for a pint in the Aidensfield Arms on the way back and that’s when I thought ‘hang on, It’s the Heartbeat place’.  I’ve told Simmo that the Aidensfield Arms is fictional, and so is Gina – he’s gutted. Think he thought that Bellamy would be stewarding.”.

Reporters also quizzed manager Young about possible changes to the personnel that lined up at Stalybridge in midweek but soon fathomed that the manager was playing one of his familiar games;

“A little bit of Danby in my life, a little bit of Brownhill by my side, a little bit of Howard’s what I see.”

Young and the gaggle of reporters ripped up laughing halfway through “a little of bit of Tay Tay in the sun.”

Thursday, 10 November 2011

A Community Club

The City Fans United have continually come up with new ways of getting the local community involved in the football club, the most recent of example of this being the formation of a spate of new clubs, societies and classes, which will be run by or hosted by Chester FC.

Hot on the heels of announcements about computer literacy courses, THE CFU have further revealed that they will be staging photography classes and, at the request of manager Neil Young, Zumba sessions.

"The missus has been on at me about the fact I work two jobs, but this way we can spend more time together.  I'll come down for matches or training, and Mrs Young can do a spot of Zumba whilst she waits.  I don't know much about it, but apparently it's known as 'exercise in disguise' which, coincidentally, is my name for the Cheshire Senior Cup," commented the Blue Chief.

Further to this, a gardening club has been unveiled, and is expected to be a big hit.

"Gardening has become very popular amongst the lads," explained Young.

"John Danby has been asking visiting strikers not to enter his area as he's just re-seeded the six yard boxes.  We had to discipline Robbie Booth as he missed training in order to enter a "biggest marrow" competition at a fete.  He won, and the marrow was spectacular, but rules are rules and you have to train, no matter what vegetable competitions catch your eye.  We congratulated him, but fined him one delicious marrow.  Me and Powelly (Gary Powell) had a right feast."

Meanwhile, rumours have emerged that Jamie Rainford's comments on The Facebook were an attempt to get himself placed on gardening leave, having bought an allotment in response to the gardening craze currently sweeping the Blues squad.

Other ideas for clubs and classes have been bandied around by THE CFU, with the apparent trend being towards things that have as little to do with football as possible.

"Oh, we've got loads in the pipeline," said CEO Pat 'Chariots' Cluskey.

"Yodelling club (with the Blues), that's a good one.  How to use a Spirit Level (with the Blues) - excited about that one.  Erm... Learning the real names of cutlery (with the Blues)... I don't know about you, but I can't tell the difference between a dessert spoon and a soup spoon!  We've got How to draw the animals onto Animal Biscuits (with the Blues), How to properly use a semi-colon (with the Blues) and finally a soccer skills school.  Not 'with the Blues' though, that last one."

Wednesday, 9 November 2011

Stalybridge Celtic 2-1 Chester FC - Match Melée

Stalybridge Celtic dumped Chester out of the Cheshire Senior Cup last night, in a 2-1 victory that not many fans mourned, if truth be told.

The game got off to a stuttering start when both managers turned up a team of over-65s, having misunderstood the competition's moniker.

After each manager gave a quick ring around to his first team squad, enough players turned up for the game to get underway.  Within a matter of minutes, Stalybridge had taken the lead, Craig Hobson firing a beauty past Timmy Judge, playing his first game of the season.  A second goal was added shortly after and was so bland that it defies description.

Having gone in 2-0 down, Chester's second half performance caused a scare, mostly for the 200 or so fans whose blood ran cold at the thought of having to suffer through extra time should the Blues manage to pull it back to 2-2.  These worries were exacerbated when newbie Luke Holden bagged his first for the club with around ten minutes remaining.  As Chester went in search of a second, Neil Young was seen half-heartedly and unconvincingly urging his men forward.

"We definitely want to stay in this competition!" he was heard to shout.

Moments later, Michael Taylor, the only over-65 remaining from the original squad, missed a golden chance to make it 2-2, and every man in the ground breathed an audible sigh of relief, including Taylor himself.

"We're disappointed to be out," said boss Neil Young.

"But we’ve so many cup runs going, it's no great loss.  The volume of cup competitions is well-documented as being 'silly'.  We actually had to drop out of the Cortez Belle Open Invitational Trophy to play here tonight, and next year we'll be eligible for both the FA Cup and the Cillit Bang Remarkably Clean Cup.  I was offered a cup of tea earlier, and I automatically turned it down on the basis that we couldn't fit it into our schedule.  I'm fuming - I really could have done with that brew.  Gary Jones had one and he said it was dead good.  Pyramid bags and real sugar."

Tuesday, 8 November 2011

Stalybridge Celtic vs Chester FC - Tedium Preview

Right, there's another cup game tonight.  This is the one that has teams near Chester in it and doesn't involve Wembley.

Chester play Stalybridge Celtic in a game that literally no-one seems to be talking about.

"We have a game?" queried a surprised Michael Taylor.

"I should probably look into that."

Recent polls confirm that the tie has come 34th in a survey of the most tedious things you can do in November, falling just behind a wet weekend in Grimsby and Neil Young’s Mersey Rail self-assessment report presentation to shareholders.

“I remember the horrors of Cambridge away in the LDV Vans but when they announced this tie it really was a chilling moment” cried supporters coach regular Brenda Boiledsweet.

In the previous Senior Cup tie at Hyde, Gary Jones got bored and moved into the stand.

“I lose interest in some of these cup games” chuckled the jowly assistant.

“I sat at the top of the stand and tried to hit Gary Powell on the head with some chips I'd bought, just to liven things up. I got close a few times, including getting Wildey by mistake with a crispy one and then BOOM, Gaz turned around and I got him good style right on the conk.  We caught eye contact and both ripped up laughing – he loves a bit of that sort of thing, although Youngy was less than amused."

Early reports suggest that Senior Cup bigwigs have already singled out the chip incident to be included in the montage of highlights at the end of the competition.

An injury crisis at the club has restricted Young’s rotation options which could cause some tired legs come the end of this hectic month.

“Obviously Jamie’s gone which I’ve heard has had a lot of 'thumbs-up likes' on Facebok but it does leave us short of strikers. It’s easy to panic and sign someone like Michael Clarke or Nick Rogan at this time of the year, so it’s important we liaise with our scouts and see if there’s a boy out there who can enhance the squad” explained Young.

“And it’s too late to go grovelling to Gregga now, he’d have done us a job for sure.”

Former Chester City manager Jim Harvey is in charge at Stalybridge and has with him former Blues including Lloyd Ellams and Tim Ryan.  Harvey continues to command quite the reputation at Chester, despite having only managed City for a few minutes.

"It's a disgrace that we hired Neil Young, when Jim Harvey exists," grumbled one fan who is in two minds as to who to support tonight.

"He's a manager who we had once, and who has managed in the non-leagues a bit, and that's enough for my expert opinion.  Sack the board."

Harvey, who works full time, for full time outfit Stalybridge, has taken Celtic to the top of the Conference North, but fans who know better still think he might prefer to come ply his trade for a semi-pro outfit further down the non-league structure.

"You can't tell me that Harvs wouldn't prefer to spend half his time in some admin job, making the bills meet," insisted Harry Mac regular Gerry McSplash

Kick off at Bower Fold is 19:45, if anyone is actually going. For anyone who needs deterring any further, the tie goes to extra time and penalties if the first 90 minutes don't yield a result, and providing none of the players are working nights.

Monday, 7 November 2011

Chester FC 2-0 Stafford Rangers - Match Hoot

Chester returned to winning ways, and continued their march towards Wembley by overcoming Stafford 2-0 in the FA Trophy on Saturday.

In a game where the Stafford fans actually brought a dog with them, to try and make it look a real Sunday league affair, left winger Luke Holden also made his debut, as Neil Young strengthened the one position that didn't need it.

In the wake of controversial comments made by out of favour striker Jamie Rainford and his associates on social networking sites, Chronicle journalist Raul Meal-Socks tweeted that Young had joked before the game that the match had been sponsored by Facebook, thereby stealing our punchline.  A journalist for the Jestrian was ejected from the ground shortly afterwards for attempting to take revenge on the Blues manager.

"We apprehended the culprit trying to break into the changing room in order to deliver the teamtalk before Neil got there," explained head steward Timmy Perks.

Once the match, sponsored by Facebook, started, Chester continued their recent habit of hilariously missing easy chances.  Jerome Wright was the main culprit this time, choosing the moment that he was presented with an open goal as the perfect time to publically air a well-chiselled comedy trip.  At the end of a frustrating first half, Chester won themselves a penalty, and Matty McGinn converted coolly his first spot-kick since his permanent signing, having scored four during his loan spell at the club.

"To be honest, the penalty situation has been upsetting.  We were getting loads when I was on loan, so I signed up.  Since then, nothing.  It's sort of like going out with a girl who you think is amazing, so you marry her and then it turns out she doesn't win loads of penalties after all," said Matty McGinn, giving up on his similie half-way through it.

And Chester doubled their lead at the start of the second half, Robbie Booth scored from a rebounded Jerome Wright effort. It was chance that would have been harder to miss than score, but that is no guarantee of anything just at the moment.

With the game apparently safe, Chester set about picking up some bookings, in order to let the ref do some colouring in his notebook.  With Michael Taylor already booked, Michael Powell was feeling rather left out and grabbed his traditional tame yellow, Christian Smith was booked for refusing to remove his shades and Matty McGinn was booked for trying to explain his aforementioned failed similie to the referee.

The game ended 2-0, but manager Young found himself having to field more questions about Facebook.

"I don't know what goes on on these sites.  I cancelled my account when I got a bit too into playing Bejewelled Blitz," confessed the boss.

Friday, 4 November 2011

Chester FC vs Stafford Rangers - Match Preview

Chester take a break from league action tomorrow, when they take on Stafford Rangers in the FA Trophy. The Blues secured a 3-0 win at Marsden Road earlier in the season but after failing to win in the previous two matches, confidence is fragile.

Neil Young may shuffle his pack after the disappointing loss at Bradford on Wednesday where his strikers missed a hatful of chances. On the subject of chances, the popular opinion seems to be that striker Jamie Rainford is fast running out of them. Following the Bradford game, the genius took to Facebook to vent his frustration at being dropped from the team despite having scored a goal on Saturday, and declared himself to be "past caring".  This incensed certain sections of Chester support so gravely that you'd be forgiven for thinking that caring is now the only criterion required to wear the blue and white shirt.

"I had a questioning technique when dealing with potential signings, but that's all changed since I read The Devachat this week," admitted Young.

"Now I’m gonna just say 'D'ya care? A lot?' and if the answer is yes then that's good enough for me.”

Rainford's behaviour has had a positive impact on Chris Simm who can now feasibly not score for the rest of the season, nipple twist Barry Hipkiss and sleep with a team mate's wife without the fans batting an eyelid, so long as he continues to not be Jamie Rainford.

In advance of tomorrow's match against Stafford, Neil Young was quizzed on whether changes would be made, with it being a cup encounter.

"Ahhh jeez, it's in the cup?" groaned the Mersey Rail supremo.

"Nobody mentioned that to me. I was gonna take it dead seriously and everything. Might give Timmy Judge a game now."

Thursday, 3 November 2011

Bradford PA 2-1 Chester FC - Disaster Report

Chester crashed to defeat for the first time in 14 games last night, annoying all fans who expected the league to be a cake-walk.

As Chester descended on the Bradford Park Avenue's Horsfall Stadium, so named because it looks like a horse fell on it, it was clear that the evening would be a rancid affair.  Neil Young had the luxury of being able to name the starting eleven that we'd all plump for, and the players repaid him by missing a string of chances that Geoffrey Boycott's mum probably could have put away with a stick of rhubarb in her pinny, or something.

With the score at 0-0, Chris Simm used his newly cast-free wrist to full effect, as he sarcastically applauded a refereeing decision, earning himself a good booking.

And when, to the dismay of Mrs Boycott, Robbie Booth smashed a sitter over the bar, Bradford PA grew tired of Chester's ineptitude and chose to score a goal, just to liven things up a bit.  It was Richard Marshall who slipped the ball past John Danby, who having secured the club record for the most consecutive games without conceding, now appears to be experimenting with how many games he can go without keeping a clean sheet.

Having gone in 1-0 down, Chester started the second half well, Robbie Booth scoring a nice goal, and George Horan sporting a manly-looking bandage on his head.

Normal service was resumed moments later when Simm mis-hit a volley and as the strikers continued to misfire, Neil Young opted to change the front two with fifteen minutes to go, introducing Mike Wilde and Jamie Rainford.  Increasingly-hard-to-defend Rainford, who has regularly been urged to take a leaf out of Simm's book, subsequently obliged by hitting a similarly limp volley wide of the post.

Loads happened in the last couple of minutes, but the upshot of it all is that Bradford PA scored another goal and Chester lost.

As the final whistle went on a 2-1 defeat, Young was left fuming over his side's missed chances;

"If I wanted strikers who were consistently wide of the mark, I'd have signed Daily Mail columnist Richard Littlejohn," said the manager.

Wednesday, 2 November 2011

Bradford Park Avenue vs Chester FC - Match Preview

Chester make the trip to Bradford Park Avenue tonight knowing that victory will fire them to the top of the Evo Stik Premier league after Northwich were well beaten by quasi-homonyms Nantwich last night.

Manager Neil Young has options available to him as Michael Powell returns after his one match suspension, and the more reasonable, cultured CFC fans will admit that there was a lack of composure - and bookings - without the bouncy-haired poacher.

"I hate having to watch games. I ended up ordering Steps reunion tickets just to fulfil my weekly booking quota. Cost me a fortune, but Deeper Shade of Blue was a classic to be fair," confessed Powell.

The manager is under pressure to approach the encounter differently to Saturday's game, when the Blues had a lot of possession without any real penetration. When asked what Chester's tactical approach would be against Bradford PA, Young merely replied "We gonna give 'em a right doin'."

The Blues Head Honcho also has the dilemma of whether or not to recall Chris Simm to the starting line up, after the striker has had the plaster cast removed from his wrist.

"It was a relief to get rid of the cast," admitted Simm.

"It looked beaut when I came on on Saturday, with it coloured in pink, but then it dawned on me how ridiculous it was going to look in everyday life."

Simm's return would most likely necessitate Jamie Rainford being removed from the starting line up and this may be considered harsh on the former Marine who ended his dry spell with a well taken goal on Saturday.

"Rainy is raring to go but Simmo is pestering me to start him too. Whichever one of them I drop, it's going to feel like booting a puppy in the nose," bemoaned Young.

When quizzed about the possibility of dropping Michael Wilde, Young glared sternly at his interrogators and swiftly changed the subject, asking reporters what they thought of the bail-out package offered to Greece by the EU.

Chester will be relieved to be heading away from the Exacta Stadium after some spooky goings-on at the ground over Halloween. Harry Lipgloss was alone in the offices on Monday evening when the old Chester City fax machine suddenly sparked into life, churning out a reply from Bury FC politely declining the club's approach for David Nugent. There have also been several sightings of a ghostly figure spontaneously appearing around the ground in dark places, although this is widely believed to be another Alex Brown attempt to "put the willies up everyone".

Meanwhile, Neil Young got into the Halloween spirit on Monday by taking youngster Joe Ormrod out for a spot of trick-or-treating. The little fella was dressed as a spooky zombie from Michael Jackson's Thriller video, and Ormrod was a ghoul.

Bradford PA lie in 6th place in the league and go into the game following an impressive win against Kidsgrove. That's all the information we have on them.

Tuesday, 1 November 2011

A Judge on the bench

Goalkeeper Adam Judge has had so little to do this season, that this is probably the first time we've even uttered his name on the Jestrian.

 And as John Danby's deputy offered us an interview, we'd actually forgotten his first name, calling him Timmy Judge for 20 minutes before a nearby club official thought to offer a correction.

"It's tough, not getting a chance in the first team.  Some days, I'm waking up, looking in the mirror and saying 'you can do better than this, Timmy,’" said the shot-stopper, kindly sparing our blushes.

"At one point during the run of seven games without conceding, I thought I might never play football again.  How does a goalkeeper fight his way into a team that's not conceding goals?  Don't get me wrong, I tried to hire a hitman to wipe Danby out, but he gave up after finding it impossible to get past George Horan and Michael Taylor.  Turns out that even if you've got a gun, George will grapple with you."

Neil Young attempted to offer some words of encouragement to the frustrated 'keeper.

"Who?  Judds?  Jush?  Judge?  Judge... oh grief, Judgy, yeah, he's still around isn't he?  Blimey, I'd forgotten about him," said the Blues boss, turning to his assistant Gary Jones to check that Judge has still been turning up to training.

"Yeah, very much in our plans, is... erm... I want to say Timmy?" he continued.

Adam Judge spent a large portion of last season as Chester's number one, before being replaced at Radcliffe by bizarre one-off Josh Lennie.

Monday, 31 October 2011

Chester FC vs Frickley Athletic Match Report

Frickley tore up the form book to claim a hard earned point at the Exacta Stadium on Saturday, frustrating their hosts, who were clad in pink in order to show support for Breast Cancer Care.

Athletic took the lead following some poor defending from Michael Taylor, who got rinkcavaged by Ollie Ryan who then lured John Danby into hauling him down. The penalty was dispatched and Chester were left wondering how this had happened after having enjoyed 98% possession until this point, 95% of it between their defenders.

It nearly got worse for The Pinks when Christian Smith was caught daydreaming about how to pretend he’s not in when trick or treaters knock on his door, and squandered possession, forcing Danby to make a save. From Danby’s throw, Chester broke past the halfway line and  Jamie Rainford produced a surprising, yet classy finish. Now Rainford is back in the goals, he has upgraded his Facebook name to Egil Ostenstad.

Chester continued to dominate possession after the break and created a string of chances, with charitable hero Michael Wilde guilty of missing several opportunities. The sucker punch was soon to follow when the home defence allowed Brad Grayson through on goal, who calmly slotted past Danby.

Having re-taken the lead, the visitors looked to kill the clock in an attempt to pull off a result they'd have doubtless celebrated as though the Jules Rimet itself was on offer. 

"Three points here would've been better than the births of my two children," said Frickley boss Peter Rinkcavage.

"To be honest with you, getting away with a draw probably ranks above the second one.  Certainly on a par."

Matty McGinn's towering header pulled Chester level, but despite numerous opportunities and Chris Simm wielding a fetching pink plaster-cast on his comically fractured wrist, the hosts failed to find a winner. 

"I spent all night colouring it in," grinned Simm when later quizzed on his inexplicable miss from three yards out.

Frickley Goalkeeper Adam Billard bravely soldiered on through the second half despite apparently dislocating both shoulders, breaking both legs and hyper-extending his nose by the end of the 90 minutes.  The stopper has urged Evo-Stik league officials to look into a possible curse on the Exacta Stadium, complaining "Every time the ball went dead behind the goal, I was overcome with searing pain for a good twenty, thirty seconds.  I dunno - maybe it was a halloween thing?"
West Stand season ticket holder Kenny Loops was less than impressed with Frickley's approach, telling The Jestrian "It was disgraceful.  They've come here with one intention - to fight for cancer.  Turning up in their blue and white shirts when everyone else was getting into the spirit of it and wearing pink?  It's just disrespectful.  Frickley?  Sickley, more like.  You can have that one."

However, not all fans were so impressed by Chester's pink attire

“I know people are going to say it was a good cause, but on balance, I’d say that Chester not playing in blue and white at home is worse than cancer,” opined Terry Emem, East Stand regular.

Following the final whistle, Blues supporters packed into the cleverly renamed 'Pink Bar' to drown their sorrows and bid for their favourite player's pink shirt in order to raise money for Breast Cancer Care. As the auction rumbled on, Christian Smith admitted that he had intentionally not broken into a sweat all game in order to increase the resale value of his shirt.
"People were very generous and we raised a few quid," reported Blues CEO Pet Husky, who later confirmed that next week's clash with Stafford would be immediately followed by media office Juffity Bink-Bank trying to put on ten different suits in the space of a minute for Comic Relief.  "It's not even Red Nose Day," Husky cackled.

Friday, 28 October 2011

Chester FC vs Frickley Athletic - Match Preview

Chester return to league action tomorrow when they face obscure outfit Frickley Athletic at the Exacta Stadium.

Frickley sounds like a cross between an entry-level swear word, and a plant that might bloom in your back garden in the Spring time, and their wonderfully-named manager Peter Rinkcavage was less than amused by his team’s lacklustre display in their recent FA Trophy game against FC United.  Following a 0-4 marmalising by the Red Rebels, Rinkcavage (seriously, what a name) raged that Frickley had "played like a team of wazzocks" and admitted to "egging the cat" when he got home, in order to relieve his frustrations.

Looking ahead to the weekend and Rinkcavage will be hoping to have former Chester FC trialist Ollie Ryan in his squad. Ryan impressed in Chester’s first pre-season but was dismissed on the grounds that he looked too similar to then-target Kyle Wilson, which would have caused far too much confusion should the pair ever have been on the pitch at the same time.

"Hopefully Ollie can do enough keep the gaffer happy," purred a yolk-drenched Mrs Whiskerson.

In other Frickley-related news, the club has recently announced a link with Czech outfit FK Jindřichův Hradec 1910. Far from being just a random collection of letters and numbers, this is indeed a real team which competes in the 5th tier of Czech football, famous mostly for erecting a statue of Pavel Srnicek in the club car park. Potential benefits include making them sound a bit more interesting, like Garforth and their bizarre Brazil connection, and the possibility of stocking the clubhouse with strong Eastern European lager at a discounted price. Nobody has fathomed how Jindřichův will benefit yet.

Chester, meanwhile, will have to make do without the services of quiffy beanpole Michael Powell as he serves a suspension for being booked in the majority of games he plays in. Powell has a tendency to lunge in for unrealistic challenges in a way that is clumsy enough to warrant a yellow but timid enough to avoid a red. He is then typically spotted remonstrating with the official, sometimes with a flailing arm, before trotting away to accept the punishment.

“I’ve grown to enjoy it," said Powell of his weekly caution.

"It's as big a part of my Saturday as that bit on the X Factor where Dermot does his spin and declares that my 'weekend starts here.'”

The CFU officials are concerned that last Saturday’s game with Ashton was so drab that it could adversely affect the gate, but are hopeful that the publicity for the "Think Pink" day will catch the imagination of the Chester public.

“Yes, we accept it was tiresome last Saturday.  That's why this week we’re advertising it more as a Breast Cancer Awareness day and then we're going to sneak the Frickley match in once we’ve got enough people down here,” revealed Larry Hipflask.