Wednesday, 30 November 2011

Kendal Town vs Chester FC - Match Report

Chester didn't take on Kendal Town last night as they continue their assault on the Evo Stik Northern Premier Title.

Following speculation that the game might go ahead, the match finally didn't kick off at 7.45.  Chester weren't missing George Horan, who didn't sit out the first match of a four game suspension, primarily due to the fact that there wasn't one.  Meanwhile, goalkeeper John Danby went another 90 minutes without conceding a goal.

Manager Neil Young had a major selection headache - given that there was no match, Mrs Young gave him the option of either going to the theatre with her mother or staying in and watching Desperate Scousewives on Sky Plus.

"Absolutely dreadful choices.  I haven't seen that Scousewifes thing, but I'd bet it's absolute shrubbery packets," said Neil Young, in a bizarre attempt to coin a new phrase.

"I left her to it and ate a Toblerone instead.  Technically, I'd bought it for Gaz Powell for Christmas, but he never gets me anything, so he can whistle for it.  It was proper tasty."

With no Blues match to follow, many CFC fans turned their attention to the clash of Corby and North Ferriby, knowing that Chester are to face the winner in the first round of the FA Trophy.  Awaiting news of who had emerged victorious was a less-than-thrilling experience for some fans.

"Okay, so we'll play the winner in the next round, but that just means it was a bit like when you ask someone to surprise you when they've asked if you want anything from the low-fat vending machine.  Hardly an exciting wait that one, is it?  You know it's not gonna be a Lion Bar," moaned bored fan Henry Panini-Press.

Eventually, North Ferriby won the match, which means we get to play that lot again and Kendal found a scary shark in their centre circle.

Tuesday, 29 November 2011

Blues in Brief

(Those of you looking for MC Neil Young, click here)

Kendal Town vs Chester FC - Match Preview
Yeah, it's not happening.

Wilde Child
Congratulations to star striker Michael Wilde on the birth of his son, Kaiden.

“It’s absolutely belting news and I’m made up, but I’m not sure how long I can pretend to laugh at people who joke about signing him up. That one's already wearing a bit thin,” remarked Wilde.

Bookmakers have slashed odds on PA announcer Rob Clegg mentioning the news at least twice at Saturday’s game against Worksop, complete with a witty pun.

We're the vaguely well-known in its own city Chester FC and there's still an outside chance of Wemberly
The Blues have been drawn away to the winners of Corby vs North Ferriby in the first round of the FA Trophy.

“Jeepers creepers,” bemoaned Young.

“I’m getting proper sick of these tiresome draws in cup competitions. I was really looking forward to tackling a hangover at The Racecourse at midday on a Sunday, being marshalled by North Wales police all day and taking on a team who are full time and top of the Conference. Now we’ve got a winnable game in the middle of nowhere. Still, at least it’s not an Ashton team.”

In related news, recent polls confirmed that over 65% of people who typically attend a Wrexham v Chester fixture would class The Business, featuring Danny Dyer, as "quite good".

Capital Punishment
Antoni Sarcevic was arrested on Saturday evening after the Grammar Police finally caught up with the talented midfielder. The former Crewe man has been charged with ‘needlessly using a capital letter at the start of each word on his Tweets’.

“It’s a blow for Sarce, but I must admit that poor grammar really bugs me and we have previously discussed this with him,” revealed Pat Your Husky.

“He’ll be educated and released,” commented PC Full Stop.

Boring name
The Jestrian contacted Bill Smith yesterday for a reaction to the news that he’s been elected onto the Chester FC Board.

Smith, who didn't actually attend the AGM at which he was elected said, “Hmm, I’m on the board?  ...Is that the football club? ...Ah yes I remember now. Yeah, chuffed to bits. When’s the next meeting?”.

The Jestrian has shelved plans to use Brill Quiff as an alternative name for Smith, after an angry Michael Powell filed a copyright suit, claiming a monopoly on all quiff-mentions on the Jestrian.

Monday, 28 November 2011

Young MC

Neil Young may have taken Chester FC to the top of the EvoStik Northern Premier and through to the first round proper of the FA Trophy, but it appears the Blues Supremo has more than one string to his bow.  Over the weekend, The Jestrian received a leak of Neil Young's first foray into the world of hip-hop and can now share this with the world.

Go fetch your headphones, then get a load of this - MC Neil Young spitting and flowing to the beats of BiG Lupus, featuring a very special guest rapper.  Enjoy.

Neil Young vs Notoriously Big Lupus - Merseyrail Hardnut

Friday, 25 November 2011

A Few Good Board Members

Mark Howells and Geoff Banks were given a vote of confidence last night as they were voted back onto the board of Chester Football Club.

Media junkie Banks has been a popular and successful figure for most of his first 18 months, though came under fire after the Blues began to charge for multimedia packages such as NATV and Blues Live.

Earlier in the week during his re-election campaign tour, when pressed for the truth behind the Blues Player subscription fee by the Jestrian, Banks erupted;

"You can't handle the truth! Son, we live in a city that has walls. And those walls have to be guarded by ornamental clocks, apparently.  I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for NATV and you curse the CFU. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that that subscription fee, while tragic, probably wins us promotion. And my suits, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, will win us promotion... You don't want the truth. Because deep down, in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on the board. You need me on the board.

"We use words like honour, code, loyalty.  We use these words as the backbone to a life spent building a football club. You use 'em as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps supporting the very football club I provide, then questions the manner in which I provide it! I'd rather you just said thank you and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you put on a suit and stand for election. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to!

"Besides, you can still follow the games on The Tall Peacock's Twitter feed."

Howells’s re-election, meanwhile, means that he will continue his role Tweeting about Youth Team games in a greater depth than the first team games are covered.

"I like to make sure all the Tweets go on Facebook too.  People love their news feeds being full of stuff about how Matty Murphy has just missed a half-chance or how Joe Ormrod has just played a nice pass."

Along with the two stalwarts, some guy called Bill Smith has also been voted onto the board, which is a complete comedy dead-end, thanks.

Chester take on Stourbridge in the FA Trophy tomorrow, and given that Stourbridge have just dumped Plymouth Argyle out of the FA Cup, it seems likely that the Blues won't have any cup competitions to moan about this time next week.

Thursday, 24 November 2011

Chester FC vs Ashton United - "Match" Report

Chester went top of the league last night, winning 1-0 following a Liam Brownhill wonderstrike.

Nothing else happened.

You would expect in a match report that featured the term "Liam Brownhill wonderstrike" that there would be all kinds of crazy stuff going on, but as the final whistle went, confirming Chester as lead leaders, most fans clapped as wearily as they would have had Chester ground out a 1-1 draw in the Doodson Cup.

Even irrepressible chatter-packet Neil Young couldn't find anything to say about the game, and swerved his post-match interview sending Gary Powell out to face questioning instead.

"He didn't even think the game was worthy of sending Gary Jones, (Young's assistant manager) to speak to you," an apologetic Powell told reporters.

The game featured no flashpoints - not one yellow card was issued, despite Michael Powell completing the full 90 - and most fans were comatose by the 70 minute mark.  Substitute Michael Wilde was clocked doing that thing where you put a Malteaser on your mouth, tilt your head back and blow in order to make it hover, and was visibly irritated when Young asked him to take to the pitch.

"I'd bet Wildey he couldn't hover the Malteaser for three minutes," explained fellow sub Jerome Wright.

"He made it to two minutes, 31 seconds and then Youngy put him on, cutting him short.  He was fuming."

Chester take yet another break from the league on Saturday, as they travel to Stourbridge in the FA Trophy.  Stourbridge are not the same as that Stourport Swifts lot that we played a few years ago, but the first syllable is officially similar.

Wednesday, 23 November 2011

Chester FC vs Ashton United - Match Blimp

Chester return to action tonight to face Ashton United at the Exacta, buoyed by Saturday’s rout of Matlock Town.

“We’ve beaten them twice already this season. At least, I think it was them? Anything to do with Ashton baffles me,” groaned Young.

“There's so many Ashton teams.  I’m hoping the wife isn’t getting suspicious. She’s asked me about all the Ashton games and the many Ashton scouting missions I attend.  There's an unrealistic amount of them, she doesn't believe it's all football-related, even though it's the truth.

"I've started trying to come up with more believable excuses.  I think I got away with it when I said I was simply weighing up a return for Neil Ashton but maybe I was pushing my luck when I said I was going to Gary Powell’s for an Ashton Kutcher movie marathon night. Me and Powelly do love 'Dude, Where's My Car?', though.”

Young’s squad has looked increasingly healthy over the last couple of weeks with injured players returning and some new arrivals boosting the numbers.

“It’s hard to get in the team these days,” conceded Iain Howard.

“I’ll play anywhere, but everyone is playing well at the moment that if anyone does anything wrong then they're out. I think Neil overheard me and Smiggs ripping him about his over-sized puffer jacket at training last week, then we turn up on Saturday and we’re both on the Judi Dench. Bit harsh, that. Can’t he take a joke?”

When questioned about how he picks the team, Young confirmed that it’s mainly down to form and fitness. The Blues supremo also confirmed that players jobs can also affect selection, and that his puffer jacket “is big, but designed purely for warmth.”

“It’s really snuggly,” growled Young as he strode angrily towards his car, staring at the ground.

A win for Chester will take them top, and looks increasingly likely now that the players aren't continually spannering easy chances wide of the target anymore.  Some have even started claiming goals that probably didn't go in.

"My goal on Saturday was definitely over the line," said Luke Holden, and Luke Holden alone.

In other team news, Kyle Wilson is not expected to start, having left at the end of last season.

Tuesday, 22 November 2011

Deva Chat is really stupid

Steadily declining unofficial fans forum The DevaChat has finally crossed under the line between "bit of a joke" and "plain ridiculous" on the Stupid Spectrum, say scientists at the Royal Institute of Making Up Spectrums.
"It was teetering on the edge for some time," said Dr Edwin Cauliflowers.
"But this week, it's finally taken the plunge."
Factors involved in The DevaChat's tumble include tedious threads about politics, posters mentioning their personal lives in threads which don't warrant it and a run of tiresome puns about Matty McNeil being a postman, which was duplicated less than a month later.
"Posters seem to love to derail threads with a series of tenuous and awful puns," commented Dr Edwin Swedes.
"The fact is, the only funny pun about McNeil being a postie is that he's a good striker, cos that really annoys the postmen on The DevaChat.  And there's loads of them on there.  Probably because they're on strike."
With the situation at near-boiling point, things finally tipped over into the Plain Ridiculous Threshold as fans went scouring Jamie Rainford's Facebook page, not just to see if he'd made derogatory comments about CFC, but also to rag on his taste in music and books.
"They picked up on the fact that he had Justin Bieber as one of his favourite musicians," relayed Dr Edwin Butternuts.
"I think if you're that obsessed with taking shots at an individual, maybe you have issues?  Someone posted a video of a top goal Rainford scored for Halifax, but most people only watched it to see whether or not he had a tinge of regret in his eyes."
Meanwhile, certain fans have been criticised for posting negative and speculative comments.
"Our little soliders should only be given praise," said super-fan Heston Flashdance.
"Positive reinforcement, they call it in schools.  Okay, The DevaChat is an unofficial message board for fans to discuss the club, but what if players log on looking for feedback on their performance and it's not 100% glowing tributes?  That can mess a child up for life you know.  I bet Neil Young will be giving everyone a Participation Trophy at the end of the season, regardless of whether we win the league."
It has been suggested by the CFC Anti-Free Speech Movement that the following topics should be outlawed:
  • Players who are playing badly
  • Players who are playing well (in case the players who aren't mentioned get upset)
  • Wages
  • Players who may be leaving the club
  • Neil Young's lack of hair
  • Michael Powell's quiff (in case Neil Young is jealous)
  • Your preferred starting XI (imagine how you'd feel logging on to find you didn't make chesterboi's first team)
It has also been suggested that if you like to meet up with your friends for a drink after the game, you should keep it to yourself.  But that one is fair enough.

Monday, 21 November 2011

Chester FC vs Matlock Town - Rinsing Report

Chester kept up the pressure on leaders Northwich with an impressive four goal demolition of Matlock Town on Saturday afternoon.

Neil Young shuffled his pack, which included handing on-loan striker James Ellison his home debut and awarding star signing Antoni Sarcevic his second debut. Popular opinion seemed to suggest that Sarcevic's return would add an extra couple of hundred to the gate, alluding to a previously unnoticed boycott called the 'We Don't Return Til Sarcevic Does Co-Operative'. 

“I got a text on Friday afternoon and I must admit I come over all giddy,” rasped Devachatter ‘sarceishome’.

“I pulled over on the hard shoulder on the way home from work, just to do some breathing exercises. The kids wanted me to take them out when I got in, but I ignored them and went straight upstairs to the computer and watched "Sarce’s Best Moments in Blue" on Windows Media Player, a video montage that I created myself. Sarce is home.”

Chester Nomads U10s sponsored the game (and everything vaguely related to the game) and were rewarded with a photo with Former Players Association guru Gary Talbot.

“We didn’t even tell him we were at home today” remarked concerned board member The Dark Owl.

“He just keeps turning up, at everything."

Reports suggest that Grenville Millington was seething that he missed the photo opportunity;

“He thought that he and Gary were a team,” confirmed a close family friend.

The early exchanges of the match were dreadfully scrappy and boredom set in. Michael Powell took advantage a lull in play to Tweet another picture of his new puppy, and Neil Young and Gary Powell were overheard discussing the new dance routine that Dermot does prior to his spin. Jerome Wright did do some light stretches by the corner flag, but quickly lost interest and took to constructing a watercolour-pastel painting depicting his frustration at not making the starting 11.

Chester broke the deadlock midway through the first period, as Liam Brownhill lofted an inviting delivery to the back post and Matty McNeil rose highest to powerfully head the ball past the goalkeeper. Brownhill ran over to the recipient of his cross and yelped “You might be really, REALLY old, but that was class,” before high fiving the languid veteran.

The home side took control of the contest from this point onwards and even Michael Taylor came close with a thunderous 25 yard volley.

“Tay Tay can do dat - that’s just how he rolls,” drawled Taylor.

On 56 minutes, McNeil doubled his tally for the day with a close range finish following some neat footwork. 74% of the home attendance likened the goal to something that Lionel Messi would produce, but it’s Matty McNeil for goodness sake.

The Blues pummelled the Gladiators for the second period, as John Fashanu and Ulrika Johnson lacked the tactical nous required to implement a system to stop Young’s rampant men, and their day was summed up late in the game when a cheeky lob from Luke Holden deceived the goalkeeper and was deemed by the linesman to have crossed the line. Rather than cheers, the goal was met with rapturous laughter as it was clear to everyone in the ground that it never landed beyond the line and lip reading experts even quoted Holden as saying “Stone me, he’s actually given that? Seriously?”

Michael Wilde was back, once again, although the Harry Mac Terrace resisted pleas from PA announcer Nut Megg to sing the chorus from Take That’s ‘Back for Good’. The loveable club ambassador marked his return with a well taken header from an Iain Howard delivery to wrap up a comprehensive home win.

“Yes it’s true, that was a great win, but it was a right nightmare getting away from the car park,” argued Young.

“The council should do something about it, and we should use that second exit – totally ruined the day.”

Finally, Michael Powell got booked at some point in the game.  Obviously.

Friday, 18 November 2011

Chester FC vs Matlock Town FC - Match Sniff

Chester make a welcome return to the Exacta Stadium on Saturday as they face Matlock Town FC.

Skipper George Horan is expected to play, after he was dismissed in the recent Nonsense Cup game at Hednesford.  Earlier in the week, Chester Chronicle reporter The Tall Peacock tweeted that Neil Young anticipates that Horan will miss four games, starting with the away trip to Kendal on the 29th.

“He tells me all kinds of things,” beamed The Peacock.

“I’m privy to the sort of information that the rest of you can only dream of. Me and Youngy are well tight.”

According to recent surveys, The Tall Peacock has now displaced long time favourites Real Turnips and Tennis Ball as the fans’ media personality of choice, with his tech-savvy reporting, tactical cosying up to Neil Young and his match day tweet-battle with the official club Twitter feed for who can report line-ups and goals first.

Matlock will be a stiff test as they lie in sixth place in the league, and the Gladiators have plenty of firepower with Ian Holmes who has nine goals to his name for the season.

“They’ve got plenty of options.  Rhino has been dangerous over the years, Trojan just never stops and Saracen is also a real threat.  We all know about Wolf too – the lad is tall, aggressive and is rarely beaten on the rings,” warned Young, clearly confused about the Gladiators nickname.

Reports that John Fashanu will turn up to shout “Awooga” for no apparent reason, at arbitrary points during the game, are as yet unconfirmed.

Thursday, 17 November 2011

Murray Christmas come early?

Allegedly drunken tweets on Monday indicated that Suited Media Boy Jiff Bricks has reignited his off-again-on-again relationship with Famous Colin Murray.

Famous Colin Murray, best known as the presenter late night panel show Street Cred Sudoku, is one of Chester's most famous backers along with fellow BBC sports pundit Famous Jonathan Legard.  Murray took an interest in Chester when the new club was formed, regularly mentioning the team on his radio programme, which featured Famous Pat Nevin and Famous Perry Groves.

The trio took in the odd game at the Exacta and provided financial backing in exchange for Nevin and Groves being amusingly named as unused substitutes in every home game.  Murray's main role at the club was to allow Bricks to act like they were best mates.

However, as the second season began, Murray's Chester involvement started to dwindle as he regularly sent Bricks messages saying "we'll meet up soon" and "sorry, I've just been really busy."  Meanwhile, Michael Wilde's current injury is believed to be a smokescreen for the striker to get his life back on track, following his distress due to the fact that Murray doesn't mention him weekly on his radio show anymore.

Many fans had taken to believing that the Northern Irish Murray had given up on Chester, choosing instead to refocus his attentions on his local team Liverpool.  However a tweet from Bricks on Monday, stating that Famous Colin Murray had thanked him for letting him be part of the club during some awards dinner type affair, has sprung hope amongst Chester faithful that the Special Relationship is not finished.

"I'm looking forward to him mentioning us on his radio show again, so that I can be the first to tell people on DevaChat that he said our name," glowed exile Geraldine Seesaw.

It is now expected that Murray may host the end of season dinner again, with The Jestrian's odds of being awarded the gig dropping to 7/1.  This makes The Jestrian third favourite behind Murray, at odds-on favourite, and Amelia Lily, who has emerged as a surprise second favourite.

Wednesday, 16 November 2011

Skipper demonstrates commitment by making irrelevant cup tie disastrously relevant

 Chester crashed out of That Dude's Son's Cup last night away to promotion rivals Hednesford Town.

The competition was widely considered to be the most unnecessary of this season's cup campaigns as it doesn't involve Wembley (FA Trophy) and isn't hilarious (Cheshire Senior Cup).  Nevertheless, as one of only four chances this season to win a trophy, it shouldn't be sneered at says captain George Horan.

"I'm angry that people think it doesn't matter," growled the centre back.

Two hours later he picked himself up a red card, meaning that he will miss four league matches.

"See?  It matters," Horan triumphantly stated as he headed for an early bath.

Manager Neil Young was noticeably irritated.  As Horan exited the pitch, Young was seen deliberately stepping outside the lines of his technical area as a taunt to the referee.

"We're without George for four matches, which is a massive blow.  On the plus side, we'll probably manage to win the Fair Play Award again now.  Maybe I should injure Michael Powell to make sure.  Might mess with the settings on his treadmill.  Classic antics," smirked Young

Chester eventually succumbed to a 3-1 defeat meaning that they are now out of both the cups that they conceivably could have won, and suddenly it seems like we all should have cared a lot more.

Tuesday, 15 November 2011

Hednesford Town Vs Chester FC - Match Preview

Chester inconveniently face Hednesford Town in the Doodson Cup tonight, aiming to build on Saturday’s impressive victory against Whitby.

Neil Young is set to use his full squad in order to rest key players and give others who actually care about the game a chance to play.

“It’s getting out of hand, I mean The Doodson Cup for goodness' sake.  I bet it will be really cold too,” said Gary Jones, filling in for Neil Young as he is busy 'not giving two hoots about a Doodson Cup, anyway'.

“We’ve promoted a couple of the kids for this game, but to be honest with you I can’t remember their names and Neil’s not answering his phone.”

Christian Smith revealed that the players used to weekend in Whitby as a chance to stage competitions ascertaining who will play the Hednesford fixture;

“Youngy said whoever wins the most games on FIFA 12 gets to sit out the game on Tuesday, and we all know Smiggs is FIFA king. I even played as Barnet against Matty McNeil just to give him a chance, but I think he’s still on FIFA 98 on the PS1 – get with the times, old man,” rapped the midfielder.

Reports also surfaced of a tense game of Hungry Hippos between the club's goalkeepers. Adam Judge was unfortunate to lose out, rendering him a dead cert for the starting 11.

On the journey home, Wesley Baynes and Liam Brownhill contested a round of Pop-up Pirate on the team coach, but the atmosphere turned sour after Brownhill inserted a sword, triggering the release of the pirate.  The ex-Droylsden man vigorously protested that an unusually large speed bump had caused the pirate to pop-up, insisting that it was nothing to do with his choice of slot on the barrel.

“I said it was best of three but Wes is having none of it. I’ve been robbed,” ranted Brownhill.

"Liam’s been unfortunate but we’ve all been there.  You pick your slot and once the Pirate is up, there’s not a lot you can do about it,” sympathised Neil Young.

The Blues fell to a late defeat at Keys Park earlier in the season and most observers would expect The Pitmen to be challenging for the promotion places in the league. As such, the Hednesford boss Rob Smith may challenge Neil Young to a sneaky game of "Who Can Field The Most Reserves?" 

Nonetheless, the football club is the pride of the town, although this is mainly due to the fact that there is nothing else in Hednesford.

“I started typing ‘Hednesford’ on Google and the football club was the first suggestion. That never happens,” mused disproportionately popular Chester Chronicle personality, The Tall Peacock.

“Guess I’ll be there doing the Tweets. Gotta think of the overtime at this time of the year.”

Monday, 14 November 2011

Blues in Brief

Whitby Town 0-4 Chester FC - Match Report
Chester beat Whitby 4-0 on Saturday.  So yeah... that happened...

A dull and Drury affair
ITV 'commentator' Peter Drury angered Chester fans this weekend when he made ill-informed comments explaining Chester's absence from the FA Cup.

During the televised FC Halifax vs Charlton clash, which many Chester fans watched in the hope of finding excuses to slate Jamie Rainford, Drury incorrectly and disrespectfully slurred that Chester were not in this year's FA Cup due to "various misdemeanours over the years."

In retaliation, CFC media man Jeff Building Societies announced that Drury would be replaced by Clive Tyldesley for ITV's next batch of live football due to "numerous acts of treachery and mischief spanning several decades."

"Two can play that game," he snarled.

Taking a pun-t on Holden
Luke Holden has tempered expectations that he may sign permanently after publically announcing that he is fed up with team-mates making puns on his name.

"It all started with Youngy telling me to Holden to the ball when I have space.  Then John Danby started talking about when he played for Chester City in the Holden days.  When I came on as a sub for Jerome Wright on debut, Cleggy announced that the substitution was 'Holden, on for a hero'.  I wouldn't have minded, but it was an away game, I don't even know how he got hold of the mic."

The Jestrian asked Gary Jones about the situation;

"Holden?  There's Amanda have in your team!" roared the assistant boss before wheeling away and high-fiving Gary Powell.

Reports have also surfaced that on Thursday, Robbie Booth turned up singing Oasis's Stop Crying Your Heart Out, but with the lyrics "Holdeeeeeeeeen.  Holdeeeeeeeeen.  Don't be scared."

In breaking news, the joke is now widely accepted as having gone too far after events at pub quiz last night, attended by Holden, Alex Brown, Liam Brownhill, Michael Taylor and CEO Cluttery Path.  When asked the question "which football league team plays its home games at Boundary Park?", Alex Brown hilariously wrote the answer 'Holden Athletic', causing his team to miss out on the £100 cash prize by one point.  Angered, Taylor went to punch Brown for his japery before the midfielder warned him, "don't mess with me, I'm scary."

Fringe benefits
In a staggeringly frank interview, Michael Powell has admitted that he is reluctant for Chester FC to win promotion this year.

"It's a tough conflict of interests, as we get loads of free Evo-Stik products in this league, and I use their 'Super Fix Putty' to maintain my quiff.  If we get promoted to the Blue Square, I'm going to lose that perk.  Maybe I'll be able to get a free bet, win a shedload of cash, then I can buy a big bucket of Super Fix Putty straight from the Evo-Stik warehouses, but it's not a sure thing.  I miss the Southport days.  I was paid a fair whack there, and could afford to buy No More Nails.  My hair has never looked better."

Friday, 11 November 2011

Whitby Town vs Chester FC - Japes Preview

The Blues return to league action at Whitby on Saturday, a place best known for being one of the filming locations for ITV1 snooze-fest Heartbeat.

“Bet they’ve got Green Grass at their ground” grinned Neil Young with a twinkle in his eye, whilst nudging reporters, hoping that they’d get the joke.

Young’s men travel to the Turnbull Stadium, so-named after Chelsea goalkeeper Ross Turnbull, hoping to recover from the late defeat at Bradford PA, and have every reason to be confident. Whitby, boringly nicknamed ‘The Blues’, have lost seven games on the trot and are languishing third from bottom in the league, despite reports of completely bossing every game they’ve played.

Chester will need to improve their finishing if they want to start picking up points again, and this has led Chris Simm to do some extra work after training;

“I’ve been playing Roberto Baggio’s Magical Kicks online,” said the striker, whilst every journalist nodded nostalgically, and made a mental note to Google it when they got home.

Michael Powell and George Horan are expecting to shake off knocks to recover for the clash, guaranteeing that the game will see at least two yellow cards.

“It’s not every week you get to play against ex-Premiership players like Andy Campbell (former Middlesborough goal-every-twelve-games striker) – count me in,” barked the Skipper.

John Danby is also set to return in place of Timmy Judge, if he can re-schedule his personal trainer appointments.

“I didn’t realise there were two Whitbys,” confessed the shot stopper.

“I’m just starting a business and I’ve got a couple booked in for Saturday morning thinking that I’d easily get to Whitby (Ellesmere Port) in time, but then Neil mentioned that the coach would pick us up, which seemed a little off.  Then Simmo reckoned we’d be stopping for a pint in the Aidensfield Arms on the way back and that’s when I thought ‘hang on, It’s the Heartbeat place’.  I’ve told Simmo that the Aidensfield Arms is fictional, and so is Gina – he’s gutted. Think he thought that Bellamy would be stewarding.”.

Reporters also quizzed manager Young about possible changes to the personnel that lined up at Stalybridge in midweek but soon fathomed that the manager was playing one of his familiar games;

“A little bit of Danby in my life, a little bit of Brownhill by my side, a little bit of Howard’s what I see.”

Young and the gaggle of reporters ripped up laughing halfway through “a little of bit of Tay Tay in the sun.”

Thursday, 10 November 2011

A Community Club

The City Fans United have continually come up with new ways of getting the local community involved in the football club, the most recent of example of this being the formation of a spate of new clubs, societies and classes, which will be run by or hosted by Chester FC.

Hot on the heels of announcements about computer literacy courses, THE CFU have further revealed that they will be staging photography classes and, at the request of manager Neil Young, Zumba sessions.

"The missus has been on at me about the fact I work two jobs, but this way we can spend more time together.  I'll come down for matches or training, and Mrs Young can do a spot of Zumba whilst she waits.  I don't know much about it, but apparently it's known as 'exercise in disguise' which, coincidentally, is my name for the Cheshire Senior Cup," commented the Blue Chief.

Further to this, a gardening club has been unveiled, and is expected to be a big hit.

"Gardening has become very popular amongst the lads," explained Young.

"John Danby has been asking visiting strikers not to enter his area as he's just re-seeded the six yard boxes.  We had to discipline Robbie Booth as he missed training in order to enter a "biggest marrow" competition at a fete.  He won, and the marrow was spectacular, but rules are rules and you have to train, no matter what vegetable competitions catch your eye.  We congratulated him, but fined him one delicious marrow.  Me and Powelly (Gary Powell) had a right feast."

Meanwhile, rumours have emerged that Jamie Rainford's comments on The Facebook were an attempt to get himself placed on gardening leave, having bought an allotment in response to the gardening craze currently sweeping the Blues squad.

Other ideas for clubs and classes have been bandied around by THE CFU, with the apparent trend being towards things that have as little to do with football as possible.

"Oh, we've got loads in the pipeline," said CEO Pat 'Chariots' Cluskey.

"Yodelling club (with the Blues), that's a good one.  How to use a Spirit Level (with the Blues) - excited about that one.  Erm... Learning the real names of cutlery (with the Blues)... I don't know about you, but I can't tell the difference between a dessert spoon and a soup spoon!  We've got How to draw the animals onto Animal Biscuits (with the Blues), How to properly use a semi-colon (with the Blues) and finally a soccer skills school.  Not 'with the Blues' though, that last one."

Wednesday, 9 November 2011

Stalybridge Celtic 2-1 Chester FC - Match Melée

Stalybridge Celtic dumped Chester out of the Cheshire Senior Cup last night, in a 2-1 victory that not many fans mourned, if truth be told.

The game got off to a stuttering start when both managers turned up a team of over-65s, having misunderstood the competition's moniker.

After each manager gave a quick ring around to his first team squad, enough players turned up for the game to get underway.  Within a matter of minutes, Stalybridge had taken the lead, Craig Hobson firing a beauty past Timmy Judge, playing his first game of the season.  A second goal was added shortly after and was so bland that it defies description.

Having gone in 2-0 down, Chester's second half performance caused a scare, mostly for the 200 or so fans whose blood ran cold at the thought of having to suffer through extra time should the Blues manage to pull it back to 2-2.  These worries were exacerbated when newbie Luke Holden bagged his first for the club with around ten minutes remaining.  As Chester went in search of a second, Neil Young was seen half-heartedly and unconvincingly urging his men forward.

"We definitely want to stay in this competition!" he was heard to shout.

Moments later, Michael Taylor, the only over-65 remaining from the original squad, missed a golden chance to make it 2-2, and every man in the ground breathed an audible sigh of relief, including Taylor himself.

"We're disappointed to be out," said boss Neil Young.

"But we’ve so many cup runs going, it's no great loss.  The volume of cup competitions is well-documented as being 'silly'.  We actually had to drop out of the Cortez Belle Open Invitational Trophy to play here tonight, and next year we'll be eligible for both the FA Cup and the Cillit Bang Remarkably Clean Cup.  I was offered a cup of tea earlier, and I automatically turned it down on the basis that we couldn't fit it into our schedule.  I'm fuming - I really could have done with that brew.  Gary Jones had one and he said it was dead good.  Pyramid bags and real sugar."

Tuesday, 8 November 2011

Stalybridge Celtic vs Chester FC - Tedium Preview

Right, there's another cup game tonight.  This is the one that has teams near Chester in it and doesn't involve Wembley.

Chester play Stalybridge Celtic in a game that literally no-one seems to be talking about.

"We have a game?" queried a surprised Michael Taylor.

"I should probably look into that."

Recent polls confirm that the tie has come 34th in a survey of the most tedious things you can do in November, falling just behind a wet weekend in Grimsby and Neil Young’s Mersey Rail self-assessment report presentation to shareholders.

“I remember the horrors of Cambridge away in the LDV Vans but when they announced this tie it really was a chilling moment” cried supporters coach regular Brenda Boiledsweet.

In the previous Senior Cup tie at Hyde, Gary Jones got bored and moved into the stand.

“I lose interest in some of these cup games” chuckled the jowly assistant.

“I sat at the top of the stand and tried to hit Gary Powell on the head with some chips I'd bought, just to liven things up. I got close a few times, including getting Wildey by mistake with a crispy one and then BOOM, Gaz turned around and I got him good style right on the conk.  We caught eye contact and both ripped up laughing – he loves a bit of that sort of thing, although Youngy was less than amused."

Early reports suggest that Senior Cup bigwigs have already singled out the chip incident to be included in the montage of highlights at the end of the competition.

An injury crisis at the club has restricted Young’s rotation options which could cause some tired legs come the end of this hectic month.

“Obviously Jamie’s gone which I’ve heard has had a lot of 'thumbs-up likes' on Facebok but it does leave us short of strikers. It’s easy to panic and sign someone like Michael Clarke or Nick Rogan at this time of the year, so it’s important we liaise with our scouts and see if there’s a boy out there who can enhance the squad” explained Young.

“And it’s too late to go grovelling to Gregga now, he’d have done us a job for sure.”

Former Chester City manager Jim Harvey is in charge at Stalybridge and has with him former Blues including Lloyd Ellams and Tim Ryan.  Harvey continues to command quite the reputation at Chester, despite having only managed City for a few minutes.

"It's a disgrace that we hired Neil Young, when Jim Harvey exists," grumbled one fan who is in two minds as to who to support tonight.

"He's a manager who we had once, and who has managed in the non-leagues a bit, and that's enough for my expert opinion.  Sack the board."

Harvey, who works full time, for full time outfit Stalybridge, has taken Celtic to the top of the Conference North, but fans who know better still think he might prefer to come ply his trade for a semi-pro outfit further down the non-league structure.

"You can't tell me that Harvs wouldn't prefer to spend half his time in some admin job, making the bills meet," insisted Harry Mac regular Gerry McSplash

Kick off at Bower Fold is 19:45, if anyone is actually going. For anyone who needs deterring any further, the tie goes to extra time and penalties if the first 90 minutes don't yield a result, and providing none of the players are working nights.

Monday, 7 November 2011

Chester FC 2-0 Stafford Rangers - Match Hoot

Chester returned to winning ways, and continued their march towards Wembley by overcoming Stafford 2-0 in the FA Trophy on Saturday.

In a game where the Stafford fans actually brought a dog with them, to try and make it look a real Sunday league affair, left winger Luke Holden also made his debut, as Neil Young strengthened the one position that didn't need it.

In the wake of controversial comments made by out of favour striker Jamie Rainford and his associates on social networking sites, Chronicle journalist Raul Meal-Socks tweeted that Young had joked before the game that the match had been sponsored by Facebook, thereby stealing our punchline.  A journalist for the Jestrian was ejected from the ground shortly afterwards for attempting to take revenge on the Blues manager.

"We apprehended the culprit trying to break into the changing room in order to deliver the teamtalk before Neil got there," explained head steward Timmy Perks.

Once the match, sponsored by Facebook, started, Chester continued their recent habit of hilariously missing easy chances.  Jerome Wright was the main culprit this time, choosing the moment that he was presented with an open goal as the perfect time to publically air a well-chiselled comedy trip.  At the end of a frustrating first half, Chester won themselves a penalty, and Matty McGinn converted coolly his first spot-kick since his permanent signing, having scored four during his loan spell at the club.

"To be honest, the penalty situation has been upsetting.  We were getting loads when I was on loan, so I signed up.  Since then, nothing.  It's sort of like going out with a girl who you think is amazing, so you marry her and then it turns out she doesn't win loads of penalties after all," said Matty McGinn, giving up on his similie half-way through it.

And Chester doubled their lead at the start of the second half, Robbie Booth scored from a rebounded Jerome Wright effort. It was chance that would have been harder to miss than score, but that is no guarantee of anything just at the moment.

With the game apparently safe, Chester set about picking up some bookings, in order to let the ref do some colouring in his notebook.  With Michael Taylor already booked, Michael Powell was feeling rather left out and grabbed his traditional tame yellow, Christian Smith was booked for refusing to remove his shades and Matty McGinn was booked for trying to explain his aforementioned failed similie to the referee.

The game ended 2-0, but manager Young found himself having to field more questions about Facebook.

"I don't know what goes on on these sites.  I cancelled my account when I got a bit too into playing Bejewelled Blitz," confessed the boss.

Friday, 4 November 2011

Chester FC vs Stafford Rangers - Match Preview

Chester take a break from league action tomorrow, when they take on Stafford Rangers in the FA Trophy. The Blues secured a 3-0 win at Marsden Road earlier in the season but after failing to win in the previous two matches, confidence is fragile.

Neil Young may shuffle his pack after the disappointing loss at Bradford on Wednesday where his strikers missed a hatful of chances. On the subject of chances, the popular opinion seems to be that striker Jamie Rainford is fast running out of them. Following the Bradford game, the genius took to Facebook to vent his frustration at being dropped from the team despite having scored a goal on Saturday, and declared himself to be "past caring".  This incensed certain sections of Chester support so gravely that you'd be forgiven for thinking that caring is now the only criterion required to wear the blue and white shirt.

"I had a questioning technique when dealing with potential signings, but that's all changed since I read The Devachat this week," admitted Young.

"Now I’m gonna just say 'D'ya care? A lot?' and if the answer is yes then that's good enough for me.”

Rainford's behaviour has had a positive impact on Chris Simm who can now feasibly not score for the rest of the season, nipple twist Barry Hipkiss and sleep with a team mate's wife without the fans batting an eyelid, so long as he continues to not be Jamie Rainford.

In advance of tomorrow's match against Stafford, Neil Young was quizzed on whether changes would be made, with it being a cup encounter.

"Ahhh jeez, it's in the cup?" groaned the Mersey Rail supremo.

"Nobody mentioned that to me. I was gonna take it dead seriously and everything. Might give Timmy Judge a game now."

Thursday, 3 November 2011

Bradford PA 2-1 Chester FC - Disaster Report

Chester crashed to defeat for the first time in 14 games last night, annoying all fans who expected the league to be a cake-walk.

As Chester descended on the Bradford Park Avenue's Horsfall Stadium, so named because it looks like a horse fell on it, it was clear that the evening would be a rancid affair.  Neil Young had the luxury of being able to name the starting eleven that we'd all plump for, and the players repaid him by missing a string of chances that Geoffrey Boycott's mum probably could have put away with a stick of rhubarb in her pinny, or something.

With the score at 0-0, Chris Simm used his newly cast-free wrist to full effect, as he sarcastically applauded a refereeing decision, earning himself a good booking.

And when, to the dismay of Mrs Boycott, Robbie Booth smashed a sitter over the bar, Bradford PA grew tired of Chester's ineptitude and chose to score a goal, just to liven things up a bit.  It was Richard Marshall who slipped the ball past John Danby, who having secured the club record for the most consecutive games without conceding, now appears to be experimenting with how many games he can go without keeping a clean sheet.

Having gone in 1-0 down, Chester started the second half well, Robbie Booth scoring a nice goal, and George Horan sporting a manly-looking bandage on his head.

Normal service was resumed moments later when Simm mis-hit a volley and as the strikers continued to misfire, Neil Young opted to change the front two with fifteen minutes to go, introducing Mike Wilde and Jamie Rainford.  Increasingly-hard-to-defend Rainford, who has regularly been urged to take a leaf out of Simm's book, subsequently obliged by hitting a similarly limp volley wide of the post.

Loads happened in the last couple of minutes, but the upshot of it all is that Bradford PA scored another goal and Chester lost.

As the final whistle went on a 2-1 defeat, Young was left fuming over his side's missed chances;

"If I wanted strikers who were consistently wide of the mark, I'd have signed Daily Mail columnist Richard Littlejohn," said the manager.

Wednesday, 2 November 2011

Bradford Park Avenue vs Chester FC - Match Preview

Chester make the trip to Bradford Park Avenue tonight knowing that victory will fire them to the top of the Evo Stik Premier league after Northwich were well beaten by quasi-homonyms Nantwich last night.

Manager Neil Young has options available to him as Michael Powell returns after his one match suspension, and the more reasonable, cultured CFC fans will admit that there was a lack of composure - and bookings - without the bouncy-haired poacher.

"I hate having to watch games. I ended up ordering Steps reunion tickets just to fulfil my weekly booking quota. Cost me a fortune, but Deeper Shade of Blue was a classic to be fair," confessed Powell.

The manager is under pressure to approach the encounter differently to Saturday's game, when the Blues had a lot of possession without any real penetration. When asked what Chester's tactical approach would be against Bradford PA, Young merely replied "We gonna give 'em a right doin'."

The Blues Head Honcho also has the dilemma of whether or not to recall Chris Simm to the starting line up, after the striker has had the plaster cast removed from his wrist.

"It was a relief to get rid of the cast," admitted Simm.

"It looked beaut when I came on on Saturday, with it coloured in pink, but then it dawned on me how ridiculous it was going to look in everyday life."

Simm's return would most likely necessitate Jamie Rainford being removed from the starting line up and this may be considered harsh on the former Marine who ended his dry spell with a well taken goal on Saturday.

"Rainy is raring to go but Simmo is pestering me to start him too. Whichever one of them I drop, it's going to feel like booting a puppy in the nose," bemoaned Young.

When quizzed about the possibility of dropping Michael Wilde, Young glared sternly at his interrogators and swiftly changed the subject, asking reporters what they thought of the bail-out package offered to Greece by the EU.

Chester will be relieved to be heading away from the Exacta Stadium after some spooky goings-on at the ground over Halloween. Harry Lipgloss was alone in the offices on Monday evening when the old Chester City fax machine suddenly sparked into life, churning out a reply from Bury FC politely declining the club's approach for David Nugent. There have also been several sightings of a ghostly figure spontaneously appearing around the ground in dark places, although this is widely believed to be another Alex Brown attempt to "put the willies up everyone".

Meanwhile, Neil Young got into the Halloween spirit on Monday by taking youngster Joe Ormrod out for a spot of trick-or-treating. The little fella was dressed as a spooky zombie from Michael Jackson's Thriller video, and Ormrod was a ghoul.

Bradford PA lie in 6th place in the league and go into the game following an impressive win against Kidsgrove. That's all the information we have on them.

Tuesday, 1 November 2011

A Judge on the bench

Goalkeeper Adam Judge has had so little to do this season, that this is probably the first time we've even uttered his name on the Jestrian.

 And as John Danby's deputy offered us an interview, we'd actually forgotten his first name, calling him Timmy Judge for 20 minutes before a nearby club official thought to offer a correction.

"It's tough, not getting a chance in the first team.  Some days, I'm waking up, looking in the mirror and saying 'you can do better than this, Timmy,’" said the shot-stopper, kindly sparing our blushes.

"At one point during the run of seven games without conceding, I thought I might never play football again.  How does a goalkeeper fight his way into a team that's not conceding goals?  Don't get me wrong, I tried to hire a hitman to wipe Danby out, but he gave up after finding it impossible to get past George Horan and Michael Taylor.  Turns out that even if you've got a gun, George will grapple with you."

Neil Young attempted to offer some words of encouragement to the frustrated 'keeper.

"Who?  Judds?  Jush?  Judge?  Judge... oh grief, Judgy, yeah, he's still around isn't he?  Blimey, I'd forgotten about him," said the Blues boss, turning to his assistant Gary Jones to check that Judge has still been turning up to training.

"Yeah, very much in our plans, is... erm... I want to say Timmy?" he continued.

Adam Judge spent a large portion of last season as Chester's number one, before being replaced at Radcliffe by bizarre one-off Josh Lennie.