Monday, 24 December 2012

Some things aren't anybody's fault

Selfish, selfish Chester fans have ignored The Jestrian's need for a Christmas break after their gamble to travel to Workington for a game that never seemed likely to go ahead backfired in unfortunate circumstances, with the inevitable cancellation coming at 1.40pm.  By this point, many travellers were already in or near the ground.

With Blues fans out of pocket for an ultimately pointless journey at an already expensive time of year, many have taken it upon themselves to blame various human beings for the meteorological conditions.  The referee has taken the brunt of the abuse, with some stating that he is a 'disgrace' and calling for his sacking.

"The ref should have called the match off based on the weather forecast," whined one fan, who had access to the exact same forecast before choosing to travel.

In any event, you cannot call a match off based on a weather forecast, as these are notoriously unreliable.  Indeed, some vaguely more sensible Blues accepted this and instead chose to criticise the match official's decision to pass the pitch fit to play at 12.30.

"I obviously wasn't there to see the pitch at that time, but it was definitely the wrong decision," frothed Henry Drainpipes, away day regular.

Meanwhile, scientists have confirmed that yes, of course a pitch can be playable at 12.30 but not at 13.40, for goodness' sake.

Others have complained that Workington's desperation to actually play the football match that they had travelled to see is to blame for the entire debacle, whilst Neil Young, who didn't want the game played, has escaped criticism.

"Obviously Youngy shouldn't be criticised, but then nor should anyone else really, so it's a bit inconsistent, isn't it?", mused Dr Gerald Breadbasket from the Royal Institute of Reasoned Voices.  "Research shows that some things are just no-one's fault, however much you might want a scapegoat.  You took the risk, and on this occasion, events out of anyone's control meant that it didn't pay off.  If you accept this, you'll probably manage to be a bit more philosophical about things when these unfortunate events come to pass, and you'll probably have a happier life for it."

Chester's next game is against Droylesden on Boxing Day, provided the referee doesn't cause the ground to freeze half an hour before kick off.

Thursday, 20 December 2012

Chester FC 2-0 Harrogate Town - Match Exhale

Chester overcame Harrogate Town last night in a game that, Ben Mills bodyslam aside, was so straightforward that The Jestrian has decided to take its Christmas break.  If you don't like it, come up with your own jokes.  You can start off by imaging how funny it would be if George Horan had thrown a paddy over Mills stealing his wrestling shtick.

For those interested (and it's never clear how many people that is), there is no set date for a return.  The Jestrian will merely pop up again if and when the will to Jest returns.  If you need a laugh in the mean time, there's a thread on Deva Chat which started off as being about Neil Young's salary, before descending into being about whether it's ok to discuss Neil Young's salary.  It was locked just before someone questioned whether it's ok to discuss whether it's ok to discuss Neil Young's salary.

For Jestrian notifications, you can follow on Twitter, and "like" on Facebook.  You can also buy Jestrian branded stuff by clicking on the hoody over there ->

Season's greetings,

Sharks Prowling

Wednesday, 19 December 2012

Chester FC vs Harrogate Town - Match Inhale

Chester FC take on Harrogate Town tonight, with the question on everyone's lips being "are they the lot with a railway?"

As it transpires, Harrogate Town are a separate entity to Harrogate Railway, a revelation which disappointed Chester manager and train boffin Neil Young.

"Thought I was gonna be able to chat choo-choos with their officials," sulked the Blue Chief.  "Had a right evening planned."

With competition for places fierce, things could hot up further still with Tony Gray eager for a recall, Scott Brown recovering from injury, Professor Plum impressing in training and Colonel Mustard offering a different option on the right wing.

Manager Young is wary of the opposition and has stated that the club is in "a false position", which is his way of describing North Yorkshire.

A familiar face to Chester fans, Harrogate have Lee Elam in their squad - something that most football teams have been able to boast at one time or another.

"He's had 16 clubs now - you try taking that many on a golf course, you'd get disqualified," mused Young.

Meanwhile, Adam Bolder is considered a rock in midfield for the visitors.

"Easy, now...", warned the Pun Police.

With on field matters at an all-time high, fans are looking to get their moaning fix elsewhere, with Deva Chat controversies raging in the past week over such spectacularly dull issues as pies, players celebrating on the wrong side of the pitch, the fact that Neil Young is paid for his job and the fact that Nathan Jarman likes to play, having travelling from Scunthorpe and all.

"I don't even like pies, but the fact is I need the hormone release that comes with having a good gripe," admitted one poster.  "And let's be fair now - those Racecourse monstrosities are not pies, so it's a cause worth fighting."

Furthermore, the players have considered the request that they celebrate in front of the West Stand now and then, but have ruled it out on the basis that celebrating in front of a wall of silence can be quite disheartening as it can have the effect of suddenly reminding you that football just doesn't matter.

"Besides, the West Stand has had its excitement for the year when they cheered a man throwing the ball back on the pitch on Saturday.  Bizarre that they should choose that moment to break a five year silence, but each to their own I suppose," mumbled club historian Jazz Drummer.

A win for the Blues will keep them top of the tree over Christmas, before the tree is taken out and left in the yard for the duration of January.

Tuesday, 18 December 2012

Neil Young is Queen of Chester FC

New chairman of The City Fans United, Phoney Gherkin, has confirmed that Neil Young is "basically Chester FC's version of the Queen."

In the week that the Queen was invited into a cabinet meeting at Westminster, it has been reported that Neil Young will similarly sit in on board meetings.

"We figured that if the Queen is going to be in on the government of her country, why shouldn't Youngy have a say on pies and stuff?", confirmed Gherkin, who also announced that, in order to mark the occasion, the Blues Boss has been presented with 60 Chester City coasters which were leftover stock from the old club shop.

The decision to allow Young into the boardroom had sparked major discontent amongst Seals fans earlier in the week, after Gherkin's initial statement made it sound as though the manager was going to be made a director.

"Er... nah... that woulda been stupid, wouldn't it?", spluttered Gherkin.  "Never the plan, that.  Honest."

The board do, however, have more decisions to make on this subject.  Part of Antartica is to be named Queen Elizabeth Land after the reigning monarch, and insiders have suggested that Young is holding out for this kind of treatment too.

"At the moment, the most likely solution is to name a block of four seats in the West Stand 'Neil Young Land'," confirmed TCFU media addict Jitter Bugs.  "Neil has other ideas, though.  He wants an actual Youngy Land - a Neil-based theme park built in the corner of the car park.  Says Merseyrail are willing to donate a ghost train, and everything."

Meanwhile, with Young now having spent almost three years at the club, preparations have started for his Leather Jubilee in 2013.

"We're gonna take him down to the Dee and let him wave from the Mark Twain Showboat," nodded Bugs.

Monday, 17 December 2012

Chester FC 4-1 Bishop's Stortford - Match Tell

Chester FC ran out comfortable winners against Bishop's Stortford on Saturday, in a display which confirm that Chester are in the running for the 2013 edition of World's Strongest Bench.

"I reckon we'll ace the 'Pull a train with your teeth' task," enthused an excited manager Neil Young.

Chester took the lead early, as Ben Mills guided home a Dave Hankin cross.

"Studies have proven that if an infinite number of Dave Hankins, with an infinite amount of footballs, delivered an infinite number of crosses, all of them would hit Ben Mills...  well, all except one which would ironically wipe out a typewriting monkey," confirmed definitely qualified statistician Dr Pete Sake from the Royal Institute of Exact Sciences.

Stortford got back level, but not before a bizarre passage of play which saw the referee give a penalty before revoking it, on the apparent basis that, if the Bishops player hadn't been fouled, the ball would have wound up with another player who was offside.

The Blues had much to thank defender Paul Linwood for, as he broke from the pack to convince the officials that if the flag had gone up before the referee had blown his whistle, the penalty shouldn't count.  Linwood's powers of persuasion have grown through his foray into the world of business and the referee was ultimately satisfied that the fact that foul definitely took place in the passage of play preceeding the penalty was irrelevant, and reversed his decision.

"Some people would have played Dom Collins rather than Linners, but he's been watching lots of Derren Brown videos and I had a feeling today that we might the skills that he's picked up," smirked Young, self-satisfied with another excellent selection.

The Stortford players took the decision as a personal affront, and for the rest of the game indulged in such a sickening display of referee intimidation that even Neil Young was heard to mutter that it was "a bit much".

Several players towered over the diminutive referee, foaming at the mouth like rabid dogs.  The visitors' captain Reece Prestedge was at the centre of the angry protestations.  PA warbler Cleggy showed his sense of humour minutes later when the Bishops skipper levelled the game, ironically pronouncing the midfielder's name as "Prestige", following his utterly classless antics.

"In our defence, we knew there'd be a lot of kids at the game, and we saw a great chance to demonstrate to them that bullying is perfectly fine so long as a decision in a football match is at stake," said a Bishop's Stortford official who will remain nameless, just in case you can be sued for making up quotes on a blog.  (No-one said that really.  Shh.)

In the mean time, Chester had a bit of a giggle and attempted to play on with two match officials and three opposition players still having a ruck down by the corner flag.

"We got away with it for a good minute or so - top pranking," raved kitman Jimmy Soul, who was a permanent fixture on the side line throughout the game, presumably on the off chance that someone was going to need a new sock at some stage.

Eventually, it took a second half hat-trick from Craig Curran to give Chester the convincing scoreline with which they left the match.  Following a whirlwind display whereby the on-loan wide man, along with fellow substitute Marc Williams, turned the game on its head, it was confirmed that a local company had offered to extend Curran's loan deal on the condition that the Blues develop a bell.

"Something like that, anyway," murmured an uncertain Neil Young.

Meanwhile, striker Williams has become a Deva Chat favourite, meaning that he will now have to triple his performance levels to stay in the manager's plans.

Friday, 14 December 2012

Chester FC vs Bishop's Stortford - Match Suggest

Chester take on Bishop's Stortford tomorrow as they now coast towards the title.

The game could still be at risk if the pitch doesn't stand up to the recent freeze, and manager Neil Young knows only too well what can go wrong in such situations.

"A few weeks ago I ate a Vienetta straight out of the freezer," recounted a haunted Young.  "Cracked one of my teeth right good and got a wicked brain-freeze.  The missus came downstairs to find me rolling on the floor clutching my dome.  Not dignified, I can tell you."

With Sean Clancy and Luke Denson out of the door this week, Young is rumoured to be lining up more departures, and has refused to deny rumours that the decision as to who will leave the club is to be made with recourse to a half-time game of Giant Jenga.

"That's just an option at this stage," murmured the Big Blue Cheese.  "We're also trying to source a Twister mat."

Bishop's Stortford face a lengthy trip north from Hertfordshire, having managed to find a company which illictly provides huskies for transport across the UK.  The town is known as the home of BBC Radio 1 DJ Greg James, a fact which was of little interest to CFU media boffin Jaffa Cakes.

"Come back when you've got Colin Murray," smirked Cakes, clutching his 'I heart Fighting Talk' mug.

Meanwhile, Chronicle journotron The Tall Peacock is now right back in the swing of things.

"He's the journalistic equivalent of Ben Mills," commented Young.  "Ok, he was away for a bit, but there's only so long you can keep him sidelined before you get him back in the action.  The tweets that he brings to the table are first rate."

Also on the media side of things, the fifth issue of fanzine The Blue and White is now out, and editors The Bellamy Brothers are expected to take drastic action in order to get sales.

"We've received intelligence that a hostile gang has planned the kidnap of all official programme sellers, in order to take the prime selling spots for themselves," confirmed PC Repair of the Chester Constabulary.

A win for Chester will mean that they retain a startling record of only having dropped five points all season.  But it still won't stop Deva Chatters starting threads about how we're playing the wrong formation or the wrong tactics.

Thursday, 13 December 2012

Chester FC vs Bishop's Stortford - Match Preview Preview

Chester FC face a Jestrian match preview tomorrow as they look forward to facing Bishop's Stortford at the weekend, and manager Neil Young is keen that his team come through the test with flying colours.

"I've got my observations pre-prepared and I'm ready to provide some catchy soundbites," confirmed Young.  "As per usual, I've got loads to say and some quotes are going to have to be left out in favour of the stronger ideas.  It's tough making those calls, as all the words want to be getting said regularly but it's what I'm paid to do."

Indeed, Young has now spoken for over an hour in his pre-match press conference for 57 games in a row, and the Blue Chief will be looking to continue the run tomorrow.

"We've not had a midweek game, so the vocal cords are fresh and hopefully we'll be good to go," nodded The King of The Seals.  "There's always the danger that they may be a little slow getting going, but I'll do the right preparation - have some lemon and honey."

The piece will then move on to discuss any ongoings at the club this week.

"There've been a few ins and outs, so there should be plenty of competetion for places in this middle bit of the article," confirmed The Jestrian.

At this point, Chester's opponents will be considered, with the fact that they have a funny name likely to be the prime source of material.

"They made a pun on my name before our last game, so hopefully I'm safe this time," wished manager Rod Stringer.

With such subjects out of the way, The Jestrian is then expected to continue its promotion of Chester Chronicle journalists as micro-celebrities, with underdog Sharks Prowling carrying out his usual exercise of hoping that it might be one of those rare articles where he takes primacy over colleague The Tall Peacock.  It is unknown how those musings will conclude, though early rumours suggest that a trusty cryptic implication that Dan Burns off of the Seals Podcast is the Jestrian may be due to make an appearance.

The preview will then be rounded off with a last line that says something about what will happen if Chester win, with any Deva Chat hysteria likely to be referenced here.

Wednesday, 12 December 2012

Christmas Cards

With Christmas approaching, the Chester squad have joined in public discontent with the official website, after discovering that the stats pages aren't up to date.

Crafty Blues players had hoped to co-ordinate a couple of bookings to allow them either Boxing Day or New Year's Day off, but a quick check of the discipline tab on chesterfc.com has left them tearing their hair out.

"I'm not sure if I'm on three or if I've picked up another since then," fretted right back Wes Baynes.  "I've gotta get this timed right, otherwise New Year's Eve is down the pan.  The whole community comes out for a Baynesy disco, I need to make sure I've got the day after off."

Antoni Sarcevic remains confident that he is one caution shy of sitting a match out, giving him the tricky choice of December 26th or January 1st.

"I do like to get a good fill on Christmas Day, so maybe Boxing Day is best," mused 'Sarce'.  "New Year's is a bit over-rated anyway - too expensive and I don't know the words to Auld Lang's Syne."

"Might just see what opportunities present themselves though - I want to get full value for the yellow card.

The practice is nothing new around the club.  Blues fans were left smarting for weeks last year when Michael Powell, incensed at his own uncharacteristic failure to be suspended for the Boxing Day clash with Northwich Victoria, acted out by waving his hands near the face of Vics defender John Disney, who hit the ground like a man who'd suddenly forgotten how legs work.

"I understand the players' frustration at having to play these games when everyone else is off work," sympathised manager Neil Young.  "I'd try it myself, but last time I got a touchline ban, Gaz Powell told me I had to come along and sit in the stands anyway.  Buzzkill - I'd planned to go paintballing with my friends Chopper, Big Dog and The Goose."

Meanwhile, confirmation has seeped through that Chester's home match with Harrogate next Wednesday will take place despite Harrogate's involvement in the West Ridings Cup the night before.  This news was tweeted by Chronicle ink artist The Tall Peacock, who spent the rest of the day excitedly reporting on the fact that for a brief moment today, it was 12:12:12 on 12/12/12.

"Come back when you've seen 12:12:12 on 12/12/1212," scoffed William Longespée, 3rd Earl of Salisbury.

Tuesday, 11 December 2012

It's really cold

Chester is currently very cold, and The Blues are doing all they can to beat the freeze.  Following the failure to co-ordinate the laying down of the infamous pitch covers yesterday, Chester FC officials have been resorting to novel techniques in their attempts to ensure that Saturday's game at home to Bishop's Stortford will go ahead.

"I was out there all morning with a pick-axe," confirmed Blues Bar manager Raving Larry.  "Got plenty of ice for the J2Os now, and I felt like one of them North Pole explorer types.  Dead exciting, it was."

Meanwhile, manager and hip-hop legend Neil Young has taken a more drastic approach, setting his suede loafers on fire, before putting them on and strutting around the Exacta pitch singing "Here come the hotstepper" by Ini Kamozi.

"The boss should always do whatever it takes to get the game on," grimaced a plainly uncomfortable Young, the charred remains of his socks clinging to his feet.

Meanwhile, behind the scenes, club CEO Pet Husky has been working on ensuring that the Blues don't lose revenue during the frosty months.

"We've already linked up with Cheshire Phoenix, and now we're thinking maybe we should extend that and welcome Flintshire Freeze into the family," explained the Husky.  "That way, if it's too cold to play football, we can stage an ice hockey match instead and everyone wins.  There's lots of fighting in ice hockey so we'll even have the Halifax fans back for that one, if they wish."

With slippery roads and treacherous pathways, Luke Denson has decided that the journey to work isn't going to be much fun for a while and has returned on loan to Colwyn Bay.

And Young has told Chronicle scribble-man The Tall Peacock that there may be more departures.

"Yeah, there's the 18:56 terminating at Lime Street, there's the 19:07 via Rock Ferry and... no, wait I don't do the trains anymore, why are you asking me about departures?", stropped Young, storming off.

If the game does go ahead on Saturday, fans will be invited to enter into a prize draw for the opportunity to playing curling on the pitch at half-time, using Gary Powell as the broom.

Monday, 10 December 2012

Brackley Town 2-3 Chester FC - Match Stroll

Chester FC's season finally tipped over into the realms of the "absolutely ridiculous" on Saturday, as they swept aside arguably their closest contenders for promotion with an ease that allowed them to depart the pitch five minutes before their rivals and still win.

The Blues are now six points clear of the next nearest challenger Guiseley, and given that they've only dropped five points all season, a third title in a row is now a foregone conclusion.

"Just gonna put my feet up now," swaggered manager Neil Young.  "Might swerve the Bishop's Stortford game next weekend, and trot down to the Greyhound to do some Christmas shopping instead."

The Blues took the lead through Dave Hankin who was back in the starting line-up for the first time in weeks.  The goal marked the 57th game in succession in which Chester have scored, and the players marked it by replicating Gazza's "dentist chair" celebration, but using Heinz Tomato Ketchup instead of bottled water.

"I was tasting it for the rest of the game," admitted Hankin, later.  "Gave me a right craving for a hot dog."

Hankin then turned provider as his cross fell for Ben Mills in the area, and the former Macclesfield man made no mistake, leading to a sigh of relief from every Seals fan in the vicinity.

"There was a little bit of a concern that Millsy might have done a Torres," explained Young.  "I didn't quite spend fifty million on him, but it wasn't far off - we figured we could stretch to it, what with all the 20p pledges on Deva Chat.  So it's good that it turns out he still knows where the goal is."

Chester found a third in the second half when a Wes Baynes corner was headed in by George Horan.  This is an occurence which feels like it takes place every week, but probably hasn't actually happened all that often.

With the game wrapped up, Young waved his players off the pitch, citing that they needed to rest up before next weekend's clash with The Bishops.

The move drew criticism from some, especially as Brackley's Steve Diggin netted twice to make things tense, but the Blues ran out 3-2 winners, much to the delight of their manager.

"This is a watershed moment in our season, no-one can stop us now," raved Young before breaking into an exuberent rendition of the 'Soulja Boy' dance.

With sub-zero temperatures expected, fans have been asked to help put the covers on the Exacta pitch or, failing that, everyone is asked to pick up a can of de-icer on their way to the ground on Saturday.

Friday, 7 December 2012

Brackley Town vs Chester FC - Match Gawp

Chester finally face their primary contenders for the season Brackley Town tomorrow, with creative fans ready to come up with hilarious names for the Northamptonshire side should the rivallry become a bit tasty.

"We need our Chorley for the season," explained Proportionate Blue off of the Deva Chats before starting a brainstorming session.  "Brackscum has a good, witty ring to it. Or Scumley.  Brackley Scumtown?"

Inexplicably, Brackley currently sit third in the league a point behind the equally unlikely Guiseley in second and with a game in hand.  Meanwhile, Halifax are a massive 20 points behind Chester.  Yeah, that's right, twenty points.  Know your place, Shaymen.

Chester are without Dom Collins and Scott Brown for the clash, with both suspended, whilst training was cancelled this week after several players called in sick.

"I just got a string of phonecalls from the lads, all with suspicious-sounding sore throats, saying they couldn't show up," mused Neil Young, talking to the Jestrian whilst he was supposed to be on the phone to the Seals Podcast. "I've heard reports that they were embroiled in a pretty tense game of High Stakes Snap at Gary Powell's house.  If I find there's any truth in that rumour, people are going to be in trouble.  Not inviting Youngy?  Youngy's an expert Snapper. Don't leave Youngy out.  Youngy."

With ice and rain sweeping the country, Brackley had confirmed that the game is fine to go ahead, with a press release stating that St James Park is perfect playing condition.  However, manager Jon Brady has confirmed that this was a somewhat confused message.

"We asked the pitch inspectors to take a look at the St James Park pitch, and they went down to Exeter," despaired the former Chester City Aussie.  "I wouldn't mind, but if you were going to get the wrong SJP, surely you'd go to Newcastle?"

Amongst the more notable Brackley players is keeper Billy Turley who quit the club earlier in the season, only to return after Brackley registered a heavy loss in their first game without him.

"He's basically a goalkeeping version of Steve Ashton," nodded Neil Young.

A victory for the Blues will see them strengthen their grip on the number one spot, which they've managed to maintain despite not having played all that well for about six weeks now.

Thursday, 6 December 2012

Sign 'em up

Chester fans will be enjoying a super special Christmas this year as the club has arranged a signing session in the Blues Bar, so that thoughtful gifters can get players to write on the presents they plan to give.

Taking advantage of a society which rather peculiarly values the defacing of clothing, so long as the grafitti is the work of someone who people might know, Blues players will congregate in the bar to scrawl all over shirts and other merchandise.  Antoni Sarcevic, having been burned earlier in the week, is thought to be reluctant in his attendance.

Meanwhile, other Seals are thought to be smarting over reports that Ben Mills will have his own stall, signing his "let's all do the Milbot" t-shirt.

"I've been here since day one, why don't I have a shirt?", grumbled captain George Horan.  "Just because I don't have a novelty celebration, there's plenty of slogans you could use with a picture of me...  "Being 100% fit is for wusses"... "You say 'striker', I say 'climbing frame"... "Witton away was proper boss"... there's gold in there."

The event is attracting a lot of buzz from fans, but also from the wider community.

"I had Ian Howard do some plastering round my house," explained Graham Pummicestone from Upton, who knows nothing about football.  "He got it all done, proper smooth, so I'm gonna get him to sign a brick for me."

It has also been confirmed that kitman Jimmy Soul will be in attendance, signing copies of his best-selling autobiography "My Journey So Far".

"I'd recommend it as a great stocking filler," advised Blues manager Neil Young.  "It's a real rollercoaster ride.  I don't want to give out any spoilers or anything, but his anecdote about the time he had to open a new packet of socks because he'd only packed one of George's stockings is heart-wrenching to say the least."

Attendees will also be able to sip mulled wine thanks to Bar Manager Raving Larry.  This would be a novelty at most clubs, but then most clubs don't sell RosĂ© in the refreshment stalls at home matches.

And with good reason.

Wednesday, 5 December 2012

Chairman of the Board

As of today, Chester FC has a new chairman, with business man The Phony Gherkin voted into the hot seat.

The news has been welcomed by fans, as The Gherkin has a good track record in business, time to devote to the cause and is also benefited by the fact that, even though his name has been bandied around the club for years, most fans have no idea what he looks like.

"It means I can basically wander about the place and I won't have busybodies coming up to me asking when we're bringing real pies back or why we still haven't signed Ben Mills," enthused The Gherkin, during his first press conference.

The Mickle Trafford-based business wizard made his name in the corporate world with QHP Ltd, a company he formed in 1987.  Standing for Quality Hydraulic Power, QHP is one of Europe's leading manufacturers of gas loaded bladder, piston and diaphragm accumulators, which are words that we've all seen before, but never in that order.

"I think it sets me up well for taking a football club forward, because once upon a time footballs were made from a pig's bladder," nodded The Gherkin, sagely.

Meanwhile, former Blues chief executive Asher Ste has been elected as vice chairman.  Asher oversaw Chester's successful first season before returning to his role with MBNA, which is an American basketball league or something.  With the Blues posting a loss last year, Asher decided to stand for election, with a manifesto which simply read "you really can't cope without me, can you?"

Blues fans are currently delighted at the appointments, given that both characters have a solid track record in business, overlooking the fact that they have gotten to that point through skilfully maximising the profit gleaned from their customer base.

"Everyone always talks about wanting Chester to be a community club, but just at the moment there's a bit of a fad for wanting experienced businessmen in charge," explained the Chronicle's Shaving Pigs, standing in for The Tall Peacock.  "Of course, to make a successful business, you explore every profit-making avenue available and make the customer pay as much as possible.  And it'll only take another proposed price increase for us to see fans turn on the very concept they are currently so ferociously supporting."

Indeed, with Blues fans characteristically confused as to what they actually want from the club, the job of the new men in charge is utterly impossible, so good luck to them with that.

Meanwhile, proving that no-one can actually retire from service to Chester FC, Dumbell Lift, who stepped down from the board only a couple of weeks ago, will continue as Company Secretary.

Tuesday, 4 December 2012

Young antics

Antoni Sarcevic suffered a shock today as his lawyers finally got round to reading his new contract, signed this weekend following negotiations with manager Neil Young.

The midfielder had thought that he was merely signing an extension through to the end of next season, but Sarcevic admits that he didn't actually read the fine print.

"Turns out that Youngy has slipped in some clauses on the sly," fumed the former Crewe man.  "First I knew about it was this morning, when I get a call from the gaffer asking why I've not been over to mow his lawn yet.  Apparently I signed up to do his grass every other Tuesday."

And the King of the Seals has shown no remorse.

"I'm always telling the lads, they need a good eye for detail," insisted Young.  "Especially at this level, where the players need a second job - it's a really employable skill.  I'm hoping that Sarce learns from this.  Or if he hasn't already, that he does after a few weeks of coming round to put the rubbish out.  Mrs Young's particularly delighted I've pulled that one off.  She hates manoeuvring those wheelie bins."

Sarcevic's waste duties don't stop there.  He is also charged with separating out the recycling.

"I've never got my head round that," confessed Young.  "When does glass become plastic?  I don't know... it's madness."

The sneaky ruse has, however, been branded short-sighted by those in the know, with insiders indicating that centre-back Dom Collins is now reluctant to sign a contract extension.

"Dom's been brilliant this year, but now his future looks in jeopardy," said an anonymous source, who looked suspiciously like Collins himself.  "He was all set to sign the new contract that had been put in front of him, but then he heard about Sarce's fate and read through the document properly.

"He discovered that Neil had slipped in a condition that obliges Dom to scream 'Youngy is my hero!' every time he jumps for a header - and that's just not workable."

The practice is nothing new at the club.  When Iain Howard first joined Chester, he was soon dismayed to discover that he had signed a pledge to fight for his position with a slew of left-wingers, many of whom would often be brought in whilst the plasterer was right at the top of his game.  Young himself, meanwhile, fell victim to the same trap.

"I was so excited to be named Chester boss that I signed the contract without reading it through," recounted the Blue Chief.  "Wound up having to wear that puffer coat for a year and a half before they'd let me have a proper anorak.  I learnt my lesson, and I'm just trying to make sure the players do the same."

Monday, 3 December 2012

Chester FC 4-2 Worcester City - Match Close

Chester remain top of the table following a 4-2 victory which everyone apart from striker Nathan Jarman appeared to enjoy.

The Blues were 1-0 up inside 10 minutes, with Antoni Sarcevic tapping home a rebounded Wes Baynes free kick.

"I just about got to the ball in time," recounted Sarcevic.  "Didn't think I was going to get there, but fortunately Movember's over, so I was carrying a tiny bit less moustache weight and so I had the agility to get in and poke the ball home."

Baynes himself had a goal struck off moments later as the linesman decided that he didn't mean it.

"Deffo a cross, that," the assistant tweeted to the referee, who duly ruled it out.

With the score 1-0 at half-time, Worcester found their way back in, as John Danby successfully managed to get beaten by yet another screamer, cranking his tally up into double figures for the season.

"Sometimes you gotta make 'em look a bit flash by getting a stylish dive out for the cameras," explained Danby.  "This one was pretty good regardless, but I threw a dive into the mix anyway - proper dench."

Chester hit back with three goals in fifteen minutes, Craig Curran and Iain Howard netting headers before Matty McGinn dispatched a penalty much to the upset of Jarman, who thought that he should have been allowed to take it.

"My fault really," admitted manager Neil Young.  "I forgot to tell him that Matty is Chester's penalty taker.  Just figured everyone in football knew, given that "McGinn (pen)" sprang up on the scoresheet twice a week last season."

Jarman later took to Twitter to vent his frustration - an indiscretion labelled as a "one-off" by those who haven't read his Wikipedia entry.  Meanwhile, rumours circulated after the game that Jarman's displeasure was based in the fact that he is due a bonus for every goal scored - a practice which has somehow yet to be stamped out of professional football.

"Goal bonuses are as bad as match-fixing," said Dr Cherrypicker from The Royal Institute of Someone Please Stop This Madness in Vicars Cross.  "Paying someone a sum of money to alter how they play, possibly for the worse? 

"Picture this - last game of the season, Ben Mills is square, goal at his mercy.  An easy pass from Jarmo and Chester score and win the league.  But wait!  Jarmo needs a new Xbox controller!  He takes the shot himself, dreaming of the two player game of Forza Motorsport he's going to enjoy later.  Bang!  Hits the outside of the post and goes wide.  Suddenly, Chester go out in the play-offs, Young fails to keep the team together, a slide to mid-table follows, Young departs, fans stop coming, Chester drop back down into the Evo Stik and the next thing you know, we're all having to go to Prescot Cables.  And nobody needs that ever again."

Chester now look ahead to a monster clash with Brackley Town - a sentence which is a sobering reminder of the level at which we play these days.