Monday, 21 May 2012

MC Neil Young vs The Notoriously BiG Lupus vs Chris Simm - Merseyrail Hardnut

Neil Young has had a good year.  His second title in as many years was the obvious talking point, but on the side, the Blues Boss also kick-started his hip-hop career.  Here is the long-awaited video to MC Neil Young's first hit rap record:

Good night, everybody.

Friday, 18 May 2012

Chester FC vs The End of Season Awards - Dinner Preview

Chester return to action tomorrow as they face the End of Season Awards at a packed Chester Racecourse.

Attendees are expected to turn up wearing suits in homage to CFU Media Whirlygig Jiff Bricks, meaning that the cumulative cost of clothing in the room is likely to top £70.

"We're doing a roaring trade," said Matalan shop assistant Johnny Degree.

Cheshire Oaks outlets have also reported recession-busting trade, with spokesman Robbie Halfprice confirming "we've seen a run on polyester normally reserved for Christmas party season at Chester Business Park."

Neil Young is expecting a tough test from The Awards, and has already confirmed that he will have two goalkeepers on his table, in case one gets injured.

"Plus, Glenno's got some cracking anecdotes.  Did you know that Scotland has its own football league?", asked an incredulous Blues Boss.

Controversy has surrounded The Awards in the lead-up to the dinner, with rumours that the mischievously backhanded Most Improved Player trophy may make an appearance.

"Do you remember getting that one, when you were playing under 13s?", smirked an un-named Awards Representative.  "The sudden realisation that everyone thought you were dreadful at the start of the season?  Bam!  Self-esteem shattered.  We'll be giving that one to whichever player shows signs of wanting a move away."

The match is also expected to provide a frantic midfield tussle, as several fans fall over each other to pay ridiculous prices for not-that-limited edition stuff in the auction.

"Sure, I could take my shirt along and get it signed, or I could pay £800 for a pre-prepared one – bargain, right?", mused super fan Gerry Thistles.

Meanwhile, any exciting prizes - like last year's "manager for a day" offer – will be snapped up by self-storage guru Andrew Donaldduck in the absence of any other rich Chester fans.

The match official is Famous Colin Murray, whose fee is not as great as first expected.

"We were gonna pay top whack for him," admitted media cobbler Bricks.

"But then we found him on a lookalikes website, doing turns as The Tall Peacock.  His fee for that kind of work is much less, given the surprisingly low demand for doubles of local journalists.  Except for Sharks Prowling ringers, of course.  People will pay an arm and a leg for a bit of that."

The pinnacle of the evening should be the Player of the Year Award, but will probably end up being the sight of Chris Simm swaying about, glazed over and slurring before taking a sip of his first pint.

Kick off is at 7.30pm.

Thursday, 17 May 2012

Banksy's Blag

With official programme The Cestrian out of publication, Banksy, the CFU PR Wrench, has submitted his blog to us instead.


Banksy's Blag
17th May 2012

Well, what can I say?  It's been another brilliant season, and we get a chance to congratulate those involved once again on Saturday.  If it were up to me, everyone would get an award.  We'd have Litter Picker of the Year and everything, but that's not going to happen, because as much as everyone bangs on about how valued these people are, there's not a single individual amongst us who has any interest in seeing them formally recognised.

Well, the awards dinner promises to be a great event, as I was saying to my mate Colin the other day.  Colin Murray, that is.  I've also had a text off Lionel Messi (I just know him as Lionel, to be honest) saying he's gutted he can't attend but that it's great to see Chester with a football club we can be proud of again.  I'm hoping my new friend Hodgy - that's Roy to you -  turns up. We met because I'm all the time on the phone to the FA.  I'm quite important, you know.

Well, the TV companies have been on to me about Saturday night too.  I've had BBC and ITV on the phone desperate to talk to me.  Channel 5 called too, but it turned out that it was just a viewer survey.  Pretty awkward, that.  Quick enough though, as no-one watches Channel 5, so there weren't many questions.  I think I got done by the Fonejacker once too, can I count that as Channel 4 having called?  And E4?  Look, the point is, you watch these channels and they phone me.  How sweet is that?!

Well, what about planes, eh?  They're pretty cool, aren't they?  This is relevant to CFC, as CFC is also pretty cool, so the subjects are linked in that respect.  Overall, if I had a choice between saving the Vulcan Bomber, and Michael Wilde making a full recovery from his injury, it'd be a tough call.  One's a creaking old war machine that was superb in its prime, and the other is Michael Wilde.  Boom!  A non-joke.  Double misdirection.  You thought you knew where I was going, but I threw you a curveball.  Banksy 1-0 You.

Well, there's lots of exciting things to look forward to next season.  We're gonna be included on Sky Sports News scores updates.  That's well sick.  Do you think they'd call me?  Ask me how it's going being a fan-owned club?  Sky seem like the type who'd like to see a community-based model triumph over the horrible money-driven, corporate culture of most football clubs.  It would make them feel better about having caused that very culture.  We're also gonna be on the Football Manager game.  I've not played it in years, but it gets more detailed every season.  Does it have media officers at the clubs on it these days?  Can't wait to take a screenshot of that badboy.

Well, I can't for Saturday - I'm looking forward to picking up my award for "Most Celebrity Friends".  I'll see you all there, but I probably won't talk to you unless you've been on TV, sorry.  I've got standards to keep.  If you have a famous name, then we may be able to cut a deal whereby you can text me, so it looks like I know your namesake.



Wednesday, 16 May 2012

Holiday Blues

Saturday represents a chance for Chester's players to once again celebrate their title achievement by being harassed by fans who fancy themselves as mates with Christian Smith, because he gave them a retweet once. 

Last week, however, the squad had a chance to get away from such attention by taking a trip to Magaluf.

"It was nice to celebrate our win without some guy I've never met hanging around, calling me 'Wildey' and making me pose for pictures," admitted striker Michael Wilde.

Photos posted to Twitter by Antoni Sarcevic imply that the lads holiday mostly consisted of the CFC players standing round doing impressions of implausibly popular boyband The Wanted, but the reality was much different.

"Christian Smith was well up for partying when we left, but as soon as we landed he was missing Chris Simm, who'd had to stay at home," explained Ash Williams.

"He just stayed in his room, texting and tweeting to Simmo.  He's gonna regret that when he sees his bill.  Data roaming charges - heinous!"

"We tried to use the fact that we're footballers to get special treatment in various places," recounted George Horan.

"It didn't work cos no-one believed that Mike Taylor is a footballer. Looks more like middle management in an insurance firm, doesn't he? Or the guy who puts your Sky dish up, maybe."

John Danby was ejected from a hotel after ranting to staff that the bed linen was not up to standard.

"I know a thing or two about clean sheets," said Danby, before being forcefully removed by police for having broken an ancient Magaluf law that prohibits smug puns.

Adam Judge was due to attend, but arrived at the airport to discover that Neil Young had switched his ticket into the name of a journeyman football league goalkeeper.

"We had a cracking time with Steve Mildenhall though, to be fair," revealed Michael Powell, complimenting his quiff with some Top Gun sunnies.

Neil Young himself did not attend, as he refuses to go anywhere unless he can get there by train.

Tuesday, 15 May 2012

Host Out Of Focus - Famous Colin Murray

Famous Colin Murray will once again be in town to host the Chester FC Awards Dinner this Saturday, following a well-recieved debut at last year's event.

Murray has been asked to miss the Champions League final in order to confirm to a room full of besuited Chester fans that he does indeed still talk to CFC Media Screwdriver Jeff Banks.

"I'm gonna see if he wants to camp in my back yard the night before," chatters Murray enthusiast Banks.  "We can tell ghost stories and stay up late.  It'll be boss!"

Murray is best known for having hosted the first season of late night panel show Street Cred Sudoku on UKTV Gold 2, which is something that actually happened.  Murray's shock departure on the eve of the second series is widely accepted to be the moment that the show jumped the shark, Andy Goldstein taking the reins and guiding the show towards its inevitable cancellation.

"It was an exciting period for TV," reminisces telly expert Edna Antfarm.  "There aren't enough panel shows around, so basing one around an inexplicably popular puzzle game was genius.  Of course, there was the twist that the show then had nothing at all to do with Sudoku, but that just added to the mystery of the whole thing.  It's missed as a show and as a concept."

Colin is also notable for being host of radio-based panel game Fighting Talk - something about which he is still actively excited.

"We're constantly improving and I'd like to take this opportunity to announce that The Jestrian will definitely be joining us on the next season of the show," says Murray, who will look like a proper douchebag if he doesn't follow through on that invitation now.

Murray's love affair with the club started at the inception of Chester FC and the Northern Irish presenterman earned rave reviews when he donated £2,000 to the club on the provision that Perry Groves and Pat Nevin be named as unused subs at each home game.  Far from being a charitable practical joke, however, Murray now admits that this was something altogether more sinister.

"Perry cornered me one day after our radio show," recounts a visibly shaken Murray. 

"He said that if I didn't help him to play professional football again, he'd Monster Munch me in the Super Bass and Graeme Hick me down the Gryll Bears.  Something like that anyway.  I didn't really understand him, but it sounded like a threat, so I did what I could.  I paid the money, then posed on Devachat as a series of dullards commenting how funny it'd be if Neil Young put him on the bench one time.  If we're being honest, he wouldn't have done any less of a job than Jamie Rainford, would he?"

And Murray's Chester connection runs deeper still.  As host of Match of the Day 2, he regularly sits opposite former Chester right back Lee Dixon and watches on in amusement as Dixon rocks back and forth in his seat wishing that just once he'd be allowed to do the Saturday edition of Match of the Day.

"I don't think Dixie likes the hilarious puns I read out at the start of the show," muses Murray.

Following last year's fiasco when Murray put questions to Michael Wilde and George Horan only for them to dizzily grunt one word answers at him whilst facing away from the microphone, it is thought that this year Murray will concentrate on manager Neil Young, who talks for so long that he hasn't actually finished his post-match chat from the Marine game yet.

Colin Murray is available from all good record stores.

Monday, 14 May 2012

It's Awards Week!

The Big Awards Dinner (TM) takes place at the end of this week, and will undoubtedly be another occasion of mutual back-slapping between fans, the board, the management and the players.

The club has come an incredibly long way over the past two years, as evidenced by progressive debate at The Institute of Straw Men (aka The Devachats) last week.

"It's great that the club has moved on so far from the last regime that we can once again consider the alleged involvement of two board members in a pub fracas to be a 'non-event'," sobbed one of those fans that considered losing 3-2 at Ebbsfleet 'a momentous achievement' for the Chester FC.

The two individuals involved shall not be named here - one due to legal reasons, the other because we don't much like giving him the publicity, given that he wasn't even elected anyway.  However, uproar broke out at The Institute when the figure at the centre of the clash outed himself as having resolved a dispute with a landlord by utilising "a bit of peck" (paraphrase).

"He rotated his head 180 degrees to get involved," claimed one eye-witness.  "Unsavoury, I'll give you that, but technically very impressive."

"I can't believe he didn't respect his own privacy," grumbled another poster.  "The incident took place in a public house, what right have the public to question what went on?  He wasn't celebrating the title win in an 'official capacity' anyway.  Get over it."

"This is entirely different to that one time that Vaughan chinned someone at Morecambe, or when he dropped the editor from the Non-League Paper - he'd have needed at least 1,000 posts on The Deva Chats for that to be acceptable behaviour."

Whilst the director in question acknowledged himself that he'd been a bit naughty - also mentioning that he had reconciled with the landlord in question and explained himself to the board - some CFC fans decided that this wasn't neccessary, even though it very much was.

"He doesn't have to explain himself to anyone because he's done loads for the club," growled superfan Chris Deerskins.

This line of thought is now set to be formalised, with a sliding scale of public misdemeanours that will be allowed based on contribution to the cause.

Former carthorse target man Dave Cameron is set to leather an officer of the law (twice) should he receive sign-off that his last-gasp winner against Farnborough a few years back is enough to allow him this indiscretion, whilst never-even-seen goalkeeper John Gann may be permitted to steal stationery from his office job.

Meanwhile, Justin Walker will be seized by police if he so much as accidentally tries to underpay for a pint within the city walls, Daryl Clare can boot your mum in the shins and Darryn Stamp is allowed to throw tins of soup at stray dogs.

Having signed for both incarnations of Chester's football club, but having never played, Rob Marsh-Evans will be arrested upon entry to the City, whilst Nick Rogan's solitary goal last season allows him one fare-free taxi vomit.

On the other end of the scale from those blindly defending the indefensible lie those who gleefully brought up the incident three weeks after it happened, despite being the kind of people who claim to despise a "grass".  These people would appear to love it if the club failed in its current format, for reasons too inexplicable to satirise.