Friday, 28 September 2012

Stalybridge Celtic vs Chester FC - Match Chew

Chester FC travel to Stalybridge Celtic tomorrow as they return to league action seeking to topple inexplicable Blue Square North leaders Brackley from the head of the table.

The Blues finally lost their first league game of the season a fortnight ago when Boston United made an unwelcome nuisance of themselves by defeating the Blues 3-2.

"I cannot be doing with teams who try to be all clever by winning and stuff," grumbled Chester boss Neil Young when reminded of the York Street clash.  "I'm trying to run a football club here, and that's not a job that's made any easier by these Smart Alecs coming along and trying to beat us."

Young has finally increased his striking options, having signed free-scoring forward Tony Gray.  Gray, who has a name that's more suited to a stationery salesman, might actually be a stationery salesman in his other job.  We've not done the research, to be honest.

"I've wanted to sign for Chester for a while," Gray told Chronicle human-typewriter The Tall Peacock.  "Heard all kinds of great stuff about the Exacta - my old mate Mike Powell told me that I might get a pint of ale named after me or a name-check in an MC Youngy's record.  It's the clearly the place to be."

Young had also expected to have the well-travelled forward Mark Redshaw at his disposal, but reports now suggest that the former Manchester United trainee will not be signing for the Blues.

"To tell you the truth, we're not actually sure he was ever a real player," admitted Young.  "Seems there's quite a bit of evidence to suggest that he might just have been a FIFA 12 avatar that got out of hand."

Stalybridge are managed by Jim Harvey, who had a stint as Chester City boss before he was sacked and replaced by Morrell Maison - a move which ought to have been staggering, but that came at such a time in the club's history that it seemed about right, all told.  There have been occasional calls for Harvey's return since the formation of the new club, from fans who presumably figure that Harvey forged a strong emotional attachment with a club which failed to pay his players properly before sacking him.

"I'm sure he'd love to come back," insisted Deva Chat poster 'youngysoutofhisdepth'.  "He's bound to have fond memories of that time - managing a team with dwindling crowds and financial woes whilst enjoying no job security whatsoever.  That's the dream."

The Blues may also run into former City players Tim Ryan and Kristian Platt as well as Andy Ralph, that goalkeeper that seemed to get a trial at Chester every pre-season back in the early 2000s.

A pitch inspection is expected at 9.30am, but not for the purposes of establishing whether play will go ahead.  It just turns out that the people of Stalybridge like to do that kind of thing.

Thursday, 27 September 2012

Mail Merge

Jestrian HQ was rocked this week as reactionary bilge-rag The Daily Mail published an article highlighting the gaping flaws in the Football League Interactive website template, as used by Chester FC and 80-odd other unfortunate football clubs.  This represents a staggering editorial overlap with The Jestrian, which has been tediously banging on about how dreadful an operation FLi is for over a year now.

"We heard reports that at half ten on Tuesday, the Daily Mail website had uploaded an article pointing out how rubbish the FLi platform is," confirmed a crumpled Jestrian.  "So yeah, we're now basically doing the same kind of shtick as Daily Mail.  I feel sick.  I suppose we should have seen it coming.  After all, The Jestrian has always been committed to reporting complete fiction and exaggerating ridiculous opinions in order to provoke our readers, so I guess its always been quite similar to the Mail in many ways."

According to the Mail piece, FLi have faced a wholesale backlash from the clubs which use it, each of whom have been forced to send their media officers back to their fans with lines such as "we're all in the same boat", "it'll be boss when it works properly" and "no, I don't know what Little Mix's latest single has to do with our club either".

Given that anything published by The Daily Mail must be ignored for the good of the country, The Jestrian is now considering a change in stance and throwing its full support behind the official website.

"Obviously I'd rather have fleas than ever see that 'enter website' pop-up again, but if we criticise the official web-space, we're basically implying that there's some validity to a Daily Mail article," continued The Jestrian.  "That can't be allowed to happen."

"Of course, on the plus side, if we're nice about the official website, we might return to those days when Banksy and the club used to big up the blog on Twitter.  Those were happier times for us all, weren't they?"

The Jestrian then went on to dismiss suggestions that yesterday's postponed match forced the blog to ditch a match report in favour of self-indulgent rambling.

Chester are now due to travel to Stalybridge on Saturday, but unconfirmed early reports suggest that Bower Fold has been washed away and was last seen beached on a housing estate somewhere near Hyde.

Wednesday, 26 September 2012

Chester FC vs Gainsborough Trinity - Match Soak

Chester welcome Gainsborough Trinity to the Exacta Stadium tonight as they have another go at getting past the FA Cup second qualifying round.

Halifax await in the third qualifying round, which is far more exciting a fixture than the Blues usually manage to land in cup competitions, and therefore Gainsborough will be confident of the victory.  They do, however, face a grim widweek trip from Lincolnshire and no-one needs that.

In a recent interview with Leader leader Tennis Ball, the imminently full-time Chester boss Neil Young stated that he understands "big business and strategy", leading to suspicions that Saturday's draw at the Northolme was cleverly engineered by the Seals Supremo.

"This replay is gonna bring in some serious cash," mused Chronicle journalist The Tall Peacock.  "Youngy might have pulled off a masterstroke, here."

Young has also signed two new strikers, but will have to wait to play with his new toys, as neither man was signed in time to be eligible.  The most recent, Tony Gray, has scored 78 goals for Southport whilst Mark Redshaw, signed late last week, has played in 78 different countries.

"Tony will provide us with a direct goal threat," confirmed Young.  "Mark, on the other hand, will be a bit more subtle.  He's like super multi-lingual by this point, so he's gonna try holding conversations with centre backs in foreign languages.  They'll be trying to remember the French grammar they were taught at GCSE, then BANG!  Mark's netted one.

"It's a bit leftfield, but it just might work."

The game will only go ahead provided that the unneccessary rain that has been hanging round these last couple of days ceases. 

"The rain has been pounding down in the stands," confirmed Chester CEO Pet Husky.  "It's the first time that anything in the West Stand has ever been described as 'bouncing'."

Should the game remain level after 90 minutes, extra time and penalties are in store, which is always exciting when it's on TV and not your team, but it better not happen tonight.

Tuesday, 25 September 2012

Planning for a rainy day

As the rain continues to pour, officials from The City Fans United are hurriedly attempting to forge contingency plans should the Exacta Stadium wind up under water by kick off in tomorrow's FA Cup replay against Gainsborough Trinity.

Rainfall in the area has been so severe that journalists Sharks Prowling and Caramel Lucy, the most prominent members of the Chester Chronicle's Gorgeous Hair Department, took to Twitter requesting information and photographs of the outrageous storm, in an attempt to fill the pages of the city's favourite chip-wrapper with stories about it.

"As a rule, you can get one column inch per inch of rain," explained Prowling.  "It's been a nightmare for drivers and residents, but it does mean that I've had a chance to one-up The Tall Peacock for a couple of days.  No-one's even interested in his 'I know Neil Young' reports whilst there's water falling out of the sky."

It is believed that the Exacta Stadium is currently brimming with water, with waves spilling out over the East Stand and into the car-park behind.

"It reminds me of that time the missus left the bath running," mused manager Young.  "Set it going, then fell asleep, didn't she?  I get home and there's water rushing down the stairs and dripping through the ceiling.  Wasn't a lost cause though, we liked the damp sofas so much that we now have them on most Merseyrail trains."

Should the water remain, club officials are believed to be reluctant to call the match off.

"We may just change the format," confirmed Chester CEO Pet Husky.  "Water Polo is one option, but Youngy reckons we might even be able to take Gainsborough down in a synchronised swimming contest.  Apparently Dave Hankin can hold his breath for like thirty seconds, so we should have the edge if it comes to that."

Blues media officer Jaffa Cakes is confident that a proper game of football can still be salvaged, but indicated that fans may be needed to help out.

"There's a few pint glasses in the Blues Bar these days," commented Cakes.  "Basically, if we can get a few volunteers down the Exacta, arm them each with a tankard and set 'em to work scooping out the flood-water we should be able to get the pitch clear in time for kick off.  We can probably even sell the water we scoop up as the new Spitting Feathers variation - give it a witty, topical name like Howard's Shiny Teeth and no-one will even notice they're drinking muddy precipitation."

With the weather forecast indicating that the weather should have eased by tomorrow, the more immediate worry for the club lies in the fact that a whale has taken up residence in a rain-filled pothole in the car-park.

"We've been meaning to sort those holes," lamented Cakes.  "We've been lax about it, and I guess we've paid the price.  Don't even know how the big guy got in there, but there's a real concern that he might misinterpret any chants of 'we all hate Wales' eminating from the Harry Mac, and get depressed about it."

Fans planning to attend have been reassured that Neil Young does still have a limited number puffer jackets that can be handed out and used as floatation devices in case of emergency, but these will be allocated on a first come first serve basis.

Monday, 24 September 2012

Gainsborough Trinity 1-1 Chester FC - FA Cup Write-Up

Fresh off the back of their first defeat of the season, Chester produced their first draw on Saturday, after manager Neil Young indicated that he found a 7-0-1 record aesthetically troubling.

The Blues trotted out Lincolnshire way for the second weekend running for their first ever FA Cup-ish outing as they took on Gainsborough Trinity in the second qualifying round of the country's oldest cup competition.

Gainsborough's line up featured not only Blues legend Darryn Stamp but also a man called Luke Waterfall, which is not a name.

The hosts took the lead after 10 minutes as Gainsborough striker Paul Connor scored with a looping header.  In the immediate aftermath of the goal, many Blues fans could be seen preparing their post-match drawl about how it "doesn't matter that we lost" and how it's amazing that Chester are even in the FA Cup after everything the club has been through.

"Remember where we were three years ago," ranted away-day regular Julie Saltshaker.  "We weren't playing in the FA Cup, I can tell you that much.

"Yes ok, we were a few weeks later when we entered at the fourth qualifying round, but I think you're missing the point."

Chester refused to bow to their opposition, however, and fought back hard, roared on by manager Young, who has this season traded his trademark puffer coat for the suited-and-booted look.

"The board told me they could get a job lot of custom-made Jeff Banks suits for me," recounted Young of his new clobber.  "I thought they meant the designer label, but it turns out that they meant CFU director Banksy wanted rid of some of his formal wear.

"Bit annoying but I've cut the Matalan labels out and I'm making the best of it."

Chester got their equaliser on the half hour mark, slotting home well after good work by Antoni Sarcevic.  Jarman wheeled away in celebration, though it later turned out that he was chasing down the assistant referee in order to ask how many qualifying rounds there actually are.

"He didn't know either, can someone find out for me?", asked Jarman after the game, his request met by a sea blank faces in the press area.

The 1-1 scoreline remained for the rest of the game, and whilst the Chester manager believed that they could have won the game, Young indicated that he was pleased enough with the result.

"Wednesday nights have been boring round Youngy's house ever since they moved Corrie to a Thursday," admitted the Seals Commander.  "It'll be nice to have something to do."

Friday, 21 September 2012

Gainsborough Trinity v Chester FC - FA Cup Limber Up

Chester FC finally join in with the excitement of the FA Cup when they travel to Gainsborough Trinity in the Second Qualifying Round tomorrow.

"I don't remember playing the first qualifying round?" queried a baffled Blues boss Neil Young.  "And isn't Gainsborough Trinity a polytechnic University?  Sure it was sixth choice on my UCAS form when I applied for my combined football and trains management BTEC."

The Seals will be hoping to progress to the next round so that we can all once again go through that crushing experience of hoping that we'll draw a big club, or maybe at least Wrexham, before being massively disappointed with an away tie against some remote outfit no-one knows anything about.

Like Gainsborough Trinity.

The hosts have had some high-profile names hang out round the club.  In the early eighties they were managed by Famous Neil Warnock, whilst in 2009 Brian Little was appointed as manager, despite a CV which most recently included Tranmere Rovers and Wrexham.

"Anyone who's taken jobs at those places needs a bit of a boost," said Gainsborough chairman and zoo animal Peter the Swan.  "We took pity on him - imagine spending three years of your life in Tranmere only to wind up in Wrexham... talk about out of the frying pan into the deeply depressing barely-Welsh quasi-wasteland."

Chester have had to wait a couple of years to have a run at the FA Cup due to some stuff about missing deadlines or not doing some paperwork or something.  But Young believes that this time out from the competition will only make his side hungrier.

"Yeah, we can win it.  You don't know what you've got til it's gone - we're bang-focused for this," insisted Young.  "As long as we can avoid the tough draws, such as the 92 League clubs taking part, we'll be alright.  Alternatively, we can do what we did in the FA Trophy last year - play an average Conference side who are still part-time, then come away all teary-eyed at running them close."

This was a reference to last year's defeat at Ebbsfleet, who used to be Gravesend & Northfleet.

"That used to be a risible fixture in the calendar, of course," recalls club historian Jazz Drummer.  "Nowadays, it seems that we're happy to be patronised by clubs like that praising us for almost not losing to them.  It's the beauty of the cup!"

Young has indicated that another trip South, like that Ebbsfleet hike, is to be avoided at all costs.

"I know I'm turning full-time and everything, but I'm just not keen on the travel," explained Young.  "Basically, any tie that an Exile can smugly declare as 'brilliant' is not welcome round Youngy's gaff.  In fact, the idea of it is stressing me already.  May just play the kids tomorrow."

Thursday, 20 September 2012

When "Full Time" is just the beginning...

Neil Young is on the verge of becoming Chester FC's full-time manager, reports the Chester Chronicle after Deva Chat reported it first.

Many were seen glancing up at the night sky in search of a Blue Moon last night, as posters on the genius-hive of a message board finally reported a rumour with some credibility, forcing the club to confirm that Young has arranged to take a sabbatical from his day job with Merseyrail.

"Chester fans love to believe they know something the rest of you don't," confirmed Dr Gerry Ratchethead from the Royal Institute of Bragging Rights.  "Obviously, if Neil Young had already become full time, that would have been reported, but someone got a sniff of the fact that it might be happening and splashed it everywhere so that they'd get a shiny medal, or hat, or something."

"Earlier in the season, you had lads reporting that director Bust Fuse had definitely quit and that Adam Proudlock had failed to show up to training, but this time they managed to at least get vaguely close to the truth, and that's good enough for Deva Chat."

The move to full-time by Young could have wide-reaching implications, including the outside possibility that if he makes it big time, MC Youngy could go viral in about 15 years.

"Obviously we'll need him to pick up some extra duties if he's going full-time," indicated media king and CFU director Jaffa Cakes, who has yet to pick up even a part-time wage for his full-time position at the club.  "He'll be taking a couple of shifts in the Blues Bar and mucking out Lupus's living quarters - the sort of stuff that just needs doing."

Merseyrail have been very accommodating in agreeing to the decision, though admitted they had some reservations at first.

"When Neil came to us and said he wanted to be a full-time football manager, we had a giggle at first.  We thought it was like his 'I want to be an astronaut' speech of a couple of years ago," said Merseyrail superboss Calvin Trains. 

"Then it turned out it was an actual deal he'd been offered.  We had to let him have a go.  He used to run our work five-a-side and it was clear that the lad had potential, the way he used to book that Sports Hall."

There have been no rumblings as to whether Young's backroom staff will also be upgrading their status, leading to fears that the Blues boss may taunt his colleagues by waving his payslip around on the last Friday of every month.

Wednesday, 19 September 2012

The Name Gain

Public debate rages as Certain Chester fans continue to clamour for the restoration of the word "City" to the team's name, for no apparent reason.

"City" was only added to the old club's moniker in 1983, before which everyone got on just fine without it.

The old Chester FC witnessed the season where five Chester strikers each scored twenty goals.  It also witnessed the exciting promotion campaign of 1974-75 and many famous cup runs.  Chester City presided over the demolition of Sealand Road, several incompetent chairman and the ultimate demise of the club.

"It's basically like lobbying Coco Pops to change their name back to Choco Krispies. It isn't what they were called originally, and when they were called that, it was rubbish," explained Dr Vincent Convenient from the Royal Institute of Cereal History in Gloucester.

However, some fans are concerned the absence of the alliterative second word may lead to people not realising that Chester is a city.

"Heard some Halifax jokers talking about Chester town centre the other week," recounted a haunted fan Harry Lancelot. "Horrifying."

On the flipside, some fans who do not wish to see the old name restored have even objected to any chants involving the word "city", but we couldn't find a quote from anyone who could explain why.

Green activists have backed the current name, indicating that the amount of ink that has been wasted by including the word "City" on teamsheets and in newspapers over the years is enough to be able to keep a medium-sized squid entertained for three and a half years.

"In fact, any place with only one team shouldn't have a second name at all," said campaigner Phoenix Amazon, because they've all got names like that. "We wholeheartedly support the name Chester FC. Change it and we'll burn your ground down in protest. Cos that's a green thing to do."

Tuesday, 18 September 2012

Young Heartbreak

Chester assistant manager Gary Jones has asked journalists to respect boss Neil Young's right to privacy as the Blues Supremo attempts to come to terms with the breakdown of his club's relationship with striker Ben Mills.

Following a drawn-out rocky period, Young eventually chose to let the liaison perish.  Whilst the former Colwyn Bay manager put on a brave show for a recent press release, it is believed that he has taken the whole incident rather hard.

"He's been in here well past last orders every night since the Boston game," reported Blues Bar manager Raving Larry.  "He had pictures of him and Ben doing the Milbot together and he was recounting the moment that he secured the loan deal.  He's clearly hurting right now."

Young's second-in-command Jones admits it has been a difficult time for all concerned.
"Neil knows he's done the right thing, but sometimes that's not enough," said the ex-Tranmere forward.  "We've had to confiscate his phone as he was sending Millsy texts, pleading, trying to see if he could make things work."

"He needs a bit of time, that's all.  Neil's a great gaffer and there's plenty of strikers who'd consider themselves lucky to play for him.  He just can't see that right now."

First team coach Gary Powell has also been helping Young's recovery.

"We're trying to help him keep busy.  We're gonna take him for a scouting mission in Elgin midweek.  Let him meet some new strikers," said Powell.  "Hopefully he won't go on the rebound and sign the first guy who scores against us, though.  That's how the old Chester did business, and no-one wants that."

Young has insisted to Blues fans that he did everything in his power to make the permanent transfer happen, including offering the Macclesfield forward a barrel of Spitting Feathers and a fortnightly text from friend of the club, Famous Colin Murray.

"It all turned out to be futile," reported Chronicle writing-ninja The Tall Peacock.  "It transpires that Ben took Neil round to meet his agent and club, and they didn't approve.  Kept telling Ben he could do better, apparently.  It's a real shame, but maybe one day things will settle down to a level where they can try again."

Monday, 17 September 2012

Boston United 3-2 Chester FC - Match Letter

Chester finally lost a match at the weekend, running out on the wrong end of a 3-2 scoreline against Boston.

The Lincolnshire outfit - best known by Blues fans for stealing Daryl Clare back in 2004 by cunningly being located where the Clare family felt most settled - gave Chester a first-half hiding, mostly by running really fast at defensive line which seemed to lack pace of its own.

The hosts flew into the lead after eight minutes, Ben Fairclough slotting one past John Danby, who picked the ball out of the net, chuckling to himself.

"Heh, it's not like we're gonna lose, is it?", he was heard to snigger to captain George Horan.

The Chester keeper wore a slightly more confused look as Fairclough's second goal shot past him just after the half hour mark.  Then - two minutes later - Marc Newsham nipped in to make it three, taking advantage of the fact that Danby and Wes Baynes had stopped to have a chat about whether either of them could remember what it was like to experience defeat.

Manager Neil Young switched things up at half-time, introducing Nathan Jarman and the inexplicably perpetual substitute Iain Howard.  Barely five minutes had passed before Howard had netted twice and brought his team back into the game.

"I'm starting to think this lad might actually be half-decent, you know," muttered Young to his assistant Gary Jones, as the plasterer celebrated his second.

Despite their best efforts, however, the Seals could not provide a levelling third goal and it finished 3-2.

"For those interested in statistics, this is the first league game that Chester have lost in flippin' ages," confirmed club historian Jazz Drummer.

Young made no excuses to the gaggle of journalists who finally had the chance to dust off their "questions to ask after a defeat" cheat-sheets.  The Blue Chief stated that he was unhappy with the team's first half performance and "fed up" with the then-ongoing Ben Mills transfer debacle.  He went on to comment that he is "proper bored" of making substitutions and that writing teamtalks has become "a right chore."

Friday, 14 September 2012

Boston United vs Chester FC - Match Envelope

Chester travel to Boston United tomorrow attempting to maintain their 100% record into an eighth game.

The match is threatening to be overshadowed by the ongoing will-he-won't-he transfer saga of top scorer and bona fide fan of the Jestrian, Ben Mills.

"I've been poking Neil Young in the arm and asking 'has he signed yet?' all week," admitted Chronicle print-prince The Tall Peacock.  "Still nothing though, so I'll keep trying."

Young will have to endure a long journey down to the Lincolnshire pub, and is thought to be dreading it already.

"These coach trips are horrible," murmered the Blues boss.  "The lads refuse to wear their seatbelts, climb all over the seats, pelt each other with sweets and, I tell you, if I had a pound for every time Wes Baynes talks to the driver while the bus is in motion... it's a nightmare, seriously."

Many people consider that Boston should have done the decent thing and folded by now, responsible as they are for properly launching the managerial career of Steve Evans.

"Utterly inexcusable, the way they carry on shamelessly like it's not their fault that he springs up on TV in the FA Cup every year," insisted football follower and keen fan of taxes Dean Watervole.

The Pilgrims reached the play-offs two seasons back but were knocked out by Guiseley.  Yes, that Guiseley.

Chester previously visited York Street in 2004, at the dawn of Ian Rush's time in charge.  Rush reportedly stormed into the dressing room at half time to confront his new players, angrily informing them that football "isn't science rockets".  This has become Chester folklore, despite the fact that it pretty much definitely didn't happen.

The game will be covered live on Endeavour Radio, who aren't inflicting a subscription fee and a dreadful website upon you for the privilege.

Thursday, 13 September 2012

September Fools

Chester FC and Macclesfield Town have today confirmed that there have never actually been negotiations over the transfer of striker Ben Mills, and that the last few days have just been "pranky japes".

With Chester fans on tenterhooks as to whether or not the forward will continue his spell at the club, officials of both teams have finally admitted that no deal has been discussed.

"Nah, haven't gotten round to it," shrugged Blues boss Neil Young.  "Everyone's been pretty excited though, so we figured we'd see how long we could string 'em along."

Earlier in the week, Young intensified expectations by announcing that he had set a deadline for the signing.  That deadline passed at 9am yesterday, and still nothing has been heard.

"I thought if I put a timescale on things, it'd make things that bit more exciting," he giggled.  "Apparently people missed work to sit on Devachat yesterday.  And it's still going on today!  Absolutely amazin', lad - even if I do say so myself."

Macclesfield manager Steve King joined in the hilarity when Young invited him to come along to the Halifax clash at the Exacta last week.

"Youngy called me up and told me he was embroiled in a RIGHT prank on his own fans and asked if I wanted to get involved," explained King.  "I was on board straight away.  The man is a visionary, make no mistake.  We've had a right chuckle."

"Whilst I was there, Youngy suggested we actually talk about Ben moving to Chester.  There was an awkward silence for a second then we both ripped up laughing.  Top night, actually, cheers for the hospitality."

Young now accepts that the joke has a limited shelf-life with Mills due to play his last game for the club on Saturday, and is already thinking about his next epic practical joke.

"Reckon anyone would buy it if I said we were gonna re-sign Jamie Rainford for twice what we paid for him before?"

Wednesday, 12 September 2012

Set strikers to score

Chester's potential signing of Ben Mills remains up in the air, following allegations this morning that the forward is literally a goal-machine, manufactured by Sports Droids PLC.

"You think the 'Milbot' is a celebration?  No, it's the name of the model.  He's a Milbot v2.0," insisted a disgruntled former employee of the highly secretive company, who wishes to remain unnamed.

"He's programmed to score goals.  Why do you think he can't get in at Macclesfield?  You've seen them play for years - they've never had a player this good.  No, they just know how controversial it would be if people found out they had a cyborg up front."

Evidence in support of these claims includes the sheer volume of goals netted by Mills this season, his remarkable stamina, the fact that he glides around the pitch more like a tank than a human being and his swift recovery from a potentially lethal fall against Guiseley on Saturday.  He is also said to emit a high-pitched whirring sound if you stand close enough.  In spite of this, officials at Chester have moved to rubbish the reports.

"It's nonsense," spluttered an off-guard club physio Will Osbourne, hurriedly hiding a can of WD40.  "Ben is a top lad, and by no means the product of years of highly skilled engineering."

Meanwhile, those players who have roomed with Mills for away games have not been drawn on allegations that, rather than sleeping of a night, the former Nantwich man merely lays flat and plugs himself into the mains.

The accusations have found a mixed response from fans, with some unable to identify why it is an issue at all.

"People are saying that if you wind up with teams full of robots, it'll result in the game being played by unidentifiable mercenaries with no personality and no regard for their club, its history or its fans who just perform their given task, give monotonous answers in press conferences and then pick up their pay-cheque," mused Blues fan Ted Chickpeas.  "But in reality, how is that any different to what Man City currently have?"

Whilst Chronicle Ink-Jedi and Jestrian-created celebrity The Tall Peacock has reported that a price tag of 10k and Mills's wish to play full-time football could be stumbling blocks in the striker's proposed move, manager Neil Young has indicated that he has other concerns.

"I'm reluctant to sign Ben unless Macclesfield can provide a full service history for him.  No, wait... er... I mean his medical records.  Yeah.  What?  Medical records, that's it," stumbled the Blues boss.

FA rules do not currently allow robots to be selected in a football team, but when was the last time they paid attention to something happening outside the Premier League?

Tuesday, 11 September 2012

Young MC II

Having ensured that his team are on the right track, Neil Young has gotten back into the studio to record a right track.

Here is the eagerly anticipated follow-up to the 2011 smash hit Merseyrail Hardnut, as performed by MC Youngy and his crew.  Plug in yer headphones and play it loud.

Monday, 10 September 2012

Chester FC 4-0 Guiseley AFC - Match Actual

Chester crushed Guiseley AFC 4-0 on Saturday, in a game which called into question whether the visitors had really won all of their first six games.

The Blues won the game, whilst Ben Mills scored some goals, which has basically been the case in every game so far.

"Nothing like a bit of variety to help out those of us trying to come up with fresh material every day, is there?" grumbled a sulky Jestrian.

John Danby made a return to action, following an eye injury and was able to ease himself back by without using his eyes, as Guiseley allowed him to ball up in the corner of his net and have a nap.

Meanwhile, Mills was continuing his ridiculous form, bashing home one from close range before punting one straight at Lions keeper Steve Drench, who rather comically let the ball spin out of his grasp and into the net.  It was neither Drench's first nor last hairy moment of the game, but he was still awarded Guiseley's Man of the Match by the sponsors, who presumably drank their lunch.

New boy Scott Brown made a good impression for the Seals, showing his excellent reading of the game by twice shooting straight at Drench when well set.

"It seemed the most dangerous option to take," explained a thoughtful Brown.

Mills completed his treble midway through the second half, rising to bullet home a header from Horan's nod across.  Iain Howard was then introduced and crashed in a fourth for the Seals, but the plasterer is still unlikely to halt Neil Young's perpetual hunt for a left midfielder.

"It's like an obsession," mused Chronicle Bic-Scribbler The Tall Peacock.  "Howard has been superb since day one, but he's spent his whole time here competing with a conveyor-belt of flash-in-the-pan lefties."

Guiseley manager Steve Kittrick was furious with the result, branding his team "spineless" and was frustrated by their lack of "bottle".  Young, conversely, commented that his team had shown "more spine than a giraffe" and was pleased by the presence of bottles in the Blues Bar.

Chester do not play until Saturday now, when they take on Boston at York Street Stadium.  Bookies have stopped taking bets on a Blues victory with Ben Mills first goalscorer.

Friday, 7 September 2012

Chester FC vs Guiseley AFC - Match Probable

Chester take on Guiseley AFC tomorrow, with both teams having taken maximum points from their first six games.

Guiseley is in Leeds, apparently, but this is not easily verified as no-one has ever been there and most people are completely unaware of its existence. Indeed, recent surveys show that 78% of Brits presume Guiseley to be a cuddly bear from a children's book, with a further 6% believing it to be a method of cooking lamb.

John Danby remains doubtful for the Blues, having scratched his own eye whilst trying to prove to his team-mates that it's impossible to scratch your own eye. Meanwhile, Robbie Booth returns from a back injury but may have to kick Dave Hankin's legs off if he wants to displace the impressive right winger from the starting line up.

The Guiseley squad features Rhys Meynell, who once played for Chester City, except that he didn't because all CCFC's matches were stricken from the record when the old club withdrew from the Conference.

"I'm not sure what's real anymore," whimpered Meynell. "I could be sure I'd played in those games."
Guiseley also have a prominent women's team, but have confirmed they will be sending the men to the Exacta.

Chester manager Neil Young is still playing his cards close to his chest regarding any attempt to permanently sign top scoring loanee Ben Mills. Frustrated by Young's lethargy, Macclesfield boss Steve King has started using the techniques of a second-hand car salesman in an attempt to force the hand of the Blues chief.

"Ooh, I've had lots of interest about Ben," dangled King. "There was a nice couple came in earlier, and they were very keen on him - they went off for coffee to think about it. They'll be back though, you might have to act fast."

In spite of these tricks, Young is staying focused on the game at hand.

"It'll be a tough test, no doubt," admitted The King of The Seals. "We'll have to be at our best, but I've told the lads that if we pull it off, I'll take 'em all out for a beer and a nice Lamb Guiseley."

Thursday, 6 September 2012

Chester FC 2-1 FC Halifax - Match Data

Chester landed a 2-1 victory last night, to record their sixth win out of six.  The result is staggering for two reasons - firstly, that Chester managed to win despite being thoroughly outplayed by FC Halifax and secondly, that despite having maximum points from the first half dozen matches, the Blues are still third in the table behind Guiseley and Brackley - a pairing which sounds more like a firm of chartered surveyors than Chester's title rivals.

Halifax turned up with plenty of ex-Seals in tow.  Matt Glennon is still yet to play in a Chester defeat whilst the presence of Jason St Juste in the visitors' starting line up prompted many fans to say "oh yeah, I forgot we'd had him."

The Yorkshire club also had Phil Bolland and Jamie Rainford on the bench.  Rainford was roundly slated, receiving a hostile reception mostly arising from the fact that, during his time at Chester he once made some sulky comments to a friend on Facebook. Meanwhile, Phil Bolland, who once slated his former fans to the local press in order to score brownie points with the supporters of Chester's bitterest rivals Wrexham, was mostly applauded upon his return.

Chester took the lead through the frankly wonderful Ben Mills, who slotted the ball home coolly under pressure.  The Blues celebrated by not playing football for the remainder of the half.

That Halifax failed to level the score before the break is a bigger mystery than the brief pop career of Adam Rickitt.  Most notably, midfielder Jon Worthington missed a comically easy chance before falling over in the area minutes later and inexplicably berating the referee for not giving a penalty.

Indeed, Halifax had turned up with a game plan which appeared to prioritise the intimidation of the referee. Unfortunately for the Shaymen, they tried to put this scheme into action with some of the least intimidating men ever seen on a football pitch - highlighted in the first half by captain Danny Lowe, who dramatically clasped his hands to his mouth after having been given a talking-to by the referee.

Chester doubled their lead after the break, as Dave Hankin thrust a low shot into the bottom corner to give the home side a 2-0 lead before running off in celebration down by the home fans.  The referee hared after the winger, warding him away from the touchline, as celebrating near your own supporters is the kind of dangerously inclusive gesture that the game can well do without.

Worthington fired his team back into contention with a long range dig, causing the travelling fans to celebrate as though they'd suffered collective amnesia and forgotten the two Chester goals which had preceded Worthington's effort.

Jamie Rainford was introduced to a volley of boos.  As the final whistle blew, it seemed as though Chester had avoided being made to look silly by their latest pantomime villain.  However, just as Blues fans thought they were safe, the former Marine man took to Twitter to post a mature, congratulatory message to his tormentors.

"I woke up this morning to find Rainford occupying the moral highground," said Harry Mac chanter Eddie Flamegrill, shaking his head.  "Couldn't believe it.  What a sucker punch."

Either Chester or Guiseley, or maybe both, will lose their 100% record when they meet at the Exacta on Saturday.  Because they can't both win, see?

Tuesday, 4 September 2012

Chester FC vs FC Halifax Town - Match Hypothesis

Chester FC take on FC Halifax Town tonight, and everyone is super excited about it.

With The Blues having won five on the bounce, manager Neil Young is expected to stick with the formula that has brought him success so far.

"I've just been pulling names out of a hat mostly," confessed Young.  "Wound up with Levi Mackin at left-back a couple of times already this season.  Pulled it off though, didn't he?"

One name that won't be in Young's flatcap tonight is Michael Taylor, with the centre back having been farmed out on loan to AFC Fylde.  This comes as no surprise as, earlier in the week, Young had told Chronicle biro-wafter The Tall Peacock that he couldn't bring lads who hadn't been playing regularly straight into his first team, as the club has "got to win games of football."

"Let them go and get their fitness up some place where it won't affect our results," continued Young, maybe.  "Fylde or somewhere like that."

On the flip side, midfielder Scott Brown is set to join the Blues on a short term deal, having recently been released by Macclesfield.

"I figured if we brought a Macc fella in, we could use him as bait in trying to sign Ben Mills off 'em," revealed Young.  "Not sure whether the 'look, we've bought you a friend' approach will work, but I'm willing to trying anything.  The boy's on fire."

More statistically-minded Blues may be interested to know that Scott Brown will be the first midfielder named Brown to play for the club since Alex Brown last season. 

Former Chester skipper Phil Bolland looks set to turn out for the opposition and is likely to receive a mixed reception, having spoilt his reputation by bizarrely pandering to Wrexham fans upon signing for the laughable Racecourse outfit in 2008.  Bolland commented that Chester fans display less "passion" than Wrexham fans, cleverly throwing out a buzzword popular amongst football fans, whilst managing to say nothing of any value.

A win for Chester will not be enough to propel them to the top of the table, as Brackley have already won six on the trot, but with a far superior goals difference.

Yes, Brackley.

And Guiseley, too.

World's gone mad.

Mobot, Mo' Problems

Chester Football Club's perfect start to the season is under threat as internal turmoil rages through the Exacta Stadium with jealous squad members reportedly mutinous over the popularity of "The Milbot", despite this not actually being a thing.

Star striker Ben Mills has taken to punctuating his goals by replicating British athlete Mo Farah's trademark celebration, with some supporters declaring that the "Milbot" is better than the "Mobot".

"It's not.  It's exactly the same, except Mo did it first," explained Dr Trent Baitbox from the Royal Institute of Doing Actions to Commemorate Achievements.

Meanwhile, having heard the forward sit down and strum a couple of Oasis tunes on an acoustic guitar, many Blues fans have been excitedly talking of how "Wondermills" is a much better song than the 90s original.

Mills's team-mates, however, have not taken to the new craze with quite the same gusto, aware that their own post-goal antics will now be under scrutiny.  After hooping in a volley against Solihull Moors on Saturday, Nathan Jarman froze with panic, unable to produce a trademark celebration of his own.

"I was trying to think of how to twist myself into a "J" shape," confirmed Jarman.  "After the game, I came up with the hilarious idea of storing a chocolate bar in my sock and eating it if I score, but apparently that's been done before."

Other players are unconcerned with originality and are reportedly considering taking Mills's lead by plagiarising the choreography of more famous athletes.  Iain Howard has confirmed that he will mark his next goal by stealing John Fashanu's "awooga" catchphrase, Marc Williams will strike Usain Bolt's lightning pose, Dave Hankin will take Alan Shearer's single raised hand and Michael Taylor needn't worry about it.

Elsewhere, prolific left-back Matty McGinn has lamented his inability to celebrate his Altrincham goal in the manner it deserved, as Liam Brownhill was not on hand to run after him screaming like a lunatic, the way he did against Northwich last season.

"That was a magic celebration," drooped McGinn.  "I'll never have another one like it now Liam's gone."

Neil Young has confirmed that he will continue to stay calm on the touchline as the goals fly in, and save up his excitement for when he gets home, whereupon he will celebrate through vigorous tap dancing.

Monday, 3 September 2012

Solihull Moors 0-3 Chester FC - Match Considered

Another victory for Chester FC on Saturday means that Neil Young's side have now won five on the bounce, further delaying this season's inevitable "Young Out" hysteria.

"You can see the fans just desperate to start calling for a new manager, but Youngy's keepin' em waitin," smirked the Blues Boss following his side's 3-0 dismantling of Solihull Moors FC.

Nathan Jarman opened the scoring for the Blues, his looping volley  the kind of goal that is fashionably called a "worldie" these days - a term that seems like it would be better housed in Glee or something equally flouncy.

Ben Mills nodded home the second on 45 minutes, Chronicle stylus-stylist The Tall Peacock commenting that the goal could not have come at a better time.  Such insight has become a trademark of The Peacock and, indeed, had the goal come a couple of minutes later, it would have been bang in the middle of the half-time interval and no use to anyone.

A quiet second half allowed Neil Young and his management team to celebrate their winning streak by performing one of their semi-regular sing-along discos.  In keeping with the theme of five wins out of five, Young, Gary Powell, Gary Jones and that bloke who warms up the keepers rocked out a 5ive megamix before airing a very special acapella jazz version of "I Got Five On It" by The Luniz.

The second period culminated in a third goal for the Blues, when substitute Iain Howard flicked the ball in with his head late on, frustrating his manager.

"I keep signing high-profile left wingers, but Howard keeps being mint," sulked Young.  "First Jerome Wright, now Sean Clancy...  Seriously, I'll buy Ryan Giggs one day and won't get the chance to play him 'cos Iain'll be there banging in goals."

Chester welcome Halifax to the Exacta on Wednesday in a game that seems destined to involve something to do with Jamie Rainford and Twitter.