Friday, 26 February 2016

Gone to the dogs

Cheshire police have confirmed that, following a successful trial run by their neighbours in North Wales, they will be rolling out extreme new measures to keep the crowd under control at Sunday's conference clash between Chester and Tranmere.

In the early hours of Wednesday morning, police on the A55 deliberately hit a dog with a car so as to prevent the carnage that could be caused if a dog got hit with a car. It has now been confirmed that this was an experimental method that the police plan to roll out to other operational areas.

"It's not a first port of call, but it's there if we need it," explained PC Billy Truncheon, who is looking forward to the overtime that he'll get paid on Sunday for artificially heightening tension at a football match.

"You have to remember that the dog had bitten an officer and caused an HGV to swerve.  It's basically a two strikes and you're out policy.  We think the trial has good parallels with the match at the weekend, except that H block Chester fans are more likely to bite you, and lorry drivers are less likely to swerve for a Tranmere fan."

"Anyway, if someone disrespects a minute's silence, makes a rude gesture to the opposing fans or sings that song about smelling bacon, they're gonna get mowed down by me in my Q5."

"I've been playing Grand Theft Auto to get a bit of practice in."

This plan will continue a rich history of the police treating football fans in Chester like dogs.  If you do want to act like a hooligan within the city, however, there is ample opportunity to do so at Chester Races, where you can act like the most despicable human being alive so long as you wear a skinny tie and shiny suit from Next; and so long as you are accompanied by a woman with a daft hat, a tan the colour of nuclear-grade Orangina and heels that she's too drunk to walk in.

Saturday, 16 January 2016

"Don't look at where we were four years ago any more" say Positive Blues

There was a minor disturbance in the Blues Bar last night when, at a meeting of the Positive Blues supporters group, one member almost said "look at where we were four years ago" instead of "look at where we were six years ago".

"It was just a slip of the tongue," said the offending party, Q Block regular Finlay Stick. "Obviously I was trying to hark back to the Steven Vaughan days, I just can't believe it's been so long!"

The "look at where we were 'x' years ago" line has been deployed ever since the reformation of Chester FC, but must strictly be used in a positive context.  The gaffe at last night's meeting almost caused people to remember that four years ago, attendances were up, community classes were a regular event at the club, the Community Engagement Officer post wasn't just a creative way to pay the assistant manager a bit more cash and there was a burgeoning media output of highlights and commentary which served as a fantastic marketing tool for the club before it was cynically placed behind a paywall in the interests of short term profit.

"We at The PB operate on the straightforward principle that if a thing is not as bad as another thing then it is not bad at all," explains Positive Blues chairperson Gaston Shimmerbones.

"Therefore, until our club is once again being run into the ground by a man with alleged links to some of Liverpool's most dangerous criminals, I can find no reason to provide even the most constructive of criticism," continued Shimmerbones, who is the sort of guy you get screaming "first world problems" at people when they complain that their flight to Tenerife is delayed by an hour, that the local Waitrose is out of hummus or that their smart phone battery ran out before they could call an ambulance for their mum.

Fortunately the fracas at the Blues Bar died down as all attendees joined together in a rendition of "Always Look on the Bright Side of a Pasting Against Lowly Aldershot", with Steve Burr providing rhythm on his expensive new bongos.

Later, a man in his mid 30s was ejected for suggesting that maybe Chester could mark a bit tighter at set pieces.

"Apparently our marking is fine because at least Terry Smith isn't chairman anymore," he explained on his way out.