Monday, 11 March 2013

Harrogate Town 1-3 Chester FC - Match Squelch

Chester FC remain well top of the Blue Square North after beating Harrogate Town on a day which was grimmer than those 'hilarious' "Keep Calm and..." images that you get twice a day on Facebook.

With Harrogate trialling a new system whereby the pitch is prepared elsewhere, then dropped into an Olympic-sized swimming pool, Blues manager Neil Young was hesitant in his preparations, and suffered a further pre-match blow as midfielder Scott Brown sank into the pitch whilst retrieving a ball from behing the goal.

"We found Scotty again after the match," said a relieved Young.  "He'd burrowed his way out and, excited by the experience, he's going to take up deep-sea diving. Which will leave us short for the Witton game midweek unfortunately."

Following a first half which contained so little football that at points you forgot that you weren't just watching a country fete with overgrown children running about the place, Chester managed to carry a lead into the interval.  Nathan Jarman scored the goal, firing the ball through the goalkeeper's hands.

"I'm still not convinced that was actually the ball," grumped Harrogate keeper Craig MacGillivray.  "I think he just booted a lump of mud past me.  It was hard to tell by that point."

Indeed, the ball was so caked in dirt by the half hour mark that a few flowers had grown in the stitching, causing the referee to stop the game.

"I'll have these for Mother's Day," he enthused.

Tony Gray doubled the lead in the second half with a clever header, to the delight of his manager.

"Did you see the way that the mud stuck to his head?  It looked like hair," mused Young.  "I'm well tryin' dat."

Matty McGinn bundled in a third, before marching off in a strop because it wasn't a crisp left-footed drive, like we've all come to expect from him.

"Wish I'd missed," growled the former Southport man.

A late consolation for Harrogate came courtesy of a Dominic Knowles free kick.

"I let it in, cos I didn't want to get my top dirty," explained Blues keeper John Danby.  "I had it well covered though, ol' Safe Hands over here.  No need to pull an Adam Judge on me for the run-in, Youngy."

The Blues now await their Senior Cup tie at home to Witton, during which it is expected to snow.  Then not snow.  Then snow again.  Then not snow.  Then snow.  And then stop.  You get the pattern.

Friday, 8 March 2013

Harrogate Town vs Chester FC - Match Jaunt

Chester FC travel to Harrogate tomorrow for one of those Yorkshire-based games they sometimes have to play.

The Blues go into the game following a wave of controversy caused when club director Brill Quiff derided Chester fans who didn't show up to Chester's Cheshire Cup Quarter Final with Tranmere on Monday. Angry Seals fans have turned on the director, justifying their non-attendance by stating that they just "don't care about the competition".

"How dare he criticise my commitment to the club?! I didn't attend because I couldn't have cared less that we were playing," raved a hurt Loyal Blue off of the Deva Chats.

Meanwhile, Marketing Degrees have been torn up and new syllabuses drafted as experts gravitate towards marketing director Quiff's ingenious model.

"It turns out that the best way to get people to buy your product is to call them out for not buying it," said one of those London Media Types that you get. "I've just drafted a new slogan actually - "if you don't buy Fairy, then I have no respect for you as a human being" - PR by shame. It's the future, man."

Meanwhile, Chester are top of the league by a long way, but apparently we're more interested in what director thinks what about the attendances.

"That's the image that club officials are asking me to put out there," mused a confused Chronicle journotron The Tall Peacock. "It's like in school when you get your mate to tell a girl you like her. Except in this context, "you" is the club, my column inches are the "mate" and "you like her" is just ill-advised comments that you wish they'd keep to themselves."

Harrogate have played at a whole bunch of different grounds this season, but manager Simon Weaver insists that this is not a ploy to trick Chester into turning up at the wrong place.

"No this match is definitely at Plymouth's stadium," he said, shiftily.

Harrogate have had to play four games in eight days, a workload envied by Halifax, whose season is yet to start.

A win for Chester will please Blues fans but appal Brill Quiff unless it's by four or more.

Thursday, 7 March 2013

820 disgusting men

Chester director and motorcycle botherer Brill Quiff has outraged Blues fans and fellow board members after voicing his opinion that Chester fans might like to actually attend the club's games.

Listing some good reasons as to why the turnout for Chester's Cheshire Cup semi final with Tranmere might have been more impressive, Quiff (famous for his casually misogynistic "men go to the game whilst wives go shopping" initiative as well as his lesser known "get your little lady to knit you a Chester scarf" and "make sure she has a cake on the table for full time" campaigns) then got carried away, labelling the attendance figure of 820 "disgusting".

"I looked at the empty seats and vomited myself sideways," raved Quiff to Chronicle prose-pony The Tall Peacock. "Seriously, vomit everywhere. It was like smelling silage, or stepping in dog poo, or going to Wrexham."

"Basically what I'm saying with my choice of words is that, if you didn't turn up, you make me sick. And I'm hoping that that will make you want to come watch my football club in future."

Chester fans have taken to Deva Chat to slate this over-reaction, in a move lacking the sense of irony and self-awareness that you'd hope it would carry.

"Can't believe he's getting angry about something that was actually pretty good," scathed that one who always slags off Neil Young.

Meanwhile, Quiff's fellow board members were quick to draft an official statement reassuring the Chester public that the club isn't really that bothered whether they show up or not.

"820 was fine, stay at home if you like," read the statement.

In other controversy, one of the 820 attendees, Stoke City striker Michael Owen, has upset some dullards by saying on Family Fortunes that he lives "near Cheshire" rather than "in Flintshire", despite these being the same thing.

"To be fair to Michael, he was just avoiding that bit of the conversation where Vernon Kay would have had to ask where Flintshire is, leading him to say "near Cheshire" anyway," said anyone sensible.

Not everyone shares this opinion.

"Yeah, so he raised £30k for the Childbirth Appeal at the Countess of Chester, but that money is tainted now, because he mentioned Cheshire even though he lives nowhere near Cheshire," moaned someone without real problems. "I say nowhere near. In a Cheshire postcode, obviously. And he also said he lived in Ewloe, which is right. But he's still disgusting. Him and the other 819 of you."

Wednesday, 6 March 2013

Neil Young admits to Lewis Turner prank

After weeks of pretending that there's a Lewis Turner, Blues manager Neil Young has finally admitted the whole thing was a joke which "got out of hand".

Following the impressive performances of Leeds youngster Nathan Turner, Young joked that the midfielder was playing so well that he might even sign his identical twin brother.  When journalists failed to pick up on the joke, the Chief Seal was forced to plough ahead with the concept.

"I didn't want it to look like I'd made a joke which had bombed, so I called up Nathan and asked him if he'd be willing to pretend to be his own brother for a press release," confessed Young.  "We did a few pictures and got a few quotes off him, and it all went swimmingly at first."

The ploy also had the effect of making it look like the former Colwyn Bay manager had pulled off a spectacular coup by bringing in two loanees from a Championship club.

"No-one was impressed that I'd secured one Leeds player," bemoaned Young.  "As soon as I'd brought in a second, everyone started giving me props.  It felt nice."

However, as the weeks have worn on with no sign of Lewis Turner getting any pitch time, Young has been forced to admit that the player doesn't actually exist.

"We even considered trying to play Nathan as Lewis in a couple of matches in order to keep the illusion going, but it's difficult to register someone who isn't real with the league," explained the Blue Boss.  "I had a look into how expensive it would be to forge a birth certificate and whip up a National Insurance number, but I was told we couldn't do that because of the club's financial situation."

"I bet I'd have got away with it in the first year," he added with a grimace.

Nathan Turner himself is said to be glad that the chirade is over.

"I was having to pretend to be Lewis at training some days," he explained. "Youngy was desperate to save face.  He asked me to come up with a character for Lewis - some traits that differ from Nathan.  I decided that Lewis would be a coffee drinker, even though I hate coffee.  Dreadful move on my part, it makes me feel sick and I've got too much energy in the evenings."

"Still, the alternative is going back to Neil Warnock at Leeds, so I've just stuck it out to be honest."

In other news, Ben Mills has hurt his knee, but Young hasn't ruled out the possibility of mysterious new striker Melvyn Mills making a debut against Harrogate at the weekend.

Tuesday, 5 March 2013

Chester FC 1-0 Tranmere Rovers - Match Extra

Chester FC overcame Tranmere Rovers last night to propel themselves into the semi finals of the Cheshire Senior Cup. The Blues took until extra time to secure the result, leaving stayaways feeling very smug.

The match was also notable for people talking excitedly about how Michael Owen was at the Exacta, even though it's the also-present Terry that's the Chester legend.

"Terry who?", scoffed Harry Mac regular Henry Popculture.  "And when's John Bishop gonna come down the Deva again?"

George Horan scored the winning goal for Chester, stating that he "really couldn't be bothered with pennos".  Meanwhile, Neil Young spent the whole game heckling his opposite number Shaun Garnett.

"You're not even FROM Cheshire," Young was heard to roar, having consulted his old Merseyrail rail map.

The Blues squandered a number of decent chances, but Blues manager Young later confirmed that this was deliberate.

"There was no-one in the end stands, so it was a chance to make the stewards do a bit of dashing about," explained the King Seal.

The victory sets up a home semi-final against Witton, and Chester fans are concerned by the number of matches left on their side's calendar.

"There's still a bunch of league games, which'll get in the way," bemoaned Main Stand burger-swerver Gary Printscreen.  "We don't want George getting injured against Harrogate.  Two more wins and the trophy's ours.  It has to take priority now."

Young has confirmed that he shares this viewpoint.

"Yeah, we need to make sure we take in a cup final," nodded The Big Blue Cheese.  "Wrexham are off to Wembley, so we need to make sure we are too.  What do you mean the final's not at Wembley?  Where's the Cheshire Wembley?"

Following a frantic Google search, it was confirmed by Chronicle pen-twiddler The Tall Peacock that the final will take place at Westminster Park, with the for-sale Danebank Stand being flown in specially for the occasion.

Monday, 4 March 2013

Chester FC vs Tranmere Rovers - Match Senior

Chester FC take on Tranmere Rovers at the Exacta Stadium later tonight in the Cheshire Senior Cup, even though Tranmere definitely isn't in Cheshire and there's no-one over 65 involved.  Except maybe Neil Young.  Anyone know how old he is, really?

Following a free weekend, the Blues manager is expected to field a first team side, especially with Guiseley comically losing again at the weekend.

"It's pretty much won now, I reckon," commented Young, 83. 

"Must be those pitch covers we inherited from Chester City," he followed up, alluding to Guiseley's habit of making up more stuff about Chester FC than some not-as-popular-as-they-used-to-be blogs that could be mentioned.

The winner of the tie will face Witton Albion, a side most famous for repeated attempts to forge links with the Blues last season.

"I'm sure if we get through to the semi, they'll be offering us their team coach to get us to their ground and cooking some tasty stew for all our fans," confirmed Blues CEO Pet Husky.  "Great club, can't do enough for you.  They even took Michael Powell of our hands when the refs in this division ran out of yellow cards."

Tranmere are currently in the League One play-offs but are expected to field a fringe side.  Chester, meanwhile, will be hamstrung by the fact that many of their fans just aren't interested in the Senior Cup.

"We don't need our footballers distracted by games of football," grumbled Logic Blue, off of the Deva Chats.

The game will be settled by penalties if need be, but Young has confirmed that his players have not been practicing.

"You can't recreate the tension of the Senior Cup in training, so we haven't bothered getting the basic skill and technique down," said the Blue Boss, echoing the brilliaintly sensible mantra of most managers.  "I imagine it's the same with open heart surgery or negotiating a hostage situation.  No point practicing away from the game, the stakes aren't high enough until it's actually happening.  Just go with your gut."

Friday, 1 March 2013

Fans asked to donate shirts

Chester FC have sensationally announced today that they have run out of home shirts as Paul Linwood has bled on them all.

Linwood spent most of his time off the pitch on Wednesday, replacing shirt after bloodied shirt, and kit man Jimmy Soul has confirmed that there are now only nine left for the next home game.

"It's dire straits," admitted Soul. "We tried to patch Linny up, but every time he went up for a corner, the ref told him to get off the pitch. At first we thought he was getting a nosebleed being that far forward, but it turns out that that was the only time the ref could be bothered checking."

Linwood actually picked up the injury following a clash with former Blue Darryn Stamp, and later found himself in A&E where he went through eight gowns before he could be stitched up.

"It's a nightmare," fretted Linwood. "Went to work today, had to get Jimmy to bring me some spare ties. He reckons his job doesn't extend that far, but I got onto Youngy and he told Jimmy either he brings me my ties or he won't follow through on his promise to sack Gary Jones and make Soully assistant manager."

Fans are now being asked to donate their shirts to make up for the shortfall.

"We're especially looking for XXL shirts as you can fit three Danny Williamses into one of dem," explained CFU media translator Jaffa Cakes. "Fortunately we don't need any yellow ones, as none of you bought those numbers."

"I'd buy a yellow shirt," responded Deva Chat.

Chester enjoy a free weekend this weekend before a huge clash against Tranmere in the Cheshire (and Merseyside, apparently) Senior Cup.