Friday, 30 September 2011

BiG Lupus the secret behind clean sheets

Players and coaching staff alike have moved to praise mascot BiG Lupus for their current defensive form which has seen Chester keep seven clean sheets on the bounce.

The giant wolf, who at best is a loveable children's character and at worst, a walking advertising hoarding, proving that even kid's entertainment must have some sort of capitalist agenda, has reportedly been helping the defenders with some extra coaching as well as giving pep-talks before each match.

"It became clear that Lupus had something to give when he overcame that giant Rice Krispies bar in a penalty shoot-out last season.  After the early defensive frailties, we asked for his assistance, and the results have been instant" said manager Neil Young

Michael Taylor has transformed himself from questionable fringe player to formidable lynchpin in the Chester back line, and he was also quick to praise Lupus. 

"To be honest, my heading wasn't up to scratch, but Lupus is excellent in the air, by virtue of his massive head.  We did a lot of work and a lot of drills, which also helped with my fitness and sharpness.  I was reluctant at first when it was mentioned that a giant cuddly wolf was going to be teaching me my trade, but I stayed open to it and I'm so glad I did.  I'm on fire now.  They all fear Tay Tay" enthused the centre back.

Not everyone was so willing to give the new coach a go, however.  Reports suggest that far from leaving Chester FC to pursue another career, Rob Marsh-Evans actually stormed out of a training session screaming "his feet are made of foam!" and refused to return to the club.

Having sorted out the defence, it's now thought that Lupus is to help Jamie Rainford find his elusive second goal for the club.  The striker has been getting agonisingly close in recent games, and with a couple of tips from the big wolf, Neil Young hopes that his record signing can be restored to the goal-machine he was at Marine.

"If there's anyone you want the ball falling to in the box, it's BiG Lupus" explained Young

"Over six yards, he'll beat anyone, and his reaction time and finishing skills are second to none.  Rainy has been doing some top work with Lupo, and we can expect him to be tucking them away in no time.  We'd actually field Lupus as a player if we could, but apparently the league says humans only.  Political Correctness gone mad if you ask me."

Thursday, 29 September 2011

Chester FC 3-0 Chorley Town FC - Match Report

Chester continued their surge towards the top of the Evo Stick Northern Premier League last night with a comprehensive victory over pretend rivals Chorley Town FC. Following the game, Blues fans were walking away from the Exacta asking questions like "When will Danby next concede?",  "Who can stop us in this form?" and "How many fingers does the Chorley goalkeeper really have?"

The first record of the evening was broken by an attendance of 3,310, boosted by a larger than usual away following of around 200.   After a questionnaire was distributed to fans prior to the game, it became clear that roughly 1132 fans attended after being promised petty violence but this was prevented by them being stopped and asked to do a questionnaire.  This technique is now to be rolled out next time Millwall play West Ham.

Meanwhile, other regulars did that thing where they glare at the newcomers fans and mutter things like "haven't seen them before" , "where were they at Hyde in the Senior Cup?" and "what gives them the RIGHT to turn up at watch MY football team?!" thus enabling themselves to labour under the delusion that they are altogether a better class human being.

Chorley Town fans appeared to get confused about the fixture actually being an away game for them, as they unveiled a chilling 'Welcome to Hell' banner. This slogan was typically spotted in the old Ali Sami Yen stadium which was home to Galatasaray, where baying lunatics used the flag and other tactics such as relentless abuse whilst smashing the very existence out of massive drums in order to petrify opposition players. In that environment it was effective, and Galatasaray would regularly punch above their weight and topple European giants.  Needless to say it didn't have the same effect when adopted by a handful of over-excited Chorley Town fans travelling to another stadium in an Evo Stick fixture.

The Cestrians edged the first half but couldn't make their superiority count as the Chorley Town defence held firm, amidst their fans letting off party poppers in further intimidation attempts. However, in the second half, the Blues to pressed home their advantage as a poorly cleared corner fell to Alex Brown who unleashed a thunderbolt volley past the really miserable goalkeeper. "Brown Dog" continued to boss the midfield and such was ease with which he dictated play, he began taunting the Chorley midfield by asking them how much they get paid, how awful their car is and simply placing his thumb on the tip of his nose, shaking his fingers, sticking his tongue out and generally making childish noises.

One soon became two as the genius goalkeeper believed he'd be able to reach an aerial ball before towering monster Matty McNeil. It was a battle he'd never win and McNeil calmly rose and nodded the ball past the stranded 'keeper and into the empty net before he strutting past the Harry McNally Terrace, doing his infamous peacock impression.

The ridicule was completed in the closing moments of the game as Wesley Baynes found himself in space and weaved his way past a couple of despairing lunges before curling a beauty into the right corner. He bounced on his tiptoes pointing to the back of shirt before Matty McGinn quickly informed him that at this level there's no names on the back of your shirt.

After the final whistle, reports surfaced that Gary Flitcroft had walked off without shaking Neil Young's hand in a display of complete petulance and tool-wizardry, underling what a sour, jealous, petty and childish outfit Chorley really are. Young confirmed in the press conference afterwards that if Flitcroft approaches him after the return leg at 'Victory' Park, he will withdraw his hand at the last possible moment and declare the Chorley manager to have succumbed to a school boy error.

Meanwhile, reporters tried to get an opinion from Grenville Millington, as John Danby broke his record for consecutive clean sheets, but the phone was only answered by his agent Riskar off of The Devachat, who informed all callers that Grenville would not be talking to anyone today.

Wednesday, 28 September 2011

Chester FC vs Chorley Town FC Match Preview

With the much anticipated grudge clash against Chorley Town Albion Rangers FC fast approaching, Scientists have moved to dispel rumours that Chorley are more hated than traditional enemies Wrexham.

Since the away fixture last season, where a pensioner was struck by an airborne brick, innocent Chester fans were ushered by authorities into mobs of frothing Burberry-clad, pizza-faced youths, and a fence was shaken with frightening rage, many have taken to popular forum The Devachat to suggest that they in fact despise Chorley more than the well endowed floodlight gang up the A483.

Dr Arnold Merrick of Chester University commented, "We'd heard about these allegations and thought it would be worth investigating. We took a random sample of 80s throwbacks from H Block, fresh-faced families from the West Stand, pre-pubescent Haribo lovers from the Harry Mac and Happy Clappers from the Main Stand, conducted a rigorous questionnaire and took blood samples. This was all incorporated into the end equation that took into account the years of hate, the severity of previous incidents, the proximity of the clubs and how relevant they currently are. This led us to the conclusion that the dislike for Chorley is indeed real but is destined to be only short lived, and that the historical rivalry with laughable neighbours Wrexham will always exist.  This is due to the fact that whilst it stings to admit it, Wrexham FC is actually a real football club whilst Chorley FC is a joke with a bad punchline."

Fans initially doubted this conclusion, and submitted further evidence to Dr Merrick that they really do hate Chorley by coming up with hilarious nicknames like 'Chorscum' and 'Boreley'. After a period of head-shaking and rolling of the eyes, this evidence was rightly tossed in the bin.

"Of course the main finding is that in a world where things like abject poverty and racism exist, using terms like 'hate' for a sports team from a place where you could have been born if the ambulance had gone a slightly different way is the sign of a complete tool" furthered Merrick.

Meanwhile, Neil Young's squad will be full of confidence going into arguably the season's most important game to date. Young has the magic formula of having a squad rich in goal scoring talent but also a miserly back line. The Chester rearguard have in fact become so stingy that George Horan has removed his childrens' pocket money privileges and Matty McGinn now does his big shop at Lidl. John Danby's laundry bills have also increased as the shot-stopper has become unhealthily obsessed with clean sheets.  Indeed the record-breaking keeper was recently found in his home, clutching a recently steam-cleaned duvet, rocking back and forth and muttering "my precious!"

Following reports of over-the-top celebrations against Stafford, Iain Howard is reportedly working on new ways to celebrate his goals.  However, in line with recent developments at the club, Howard will be charging a subscription fee for those who wish to see more exuberant celebrations.

Tuesday, 27 September 2011

Chester unveil their new website today, in order to try and move the club back in the direction of being a penny-grabbing, faceless entity.

"We've had enough of being a unique, fan-owned, community club, so we've sold ourselves up the river so that we can have a website that's exactly the same as every other club in the Football League. The big advantage of this is that the corporate bigwigs have insisted that we bring all the multimedia under a "Blues Player" scheme and we's gotta charge for it. There's enough gullible fans who will pay anything on the basis that it's all money to the club and hopefully with the revenue generated from this move, we can buy another striker to leave on the bench" said DJ Jaffy Bracks of The City Fans United.

"Because there's no outlay, and we're relying on volunteers like NATV and Blues Live, we can make as much money as possible, regardless of how much it damages the intentions of those volunteers who were trying to enhance the experience of following Chester for as many of their fellow fans as possible."

"There are some vague league rules about why we have to have highlights on the club website, which have never mattered before and which don't mention anything about charging fans for it, but it's a convenient smokescreen behind which to hide the corporate selling out."

In order to justify the costings, media man Bracks promised that the services would improve across the board.

"Obviously we'll be asking the volunteers to work even harder now that we're capitalising upon their good nature."

Jack Plunkett of Blues Live spoke enthusiastically about the change.

"It's great. I'm really relishing the prospect of commentating to a third of the audience we get now. Having thrown all this time and effort in, I'm excited that we'll now be doing something less popular in order to make other people money. It was my vision all along."

Chief Executive Patrick O'Cluskin further supported the changes.

"What people have to remember, is that some people liked how it used to be and it's important to move back in that direction now. The pleasing thing about this is that not only are we going to make even more money out of the loyal fans, we pretty much definitely won't be recruiting any new ones, which will help us return to being a club with a hardcore of 2000 and take any opportunity to make money off of them. It's the Chester way."

Dead author George Orwell had the final say, commenting that "the creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, but already it was impossible to say which was which."

Monday, 26 September 2011

Stafford Rangers 0-3 Chester FC - Match Report

Chester cruised to a comfortable 3-0 victory away to Stafford on Saturday, thanks to a goal from the gunned-up plasterer Iain Howard and a brace from Quiff-Master General Michael Powell.

Powell's double mean that he is now Chester's joint top scorer this season and holds the title outright if you discount players who have benefited from being allowed to take an unrealistic amount of penalties.

Howard got the scoring underway from six yards following a Matty McGinn Megachuck TM.  He celebrated by racing back down the tunnel, tearing his shirt off and flexing his biceps in front of a mirror whilst roaring.  Chris Simm filmed the whole thing on his smart phone and when both players emerged a minute or two later, Simm did a quick lap of the terraces, showing the fans the video so that they could join in the celebrations.

The referee inexplicably kept his cards in his pockets and waved away Stafford's protests, saying "it's just high jinks" and "that video is totes funny though, right?"

Michael Powell slotted home Chester's second moments later from Chris Simm's pass.  He neglected to emulate Iain Howard's celebration, as his pythons aren't as impressive and instead Howard tried to repeat the celebration himself, but was stopped by a emergency bouncer put in place by Stafford who also confiscated Chris Simm's phone and a packet of Quavers from a pleading Robbie Booth.

Stafford had a man sent off just before the break, meaning that the second half was a comfortable affair for Chester.  Michael Wilde made his first league appearance of the season, causing at least three fans to faint whilst a bald man was seen being led out of the ground after a suspected self-wetting.

Powell was able to double his tally and take Chester to 3-0 with a quiffity quality finish to a nice move with about ten minutes on the clock.

Powell expressed his delight at his and the team's performance;

"It's great that the team has won again and another clean sheet, but importantly for me, I've been able to prove that actually I don't need to be Bradley Barnes to be a good player.  Of course, most people with an ounce of footballing knowledge have known this for a long time but it's still nice."

Manager Neil Young summarised the midfielder's form;

"I said a fully fit Alex Brown could be scary, but Powelly is the real hair-raiser.  He starts in the morning with his own hair, raises that to a ninety degree angle, then sets about everyone else.  I'm hoping we can assemble the most frightening team in the league.  I've asked Robbie Booth to be a bit more ghostly, and George Horan is working on an eerie song to sing to strikers."

Friday, 23 September 2011

Stafford Rangers vs Chester Match Preview

Chester are preparing for tomorrow's game at Stafford with a great deal of confidence, sparked by a five game winning streak in which they haven't conceded a single goal.

And whilst Neil Young is trying to ensure that complacency doesn't set in, Michael Taylor, whose return to the side has coincided with Chester's failure to concede, has taken to training in slippers and a dressing gown, whilst smoking a cigar.

"Clearly I'm the daddy around here" drawled Taylor from behind a pair of aviators and a thick cloud of smoke.

"We concede four goals in one game against Nantwich, then Tay Tay comes back into the line up and BAM!  No goals.  Danby reckons it's all down to him, but the stats don't lie.  Ya get me, bro?"

Meanwhile, upon learning the news that former Blues striker Daryl Clare has left Cambridge by mutual consent, some fans have spied an opportunity for yet another "Bring Back" campaign.

"I don't care if Simmo is on fire, McNeil unplayable at times and our 37 goal striker has returned. I want Daryl" yodelled excitable C Block regular Martyn Beswick.

Blues manager Neil Young admitted that he'd been inundated with requests for the return of Clare, who was on top of his game when he played for Chester 9 (nine) years ago.

"To be honest I had to Google Daryl because I wasn't 100% sure on who he was, but people tell me he scored a lot of goals in the previous decade. I reckon I'll take my chances that after 17 goals in the last five games, our current strike force is probably alright."

In related news, after hearing about Daryl Clare's surge in popularity when he outrageously retrieved a Mars chocolate bar from his sock after netting against perennial strugglers Barnet, it's rumoured that Jamie Rainford is considering storing a Drifter in his sleeve and hoping against hope that he manages to bag a goal before its sell-by date.

Clare played in Chester's last outing to Stafford when Chester won 2-0 in a forgettable FA Cup tie.  Loose cannon Cortez Belle took a break from pole-axing opposition players to score Chester's first and celebrated by managing not to get himself sent off.  Daryl Clare meanwhile missed a first half chance before being replaced by Kevin Rapley, who scored from a Cortez assist within six minutes of coming on.  In terms of games that confirmed Daryl as a legend, this was probably not one of them.

Neil Young elaborates on "scary" Alex Brown

Following Tuesday night's victory over Hyde, Chester manager Neil Young proclaimed to the Chester Chronicle that a fully fit Alex Brown could be "scary".  A cultured, classy and composed midfielder, many were baffled that Young should choose to describe Brown in these terms.

When asked to elaborate, Young explained "Brown Dog has been causing mayhem recently. He stayed late after training the other day and hid in Pat McCluskey's car boot before springing out and scaring the everloving snot out of him when he got home."

In a bold tactical approach, Gary Jones admitted that Chester have started using Brown's spine tingling antics to the team's advantage.

"We've asked Rabid Al to unsettle the opposition by telling them really scary stories during the game whilst holding a torch to his face.  We may need a heavier approach to the Chorley clash, at which point 'The Browninator' will threaten to break into the Chorley players' houses whilst the match is in session in order to leave the taps running.

The slippery customer has also been caught pulling away Barry Hipkiss's office chair just as the club stalwart was taking his seat.

"It's getting out of hand" muttered injured midfielder Ashley Williams.

"He keeps hiding around corners and bursting out, and creeping up behind me very quietly. It's really getting to me, I keep imagining his face appearing at the window when I close my curtains at night".

Club officials have refused to comment on rumours that Alex Brown will be available for hire with the Halloween party season looming, but have confirmed that they are looking at costings for producing and selling Alex Brown costumes.

Thursday, 22 September 2011

Extra police for Chorley encounter

In a move that should, but definitely won't, embarrass parties on all sides, the Evo Stik Northern Premier League clash between Chester and Chorley next Wednesday will be subject to an increased police presence.

In spite of the fact that 67000 people turn up every other week at Old Trafford without a great deal of incident, Cheshire Police like to panic like hypochondriacs whenever a crowd in excess of 3000 is threatened at the Exacta Stadium.  Indeed, it would be of little surprise to anyone if they insisted upon a 2am kick off and gave sedatives to every spectator who passed through the turnstile. Rumours that there will be a water cannon on hand are as yet unconfirmed.

On this occasion however, Cheshire Constabulary have empirical evidence to point to in order to rationalise their paranoia.  Following serious crowd trouble lat ast season's meeting at the laughably named Victory Park, which was by no means exacerbated by the entirely competent Greater Manchester Police and their hilarious practical joke of directing Chester fans into the path of rabid Chorley supporters, the Cheshire Police Force are determined to ensure that there will be no repeat.

In response to this, fans of both clubs have insisted that the measures are overkill.

"I'm not sure why the police feel the need to get involved at all" said Gary Haughton of Chester

"There is no hooliganism at Chester.  We only defend our own against other team's hooligans, yeah?  And if that means standing on a grassy bank and provoking them, then that's a measure we have to take.  There's an art to violence at football matches.  You don't know, because you're not involved."

This line of thought, if you can call it that, was picked up by Chorley fan Jack Cardell.

"One pensioner gets bricked, and suddenly the filth are all over it?  Talk about an overreaction.  It's health and safety gone mad.  Actually, can I say that again but use the term "'elf and safety" instead, so that I can disparage the concept without having a cogent argument?"

For some, the attempt to remove the threat of violence could ruin the day.

"How can I celebrate my teams victory if I can't drive my sovereign into someone's skull?"  rants Karl Turnbull of Newton.

"I bet they'd let Muslims do it!" exclaims Harold Coates, briefly forgetting which of his vile prejudices are being challenged.

"Why don't the police go and catch real criminals?" asks Liam Denny, who has just finished a 3 year prison sentence for aggravated assault.

In conclusion, there are no winners in this story.

Wednesday, 21 September 2011

Fans and players start to dream of Senior Cup glory

Chester got their Cheshire Senior Cup campaign underway last night with a 2-0 victory over Hyde, and whilst everyone will talk about taking each game as it comes, it is inconceivable that the team will not be allowing themselves the odd daydream.

"I remember watching the Senior Cup as a lad" said Robbie Booth.

"It's got such a rich tradition, and it would be amazing to be part of a side that could win the competition."

Chester's fans have a similar view.

"It's time the cup came home" insisted B Block regular Kevin Pond.

"I think we all remember the heartbreak of 2002 when the team was dumped out of the competition for illegally fielding Chris Tate against Stockport.  But now it's our time.  No-one will take this away from us."

Indeed, it's been an impressive start.  The Blues produced a dominant display last night to overcome higher league opposition, and fans who were scathing of Young and his tactics just weeks ago are now drooling with positivity.

"I'm struggling to think of a happier period in my life" admitted 'wishwehadharvey' off of The Devachat.

"After the Nantwich game I'd taken to prank calling Neil just to cause him and his family inconvenience and let him know we won't stand for those sort of lame performances, and thankfully he has listened because now everything is super."

In a further explosion of happiness, Michael Wilde made his return to action and it didn't take long for him to register his first goal of the season. Despite numerous requests made to the staff of Hyde United before the game that they include 'Wilde Thing' in their playlist, the Hyde officials politely declined in the interest of integrity. This led many travelling supporters to download an mp3 of the song on their phone and a tinny version of the song engulfed Ewen Fields when Wilde found the net.  Things got momentarily sticky when it became apparent that a prominent member of The City Fans United had accidently downloaded the German version and it's fair to say that "Wilde thing, machen Sie mein Herz singen" didn't really catch on.

The media spoke to Young after the game but were struggling to make sense of his answers as he reeled off lines such as "we don't stop, never give up, and we often hold our heads high and reach the top" and "I've never had a dream come true".  It later emerged that in the interests of fun, the Blues supremo had taken to fitting in as many S Club 7 lyrics into his post match press conference as possible.  Reporters finally cottoned on to the joke when Young responded to the question of how the team were preparing for Saturday's game against Stafford by saying "Paul's getting down on the floor, Hannah's screaming out for more."

Tuesday, 20 September 2011

Bring Back Michael Wilde campaign gets underway

With last season's star striker nearing full fitness, fans of Chester FC are preparing to start a "Bring Back Michael Wilde" campaign.

Despite the formidable partnership struck up by Chris Simm and Matty McNeil, many Chester fans who can't handle change or the fact that things move on are preparing placards and songs and will be buying pitchforks from Homebase on their way to Neil Young's house.

The Michael Wilde Campaign Bus is mostly populated by the same geniuses responsible for the Bring Back Bradley Barnes campaign along with some people who've bought Wilde Thing t-shirts and want value for their money.

The group will be able to kickstart their campaign tonight, when Chester travel to Ewen Fields to play Hyde in the Senior Cup.  Michael Wilde is expected to get 20 minutes at the end, leaving a spacious 70 minutes into which the BBMW campaigners can enthusiastically applaud each stretch Wilde performs on the touchline and spew ill-considered bile in the direction of Young and whichever poor sap is wearing the number 10.

"I don't even care if it's young Joe Ormrod, no-one is exempt from our fury" gargled one fan, who wished to remain nameless, mostly because he couldn't spell his own surname.

"Michael Wilde was excellent last season.  It was the best year of my entire life.  I wish I could go back.  We never put a foot wrong, finished all our chances and I don't remember us conceding.  Why has Young changed it? I bet he arranged for Wilde to get injured, you know."

In related news, the "Bring Back Chris Williams" campaign has been disbanded following the signing of Matty McGinn, who has managed to defy the odds by endearing himself to the Chester faithful whilst in a peculiar twist of Stockholm Syndrome, Neil Young has joined the "Bring Back Bradley Barnes" campaign and has taken to egging his own windows in protest at his decision to keep the midfielder on the sidelines.

Monday, 19 September 2011

Chester prepare for a good Hyde-ing. (Hyde-ing... "LOL")

Chester return to action on Tuesday evening when they take on Hyde FC in the Cheshire Senior Cup and manager Neil Young is expected to award some of the fringe players with some much needed game time, partially for fitness reasons but mostly because many of the key players don’t hold all that much interest in the competition.

“It’s a bit disappointing really” admitted Young.

“I sent the lads a group text to see who was up for it but Simmo needs to put his bins out, Matty McNeil felt insulted that I’d asked him to play in such a pointless game and a few of the other lads want to stay in for the Leeds vs Man Utd game.  Four of the squad didn't even get back to me, but I'm trying not to get insecure about that. To be honest, I might just swerve this one myself and ask Gary Jones to take over for the night if he's free.”

One player making a welcome return is Michael Wilde, back after a period on the sidelines due to injury. In an interview with the Seals Podcast, which wasn't aired after he spent too much time sounding a bit like Steven Gerrard, Wilde admitted his relief that the Hyde clash is an away match.

“Home games are a little uncomfortable” explained Wilde. “I usually have to endure people hilariously singing ‘Wilde Thing’ at me outside the ground, and then Cleggy has it on loop once I'm inside."

Fans hoping to see Bradley Barnes play 90 minutes may be disappointed. Despite not being asked any questions that were even vaguely related to Barnes, Neil Young explained that he "had a bad feeling" about the midfielder playing the full match as he doesn’t trust "men with alliterative names".

It’s not known how many away fans will attend the fixture, as the Cheshire Senior Cup is generally an inconvenience and usually involves playing a team that sounds like somewhere you’d go to have your Badminton racquet re-strung. The specatators that attend CSC games are typically the same type of people who woke up at an unspeakable hour of the morning to watch the unrelenting festival of dirge that was Nigeria v Sweden during the 2002 World Cup.

Saturday, 17 September 2011

Free Saturday means fun for all

Chester FC benefit from a rare weekend off today, and The Jestrian can exclusively reveal how a number of the players and officials intend to use their free pass.

John Danby - going on a cruise or something

Michael Powell - quiff maintenance

Jeff Banks - watching reruns of Match of the Day 2, desperately texting Colin Murray, promising him he can change

Robbie Booth - washing his hair

Chris Simm - taking a trip to Gulliver's World

George Horan - catching up with WWE Smackdown, to pick up new tackling tips

Matty McGinn - finding anywhere where he can take a penalty

Greg Stones - rescuing cats from trees

Christian Smith - just bein' cool

Neil Young - still giving his post-match interview from Wednesday night

Friday, 16 September 2011

McGinn move hits roadblock

Matty McGinn has impressed fans and staff alike in his loan spell, but his proposed permanent move to Chester is subject to the Evo Stik Northern Premier actioning a rule change.

Under the constitutional rules of the league, it is prohibited to have two players called "Matty McSomething" in one team, as "this can be confusing for fans, who will forget which is which", and Chester's squad already contains Matty McNeil.

In section 89 of the constitution, entitled "Rules we've put in for a laugh", having two players called "Patrick O'Something" is also outlawed, whilst a team that ends on precisely 87 points with a goals difference between +15 and +21 will be presented with a giant toblerone to share between them.  Furthermore, a team containing three or more players with lurid green boots will have to start any given game with a two goal deficit, and this is thought to be the real reason behind Michael Aspin's depature.

Manager Neil Young managed to gain special dispensation to have a team containing two Matty Mcs following the departure of Rob Marsh-Evans, and is now lobbying the league to change their rules to allow McGinn into his squad permanently.

"They've said they'll allow it if I promise not to field them both at the same time, but I think that's still some way short of being fair" said Young.

"We'll keep looking for ways to move forward.  I've broached the idea with Matty McGinn that he changes his name to Patty McGinn by deed poll.  He wasn't keen on that, but he did say he'd consider changing it to Mervyn Spotkick so that could be an option yet."

Thursday, 15 September 2011

4-0 rout a game of two halves

Chester romped to a comfortable 4-0 victory over Kendal last night to continue their surge towards to top of the league.

The Blues got in front after just two minutes, although many fans missed the early goal as they were still outside lobbying for the return of Mark Peers.

Things got even better two minutes later as Chorley Chester were awarded a penalty. Confident after having converted his four previous spotkicks, Matty McGinn incorporated a forward roll and a moonwalk into his run-up before calmly dispatching the penalty kick and running off simply pointing and laughing at the beaten goalkeeper.

"We know all about the penalty clause in McGinn's arrangement with Chester, but we didn't expect the ref to give it so early in the game.  It really affected the momentum of the match" argued Kendal manager Lee Ashcroft.

Just after the half hour mark Chester added a third through Matty McNeil. The goal was met with sighs and tutting from the Chester faithful as they accepted that the game as a contest was over before half time, with some even heading for the exits.

After the break, the game turned horrifyingly dull with any sort of attacking play rendered as rare as dodo caviar.  Indeed, one of the more eye catching aspects of the second period was the stylishly photosynthesising grass. Christian Smith and Michael Taylor started a game of 'I Spy' whilst Michael Powell counted the number of away fans and took to yelling "I'm Wim Jonk!" every time he touched the ball.  Meanwhile, Liam Brownhill spent most of the second half singing "I know a song that will get on your nerves" at the Kendal left winger.

After weeks of talks between senior fans and club management, Bradley Barnes came off the bench late on to complete the negotiated minimum of five minutes of game time which he is to be guaranteed in each game he is available. This did stir the home crowd and by the time Ian Howard wrapped up a fourth, some even celebrated with a weary fist to the air.

The Blues have a free weekend on Saturday before Tuesday's Cheshire Senior Cup outing to Hyde FC. The Senior Cup was a competition that was an amusing aside when the club was in its previous guise and playing at a higher level, but these days it's actually considered a serious competition and it's really not that interesting or funny anymore.

Tuesday, 13 September 2011

Home game to reignite attendances 'debate'

Following two away games, fans of Chester FC are glad to get back to the Exacta tomorrow in order to resume the practice of thinking that they can judge the attendance figure better by sight than the club can by using an automated ticker system.

Despite the fact that it is scientifically impossible to calculate numbers upwards of six at a glance, many Chester fans believe that they can differentiate between figures such as 2300 and 2700 by having a sweeping look around the ground then holding to their instant estimate as though it had been signed off by the National Office for Statistics.

"The attendance at the last home game against North Ferriby, was announced as 2150" said Marlon Poppyjack of the Are The Correct Attendances Being Announced at The Exacta? lobbyist group.

"I think that was an underestimate.  I had a look around in the second half whilst the ball was out of play, and by my ill-considered calculations, there were definitely more like 2263."

Gareth Grant joined the ATCABAATE lobbyists after believing the North Ferriby game had been attended by at least 4000 fans.  He later resigned his membership when it transpired that he had banged his head and had double vision.

"I was wondering why there were two balls, to be honest.  It seemed a radical rule change" admitted Grant.

When the FC United encounter was attended by 3219 fans, Bobby Giles, founder of ATCABAATE, raved "Where can you fit another three thousand in here, eh?!  Tell me!  Show me where!  You're wrong, you're all wrong, fools!" before driving his three kids home in shuttle runs because he couldn't figure out how to fit them all in his people carrier at once.

In response to these accusations, Paul Griffin, member of The City Fans United attempted to explain the capacity of each stand, but no-one was particularly interested.

Monday, 12 September 2011

Young looks ahead to Kendal

Chester will be full of confidence when they take on Kendal Town on Wednesday evening, having chalked up an impressive three consecutive wins. The early season defensive frailties appear to be a thing of the past, coinciding with the moon being "in the seventh house" and the return of Michael Taylor to the starting 11.

"Michael has impressed in training recently.  His return is completely unrelated to the fact that Christian Smith isn't really a defender" said manager Neil Young.

"It's important that we try players out in certain positions to see if they can do a job. Now we know about the abilities of Christian in that position, we're going to take a look at Joe Ormrod in the sweeper role in the cup games and also experiment by asking John Danby to play a continental 'libero' role."

Clark Powell of The City Fans United added that Mark Reed has been asked if he can do a job cutting the oranges at half time for Wednesday's home game, to ensure backup should the caterers pull out.  Meanwhile, Reed has been working hard to create first team opportunities for himself by kicking Matty McNeil in the knees when he's not looking and challenging Chris Simm with riddles on Saturday mornings in an attempt to confuse him enough that he turns up late again.

Young is expected to name an unchanged side on Wednesday, but insists that he will continue to punish latecomers.

"People have to remember that we pay these guys.  Turning up late is unacceptable" said Young, who is also a manager at Merseyrail, for goodness' sake.

In the interests of continuity, Chief Executive Pat McCluskey has weirdly asked that all staff wear the same underwear as the previous home game, washed or not, and Rob Clegg will be spilling water on himself again.

Sunday, 11 September 2011

Professional Performance Confounds Philosophers

Chester continued a good run of form yesterday, with a workman-like 3-0 victory away at Worksop Town.  Following the game, several fans and officials of the club described it as a "professional performance", causing uproar in the philosophy world as some of the country's greatest minds started to ask whether it's possible for a semi-professional club to put in a professional performance.

"For me, this is up there with questions like 'If a tree falls in a forest and there's no-one around to hear it, who chopped it down?'" said Lennie Hood, who is remarkably intelligent but has chosen to spend all his time thinking about things that probably don't matter.

The Oxford Philosophy Post-Graduate continued "If a semi-professional player produces a professional performance, then he contravenes the very semi-professional nature of the game.  Either it's a conceptual impossibility, or Chester are cheating.  At best, they should be turning in semi-professional performances, or the entire integrity of the competition is compromised."

When asked what a semi-professional performance might entail, Hood shrugged and suggested "every time a player works hard to wins a corner, he has to contrast it by doing a shot of tequila?"

Hood was then asked to muse upon why amateur Sunday league sides insist upon buying expensive Nike kits because they "look more professional", at which point his head exploded in a self-satisfied cloud of smoke.

Meanwhile, Paul Morris who works for the Inland Revenue admitted there "may be some tax implications" should Chester continue to put in professional displays in defiance of their semi-pro status.

However, Neil Young rose above the confusion in the philosophy and financial worlds to praise his team for another three points well won.

"The lads really worked today.  At times it was tough going, but we earnt ourselves some good fortune and we're delighted to come away with a another win and another clean sheet" said the Blues Boss when asked to sum up the game in one word.

Friday, 9 September 2011

McGinn retention dependant on Chester winning more penalties

Chester take on their second away game of the week when they travel to Worksop tomorrow, with the future of Matty McGinn still undecided.

The left back has made a fine impact so far, scoring so many penalties in his first four or five games that even Carling Opta threw their abacus against a wall, gave up trying to count and stormed out of the room to get pizza.

And the penalties are a big factor in the decision McGinn now has to make.

"I've enjoyed my time at Chester, but before I can commit, I'm going to need assurances from the manager that we're still going to get a penalty at least every other game.  Ladies love a goalscorer and my best chance of goals is from the spot, so this means either playing for Chester or Chorley 2010-2011.  I'm working on a time machine so that the latter is an option, but if Youngy keeps playing these penner-getting tactics, I could be convinced to stay at the Exacta."

Manager Neil Young responded by saying "No one player can dictate the tactics, but Matty has been an inspiration in his short stint so far, and the penalties are working for us so we're certainly taking his comments on board.  We'll be working in training at kicking the ball into a defender's hand like you can do on FIFA 2011 and the forwards will be learning how to use Derren Brown-style mind tricks in order to dupe centre backs into tripping them."

The full transcript of Young's interview can be found spread across twelve hardback volumes in Chester Library on Northgate Street and went on for so long that four reporters are nursing broken dictaphones.

Thursday, 8 September 2011

Michael Powell continues to suffer from severe bout of not being Bradley Barnes

Chester midfielder Michael Powell last night continued his struggle against not being Bradley Barnes, during Chester's 2-0 victory away to Ashton.  Despite being part of a professional performance in which Chester produced a solid win in spite of awful weather, Powell was unable to match the expectations of certain parts of the crowd that he be Bradley Barnes.

Powell, who a bit looks like actor Michael Sheen, (who, ironically, would probably have a good shot at being Bradley Barnes) has produced a string of solid performances this season, but has still fallen short of being Bradley Barnes.

The midfielder has found a kindred spirit in Liam Brownhill, whose quality performances at right back have been similarly overshadowed by his not being Michael Aspin.

"I hate change, I hate change, I hate change, why does it have to change?!" raved one Main Stand regular

Powell was subjected to criticism from certain sections of last night's travelling fans, with shouts of "Bring Back Bradley!", "I preferred last season!" and "Your name isn't alliterative!" heard around the ground.

"It infuriates loyal fans like me that Powell is allowed to continue playing in the side when he is not Bradley Barnes" said Kyle Garrett of Blacon.

"I'm taking it as a personal insult to me and my mother that Powell keeps getting picked despite making no effort to be Bradley Barnes.  We love Bradley.  He scored some vital goals last season.  What's Powell done?"

Powell, signed from Southport in March, scored a goal in each of the final four games of last season during Chester's incredibly tense title run-in, at the end of which they eventually won the league on goals difference.

Wednesday, 7 September 2011

Jamie Rainford's Facebook account to come under constant surveillance

It emerged today that Jamie Rainford's Facebook account will be under minute-to-minute surveillance following tonight's game away at Ashton.  Win or lose, fans will be logging on as part of an organised vigil in which they will seek to further villify the club's record signing.

Rainford, who admittedly doesn't help himself by using the self-assigned nickname "Ronaldo", has in excess of 2400 "friends" on Facebook, meaning his status updates are witnessed by more people than have typically shown up at the Exacta on matchdays this season.  He has angered nosier Chester fans this season by having a social life even when Chester lose, and by expressing his disappointment at having failed to make the impact he would have liked to early in his Chester career.

"It is important that as fans, we can criticise players for anything imaginable, and if that means having to hunt for statuses on Facebook because there's not enough going on on the pitch, then so be it" said 34 year old Harry Griffin who has added nine Chester first teamers to his Facebook friend list, including 16 year old Joe Ormrod, which is a bit creepy really.

"When we paid money for Rainford, he sacrificed basic human rights like the right to be frustrated and the right to post vaguely inadvisable things on social networking sites" said another fan.

"That's why tonight we'll be checking every photo he comments on, every person he pokes and every status update he writes for excuses to cause a massive fuss.  The players last season didn't do this kind of thing, you know.  At least, I don't think they did.  Maybe they just didn't as readily allow people like me to invade their privacy?  Come to think of it, why am I adding these people like they're my friends?  Excuse me, I'm off to reassess my life."

Monday, 5 September 2011

Bradley Barnes cameo overshadows victory

The Blues produced a classy performance on Saturday to sweep aside North Ferriby United, most famously known for being the club with whom Dean Windass began his career.  However, most of the Chester faithful were more pleased with the appearance of Bradley Barnes than the crushing 6-0 win.

Starting the game on the bench, Barnes was greeted with enthusiastic celebrations from all sides of the Exacta as he warmed up on the touchline, and a couple of B Block regulars were spotted wiping tears of joy from their face using specially made Bradley Barnes novelty handkerchiefs.

As Barnes returned to the bench, the crowd fell silent, despite the goals raining in. As a tactical move, Gary Jones ordered the former Bolton trainee to get the atmosphere going again and Barnes obliged by whipping the fans into a frenzy with some impressive stretching and light jogging. The Harry Mac were quick to join in this time, chanting "Barnes will tear you apart again" despite the fact that Bradley Barnes is a ball winning and goal-scoring centre midfielder, not generally prone to tearing sides apart.  This was followed up by a rendition of "Jerome Wright has a tremendous aerial presence".

The team were roundly booed upon leaving the pitch at half time despite being two goals up, clearly disgusted that Michael Powell was having a good game whilst "Bradders" was still warming the bench.

Mid second half, the crowd got what they wished for when Horan departed the pitch and Barnes joyfully bounded onto the Exacta turf with a point to prove.

"Barnesy's arrival was the best moment of the season so far, and quite possibly the best moment since my wife gave birth to our second child" said Harry Mac regular and father of three Tom McDermott

Things reached fever pitch as Barnes got himself on the scoresheet. He connected with a low cross to power the ball past the hapless goalkeeper and the crowd erupted with cheers that woke a sleeping baby in Warrington.  Barnes lapped up the applause before breakdancing to his own beatboxed rhythm in front of Neil Young, whilst most of the East Stand joined in.  Meanwhile, Devachatter "thebarnesultimatum" attempted to commandeer Rob Clegg's PA microphone to perform a twelve minute rap that he had written all about how badly he believes Barnes has been treated, but was thwarted by a steward who always preferred Tom Field.  Amongst the pandemonium, Neil Young composed an internet advertisement on a smart phone behind his back with one hand, making Barnes available for loan.

Friday, 2 September 2011

Chester await visit of North Ferriby

Chester enter tomorrow's home game against North Ferriby United with some uncertainty.  Following rumours that Chris Simm and Iain Howard ended up on the bench due to showing up late against Nantwich, manager Neil Young has confessed that he will "have to see who turns up" before he selects his starting eleven for the Ferriby clash.

"It's a tricky time of year" said the manager

"It's the last week of the school holidays, and some of the guys might be wanting to spend time with the kids before they go back, or use the chance to buy stationery supplies and stuff like that.  We're hoping that Greg Stones turns up at least, as he can play in any position on the pitch."

Stones, who recently won an award as The Most Unnecessarily and Unfairly Criticised Football Player of the Past Decade, has already slotted in at right back, centre back, left back and centre midfield this season, always putting in a good, reliable shift which has earnt him an avalanche of inexplicable abuse on Chester message boards from people with a loose grasp of the game of football and an even looser grasp of the English language.

"I'm happy to play wherever the gaffer asks me to" said Stones

"I'll even take a shift in nets if Danby can't make it, though apparently George Horan sort of knows someone from work who plays in goal a bit, so we might be alright."

Iain Howard was initially thought to be in trouble for turning up late at Nantwich, having been totally plastered.  This miscommunication was later cleared up when it emerged that he turned up late, having been delayed during a plastering job, which sounds comically similar.

Thursday, 1 September 2011

COYB officially "lame"

Scientists at The Royal Institute for Acronyms and Abbreviations last night confirmed that using the abbreviation COYB in place of the phrase "Come on you Blues" is lame.  Experiments confirming that it is also tedious were completed this morning.

Dr Bill Puhlumb, the lead scientist in the experimentations stated "Ironically, it's people with too much time on their hands who find it necessary to abbreviate the already short phrase and plaster it on their Facebook page.  This whole thing came about when I realised that people had enough time to write a status about their football team on Facebook, but apparently not enough time to write their sentiments out in full.  These sorts anomalies spark experiments, and this seemed one worth looking into."

The experiment turned back the results that the abbreviation COYB is "significantly lame" and that people who deploy it are just 5% less tedious than the kind of person who brings their newborn baby to work.

Kevin Jones, ardent Chester fan and regular user of the COYB abbreviation expressed his disappointment at the findings; "I'd never realised it, but with this report, it has clearly been scientifically proven that I am a complete dullard".

Meanwhile, COYB-sceptic and West Stand regular Liam Kelly was delighted by the report, saying "This just confirms what many of us have been saying for so long.  It's not funny, it's not clever and it embarrasses us real Chester fans, who are proud enough of our club to say the full words.  I'm pretty sure COYB is something Everton fans use, actually, and we don't want to be like them do we?  Imagine having hoards of fans turning up to games pretending that they saw Dixie Dean play in his heyday. It'd be a nightmare."

Also as a result of these experiments, it has been confirmed that the abbreviation commonly used by Liverpool fans, YNWA (You'll Never Walk Alone), is similarly tiresome.

"The fact that YNWA is an anagram of YAWN is not a coincidence" stated Dr Puhlumb.