Friday, 29 August 2014

Halls of Residence

The proposed signing of Freddy Hall by Chester FC has fallen through after it was announced that the goalkeeper had made outrageous demands regarding his accommodation, probably.

Reports from The Genius Farm (aka. Devachat) have suggested that the Bermudan shot-stopper, who has thus far represented the Blues for free, asked for a 12-bedroom mansion, called Freddy Hall, to be constructed for his usage on the outskirts of Saughall, in addition to a standard living wage.

"People are upset, because they think we've snotted the playing budget up the wall by signing former international footballers who are mates with the gaffer," said one fan.

"But no-one has taken into account the possibility that Freddy wanted a jacuzzi in his bedroom, funded by the club."

Hall's agent attempted to dispel these rumours, stating that the keeper would have stayed with a fan if the option was available. However, former Blues director Jiff Bricks moved to discredit the source in a Twitter conversation with journalist Jim Beam by euphemistically using the words "interesting character" then stating that "agents can be funny things..." and not finishing the sentence so that you can fill in the blanks as you please.

Other fans have been keen to point out the progress Chester FC has made since its reinception.

"You've gotta remember that, when Vaughan was here, we had players playing without being paid, and a club website which would churn out knee-jerk statements in response to Deva Chat topics, eulogising about how ace the chairman was," reminded C Blocker Hilary Breadbaskets.

"Look at how far we've come since then!"

With Hall out of the picture, Chester have instead signed Wales under 21 keeper Connor Roberts who, it has been reported, will live in a ditch.

"Freddy thought it beneath him to sleep in a grubby hole, but Connor's from Wrexham so he'll be used to it," confirmed manager Steve Burr.

Friday, 8 August 2014

Spending time just being Young

Former Chester FC manager Neil Young has revealed that he's "getting loads done" since his departure from the club midway through last season.

Young left the Blues by mutual consent after making a poor start to the season and after being made to manage whilst Jim Harvey strolled about the place with some non-descript role, which always seemed a bit sinister whatever slant you want to put on it.

"Obviously it was disappointing to leave," said the former Seal King. "But on the bright side, I've finally completed Coolboarders 2 on PS1."

"It took me days, but I eventually landed a 720 Stalefish in the halfpipe, just in time for Mrs Young to demand I take the bins out. She didn't seem to appreciate what I'd just achieved."

Young remains philosophical about the way that it ended with the Blues.

"You can mooch round the house kicking the skirting boards and devouring Chupa Chups, or you can just be happy with the model train set you've now been able to build in the loft," philosophised Young.

"I've made a replica of the Merseyrail set-up. Got some lovely die cast engines and used some green Chupa Chups as trees. Even got the dog to pee on it, so it smells the same as the real thing, too."

Not everyone is convinced that MC Puffer Coat is enjoying his time off however. Journalists Tennis Ball and The Tall Peacock have revealed that they have been receiving increasing numbers of texts and emails from Young.

"Yeah, I even had a voicemail the other day asking why I never want to talk any more," explained the Peacock. "He said I was dead keen when he was manager, but that now it's like I don't even care."

"Then he started doing the trumpet riff from One Less Problem by Ariana Grande feat. Iggy Azalea. Proper odd."

Former assistant Gary Jones has rubbished these claims.

"Nah Youngy's doing fine," bellowed 'Jonesy'. "I was round his the other night for a Scalextrics tournament.
He still puts on a barnstorming evening."

"He does seem to have developed a Chupa Chups addiction though."

Friday, 1 August 2014

"Budge it, Danby!"

Blues manager Steve Burr has confirmed that Chester will likely get relegated next season and that when they do, it'll well be John Danby's fault.

Danby is currently in the second year of a two year contract, which pays him £1m per week, or something like that, probably.  With the popular goalkeeper unable to train during the day under the club's new full time structure, Burr is keen to remove him from the wage bill, and bring in someone less talented but more unemployed. 

"Obviously situations like this are going to arise," admitted chairman the Phony Gherkin. 

"We're full time now, which was a stupid move, but Steve insisted he wouldn't take a part-time job, because he's 'not a sixth former'."

"Obviously we wanted to keep hold of the Burrmeister, because that helps me achieve my vision of having a bald Celt in charge of Chester FC. So the only thing to do was completely overhaul the way the club is run."

Though some may suggest that the overheads involved in employing Burr full time and changing the club so that it operates on a full time basis may have negatively impacted the playing budget, the Blues boss insists this is not the case.

"Nope, all John Danby's fault," confirmed Not Neil Young.

"The full time thing was necessary for this club, cos I gots to get paid, son," he continued.

"The fact that we can now only attract the worst full time players, rather than the best part time ones... Well that's part of the price you've gotta pay so that I can tell my wife I've got a proper job."

The Danby saga is expected to rumble on into the season, before being superseded by complaints about pies from people who apparently can't be out of the house for two hours without succumbing to the overwhelming urge to eat filth.

Tuesday, 10 June 2014

What a reprief!

Chester FC made it four promotions in four years with victory in the AGM trophy today. 

Having been relegated little over a month ago, Steve Burr's men bounced back with an exemplary show of patience to down Hereford United and sneak back into the Football Conference at the first attempt.

"It took a bit longer than we'd hoped, but we got there in the end," commented a relieved Burr, who had spent a number of days complaining that the delay in the result was causing him problems in his preparations for next season.

"Well, I mean, how can you build a team without knowing what league you're going to be in?," explained Burr.  "No other Chester FC manager  has ever had to do that. You know, except for the only other manager we've had. He did it unflinchingly. But other than that..."

Hereford's decline owes much to their high risk tactic of saying they were gonna pay for stuff then not paying for it.  Given this flagrant breaking of the rules, the only just outcome was for Chester to retain the place that they unfairly lost on an exciting last day of the Conference season.

However, citizens of the the Mensa capital of Britain (otherwise known as English Wrexham) have taken umbridge at Chester's reprieve, stating that other teams who weren't the victims of cheating should get the Bulls' place instead.

"Promote the two losing play off finalists from North and South!" yelped one goaty genius.

"Let's make it a 25 team league next year just to avoid reprieving an unfairly relegated team who played within the rules!"

"No, Let's have a play off between whoever is still signed on at Guiseley and Ebbsfleet by dragging them off the beach in Magaluf," chimed in another.

"Let's then allow the loser of that to be promoted if Salisbury go bust!" continued the proud Welshman, all the time talking in his first and only language of English.

"Then, if someone else goes bust, we'll promote the winners of the fair play league.  Or whoever can pull the saddest face, because they really deserve it.  Or the club with the biggest floodlights.  Or the team with the most dead supporters for Wrexham fans to make banners about."

Meanwhile, some Chester fans attempted to commiserate with Hereford fans, talking of the 'heartbreak' inherent in being a football fan when the shell of a company through which your team's taxes are paid goes bust.

"I wept when Chester City filed for bankruptcy," confessed C Block regular Dimmy Limabean.

"I didn't cry when my grandad died though.  Which is weird, because he didn't even reform days later as almost exactly the same entity, refusing to pay the debts of his previous incarnation."

With the news finally confirmed, Burr can now go ahead and sign good players, rather than the collection of garbage he had intended to sign if Chester's relegation had stood.

The new season will start at some point in the future.