Wednesday, 31 August 2011

Christian Smith to have Spa Pool installed on pitch

Defender Christian Smith has made a swift impression amongst the Chester faithful, with a series of performances cooler than James Dean's corpse.  In between stylish tackles and breath-taking long balls, Smith has been caught taking a break to chat to fans on the touchline, sneaking a cheeky pint onto the pitch, asking the ref what the score is, playing Angry Birds on his iPhone whilst defending a corner and joining the second half at Burscough five minutes late with a big grin on his face, claiming to have "taken a wrong turn in the tunnel".

And now it appears that a Smith is about to trigger a clause in his contract which states should he complete ten games for the Blues, a hot tub will be installed in the centre back position before every game in which he participates so that he can chill out mid-game.

The left footer, who can also play in midfield, broke the news via Twitter, during the second half against Nantwich, whilst the ball was up the other end.

Some fans have moved to criticise the deal.  E Block regular Mark Thorne asked "Is this why the prices have gone up this season?  I'm a working man and I appear to be paying more and more to watch my team just so that they can blow my hard-earned on a posh bath!"

The City Fans United have released a statement in defence of the bizarre agreement which reads "It is important that our players feel comfortable at the club.  In years gone by, players have been treated poorly at Chester, and we are determined to ensure that now the fans own the club, the players know they are valued.  Christian feels he needs a Jacuzzi on the pitch to be at his best, and it's a small price to pay in our quest to make it back to the Football League.  People need to start thinking long term before they criticise."

Rumours that John Danby is to be allowed a director's chair next to his goal so that he can rest his legs during breaks in play are as yet unconfirmed.

Tuesday, 30 August 2011

The Southport Connection

Much has been spoken about Neil Young’s summer dealings in the transfer market, in particular the many Southport connections. Chester’s former Southport contingent now stretches to 53 squad players, many of whom played a key part in their recent successes as well as some who had simply taken their dog for a  walk along Southport beach and were spotted by Young’s eager eye.

Speaking on this policy, Young said “Ask anyone in the pub on a Saturday night and they will tell you about the great footballing teams of the past like Hungary 1954, Brazil 1970 and Southport 2009.  When these players become available, a club like ours has to be in the market for them. For me to sign a player without a Southport background they’ve generally got to be devilishly handsome like John Danby”.

The Chester boss then segued his muse onto the latest developments in the Libya conflict as reporters gently and uneasily inched away.

Southport Fan Club President Raphael Dalglish meanwhile spoke wistfully with a glint in his eyes about the glory days.

“It was a real treat to have the likes of Chris Simm and Rob Marsh-Evans playing at Haig Avenue. And who could forgot Robbie Booth’s flowing locks as he galloped down the wing, and Powell’s wonderfully bouncy fringe – how he achieved such volume on that hair I’ll never know but it was worth the entrance fee alone. When that memorable season finished, I was straight on Amazon to order my Season DVD. We’re only a few signatures short of 100,000 for our petition to have the 2009 heroes recognised by Her Majesty the Queen”.

Benny Woodiwiss, a member of The City Fans United, commented “I didn’t think the squad needed as much tinkering after our successes last season, although the ex-Southport recruitment policy is a welcome change from the old policy of buying Scousers who'd once had a good game against us.”

Neil Young is currently in the process of trying to tie up a permanent deal for left back Matty McGinn.  Of Southport.

Monday, 29 August 2011

Chester players call for Nantwich result to be stricken form the record

Following their 4-1 marmalising at the hands of Nantwich, a handful of Chester players have asked for the result to be disregarded by the league.

Speaking after the game, John Danby stated that the players felt they had been misled, believing that they were scheduled play against Northwich.   The goalkeeper went on to state that this "affected preparations greatly" and that most of the players "didn't even realise Nantwich was a place".

As fans burnt effigies of Neil Young (which were actually statues that they had erected in his honour outside their houses following the victory against Fake Man U), The City Fans United released a statement issuing apologies to those supporters who had turned up at Northwich and condolences to those who made it to Nantwich.

Meanwhile, Liam Brownhill responded to questions about the game by singing Motown classics at the top of his lungs  and Greg Stones just acted like it was still Sunday.

Saturday, 27 August 2011

Chester's penalties "way more deserved" than Chorley's

Chester go into today's contest with Stocksbridge Park Steels, having picked up three penalties in four games, which is totally different to when Chorley were getting all those penalties last season.

"Obviously I didn't see any of the penalties Chorley were awarded, but they were definitely getting favourable treatment from referees" stated one Harry Mac regular, on his way to watch the Premier League team that he actually supports.

"The difference between Chester and Chorley is that I quite like Chester, and as such I see no issue with the fact that we've been given loads of pennos."

Chorley had a similar start to the previous campaign, picking up about 65 penalties in their first 7 matches, according to reliable news sources such as Deva Chat and Twitter.  Nobody knows the exact figure, as the average attendances of those matches was just 21, if you include the players on the pitch, and no-one in Chorley owns a computer.

In picking up the "getting loads of penalties" torch, Chester fans have had to change their persecution complex slightly, now prefixing every "the referee gave us nothing" with the phrase "other than the penalty".

Manager Neil Young was asked to comment, but spoke for so long that everyone forgot what the question was.

Campaign of violence begins against man who failed to attend FC United of Manchester clash

A Chester man has found himself subject to a campaign of harrassment and violence following his failure to attend Wednesday night's EvoStik Northern Premier tie between Chester and that sort of Manchester United club with the slightly rearranged name due to the fact that he was in work.

Amongst the protesters assembled on Bob Henry's front lawn was Andy North, who commented "It's a disgrace.  He calls himself a fan and then doesn't show up?  This'll show him." before launching a brick through a window.

Head of the Superior Fans of Chester Group, Kevin Timms stated "For too long, people have seen following a football club as escapism - something to be done for enjoyment.  This attitude must be stamped out.  Following your team should be about spending all the money you don't have on watching every game they play.  The less you enjoy it, the better a fan you are."

Confirming this line of thought, Harry Salt of Blacon stated "Some of us are such good fans, we pay our money and don't even watch the game.  We prefer to grimace at the away support and sometimes we manage to destroy the confidence of a teenage full back through ritual abuse, gaining our team a slight advantage.  And that's what it's about.  I miss most of the goals at the Harry Mac end to be honest."

Meanwhile, Scott Giffins from the Lache has been driven out of the country because he preferred to watch his favourite band play live in Sheffield.

Wednesday, 24 August 2011

Sense of Entitlement Derby Looms

The Exacta Stadium tonight plays host to Chester FC vs That United Spin Off in a game about which most of the UK will remain as ignorant about as they do the career of Jeff Brazier.  However, for those fans patting themselves on the back because they watch lower league football, in a move that has nothing to do with the fact it's cheaper and more convenient and everything to do with generally being better human beings than everyone else, tonight's game is "crunch time".

It's hard to find a Chester fan on the high street who isn't positive about tonight's game, but that's mostly because it's hard to find a Chester fan on the high street.  The mood in general amongst Chester fans appears to be one of complete panic and over-reaction.

Len Garrett of Hoole states "I've been a Chester fan since before I was born, but if we lose tonight, that's it for me.  The corruption and general misery of the last ten years was bearable, but making a stuttering start to the season at a level higher than the one at which we played last year is frankly unacceptable, and if Youngie isn't staring at himself in a mirror right now, I'm going to be very angry"

Meanwhile, when asked his opinion on the unfortunate late defeat, away to expected title challengers Hednesford, Tommy Haworth from Tarvin set himself on fire and jumped in a lake.

Chester officials have moved to quell the panic.

"Pretty much everything the fans are talking about is nonsense" commented the very suity Jiff Bricks.

FC United fans, meanwhile, are taking a different approach.  That is to say that some of them will not be approaching the ground at all, due to something about admission prices, or Jerome Wright, or the fact that they actually support Man Utd after all.  Due to talk of the boycott, the Norwich City Club Shop in the Chester city centre will not be opening, as their chance to sell a few scarves has disappeared.

Commenting on the proposed boycott, FC United fan Gerry O'Geraldine stated "It's not right that other teams in this division should have money.  We set this club up so that we could continue to watch a successful team without having to queue for tickets, but teams like Chester and Halifax have ruined it, what with their genuine reasons for setting up new clubs.  It's not right, and it's time that us United fans took the moral high ground on this".  His speech was so passionate, that by the end of the rant, his Eric Cantona shirt was drenched in sweat.

Early team news indicates that Chester's Liam Brownhill is in doubt, having been rendered confused by rumours he's left footed, even though he blatantly isn't.