Tuesday, 31 July 2012

New shirt "not retro"

Dr Lance Obvious from the Royal Institute of The Plain-to-See has courted controversy by pointing out that Chester's new shirt is "clearly not retro".

The new design is supposably modelled on that dish-towel textured 'Toffs' shirt you sometimes see fans wearing down the Exacta, but Dr Obvious's comments have sent shockwaves through the city of Chester.

"It might be the fact that it's got the name of an American bank spilling across the front in big letters.  Or the fact that the material they use these days is different.  It could be that the club crest is entirely different these days," said Dr Obvious, in an emergency press conference called this morning.

"Also, it's a different shade of blue.  Am I really the only one who has noticed this?  In all reality, the shirt Chester FC played in for its first two seasons was a far more "retro" design," he continued, quite correctly.

CFU media mouthpiece Jaffa Cakes has hit back at Dr Obvious's claims, explaining that the shirt is indeed retro as, for the last month or so, it has been perpetually reported to be available for sale to fans "next week".

"It's a nice callback to those days just before we folded," nodded Cakes.

The design was chosen CFU members, who were given a number of choices from which to pick.  The vote was not unanimous, but in spite of this, certain fans have trouble believing that not everyone likes it that much.

"No, sorry, I can't understand that different people have different tastes," ranted one poster on the Mensa-Dome that is Deva Chat.

A green away kit has also been launched, but the pictures have not been published as no-one could see it against the grass.

Monday, 30 July 2012

Chester FC "still hilarious"

Scientists at The Royal Institute of Exasperation in Greenwich have confirmed that Chester Football Club is "still hilarious".

Many believed that the club's elevation to a slightly higher standard of clogger football may have led to less hysterical fans and a more predictable manager, but the Blues have stuck to the formula that has seen them win two league titles in two years.

"Basically, I thought it'd be a bit of a laugh to get rid of all our strikers and not really replace any of them," grinned manager Neil Young, when asked.

"Thankfully, there are a group of fans who will back me whatever I do, which means that there are plenty supporting me in the idea that Mike Wilde and Chris Simm wouldn't be effective at a level at which they've been effective before."

One such fan, Laurence Spatula, was only too quick to offer his opinion that back-to-back silverware means that Young has yet to make a bad decision.

"I can't think of one signing Neil has made that hasn't worked out," said Spatula.

"Michael Clarke, maybe, but that's it.  Except for Scott Metcalfe, I guess.  Jake Makreth.  Josh Lennie?  I suppose there was Martin Gritton.  Jamie Rainford... but listen, stop pointing it out on the internet, because the players might read it and the discovery that people have opinions might adversely affect our results."

And it's not just onfield issues that confirm CFC's ongoing comicality.  Chester Races have taken over the catering and upset several people in their very first outing by selling Zingy Pheasant Burgers at a price of £18.99 and cans of rosé at a fiver a pop.

"I don't understand why the club can't do the catering themselves," complained one fan.  "How hard can it be to get volunteers to run the shop, completely unable to see their team?  If these CFU members really loved their club, then they'd give up watching their team in order to serve me hotdogs.  And I only want to pay 10p, because that's how much it costs to get the ingridients from Tesco."

Chester have had a mixed pre-season so far.  A couple of wins confirm that the Blues will walk the league again this season, whilst the pesky games in which the Seals have been soundly beaten were merely "just about fitness" and "a good run out".