Wednesday, 31 October 2012

Vauxhall Motors 0-3 Chester FC - Match Manoeuvre

Chester FC recorded a comfortable victory away at Vauxhall Motors last night to stay top of the Blue Square Bet North.

"Yeah! You No va score!" roared manager Neil Young after the game.  "Viva la Chester!"

Young rang the changes in the Blues line up, dropping four of the players who had started Saturday's game against Histon after they turned up in a Vauxhall Zafira.

"No room for split loyalties on a night like this," grimaced the manager.

The 3-0 victory always looked inevitable, after a first half in which Blues Live played fast and loose with the definition of the word "live", broadcasting in delay once again.  As the subscription service brought news of the kick off, Conor Roberts-Nurse was busy turning the ball into his own net.

The Vauxhall defender then aided the visitors further by picking up a red card for a late tackle.

"I was navigating the game by listening to Blues Live and thought I'd timed it perfectly," grumbled Roberts-Nurse.

Down to ten, the home side were always likely to struggle, and debutant left winger Danny Williams scored a superb volley before turning provider for Sean Clancy to acrobatically add a third.

"Told you we needed a new left winger," beamed a smug Young, who does tend to always wind up being right about these things.

The Blues now look ahead to the weekend, where they will host Harrogate Town, provided that their guests don't win their FA Cup tie tonight.

"It's a bit rude actually," grimaced Young.  "We've invited Harrogate round our gaff for a kickabout and they're holding out to see if they get a better offer.  What about our plans?  What about our feelings?"

The fixture schedule is starting to look slightly bizarre for the Blues, who are slated to fit in five games in 15 days before a 12 day break.

"It's ok, really," said Young.  "It's just a bit like when you binge on cake, so then you don't eat cake for a bit.  Same concept, we can cope with it."

"Besides, we'll easily fill that gap with a bunch of FA Trophy replays and other excuses to get injured.  No sweat, bro."

Tuesday, 30 October 2012

Vauxhall Motors vs Chester FC - Match Mirror, Signal

Chester FC travel to Vauxhall Motors tonight as they seek to maintain their position at the top of the table, and Neil Young is looking forward to the trip to Ellesmere Port.

"Of Corsa, it's going to be a tricky game," said Young, a knowing twinkle in his eye.  "It's a good pitch at the Rivacre, it plays almost like Astraturf."

The Chester manager is seeking to ring the changes, with Michaels Taylor and Powell expected to leave the club shortly, whilst the new signing, left sided defender/midfielder Danny Williams, will be hoping to get some minutes under his belt.

"I might want Mike Taylor to play tonight, but I wouldn't want him getting injured, as that would really put the Mokkas on his move to Fylde," sniggered Young.  "On the other hand, we're very excited about Danny - he's a young lad with lots of pace and Agilaty."

The Blue Boss is aware that the motormen will be a tough nut to crack, and is preparing his side accordingly.

"We can't afford to be Cavalier in our approach, and expect to win just because we're Cresta FC," winked the Seal Commander.  "We're going to make sure that the defence are well Calibra-ted, no silly Trixx on the edge of our own area."

"Our Sintra-l midfielders will have to put in a real shift too, not just daudle in the Senator circle."

The manager also had a warning for his current squad.

"If I see anyone out there on the other team doing a better job than my lads, I'll Signum up straight away," smirked the Puffer Prince.

With the Blues used to playing their midweek games on a Wednesday, the squad is thought to be discontent with the idea of turning out on a Tuesday.

"First the late kick off on Saturday, then the hour change, now this," griped midfielder Antoni Sarcevic.  "It's worse than being jet-lagged - I went to bed at 3pm last night.  No idea whether I'm coming or going."

Meanwhile, Chester have drawn Worksop Town at home in the first round of the FA Trophy, and as soon as we think of anything interesting to say about that, you'll be the first to know.

Monday, 29 October 2012

Chester FC 2-1 Histon FC - Match Revisit

Chester FC fans have finally given up hope of their team losing a home game, and have instead switched to slagging their team off for the way in which they win.

The Blues overcame Histon on Saturday in a really-not-that-bad 2-1 victory but earnt the wrath of certain sections of their support regardless.

"Dreadful performance today," rasped West Stand sitter Mark Gass-Cylinder.  "Whenever my team comes back to nick a win despite losing their earlier lead, I go home with a real feeling of misery." 

The game started late after the Histon team got stuck on the motorway, frustrating fans, and also manager Neil Young when he realised that he could have stayed home and watched that second episode of How I Met Your Mother on E4 after all.

"I bet it was one I haven't seen as well," grumbled the Blues Boss.  "Didn't want to leave too late though.  Little did I know..."

Scoring got underway when Nathan Jarman won, and dispatched a penalty, whilst the absent Matty McGinn wandered off to the toilets to scream in frustration.

"All season, we wait for a penno," sobbed McGinn.  "Then I get injured and suddenly a ref gives one.  It's not fair."

Chester held onto their lead until half time, but surrendered shortly after as Histon skipper Remi Clerima hammered home in a crowded area.

"It appears that following their thunderous start to the season, Chester have elected to shank all their own set pieces and defend their opponents' set pieces really badly," mused Chronicle Opinion-Guru The Tall Peacock.  "Makes for an even playing field, so fair play to them for that."

It needed former Crewe midfielder and genuine footballing superhero Antoni Sarcevic to find Chester their winning goal.  Some good work by substitute Tony Gray allowed Sarcevic to tap in at the back post, and wheel away dreaming of recreating the goal on FIFA later in the evening.

"It's great to get the three points and carry some momentum into the Vauxhalls game on Tuesday, as they're really motoring at the moment," guffawed Young after the game, before realising that no-one had joined in the laughter and storming off.

Friday, 26 October 2012

Chester FC vs Histon FC - Match Pink

Following a weekend of not really doing much, Chester are back in action tomorrow as they take on Cambridgeshire outfit Histon FC.  The Stutes are languishing in the lower reaches of the table, and hopes are therefore high that Young’s men can heap the pressure on league leaders Brackley.

“Last Saturday was well dull” groaned manager Neil Young, when asked how his team had been preparing for the game.

“Danny Howard’s Dance Anthems isn’t really my cup of tea, I’m usually half an hour into my post match interview at that point on a Saturday.”

The Blues were their own worst enemy in their previous home game against Bradford Park Avenue, squandering masses of chances which the strikeforce will be hoping to rectify.  Industrious striker Marc Williams was at the centre of everything good and bad that happened in that game and has reportedly found it hard to shake off the after-effects of the match.

"He got to the ground for training the other day, and got his car into a space perfectly," recounted Young.  "Then, just as it looked like he was gonna make his way inside the ground, he's only gone and tripped over a pothole hasn't he?  Then he wheeled away, arms aloft, looking for a referee."

The latest squad news is that both Michael Powell and his quiff have been transfer listed, due to Powell being a naughty boy.

"It’s a shame his quiff had to get caught in the crossfire but Michael has ignored warnings to stop being silly and it’s finally gone too far,” explained Young.

It was thought that the Blue Chief was willing to hand the gangly scouser another chance but Powell sealed his fate when he clumsily sped off out of the car park after the Bradford game, causing a stone to flick up dangerously, whizzing just past assistant manager Gary Jones’s jowls.

“I would have been a goner, but luckily Iain Howard yelled 'FORE' just in time,” said a relieved Jones.

The board have taken Saturday’s game as an opportunity for the club's third Think Pink day, in aid of Breast Cancer Awareness.  Attendees are encouraged to don pink attire and donate some cash money to the cause.

“Neil was willing to get into the spirit of the day but we felt that he couldn’t be taken seriously if he tried to deliver his trademark half-time froth of rage whilst donning pink antlers, so we vetoed that idea,” retorted chairman The Pilsbury Doughbeard.

There will also be a pink balloon race, with whoever owns the balloon that travels the furthest winning a holiday to Marbella.  Former brainiac Blues striker Chris Simm was seen beaming as he invested in 300 balloons.

"Tactically, I'm also going to tie myself to the balloons and hope that the helium carries me to Marbella itself - double me chances like," grinned Simm.

Thursday, 25 October 2012

Hotshot Heaven - Fundraiser Preview

Broadcaster and Chester fan Gnarly Hamper will tomorrow host an exciting evening of clapping a variety of former Blues strikers.

Whilst the event is open to all, it is expected that the Senior Blues will turn up in order to lay seige to the hoedown and yap loudly about the fact that they can remember watching Hughie Ryden play.

"It's important that younger folk hear our conversations about the olden days," confirmed James Rhinohide, 129 years of age.  "Oh, to go back to those days of Sealand Road, the famous five and pitches that looked like fly-tipping hotspots."

"Of course, that would also mean a return to the cultural norms of footballing violence, casual racism, institutionalised gender discrimination and, latterly, Barry Venison's hair... but that's a price worth paying, surely?"

Along with Ryden, former players Matty McNeil, Gary Talbot and John Thomas will also be on parade.  Grenville Millington, an ever-present at these sorts of events, has been caught trying to alter copies of historical CFC book "On the Borderline" to show that he played as a striker, rather than a keeper.

"Grenners couldn't bear the thought of a former players' evening where he wasn't top dog," chuckled Jazz Drummer, author of 'Borderline'.  "We caught him tearing pages out of my book, and trying to insert ones that he'd knocked up on his old typewriter."

"I'm not sure how he expected anyone to believe that he'd once ramped home a hat-trick against Barcelona, though."

With Neil Young's squad seemingly still short of an old-fashioned centre forward, the Blues boss is expected to show up on a scouting mission.

"You can learn a lot from watching a man in a suit interviewed in a sports bar," hummed Young.  "If Talbs and Hughie can stand up under the pressure, it may be that one of them holds the key to our season."


This event takes place on Friday 26th October which is the eve of CFC’s Think Pink day.  Proceeds will be split between the Countess of Chester Breast Cancer Unit and the Former Players Association.

Tickets are £10 and available from the club shop, or by payment on the door.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012

It's oh so quiet...

Chester FC is currently suffering its worst lull since the club's reformation in 2010.

Absolutely nothing Blues-related has happened in ages now, leaving fans longing for the olden times when a couple of quiet days could always be brightened up by taking a squint at Jamie Rainford's Twitter feed.

"It's been that long since we've had a game that I've even forgotten how angry I am about the pies that we get down the Exacta these days," yodelled West Stand super fan Terrence Cattlegrid.

Manager Neil Young, however, has insisted that the time has not been wasted, and attempted to prove his point during a press conference by doing the Alan Rickman impression that he's been perfecting.

"It needs a bit of work," he concluded modestly, though this was drowned out by the thunderous applause of the journalists present, awe-struck as they were by the Blue Chief's bob-on imitation of Hans Gruber off of The Die Hard.

Earlier in the week, Young offered an interview to the official website, in which he stated that he believes the squad needs another left winger.  Ever since his arrival at the club, Young has signed up more left wingers than the Communist Party Membership Secretary - and the Chester manager is showing no signs of giving up what, by now, must be a running joke between him and his backroom staff.

"Look, we've only got Iain Howard and Sean Clancy.  One of them is the top scorer in the current squad, the other is this summer's big name signing...  so obviously we're a bit understocked there," fretted Young. "And what if they both get injured, who's gonna play that position then?  Matty McGinn?  When has that ever worked?"

Meanwhile, Leader journalist Tennis Ball has been attempting to fill the downtime by seeing just how far he can go with stating the obvious before his editors refuse to publish his articles.  Following an exposé into George Horan's shocking desire to win a third title in a row, Ball then moved report that Luke Denson thinks that Neil Young is a good manager.

"If I could also just go on record as saying I definitely don't hate blue and white stripes, too?" offered Denson - another strong career move.

Finally, with Chester-supporting broadcaster Gnarly Hamper due to talk about the club on Radio Merseyside tonight, the lack of news surrounding the Blues is likely to cause him problems.  Following a cursory five minutes' chat about Ben Mills, Hamper is expected to fill the rest of the hour by humming his favourite terrace chants in a falsetto key.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012

Chester FC Ladies 4-3 Manor House Ladies - Match Notice

Chester FC's girls picked up their first win of the season on Sunday, in an exciting dismantling of Manor House Ladies, a team name which sounds rather like a Saturday afternoon book club round Elizabeth Bennet's gaff.

The game got off to a confusing start as men's manager Neil Young took up his usual place in the dugout, taking several minutes to notice that something wasn't right.

"I sat down in my traditional spot on the bench, and noticed a gorgeous blonde wearing tights," explained Neil Young.  "I just assumed it was Gary Powell, and went about my business as normal, to be honest."

Young realised his mistake soon after, when Chester's Charlotte Marsh rounded the Manor House 'keeper and finished coolly to give the Blues the lead.

"I'd seen us trying to convert chances midweek, and I thought there was something suspicious about the competence of the finish,"  admitted Young. "Then it dawned on me what was going on."

"On the plus side, following that show of skill, Marshy's gone straight into the squad to face Histon on Saturday, and may well replace Jarmo if he doesn't get his act together."

Sue Fennell lashed home Chester's second, wheeling away to celebrate with the club record crowd of 6067.

"The ladies have been getting far better crowds than the men all season," nodded CFU media baron Jaffa Cakes.  "We just don't let on as it might damage the boys' egos."

Becky O'Brien nodded in Chester's third, before Manor House struck back just before half-time.

Attempts to then introduce winger Robbie Booth at the break were thwarted.

"I wanted to try and get Rob some pitch-time," commented Young.  "I asked the coach, Will Rowlands, and he was happy to give it a go.  But then the ref told us that there's something in the rules about players not being allowed to have a Y chromosone.  Jobsworth."

As it turned out, the Blue Ladies (aka. The Smurfettes) swiftly added to their lead anyway, Fennell slotting home her second of the game, finally silencing those on the terraces clamouring for the return of early season star Barbara Mills. 

Two late goals for Manor House were not enough to constitute a comeback, and the Blues ran out winners, much to the delight of coach Rowlands.

"I await my full time contract," stated the CFCL manager, earnestly.

This particular match report, however, has frustrated its author.

"It would have been nice to do a joke where the nickname of the women's team was the female equivalent of The Seals," sulked the Jestrian.  "But it turns out that a female Seal is called a Cow.  And I'm not sure that calling them The Cows would have been too popular."

Monday, 22 October 2012

It's tough at the top

Chester FC were toppled as league leaders this weekend, as a draw was enough to send Brackley Town back to the summit of the Blue Square Bet North.  Having only manage to hold the top spot for two days, Blues manager Neil Young is now under intense pressure.

"We'll be taking a look at things, and assessing Neil's future following a full investigation," grimaced a noticable disappointed Blues CEO Pet Husky.

"The best managers get their team to the top, then keep them there.  There's no questioning that we bottled it this weekend.  We just didn't turn up."

With an injury-ravaged squad, however, Young is thought to have welcomed the chance of ten days off.  However, whilst the manager used the free weekend to allow his players the chance of a rest, away travel co-ordinator Barry Hipflask thinks it better to keep the intensity high, even when there's no game on.

"Yeah, I turned up at the ground and did a couple of laps without looking at the pitch, just to keep my eye in," confirmed Hipflask.  "Then I hopped on a coach and made the driver head over to Lincolnshire, wait a couple of hours and then drive back."

"It's these sorts of drills which will mean we still have the sharpness required when we're travelling to Worcester on the final day of the season.  You can't afford fatigue to set in, and have the bus pull up somewhere on the M6 around Stoke with cramp.  I've seen that happen too many times."

In other news, scientists at the Royal Institute of How Many Chances have calculated that, if the game had been allowed to continue indefinitely, Chester would only just have netted their second against Bradford Park Avenue at 3am this morning.

With attentions now turning ahead to Saturday's game against Histon, promotions are underway for the Think Pink element of the day - in place to help raise awareness for breast cancer.

"Everyone will be encouraged to wear pink, except for Jason Roberts and Rio Ferdinand, who will presumably decline on the basis that cancer hasn't been cured yet," confirmed club spokesman Jiff Bricks.

"Not sure we're expecting those two to turn up anyway, actually."

Friday, 19 October 2012

Chester FC vs Nobody - Free Saturday Quandry

Chester FC face nobody tomorrow, their original fixture having been nixed following intended opponent Corby's progression in FA Cup.

"On the one hand, it's good to have this time off as it allows the injured players time to recover," commented manager Neil Young.  "On the other hand, it means Deva Chat has even less to talk about, so you can expect that to be a hotbed of misjudged opinions and bile for ten days or so."

The break could also lead to another hilarious practical joke by former Blues striker and self-destructive entity Tom Henley.  Henley tweeted yesterday that Matty McGinn had departed the Seals after raging at Neil Young over his omission from the Bradford Park Avenue game on Wednesday. This was very quickly proven to be a false allegation, and merely an attempt by Henley to get his name talked about.  Which is why we've called him Tom Henley instead of using his real name in the reporting of this most bizarre of actions.

Chronicle journalist and Twitter aficionado The Tall Peacock has been left scratching his head over what to do with the free time.  The last time Chester had a free weekend, The Peacock took to reporting on his every day life, to mixed reviews.

"The missus has just put my tea on the table from 30 yards.  Great work from the Petite Peahen," read one Tweet.

"Just realised my wife's not home.  Not sure who brought my tea.  Seeking correction," ran the next.

"Think I might be getting burgled, brb," said a third.

The time off may also result in fans finally realising that Nathan Jarman and Marc Williams aren't remotely similar players.

"It would appear that Chester fans believe there are only two sorts of striker, waffling on about how Williams and Jarman are too similar to play together," mused club boffin Jazz Drummer.  "Either you're a target man, or you're not."

"In reality, Marc and Nathan are entirely different players.  Jarman runs the channels off the shoulder of the last defender, whilst Marc drops short and provides a link between the midfield and forwards.  That's not to say that the club couldn't use another option up front, but it does suggest that our fans just judge our strikers' game based solely on whether they are under or over six feet."

Thursday, 18 October 2012

Chester FC 1-1 Bradford Park Avenue - Match Watch

Chester celebrated their impressive record of having scored in 50 successive matches last night by spurning a chance for every goal scored in that period.

Following an early hit from Bradford Park Avenue striker Danny Holland, Chester came to life, but several opportunities went begging for the front two of Nathan Jarman and Marc Williams.
"Ben Mills," said Deva Chat.

Avenue keeper Tim "Easy" Deasy began making saves with such disdain that at one point he even cheekily pointed to the corner he thought Jarman should aim for when through, before producing a scorpion kick to deny Antoni Sarcevic.

BPA defended doggedly, getting bodies in the way to block certain goals.  Striker Williams even helped out at the end, clearing a Jarman strike off the line with such skill that he convinced the referee that he was a defender, and the match official duly gave a corner.

By that point, however, the former Wrexham forward had at least levelled things up for the Blues, getting low to head home from Sean Clancy's corner.

"To be honest, it's a bit like ordering a cone of chips, then waiting two hours before the takeaway finally gives you one chip," mused manager Neil Young.  "Alright, you eat it, but it's nowhere near as much as what you should have had.  And there's not enough surface area to put any vinegar on."

"That last bit might only apply to the chips thing, actually."

The draw sends Chester to the top of the Blue Square Bet North by virtue of the superiority of their goals difference over now-second-placed Brackley Town.

"We could have gone on and got the win, but we're big on the goals difference thing at Chester," nodded skipper George Horan.  "Made for an entertaining last day at Garforth in that first season, like, so we're just looking to recreate that to be honest."

Meanwhile, following an excellent performance by former Desperate Scousewives star Sean Clancy, Neil Young has reportedly spent today trawling through the Geordie Shore boxset in search of the target man he so desperately needs.

Wednesday, 17 October 2012

Chester FC vs Bradford Park Avenue - Match Load

Chester welcome Bradford Park Avenue to the Exacta Stadium tonight, needing a win or a draw to top the Blue Square Bet North for the first time this season.

Formerly a Rugby League club, BPA showed their true colours last term by staying well off the pace all season, but still picking up a prize at the end of it.

"The play offs are a bizarre invention, and no-one knows that better than those involved in Rugby League," explained manager John Deacey.  "So, we figured we should just pansy about for most of the season, make sure we're in the places come the end, then sneak ourselves a promotion.  Bit moody, that, eh?"

Indeed, no-one begrudges The Av their success, as it came at the expense of both Chorley Town and FC United of Manchester and that's obviously hilarious.

This fixture last year produced a 3-2 victory for the Blues, in a game with a scoreline that suggests that the occasion should be somewhat easier to remember.

"Did I really?" responded a mildly surprised Blues striker Marc Williams when informed that he scored two goals in the match.

One man who does remember every kick of that game is unsung Chronicle lady-magnet Sharks Prowling, who stood in on Twitter duty for the day, after the Chronicle's usual Tweet-Jockey The Tall Peacock lost his glasses.

"I remember the kick off was an absolute classic," enthused Prowling.  "Decent blow of the whistle, and off we went.  Textbook stuff."

The Clooney of Journalism did, however, refuse to confirm reports that he has planned a smear campaign with the aim of permanently deposing The Peacock.

"Certainly there have been rumours flying around that he's been using the odd split infinitive in his articles, but I didn't start them," insisted a stern Prowling.

Chester manager Neil Young is still uncertain which players he will have available for selection, with several nursing injuries.  He also hasn't decided whether or not he's talking to Michael Powell yet.

Tuesday, 16 October 2012

What a world wide web we weave

The Jestrian is proud to announce that it has been awarded the status of the official website of Chester FC.

Following months of unrest over poor design and functionality, and stories about how it's not the club's fault, but the fault of the people to whom the club has inexplicably forfeited its autonomy over its own web space, a change has finally been made.

"We listened to fan feedback that the current website has hard-on-the-eyes white-on-black text, shoddy graphics and is displaying information which is untrue," explained CFC media officer Jaffa Cakes.  "Then we realised that The Jestrian is already doing all of that stuff for free, so we might as well hand them the official tagline."

The incumbent website has often been defended by the club on the basis that it brings in much needed money, but this revenue stream will be replaced.  The City Fans United now intends to sell the contact details of its members to Direct Mailing companies, thereby satisfying the need to earn money from the club's existing supporters by cluttering their lives with irritating adverts that have nothing to do with either Chester or football.

The club's entire online presence has provoked much controversy of late.  The Philosophy Den (aka. The Deva Chats) has recently seen many pleas from boys seeking equal rights for Chester's hooligans.

"We long for a day when all good, salt of the earth football fans can punch people without fear of repercussions," growled one poster, with an avatar of a sovereign ring.  "Those Halifax boys are living the dream."

The web-based consternation has even spilled over onto social networking sites.  There are now so many fake Neil Young Twitter accounts, you'd have thought that one of them might have managed to be funny.

"I can't understand these people who think they're somehow witty, trying to put words into the manager's mouth," mumbled The Jestrian, dusting off his special gold vinyl edition of Merseyrail Hardnut by MC Youngy.

Indeed, Young is thought to severely dislike Twitter and the potential it creates for things like Jamie Rainford to happen. 

"I do like looking at those pictures of wedding dresses on Pinterest, though," confessed the Blues Boss.

Monday, 15 October 2012

Bishop's Stortford 1-2 Chester FC - Match Scrutinise

Chester FC recorded a vital win on Saturday, with fans starting to believe that they might even win the title at this rate.

A 2-1 victory was all but certain, with all the goals coming in the last twenty minutes, the last of which filtered through from Blues Live around about noon today.

Chester looked to have been matched all game by the Stortspeople, and even when Nathan Jarman scored an absolute Rizzle Kick of a goal in the 75th minute, the hosts pulled back level with an equally impressive hit from Johnny Herd.

"Who just scored THAT?!", a shell-shocked Neil Young was heard to demand of his coaching staff.

"Johnny Herd," responded assistant Gary Jones.

"What did Johnny hear?", queried Young.

"No, no, it was Johnny Herd who scored," responded Jones.

"Well, if Johnny heard who scored, then why won't he tell us?", rasped a visibly agitated Young, whilst Jones slunk off back to the bench with a sigh.

It was left to Antoni Sarcevic to win the game for Chester, as he ramped home his second screamer of the last couple of weeks.

"It's another superb goal by Antoni Sarcevic who, from 35 yards, smashes in a 35-yard half volley," reported Chronicle Twitter-Tyrant, The Tall Peacock.

"He was very fortunate to be the correct distance from goal, as if he'd hit a 35-yard half volley from 40 yards, it wouldn't have reached," he added.

League leaders Brackley Town parted company with their keeper in midweek and, instead of replacing him, they elected to just play without one on Saturday.  A 6-1 defeat later, and Chester can now hit top spot with a win against Bradford Park Avenue midweek.

"We gonna rock down to... Bradford Park Avenue... and then we goin' higher...," sang manager Young in his post-match press conference, before being told that Wednesday's match is a home game and his little ditty doesn't really work.

"Gutted," responded Young, and toddled off to his car before any serious questions could be asked.

"Oh, and if you guys see Johnny, tell him I want to know who scored for them," he called back over his shoulder as he exited the ground.

Friday, 12 October 2012

Bishop's Stortford FC vs Chester FC - Match Gather

Chester FC travel to Bishop's Stortford tomorrow, as they continue to use this season as an exercise in discovering places of whose existence they were previously unaware.

"At best guess, I'd have said that a Bishop's Stortford was maybe some kind of religious hat," shrugged Blues manager Neil Young when asked what he knows about the opposition.

Luke Denson is expected to feature for the Seals, but, following his midweek red card against Halifax, Michael Powell will not travel, with Young having sent him to his room to think about what he's done.

Striker Tony Gray will seek to open his account for the Blues, with Young dismissing reports that he is reluctant to play the former Southport man in the same team as Scott Brown.

"Look, I saw some fashion show on TV that said grey and brown should never be seen together, and I got confused for a moment," explained The Blue Chief.  "It's all sorted now, and everyone's in contention, provided that they haven't recently attempted a headbutt in a massively important fixture.

Bishop's Stortford currently reside 15th in the league table, though this is quite some achievement when one considers that their players are only allowed to move diagonally.

Rod Stringer is manager of The Bishops.

"Coincidentally, I took my fishing pole to the Rod Stringer the other day," said Chester winger and keen fisherman Robbie Booth.  "Needed a new line on it."

The hosts had been plying their trade in the Conference South until 2011, at which stage they were transferred to the Conference North.

"Hassle, basically," grumbled Young.  "Don't need to be trippin' south, do we?  If they were gonna play in this division, they could have at least had the decency to move to Lincolnshire like all the other clubs we seem to play these days."

Brackley Town remain top of the tree for the time being, but are expected to surrender this position in the same week in which it is tradtional for the X Factor's annual novelty act to get voted off.

Matty McGinn misses the game with a dead leg, Wes Baynes is out following a nasty Chinese burn and Paul Linwood is doubtful having had his head flushed in a toilet.

Thursday, 11 October 2012

The defence needs to rest, Your Honour

Neil Young is scratching his head over the problem presented to him by the fact that Dominic Collins was the only recognised defender to make it through Chester's gruelling FA Cup run unscathed.

With Paul Linwood, Matty McGinn, Wes Baynes and George Horan all picking up knocks, Neil Young is hopeful that new signing Luke Denson can step up.

"We signed Luke years ago, but first he needed international clearance, then he was cup tied, then his mum called him in for tea, then it turned out we needed to sign his registration papers in black ink rather than blue, and then the government told us his selection may present a security risk for the country," explained Young. 

"Fortunately, the league are now satisfied we've jumped through enough hoops and I'm allowed to pick him against Bishop's Stortford."

The Blues gaffer does have reservations as to whether Denson will slot into the side seamlessly.  Having finally received his international clearance, the red tape is out of the way, but this is no guarantee that Denson will be able to deal with the culture shock of his cross-continental move.

"Luke's been playing abroad in the Blue Square Bet North," said Young.  "It remains to be seen whether he can make the switch to the Blue Square Bet North.  It's true that the leagues are similar - identical, some say - but it'll be a test to make that switch."

"Similarly, Luke's going to have to deal with the fact that whilst he used to play his home games in Wales, he's now going to be playing them in pretty much Wales, so that could mess with his head too."

"It makes complete and utter sense that we've had to wait so long and fill out so much paperwork to make this move happen as it's a massive upheaval for the lad.  It's sorted now though, and it's a real victory for the free movement of workers within the EU.  In the past, if you wanted to get a new job just down the road, there just weren't these sorts of provisions in place."

Another option which the manager may wish to pursue is the recall of centre back Michael Taylor from AFC Fylde.

"Wait, was that only a loan deal?," spluttered Young, taken aback.  "Gosh, you might be right actually, that'd be a stroke of luck.  I'll get Gaz Powell on that one right away."

Dave Hankin and Sean Clancy have been providing cover in the full back positions, with Levi Mackin having helped out at centre back.

"We might actually have stumbled on some genius new tactic," mused assistant manager Gary Jones.  "If we hoik Dom Collins off and chuck Ash Williams in there, we can just play with two midfield banks of four and see how that pans out.  Imagine if it turned out that all these years of teams playing with defenders had been for nothing!"

The Jestrian attempted to contact Bishop's Stortford to ask about their expectations for the weekend, but only succeeded in getting hold of member of the clergy Bishop John Stortford.

He was a nice enough man, but he knew nothing about football.

Wednesday, 10 October 2012

FC Halifax Town 3-1 Chester FC - FA Cup Mess Up

Chester tumbled out of the FA Cup last night despite a spirited performance away at FC Halifax Town.

Michael Powell, having been returned to the side, lasted just half an hour before being dismissed, leaving Chester the rest of the game to fight with just ten men.

"The FA Cup is all about traditional, and what's more traditional than me getting myself in trouble with the ref over a silly off the ball incident?", commented the quiffer-biffer centre mid.

Chester were already one down at this point, with Jon Worthington having given the home side the lead, slotting in past John Danby.  A Nathan Jarman equaliser was ruled out for offside, with luck apparently deserting the Seals.

"I must have used up all our good fortune earlier in the day when I put 60p in a vender for a Wispa, and two fell out," mused manager Neil Young.  "Had the second one on the bus on the way home - just took the edge off the defeat a little."

The defeat may not have been, had Chester's best efforts produced a goal, but instead, Halifax doubled the lead through Lee Gregory.

"Never trust a man with two first names, that's what I keep telling the lads," grumbled a noticably agitated Young.

Marc Williams brought Chester back into the game, and highlighted a staggering statistic when he fired in his first goal of the season as the travelling support murmured amongst themselves, certain that the forward must have scored at least one other goal this term.

It was left to Chris Worsley to complete the scoring and conclude Chester's participation in the FA Cup for this season, though Chester's woes increased as George Horan departed through injury before the final whistle.

"We've petitioned the league to see if they'll allow us to play a back four all on crutches," confirmed manager Young.  "If not, there's a couple of options for Bishop's Stortford on Saturday - including not playing a defence at all and hoping that their strikers are rendered ineffective by their sheer curiosity."

The Blues gaffer also branded the officials as the worst he had seen in a long time, but no-one was sure whether he meant it or if he was just trotting out his ever-popular catchphrase.

Tuesday, 9 October 2012

FC Halifax Town vs Chester FC - FA Cup Big Whoop

Chester FC head into tonight's return FA Cup third qualifying round clash at Halifax as an injury ravaged squad, with Neil Young's men down to the bare bones. Matty McGinn is suffering from a dead leg, Wes Baynes has tweaked his groin, Paul Linwood "doesn't really fancy the journey" and George Horan is receiving treatment for really poor judgment, following his weekend dismissal.

With options severely limited, Young is considering the famed Mourinho tactic of 'parking the bus'.

"It's certainly something I've thought about, but you never know what time The Hipkiss Express is gonna turn up so I'm working on a Plan B of hiring a Merseyrail Lightning Carriage for the evening instead," stressed Young.

The Blues boss is expected to revert to a more standard formation tonight, after having fielded three strikers to mixed reviews at the weekend.

"I thought it'd be good for team spirit if Tony Gray wasn't the only lad out there trying to get used to a new system in a high pressure situation," explained The King of Seals.

The formation was enough to distress Mark Williams who has confirmed that his head is "still west" following his confusion as to which position on the pitch he was supposed to be taking up.

"I was forced that wide at times that I wound up having to buy Jimmy Soul some nachos from the refreshment counter," purred the former Wrexham striker.  "Not easy running about whilst trying to balance guacamole in your left hand."

Meanwhile, the Ben Mills transfer saga has been blown wide open once more as the early season favourite has today taken to following The Jestrian on Twitter.

"He's clearly seen the good we've done for Iain Howard and wants a bit of that action," confirmed The Jestrian.  "I mean, who starts to follows a parody blog of a team they had a brief loan spell at if they're not intending to return?  No-one.

"Unless, of course, the blog is dead funny like.  Anyone's guess."

Monday, 8 October 2012

Chester FC 1-1 AFC Halifax - Match Epilogue

Chester were pinned back late on for the second game running on Saturday as they slugged out a 1-1 draw with an in-form FC Halifax Town.

The game was marred by travelling 'fans' invading both the pitch and home sections of the ground, as fighting ensued.  Said Halifax fans were then shepherded back to their seats in the West Stand to enjoy the rest of the game.

"Technically, though they'd thrust their fists into the faces of home supporters and spent time wandering round the pitch with the ball in play, they hadn't attempted to put their feet on any seats, so we couldn't threaten them with ejection," confirmed steward Rasputin Dayglo.

In related news, wanting to whack people with your hands just because they support a different football team to you has been confirmed as "beyond stupid" by scientists at the Royal Institute of Ways to Waste Your Life.

"The best we can hope for is that those involved in causing or sustaining the kind of child-upsetting, moronic violence we saw on Saturday manage to discover some sense of self-awareness, and are made to vomit by their own consciences," nodded Dr Kevin Sauceflower from the Institute.

Following a first half to forget, the game produced a flash point of its own, as Chester skipper George Horan and Shaymen striker Dale Johnson passionately embraced, hands around each other's necks, lifting each other and spinning around on the spot.

"You can take that sort of thing elsewhere, please, lads," said the referee, waving a red card at both.

The game opened up as a result and Antoni Sarcevic produced a moment of pure inspiration, striking a beauty beyond Halifax keeper Matt Glennon.

"Still didn't get a hat-trick at Stalybridge, though, did he?", mused Iain Howard after the game.

Despite Chester's back four consisting, by this stage, of Dom Collins and three midfielders, Town were unable to find the net until the last ten minutes, when substitute Simon Hackney rinsed a rip-snorter beyond John Danby.

With much to ask manager Neil Young about, the journalists assembling for his post-match press conference were seen to be setting up sleeping bags just after full time, ready for the long haul.

"Definitely going to be one of Youngy's chat-marathons tonight," Leader journalist Tennis Ball was heard to mutter to his Chronicle rival The Tall Peacock.

Chester now travel to the Shay on Tuesday with everyone hoping that we can just enjoy a football match, if that's not too much to ask, ta.

Friday, 5 October 2012

Chester FC vs Halifax Town - Match Prologue

Chester continue their scintillating FA Cup run tomorrow as they welcome Halifax Town to the Exacta, having already sent them away with their tails between their legs once this season.

"Gluttons for punishment, these boys," chortled Blues manager Neil Young. "We'll take the easy ties at this stage in the comp, though."

Halifax will be turning up without former Chester striker Jamie Rainford, who has managed to get himself frozen out by a team at which he is on loan - something that seems as though it might even be a completely unprecedented achievement.

The visitors are expected to roll out their big-guns though, with early reports suggesting that that one who kept falling over in the area last time out will play, along with their several specialist ref-baiters.

Young is keen to progress far in the country's oldest cup competition - the newly full-time football man has spied the televised stages as a chance to put himself in the shop window.

"Sir Alex isn't gonna be at United forever," nodded the Blues supremo.  "This could be my shot.  Maybe I could get in as his assistant first.  We know he hates doing them press conferences, whereas Youngy here can talk for half an hour without drawing breath.  Something to think about, Al, yeah?"

Chester's players are likely to be a little tired following the marathon game on Tuesday, where they took until extra time to see off the challenge of Gainsborough Trinity.

"There's a few tired legs, so it's just been light training this week," confirmed Young.  "George has been round my house changing lightbulbs.  I've not got a ladder, so he's been climbing up the back of Nathan Jarman, using his skills."

"Marc Williams has been working on his link-up play by playing with my model train sets and Michael Powell's been picking up bookings for his go-karting business, keeping his eye in."

Halifax have been handed use of the West Stand for the evening, leading to outrage from some Chester fans, who are unsure whether that section of the ground can handle the possibility of noise.

"Anything more than a light cricket clap, and the roof might pop off," warned veteran fan Giles Weasel-Catcher.

Though the move has attracted some criticism, the continued failure to allow away fans in the South Stand continues to rankle with H Block regulars, thereby rendering this one of the finest decisions yet made by the board.

A draw would see the teams head to The Shay for a replay, which is actually an oddly appealing possibility.

Thursday, 4 October 2012


In a feature so popular with readers that we haven't done in for like a year, figures from in and around the club write poetry using the Japanese style of Haiku - a form of poetry where each poem consists of three lines, the first containing five syllables, the second containing seven and the third containing five.

Tactics and bitter
All day long in the Blues Bar
Now I am full time

Neil Young reflects upon the benefits of his new employment status

Wah wah wah wah wah
Wah wah wah wah wah wah wah

Wah wah wah wah wah
A West Stand regular following the news that they will have to watch the Halifax game from a slightly different angle

Once I had no hair
Now it spills down my forehead
Powelly beware

Iain Howard makes a bid for Best Quiff In Team at the dressing room monthly awards

Boxed up casserole
Topped with a puff pastry lid
Does not a pie make
Fans continue to grumble about the Racecourse caterers

He tags me in Tweets
And he also retweets me
Celebrity friend

Chronicle Journalist The Tall Peacock glows with proud excitement over his burgeoning camaraderie with Famous Jonathan Legard

Wednesday, 3 October 2012

Chester FC 2-1 Gainsborough Trinity - Match Odyssey

Chester FC almost guaranteed themselves a place in the FA Cup final last night, by ruthlessly dispatching Gainsborough Trinity, after Extra Time, in a replay.

Chester have only 13 more rounds to safely negotiate following their 2-1 victory, the first of which will be a straightforward game against Halifax, who the Blues comfortably saw off at the Exacta a few weeks ago, if you're committed to the mis-use of the word "comfortably".

Dominic Collins scored his first goal for the club by cunningly smashing a shot home via the shins of a Gainsborough defender.

"It's all about the angles," nodded Collins, sagely.  "I'm a whizz when it comes to calculating the right deflection.  'Ol' Dommy Protractor', they used to call me."

Chester looked to have held out to win the game in 90 minutes, but anguish rippled through the Exacta as The Recreationists substitute Jamie Yates smashed home a late, late equaliser.

"I was pretty happy as my new contract states that I get paid time-and-a-half for Extra Time," admitted Blues manager Neil Young.  "Incidentally, is it just me, or does 'The Recreationists' sound more like an early 90s Madchester band than the nickname of a football club?"

As the game spilled into Extra Time, some people inexplicably left, damaging further the sub-par crowd which was in attendance.  Fans stayed away from Chester FC's first ever home FA Cup tie for a variety of superb reasons, including 'ooh, but it's windy' and 'Manchester United are on TV'.

"Still don't understand why we're not making a profit," grumbled die-hard Blues fan Gerry Armchair whilst vapidly watching as Robin Van Persie netted his second.

It took until the second period of Extra Time for Chester to restore their lead, Levi Mackin crashing a first-time, left-footed strike beyond Gainsborough 'keeper Jan Budtz.  It was one of those great FA Cup moments that will undoubtedly feature alongside that Ronnie Radford goal in the montages that will be played once the Premier League teams come in and rip the heart out of the competition by scarcely taking it seriously - some by fielding weakened sides, others simply by being Liverpool.

The next round is already causing consternation amongst some Chester fans, with the West Stand handed to Halifax for the evening, to the furious upset of the regular frequenters of the Exacta's own version of a Virgin Pendolino Quiet Carriage.

"There's probably a way around it," admitted CFU media doll Jaffa Cakes.  "But, to be honest, it's important that we take any chance we get to needle people who are going to be that prissy about where they sit."

Tuesday, 2 October 2012

Chester FC vs Gainsborough Trinity - Match Third Glance

Chester take on Gainsborough Trinity in their rearranged FA Cup second round replay tonight.  The game had been due to take place last Wednesday, but club officials are thought to have called the game off just after the Jestrian had published its match preview, in a deliberate attempt to scupper the badly-designed blog.

"Ha! Let's see him find something interesting to say about Gainsborough three times in 10 days!", cackled Blues CEO Pet Husky.

Gainsborough sounds a bit like Farnborough, but not really.  They have a football team and Chester are playing them tonight.

Neil Young leads his side into the game full of confidence, despite the brief Twitter storm caused by Chronicle press prancer The Tall Peacock last night.  The bespectacled word-weaver triggered a bit of a commotion by tweeting that former Chester City manager and mastermind behind Stalybridge's comical 6-2 weekend defeat Jim Harvey "still has admirers in the Chester FC boardroom", with former director The Dark Owl registering his dissatisfaction with the implied slight on Young.

"People be talking smack 'bout how Harvey's a bosser boss than Neil," said The Owl, who has become much more 'street' since his abdication from the board.  "I say forget dem fools, y'hear me?"

With Halifax in store for the victor, Young is keen to secure victory.  Chester played the Shaymen just last month, in one of the tensest most exciting games in the short history of the new club.

"It was a great game between two relatively new football clubs," recalled Young.  "We've come a long way and of course you have to admire how Halifax have bounced back strong after they went bust and had to merge with Bank of Scotland."

With Young able to name seven substitutes in FA Cup matches, it seems inevitable that it can only be a matter of time before someone off of the Devachats suggests that Pat Nevin and Perry Groves could fill the extra spaces.

It better happen this time, yeah?

Monday, 1 October 2012

Stalybridge Celtic 2-6 Chester FC - Match Digest

Chester recorded a 6-2 hammering of Stalybridge Celtic on Saturday, with The Jestrian credited as the driving force behind the spectacular win.

Iain Howard ramped home a hat-trick, with Neil Young finally persuaded to give the winger an extended run in the starting line up.

"I just want to thank The Jestrian for the part it undoubtedly played in my recall to the side," said Howard after the match.  "The passive aggressive little comments the Jestrian has been publishing regarding my absence is sure to have influenced the gaffer far more than my form or Youngy's tactical prowess."

Howard had to wait for his goals however, and was first provider, when he caused the goal-mouth scramble which led to Nathan Jarman doubling the lead which Antoni Sarcevic had given the Blues just minutes earlier.  The plasterer then opened his account, benefitting from Stalybridge's questionable defensive tactic of giving the ball back to Chester on the edge of the area.

"I got it wrong," admitted Celtic boss Jim Harvey.  "I told the lads that the best form of attack is defence.  It was only once they were out on the pitch that I realised I'd skewed my words.  Bit embarrassing."

Howard's second came when he fired home a stunning volley from a Marc Williams cross and the number 11 wheeled away miming a dedicatory Jester's hat in celebration, probably.

With the Blues 4-0 up at the break, Sean Clancy cut a forlorn figure.  The former Fleetwood man could be seen visibly wincing as Howard rocketed home his volley, but his concerns appear run deeper than for his own place in the side.

"I can take Iain being first choice left-winger," insisted Clancy.  "But have you seen his quiff?  It's starting to look better than mine.  Next thing we know, he'll be offered a spot on Desperate Scousewives.  He's stealing my life!"

With Harvey forgetting to correct his earlier slip of the tongue, Stalybridge continued to gift possession to Chester early in the second half, wrapping a bow around the ball and placing it at the feet of Antoni Sarcevic who duly patted home his second.

Remembering how to play football, Celtic struck back through Jack Laird, before Howard netted this third.  Sarcevic rocketed through for a hat-trick of his own, but found himself wiped out by the keeper and watched from the floor as Howard slotted the loose ball into the open net.

As Howard celebrated, taunting the flattened Sarcevic, he was removed by manager Young, who feared a scuffle.

"Sarce was well up for grabbing Iain and rubbing his face on the ground so that his teeth stop sparkling," reported Young.  "I thought it best to diffuse the situation and get Clancer on."

Another goal was unsportingly smashed home by Stalybridge's Jordan Barrow after both teams had clearly agreed to stop playing.  The final whistle might even have come a couple of minutes early as the ref sensed the petering out of the game and spied a chance to get home for tea.

"It's a phenomenal result for the Blues, and one which may well kick start the season," commented club historian Jazz Drummer.  "Future generations will look back on today as the moment that Chester FC really returned, and it's all thanks to The Jestrian."

"Their relentless promotion of Iain Howard has definitely led to this marvellous performance, and whilst some people may point to it being a dingy, little-read blog with a Twitter account that has been stalled at just under 300 followers for months now, those of us in-the-know accept what a power-house it is behind the scenes."