Monday, 31 October 2011

Chester FC vs Frickley Athletic Match Report

Frickley tore up the form book to claim a hard earned point at the Exacta Stadium on Saturday, frustrating their hosts, who were clad in pink in order to show support for Breast Cancer Care.

Athletic took the lead following some poor defending from Michael Taylor, who got rinkcavaged by Ollie Ryan who then lured John Danby into hauling him down. The penalty was dispatched and Chester were left wondering how this had happened after having enjoyed 98% possession until this point, 95% of it between their defenders.

It nearly got worse for The Pinks when Christian Smith was caught daydreaming about how to pretend he’s not in when trick or treaters knock on his door, and squandered possession, forcing Danby to make a save. From Danby’s throw, Chester broke past the halfway line and  Jamie Rainford produced a surprising, yet classy finish. Now Rainford is back in the goals, he has upgraded his Facebook name to Egil Ostenstad.

Chester continued to dominate possession after the break and created a string of chances, with charitable hero Michael Wilde guilty of missing several opportunities. The sucker punch was soon to follow when the home defence allowed Brad Grayson through on goal, who calmly slotted past Danby.

Having re-taken the lead, the visitors looked to kill the clock in an attempt to pull off a result they'd have doubtless celebrated as though the Jules Rimet itself was on offer. 

"Three points here would've been better than the births of my two children," said Frickley boss Peter Rinkcavage.

"To be honest with you, getting away with a draw probably ranks above the second one.  Certainly on a par."

Matty McGinn's towering header pulled Chester level, but despite numerous opportunities and Chris Simm wielding a fetching pink plaster-cast on his comically fractured wrist, the hosts failed to find a winner. 

"I spent all night colouring it in," grinned Simm when later quizzed on his inexplicable miss from three yards out.

Frickley Goalkeeper Adam Billard bravely soldiered on through the second half despite apparently dislocating both shoulders, breaking both legs and hyper-extending his nose by the end of the 90 minutes.  The stopper has urged Evo-Stik league officials to look into a possible curse on the Exacta Stadium, complaining "Every time the ball went dead behind the goal, I was overcome with searing pain for a good twenty, thirty seconds.  I dunno - maybe it was a halloween thing?"
West Stand season ticket holder Kenny Loops was less than impressed with Frickley's approach, telling The Jestrian "It was disgraceful.  They've come here with one intention - to fight for cancer.  Turning up in their blue and white shirts when everyone else was getting into the spirit of it and wearing pink?  It's just disrespectful.  Frickley?  Sickley, more like.  You can have that one."

However, not all fans were so impressed by Chester's pink attire

“I know people are going to say it was a good cause, but on balance, I’d say that Chester not playing in blue and white at home is worse than cancer,” opined Terry Emem, East Stand regular.

Following the final whistle, Blues supporters packed into the cleverly renamed 'Pink Bar' to drown their sorrows and bid for their favourite player's pink shirt in order to raise money for Breast Cancer Care. As the auction rumbled on, Christian Smith admitted that he had intentionally not broken into a sweat all game in order to increase the resale value of his shirt.
"People were very generous and we raised a few quid," reported Blues CEO Pet Husky, who later confirmed that next week's clash with Stafford would be immediately followed by media office Juffity Bink-Bank trying to put on ten different suits in the space of a minute for Comic Relief.  "It's not even Red Nose Day," Husky cackled.

Friday, 28 October 2011

Chester FC vs Frickley Athletic - Match Preview

Chester return to league action tomorrow when they face obscure outfit Frickley Athletic at the Exacta Stadium.

Frickley sounds like a cross between an entry-level swear word, and a plant that might bloom in your back garden in the Spring time, and their wonderfully-named manager Peter Rinkcavage was less than amused by his team’s lacklustre display in their recent FA Trophy game against FC United.  Following a 0-4 marmalising by the Red Rebels, Rinkcavage (seriously, what a name) raged that Frickley had "played like a team of wazzocks" and admitted to "egging the cat" when he got home, in order to relieve his frustrations.

Looking ahead to the weekend and Rinkcavage will be hoping to have former Chester FC trialist Ollie Ryan in his squad. Ryan impressed in Chester’s first pre-season but was dismissed on the grounds that he looked too similar to then-target Kyle Wilson, which would have caused far too much confusion should the pair ever have been on the pitch at the same time.

"Hopefully Ollie can do enough keep the gaffer happy," purred a yolk-drenched Mrs Whiskerson.

In other Frickley-related news, the club has recently announced a link with Czech outfit FK Jindřichův Hradec 1910. Far from being just a random collection of letters and numbers, this is indeed a real team which competes in the 5th tier of Czech football, famous mostly for erecting a statue of Pavel Srnicek in the club car park. Potential benefits include making them sound a bit more interesting, like Garforth and their bizarre Brazil connection, and the possibility of stocking the clubhouse with strong Eastern European lager at a discounted price. Nobody has fathomed how Jindřichův will benefit yet.

Chester, meanwhile, will have to make do without the services of quiffy beanpole Michael Powell as he serves a suspension for being booked in the majority of games he plays in. Powell has a tendency to lunge in for unrealistic challenges in a way that is clumsy enough to warrant a yellow but timid enough to avoid a red. He is then typically spotted remonstrating with the official, sometimes with a flailing arm, before trotting away to accept the punishment.

“I’ve grown to enjoy it," said Powell of his weekly caution.

"It's as big a part of my Saturday as that bit on the X Factor where Dermot does his spin and declares that my 'weekend starts here.'”

The CFU officials are concerned that last Saturday’s game with Ashton was so drab that it could adversely affect the gate, but are hopeful that the publicity for the "Think Pink" day will catch the imagination of the Chester public.

“Yes, we accept it was tiresome last Saturday.  That's why this week we’re advertising it more as a Breast Cancer Awareness day and then we're going to sneak the Frickley match in once we’ve got enough people down here,” revealed Larry Hipflask.

Thursday, 27 October 2011

Blues in Brief

Oh boy, boy bands are not banned
The CFU Top Brass, Shark Growl has secured the booking of up and coming band The Chris Pilsburys for the FA Trophy clash with Stafford.

The Chris Pilsburys is a boyband consisting of Chris Pilsbury, three clones of Chris Pilsbury and Chris Pilsbury Jr.

Growl claims that there is “a gap in the market since Westlife parted company" and confirmed that The Chris Pilsburys will be performing a pop-operatic version of ‘Wilde Thing’ on the Exacta pitch at half time on November 5th. If Wilde comes off the bench for the game, The Chris Pilsbury’s are set to gather on the touchline to sing Eminem’s classic ‘Without Me’, harmonising the lines “Guess who’s back, back again, Wildey’s back, tell a friend”.

Opening the Barnes Door
Bradley Barnes is set to return to the club following his loan spell at Chester feeder club Colwyn Bay and his presence is sure to boost the gate for the game against Frickley on Saturday, which is a Think Pink day in support of Breast Cancer Awareness.

The club are already selling tickets for the auction afterwards, as fans started to act like children on Christmas Eve at the prospect of shelling out a ridiculous amount of money for Barnes’s pink shirt even though he probably won’t even get the chance to sweat in it. CFC officials have quashed rumours that they will be rubbing mud on the shirt to make it look like he at least warmed up vigoursly, should he fail to get game time on Saturday.

“He’s back to put some numbers on the gate, and look handsome in a pink shirt, but after that he’s straight back down the A55,” cackled manager Neil Young.

It's Raining Fords
Neil Young has publicly backed out of sorts striker Jamie Rainford in the local press this week.

“We’ll get him back to thinking he’s the scouse Ronaldo,” insisted Young.

“Ever since he got stick for calling himself 'Ronaldo' on Facebook, his confidence has been shot, but we're working on it.”

Jerome Wright has suffered in a similar way. After enjoying impressive pre-season displays, Wright then referred to himself as Ruel Fox on Friendster and has since struggled to make an impact. Bradley Barnes has risked invoking this curse, taking to MySpace to dub himself "The New Lars Bohinen", in an attempt to curry favour with Neil Young.

"Bohinen was a boss player," admitted Young, when asked.

Rainford was thwarted by Ashton goalkeeper Terry Smith in last Saturday’s match against Ashton, but was advised afterwards by Smith that if he practices with an invisible ball then he’ll come good.

Cooler than me (and you, and everyone you know)
Christian Smith is closer to returning to first team action after recovering from a spell on the sidelines.

“Darn tootin', Smiggers is back,” drawled the ice cool Smith.

“I’ve been chillin' out, maxin', relaxin' all cool but I’m ready to get back on the pitch whether it’s in midfield or in defence with my boy Tay Tay. Call me.”

It's been a week since we mentioned it, but Michael Powell still has an excellent quiff.

Wednesday, 26 October 2011

Volunteers Wanted

Your semi-regular round up of volunteering opportunities at Chester FC

Word Re-definer
The City Fans United requires a skilled wordsmith to change the definition of the word "annual" in all mainstream dictionaries, in order to justify the continued absence of an AGM.  Applicants should apply by meeting with the The CFU board in a shady, disused car-park.  Possibilities include the car park for The Racecourse in Wrexham on matchdays.

Cup Coordinator
This is a vacancy which needs filling urgently.  CFC requires an individual with way too much time on his or her hands to keep up with all the pointless cup competitions in which their group of semi-professionals are forced to play.  Duties will include following Chester's progress in these competitions, remembering which ones CFC are still in, remembering who got booked in which cup and ensuring that the comedy value of the Cheshire Senior Cup is maintained at all times.  Email applications to

Human Shields
CFC requires an undetermined number of fans to line the Harry Mac Terrace, taking blows from balls being carelessly punted into the stand by Chester's bored substitutes during the half time interval.  Should a player accidentally strike a pensioner, child or, worse, a contributing member of society and subsequently come into the terrace to apologise, the Human Shields should lead the chorus that this is a classy move, rather than the most miniscule act of basic human decency.  Applications should be made by getting your face in the way of a ball at half time.

Tuesday, 25 October 2011

Neil Young's rehabilitation complete

Chester FC Manager Neil Young today checked out of his "Signaholics Anonymous" support group, with the organisers happy that he is now fully rehabilitated, and that his addiction to signing players, which blighted Chester's 2010/11 campaign, is now under control.

"Neil hasn't signed a player in months now" beamed a proud Jimmy Handlebars, who ran Young's particular support group.

"He came to us at the start of the year, when he was signing players like Michael Clarke, Scott Metcalfe and Jason St Juste, giving them 45 minutes, then kicking them out again.  He was in a bad way."

The journey has not been an easy one.  Young suffered several relapses during Chester's title run-in towards the back end of last season.  Notably blonde striker Jimmy McCarthy was signed up and quickly dumped and when youngster Jake Mackreth was signed from Tranmere, members of his support group were forced to stage an intervention.

"It didn't work" recalled Handlebars.

"He just got angry, told us he could do what he wants and weeks later went out and splashed thousands of pounds on signing Jamie Rainford, only to leave him on the bench."

CFC media man Jeff Jeff Binks admitted that the board felt some responsibility for Young's troubles;

"I guess with the funds available to us, Neil was allowed to run around like Roman Abramovich's kid in a sweet shop.  We trusted his judgment and let him run with it, but after the Josh Lennie fiasco, we started to worry.  Thankfully, he appears to have it under control now, though that's partly because Chris Pilsbury keeps stealing his mobile."

Young himself refused to comment.

Nah, just kidding, when does that ever happen?

"Nothing beats the rush of signing a new player, and it got out of control.  Some nights, if the missus wasn't in, I'd go online just to see what was available, and we'd end up with four new players.  That's kind of how Michael Powell came to join the club, though thankfully he turned out to be a good player" said the Blues boss

Accusations that Young has replaced his addiction to signing players with the adrenaline rush of selling popular players like Bradley Barnes and Greg Stones have been refuted by all parties involved.

Monday, 24 October 2011

Michael Wilde is still "back"

Following Saturday's distracting FA Trophy game against Ashton, many Chester fans have been left asking at what point Michael Wilde will no longer be considered to be "back".

As the heralded striker dispatched his third goal since his return from injury, microphone-hound 'Cleggy' roared "heeee's back!" over the PA system, much as he had done in celebration of Wilde's goal a fortnight previous.

Wilde made his first appearance of the season on 20th September, when he returned to the side from a collarbone injury to score Chester's second in the Cheshire Senior Cup tie against Hyde, but more than a month on, many Chester fans are too afraid to admit that Wilde's role in the team may be as a substitute.

"Wildey's just getting back from an injury" insists DevaChat's lovethewildethinginaslightlycreepyway

"He's not a substitute. Obviously he's on the bench at the moment but he's been out for ages. You know, if you don't count the month for which he's been playing."

This view is shared by Harry Mac regular Danny Di Agonalfringe.

"Michael proved today that he's back" said Di Agonalfringe, after Wilde's goal.

"And once he's scored ten goals, it'll be the greatest comeback ever.  Only a player like Mike Wilde could manage to produce a comeback involving 15-20 games.  Other players would just be in the squad by now, but Wildey is different.  He's 'back.'"

Indeed, The Jestrian heard this mantra so many times, that the word 'back' began to sound a bit weird, so we left and came back to the Exacta after the game, where we discovered Neil Young backing his car into a parking space near the back entrance, his numberplate being held on by sticky-back plastic and Take That's 'Back for Good' blaring from his stereo.  After a short wait, during which Young purportedly took a phonecall about the possible signing of former Leeds man Eirik Bakke, the Chester boss explained that the whole "Michael Wilde is back" meme is his own stroke of genius.

"So long as we can keep this idea going that Mike is still returning, he won't realise that he's just a sub and he won't hand in a transfer request" smirked Young

"I tried to make Cleggy sign a contract that says he'll keep screaming that Wildey's 'back' whenever he mentions him, but it turns out that's the kind of thing Cleggy does anyway.  To be honest, at this stage, it's halfway between a tactic for keeping Mike happy and a bet that I've got going with Gary Jones.  I bet him my entire POG collection that we can keep this going til Christmas.  If I win, I get Jonesy's Tamagotchi.  It's 13 years old, so it's pretty valuable to him.  He must be confident."

Chester beat Ashton 2-1 to progress to the next round of the FA Trophy, but who can be bothered keeping up with all these cup competitions?

Friday, 21 October 2011

Chester FC vs A Team From Ashton - Match Preview

Chester take a break from league action tomorrow night as they welcome Ashton to the Exacta Stadium in an FA Trophy clash. 

The Trophy is at least 14 times more dull than the FA Cup, yet 15 times more lucrative than the Cheshire Senior Cup, although historically the Senior Cup holds higher comedy value. The competition has seen Chester accomplish some feats that many never thought they’d see. You’d certainly question the odds on a Dean Spink hat trick away at Solihull, including one effort where he reportedly ‘ran’ from the half way line before slotting it past the keeper. Rather than celebrate with Spink, his team mates preferred to individually quiz Solihull players, asking if they could provide details of their whereabouts roughly 30 seconds previous when Spink uncharacteristically waltzed through unchallenged.

With tomorrow’s game looming, programme editor Robbie Mashtoft is running a tight deadline with the match day programme due to delays with the away players details, as nobody really knows which Ashton team Chester are due to play. The normally mild-mannered editor reportedly had to delete two hours work when he discovered it definitely wasn’t Ashton Rake FC.

“For Pete’s sake!” ranted Mashtoft.

“How many teams does this place need?!  Is it even a big place?  Why don’t they all get together and form one unstoppable Ashton force?  If nobody tells me which Ashton is it, I’m gonna start makin’ up names.  Would anyone actually care?”

This issue has also played havoc with Neil Young’s pre-match preparations. “There is an inexcusable amount of Ashton-based teams. To cover all eventualities we sent scouts to all 17 games involving teams from Ashton last weekend and, fingers crossed, one of them will turn up on Saturday” confirmed the Blues Chief.

One change to the line-up which started against FC United will be the loss of Chris Simm. The livewire striker slipped on a comedy banana skin whilst at home, causing considerable damage to his wrists, and street cred. 

“It’s a big blow” groaned Young. 

“Matty McNeil and Wildey Mike are quite similar and we’re still working with Jamie, but at least we’ve still got Bradders to chip in... oh”.

Former Marine man Jamie Rainford seems most likely to benefit from Simm’s wrecked wrists, but the forward has struggled to win some fans over due to a selfish streak, which recently saw him declare that “there’s no need” to pass to team mates.

“I’ll give him a chance when he starts making them for his team mates” said Oscar Tame, C Block regular, attempting to turn a phrase but not quite nailing it.

Admission prices have been reduced for the game, hoping to entice people to attend a game that has the potential to be more nauseating than that Johnny off the X Factor. Dee 106.3 will cover the game if Sky Sports Pundit Dane Pinningsberg is up on time, though Blues Live figures are expected to be low due to the fact they are charging for the privilege of listening to what promises to be a horrendously dull affair.  Even increasingly popular Chronicle journalist The Tall Peacock has confirmed that he will be missing the game.

Meanwhile, posters have been placed in local venues in order to advertise the game, with the strap line 'It could get reasonable... at some stage... we hope' which replaced the original promise of ‘Super Saturday’ which was pulled by Trading Standards.

Thursday, 20 October 2011


Chester’s players and manager turn their hand to Haiku, a Japanese form of poetry that takes the format of five syllables, followed by seven syllables, followed by another five:

Standing on my deck
Excited for the weekend
Alas, I did fall
Chris Simm muses on his injury

Hair blows in the wind
How does my quiff stay sturdy?
Ye, 'tis scaffolding
Michael Powell explains the secret behind non-league's most impressive fringe

Left foot or right foot
Which is my stronger trotter?
I keep them guessing
Liam Brownhill on his versatility

Nothing comical
About Brownhill obvious
He is hard to mock
The Jestrian's editor laments the difficulty inherent in trying to get Liam Brownhill mentioned on the blog

I score many goals
I can teach your kid to, too
Give me fifty quid
Michael Wilde shamelessly plugs his soccer school

I am a striker
I know full well how to strike
I am a postman
Matty McNeil confirms why he has not been playing at centre back, as was expected

The injury curse
How it does strike so often
It's a bit of a hassle to be honest as Simmo's in excellent form but it's a chance to get Wildey back in and Jamie Rainford will now have a chance to prove his worth, provided that the referee's assistant isn't too flag-happy.
Neil Young fails to follow the format, and talks for ages, as per usual

Wednesday, 19 October 2011

Blues in Brief (LOL, pun)

'Ello Cupcake
Chester are expecting a bumper crowd for Think Pink day at the Exacta. Anticipation has reached fever pitch amongst locals at the chance of them getting their hands on a sweaty Ash Williams pink sock in the auction afterwards.

Chief Exec Patrice Evruskey commented “It was a roaring success last year, I saw the smiles on fans' faces when they had a pink cupcake. Then I thought to myself 'why am I staring at people eating?'”

Tyresome Training
Liam Brownhill recently took to social media networks to publicly thank Alex Brown for helping him with a flat tyre that he discovered after training. Brownhill is yet to discover that it was actually Brown who slashed his tyres in the first place in order to further enhance his prankster reputation. Brown was spotted cackling to himself when driving away from the training ground. 

“That’s the Brown Dog for you.  Frightening.” giggled Neil Young.

Mersey Fail
After last year’s "Manager For A Day" auction  saw storage guru Andrew Donaldduck take over Neil Young's position for 24 hours in pre-season, officials for The City Fans United have confirmed plans are afoot for a similar scheme next pre-season, but with a unique twist. 

“We’ll give the chance for a local businessman to be Neil and have his say in how Mersey Rail is run for a day” revealed Lamb Shanks, spokesman for The City Fans United.

“They’ll ride the New Brighton line and check that the stations are kept in good nick.”

It was also confirmed that plans for a ‘Be a Chris Pilsbury For A Day’ auction have been shelved.

The Ex Players association continues to go from strength to strength after an evening hosted by Jonathan Legard was declared a success. This was an opportunity for Senior Blues to meet with the heroes from days gone by and come to the conclusion that nothing will ever beat Sealand Road, despite the fact we'd all be blind from the rust by now. Other highlights included a breakdown of that cup game everyone goes on about when we played Aston Villa 134 years ago, and anything to do with Grenville Millington and Gary Talbot.

Tuesday, 18 October 2011

Danny Toronczak love-in reaches critical levels of cringe

The Chester FC board today issued a warning that the hero-worshipping of former Ossett Albion forward Danny Toronczak by some Blues fans has been upgraded from "a bit cringeworthy" to "oh come on, you're embarrassing us all now."

Toronczak scored two goals against Skelmersdale on the last day of last season to ensure that Chester went up on goals difference, following a pathetic run-in which culminated in a majorly bottled 2-1 defeat to Garforth, leaving Cestrians hoping that Skem's margin of victory wasn't something unrealistic like eight goals or something.  The Skemmers went on to score a hatful, but Toronczak's brace dug Chester out of their ridiculous hole and, since then, the centre forward has attracted disproportionate levels of adulation from some Blues.

"I love him more than my kids" said Henry Japekins, glaring maniacally before eating The Jestrian's dictaphone.

The final standings meant that every goal on the final day was unbelievably vital, but whilst Toronczak will reportedly "never have to buy a beer in Chester again", Michael Powell, who netted for Chester in their actual game at Garforth, can't even drink beer in Chester in case someone has spat in it.

"Ah, there's an easy explanation for that" said Gary Hot-Dog, West Stand regular.

"Danny scored his goals without being an improvement on Bradley Barnes."

Meanwhile, Lancaster's Alex Johnson, who banged home a last minute winner at Giant Axe against Skelmersdale, is reportedly upset that he hasn't received the same adoration as Toronczak.

"My goal put the title back in Chester's hands" whimpered Johnson.

"Without it, Skem would have had an extra point - that's not some goals difference lottery, it’s an actual point.  Danny who?  It was all over by the last day really.  I should be the hero.  I should get the girl.  Why is the princess always in another castle?!"

We edged away nervously.

But it turns out that plenty of other characters have come forward to try and get a piece of Toronczak's fame.  The ref who sent off Steve Akrigg during Chester's 4-0 dismantling of Skem earlier that season has been spotted hovering around the Dublin Packet waiting for someone to buy him a drink and Salford City's Jordan Goodeve, who scored his team's second goal in a 2-2 draw with Skelmersdale in early November 2010, confirmed his availability for a half time interview at Chester's next home game.

Meanwhile, Phil Wood, the Ossett keeper past whom Skem struck seven final-day goals, confirmed that he received threatening mail seemingly originating from the Chester area containing messages such as "Toronczak has saved your life".

Chester has a history of rewarding others for their success.  In 2004, then-Hereford boss Graham Turner was given freedom of the city for failing to beat the Blues to the Conference title.

Monday, 17 October 2011

Cheap Manchester United 2-3 Chester FC - Match Report

There was late drama at Gigg Lane on Saturday as Chester produced a last gasp winner to snatch all three points against FC Man United.

Police had their work cut out early in the day as they were called to a nearby public house to deal with travelling supporter drunkenly quoting Sigmund Freud in a room full of FC United fans. The Police report suggests that the Cestrian had barked “A civilization which leaves so large a number of its participants unsatisfied and drives them into revolt neither has nor deserves the prospect of a lasting existence”, upsetting home supporters who were watching the Liverpool vs Man United game and were already perturbed that Wayne Rooney had been left on the bench.

Kick off was delayed by 15 minutes at the request of FC United fans, who rang the club asking for "some time for reflection” after their team secured a draw at Anfield. Some FC United fans did make it down to Gigg Lane early, draping an empty stand with flags adorned with 'witty' slogans, making it more intimidating than normal, but not as intimidating as it would be, were they able to fill it with actual human beings.

Chester were boosted by a large away following, whose bodies were three-quarters ale by the time kick off rolled around.  And it was slurring Blues (or Azslurri, to give them the Italian translation) who had the first cause to cheer, as Chris Simm ramped home his first of the game.

Blues fans gleefully went on to taunt their Mancunian opposites with chants of "You've got no history", before conveniently forgetting their own and breaking into a chorus of "USA! USA!".

Rather than settle Chester down, the early lead appeared to put them on edge as a nervy spell followed. Carlos Roca bagged a brace, scoring a questionable penalty and a questionable free kick.  Despite his scoring exploits, Roca still has a name which suggests he's better than he actually is, though his free kick goal is sure to have been compared to a "David Beckham Special" by FC journalists who have forgotten that Denis Irwin's dead-ball record was far more impressive than Beckham's.

The Red Rebels were put under immense pressure early in the second half as a glut of chances were followed by a red card for Man United B when Simm was bundled over by Adam Jones, whose name is officially 436 times more boring than Roca's.

Despite the reduction in numbers, United stood firm and Young introduced muscular thighed striker Michael Wilde and energetic substitute Jamie Rainford. It didn’t take long for Rainford to get involved as he broke free but frustratingly failed to round the goalkeeper when one on one. Chris Simm had also made the run with Rainford and was well positioned to score, but despite running like Basil Fawlty and waving frantically, he failed to catch the attention of the Rainford.

The Blues were finally back on level terms when Simm notched his second of the day, then slid over to celebrate with the fans. He appeared giddy for a few minutes after and later analysis showed the striker to be three times over the legal driving limit, having inhaled alcohol fumes from the away support.

As the clock ticked towards 90 minutes, Wesley Baynes swung a delivery into the area and the ball fell to captain Horan, who lashed the ball past the despairing dive of United keeper Spencer, causing pandemonium in the away stand. FC United supporters claimed that Horan had pushed a defender prior to shooting, which was probably true, but nobody really cares about that.

"It's a great result, and we're delighted" said manager Neil Young eventually, after offering up his customary comments about the officials, his musings on the Iraq conflict, his plans for a family holiday, his opinions on the poetry of Sir William Blake and a list of words that rhyme with Neil Young.

“We’ve got to keep the lads' heads on the ground though, so I’m glad there's a sombre cup game against one of them Ashton teams next weekend to dampen their enthusiasm.”

Friday, 14 October 2011

FC United Manchester vs Chester FC - Match Preview

The Blues hope to return to winning ways on Saturday when they travel to Bury's Gigg Lane to face that perplexing Manchester United spin-off. The journey has been welcomed by Chester supporters, as it makes a welcome change from travelling to a cesspit of despair and having to queue for an inhumane amount of time to acquire a thin, pricy cheeseburger. Despite the buzzwords that are rolled out at most Chester away games, such as ‘friendly’, ‘quaint’ and ‘made to feel welcome’, there’s no doubt that it will be fun to pretend we're a bit big time again, just for a day. 

Manager Neil Young will hope to see his team get back on track after their winning run was halted at Buxton on Wednesday evening. Many supporters questioned the decision to drop Chris Simm, forcing Young to offer the following explanation;

“Look, Buxton is a place with inexplicable weather, so we pretty much figured we needed to take the playing surface out of the equation. Simmo was unlucky, but if he was more beastly and perhaps 7ft tall he could have started. The other problem is that Michael Wilde is fit, and it's a bit like on Champ Manager, when you've got a couple of strikers in form, but you know the guy returning from injury has 20 for finishing.  To be honest, I was hoping to quit without saving the game after the Buxton draw, and play the match again without dropping Simmo. But Gary Jones reminded me that you can't pull that trick in real life because of the strict nature of the space/time continuum.  Weirdest post-match debrief ever."

Jerome Wright is certain to miss the trip to his former club, and has been advised by Mediocre Manchester Police to avoid Gigg Lane completely.

“Jerome unwisely decided to progress his career by joining a better-supported club with their own ground, and earn more for doing so. It’s still a bit raw for Norwich fans, and we’ve been monitoring internet forums to foil potential threats” said PC Goon, from those Enid Blyton novels.

Another doubt for Saturday’s trip is Matty McGinn. Despite making an appearance from the bench on Wednesday, he revealed to Evening Leader reporter Tennis Ball that he has a calf problem;

“She’s still young and I don’t want to leave her on her own for a while. She still needs to be bottle fed regularly and isn’t quite ready to join the rest of the herd yet.”

FC United are an odd club, with a worse identity crisis than an eyeliner-drenched teenage boy. Their fanbase regularly sings old-school Manchester United songs, which bear no relevance to the new club.

"Oh, I am so sick of this criticism" said FC United fan Rick Bucknell.

"We're still proud of the pre-Glazer days, when it wasn't all about the capitalist corporate agenda.  Our protest is against the Glazer regime, but we still have fond memories of the days when we used to toss away 28 million on players like Juan Sebastien Veron - you know, before it became about stupid money."

In response to this, away regulars have hinted that they may follow the trend on Saturday.

“We’ve consulted supporters via Facebook and we reckon it will be really cool to sing ‘Stuart Hicks wrestles bears’, ‘Wake me up, before Agogo’ and ‘Goran Milosavijevic is f’in brilliant’” rasped supporters coach regular Jerry McWhippy.

Meanwhile, some Eisteins from genius factory The Deva Chat have suggested waving American flags and singing "USA, USA" in order to wind up the FCUM fans, which would definitely be hilarious and by no means massively and moronically hypocritical given the misery which American owner Terry Smith inflicted upon Chester City in the 90s. 

Thursday, 13 October 2011

Blues react badly to defensive breach - Buxton 1-1 Chester FC Match Report

Chester FC was last night thrown into turmoil as Buxton played host to a 1-1 draw which sent goalkeeper John Danby into a spiral of depression.

Having not conceded a goal in living memory, Chester went in at half time leading, after Michael Powell quiffed home a Wesley Baynes delivery.  This came off the back of Buxton missing a spot kick that sent penalty king Matty McGinn into a giggling fit so severe he's now rated 'doubtful' for Saturday's trip to FC United.

However, within ten minutes of the second period starting, Michael Wilde's dad Josh had scored for the home side, sending shockwaves through the Chester team.  Having forgotten the procedure, John Danby asked the referee whether he was allowed to retrieve the ball from the net, or whether it worked like those machines you get at The Megabowl.  As Chester were asked to kick off again, Matty McNeil protested for five minutes that his side had already done their one kick off for the game and there was a further delay as the referee retrieved the official rule book from the changing room in order to prove to the veteran striker that this was the way that the game must restart.

As the game finally got underway again, Michael Taylor began to vomit violently and Liam Brownhill lost focus, wondering how he would explain this on Twitter.  Having lost all faith in humanity, Baynes, Wilde and Powell all picked up cautions from the card-happy referee.

Former CFC benchjockey Mark Reed had a golden opportunity to give Buxton the lead, but fluffed his lines after he was distracted by John Danby, who was sitting in the corner of his goal, crying and drinking heavily.

Chester did break through the grief briefly.  Jamie Rainford who, in contrast to John Danby's aversion to conceding goals, seems to be reluctant to score them, sent in an excellent centre for Howard who saw his shot saved by the Buxton keeper.  Emotions were running high and Chris Simm spat at gunned up winger Howard, accusing him of "disgracing Danby's memory".

And Buxton almost took victory in the dying seconds, but Scott Maxfield's goalbound effort was deflected round the post by a solitary John Danby tear as the game ended a goal apiece.

Grumpy Chester fans were delighted that the side had finally conceded, and wasted no time in telling their long-suffering friends that they'd seen it coming for weeks and that manager Neil Young is clueless.  Meanwhile, Michael Powell returned to his car to find the tyres slashed by members of The Real Bring Back Bradley Barnes Campaign.

Young delayed his press conference in order to scream at the officials for noticing Baynes's comical dive.  When he finally wandered over to speak to the journalists, Young performed a One Man Play entitled "All the decisions the ref got wrong" which spanned three acts and included an angry interpretive dance number depicting the first half penalty decision.

"To concede or not to concede" said the Blues boss.

"That is the question."

Wednesday, 12 October 2011

Buxton vs Chester FC - Match Preview

Chester take on Buxton tonight in a clash that you sense nobody really wants to be involved in. The prospects of standing in a cold, presumably muddy outpost such as Buxton as winter sets in is certainly not a mouth watering prospect, especially with the more attractive clash with FC United just days later. Buxton is well known for being one of those peculiar places that the away supporters coach used to pass through whilst travelling to some depressing hovel like Chesterfield, and for being named after a cheap water manufacturer.

Mainly, this is an opportunity for fans who attend the fixture to slap themselves on the back whilst berating those who didn’t go. One fan, who wished to remain unnamed, has revealed that he has a seasonal bug and may have to miss the game. He went on to comment that he is now living in fear of the reprisals which will come from his fellow supporters;

“I had to miss the FC United game earlier in the season due to prior commitments and at the next home game, it felt like everyone was looking at me; judging me” said the shaky-voiced supporter.

The Waterboys have had a mixed start to the season. Despite boasting the league’s top scorer in Kieran Lugsden, the defence has proved a little leaky as the goals filter through with alarming regularity.  Chester will be hoping to tap into these defensive frailties, according to striker Chris Simm;

"We'll have to aquat ourselves well.  Hopefully we can trick 'll of the Buxton lads with our slick passing game.  The missus is coming along for this one.  Me and 'er are gonna stay over. We've had to reserv' oir table for dinner afterwards.  And for those questioning my commitment, I want to say that I'm up for dis still.  I know I turned up lake at Nantwich but I've got the minerals, and we're in sparkling form.  That's why everyone should get on the Blues Player - it's a top revenue stream for the club and you get to see some great footy."

This interview later turned out to be even stranger that it had first appeared when it transpired that far from being deliberate, Simm was completely unaware of the string of tenuous puns he had used.

Buxton have been boosted by the return of former Chester bench-warmer Mark Reed, who recently produced a bizarre outrage at Blues fans, lambasting them for criticising him during his time at the Exacta. The allegations came as a surprise to the Blues faithful, many of whom had considered Reed to be a honest, hard worker who kept his head down and got on with it, whilst others had assumed he was a fan who had won a competition to come onto the pitch at half time and boot the ball into the net over and over.

"Criticise Mark Reed?  For what? I don't think he even had a chance to get anything wrong, did he?" muttered a fan who we harrassed into giving an interview even though he clearly didn't want to do it.

Manager Neil Young has often altered his tactics for difficult away journeys, and tonight’s trip will be no different.

“I’ve asked Gary Jones to nip to Sainsbury’s before the game and get a crate of Volvic. We’ll pass it around the lads during breaks in play, just to wind the Buxton-suppers up” grinned Young.

“We’ll be shouting stuff like ‘show some Volcanicity’ from the bench, and asking the fans to yell that they prefer tap water.”

“A lot of the lads genuinely prefer Evian anyway.”

Meanwhile, Iain Howard is hoping to unveil a one off special celebration if he scores.

“It will be like Gazza at Euro 96” chuckled the ripped winger.

“I lie down screaming and flexing, then Simmo’s gonna spray Vittel all over my face – that’ll show them.”

Tuesday, 11 October 2011

Gang Culture envelops CFC

With the Senior Blues first meeting taking place in the Blues Bar on Friday, and the Junior Blues continuing its roaring success, some disenfranchised Chester fans have moved to form the group "Blues at a Point in Their Lives Where They Are Not Defined By Age."

"It's a shambles that we are not catered for" said the brains behind the operation, Terry Jacks, 37.

"If we're going to be arbitrarily dividing the fanbase in this way, it needs to be fair across the board. Maybe we can further separate ourselves into categories like Mid Life Crisis Blues and Old Enough To Drive, But Not Old Enough To Rent A Car Blues. The possibilities are endless and hopefully, some time soon, we can have our own kind of sectarianism going on."

Scientist Bobby Grill-Cheese from the Royal Institute of Scientific Stuff at that University they've got in Keele these days elaborated on these ideas, pointing to potential benefits;

"The CFC fanbase is already at civil war, with everyone thinking they're a better fan than the next guy. These kind of groups help to formalise the divide already present. Of course, the idea that all Chester fans over 65 are going to have things in common is a little presumptuous, but looking at The Deva Chat, it appears that most of them have similarly vile views about people not from this country, so maybe there's something to it."

Meanwhile, Cheshire Police are insisting upon the next home game being changed to an all-ticket 10am kick off on a Thursday in order to prevent ugly scenes between rival members of the Junior Blues and the Senior Blues.

“It’s a nightmare” said board member Bark Trowel

“Apparently some Junior Blues have ganged together and are calling themselves 'Zimmer Kickers'. They’ve been overheard planning to set upon the Senior Blues, who have in turn stocked up on catapults and Werther’s Originals.”

The situation is in danger of snowballing, as fans look for different ways in which to make themselves stand out. Blonde Blues meet for the first time next week, which has led to the creation of Ginger Blues. Teetotal Blues have been denied use of the Blues Bar as a meeting place and the Blues Who Work In Insurance support group is gathering pace. Meanwhile Blues Blues, which comprises of Chester fans who like BB King, has also been started, but the membership seems destined to stay at two, due to the lack of cultured individuals amongst the Chester faithful.

You can join the Blues Who Like The Jestrian society by clicking on that Facebook link over there ->

Monday, 10 October 2011

Chester FC 1-0 Chasetown - Match Report

Neil Young saw his team continue their impressive form on Saturday, as they moved closer to the Evo Stick Premier summit with a narrow victory over a stubborn Chasetown outfit. The visitors packed the defence to keep the previously free scoring Blues away from the area, whilst also deploying tactics such as remaining unwashed for days to deter anyone who went near them.

The old "is Liam Brownhill left footed or not?" conundrum reared its ugly head again as Young teased the Chester faithful by playing him at left back, opting to give Wesley Baynes a start in the right back position. Young and his coaching staff explained this move was due to Matty McGinn failing a late fitness test, although senior club officials hinted it was because of Baynes's vague Tweeting style that often leads to disruptive hysteria amongst Chester fans.

Chester officials were pleased with the healthy attendance, which was in excess of 2900, although this figure was boosted by a stand full of local school children who had been forced to endure the game as a punishment for coming up with lame homework excuses, such as "my dog ate it", "it's in my other bag" and "my mum put it on a really high shelf and I couldn't reach it this morning."

It is also thought the traffic problems in the city and its surrounding areas contributed towards the impressive crowd. Some people questioned admitted that they were heading towards the Greyhound Park from the Sealand area in order to buy a lampshade, believing 3pm on a Saturday to be an appropriate time for such behaviour. However, rather than waiting in traffic, many decided instead to kill the best part of two hours by watching their local side play against a team with a name that sounds like a disappointing independent movie.

Ironically, Chasetown subsequently did their best to recreate a traffic jam on the Exacta pitch, parking the proverbial bus in front of their goal, a mini in each corner and one of those pink hummers that you get on orangey hen parties in the centre circle.  By the second half, Chasetown's full backs had taken to charging a toll of £4.30 to use the wings  This successfully thwarted Iain Howard, who didn't have the correct change.

The game itself was lacking in entertainment, mainly thanks to Chasetown's staunch refusal to allow a game of football to break out.  However, the Harry McNally terrace was stirred midway through the second half when a large crow expertly swooped onto the Exacta turf and was through on goal, only to be inexplicably flagged offside by an over-eager linesman.

"I saw the crow take up a dangerous position and it looked across the line before timing it's flight to perfection" raged Main Stand regular Barry Fishwick

"The lino has had a nightmare there."

The offending official later defended his decision, commenting that the bird was "offside by a beak's length."

In the dying moments of the game, as supporters gave up hope of spotting the slightest glimpse of excitement, Michael Wilde rose highest to nod home a perfectly flighted right foot cross from Liam Brownhill late in the game, to the delight of the regulars and the nodding approval of the emergency lampshade brigade.

Chester win so often these days that it appears to have become harder to celebrate wins. When asked to sum up his feelings, Neil Young sighed and said "It's quite nice to be fair. Winning it late on made it a bit more exciting rather than scoring early."

After speaking briefly of his mild pleasure at scoring the winning goal, Michael Wilde opted to spend most of his post match interview musing on the weather;

"I know it was raining but it was really quite pleasant. Very warm for October."

It was left to Harry Mac regular Sam Gritton to have the last word;

"The lesson learnt from today's game is that if after the full time whistle, you can still vividly remember the moments where there was wildlife on the pitch, then the match was probably complete bilge."

Thursday, 6 October 2011

Awards Galore for Chester

Neil Young leads his squad into the home game with Chasetown on the back of the Manager of the Month award, and also the Fair Play accolade after his team only picked up five cautions throughout September.

Chester picked up the Fair Play award for a month in which, by pure coincidence, George Horan had to sit out a couple of games.

"Sure, George has missed a couple of games, and that's helped us to save money on fines for yellow cards" said Chairman The Pilsbury Dough Boy

"But it would be wrong to imply that we have won the fair play award just because we've not had a player on the pitch who is intent on using centre forwards as a climbing frame and getting in the odd fight.  Other factors have come into play.  For example, Matty McNeil helped a goalkeeper tie his laces at the start of the month, so he didn't have to take his gloves off.  And Neil Young has shaken hands with the managers he's faced, which immediately puts him ahead of petty children like Garry Flitcroft."

Horan is, however, well known for his borderline GBH antics.

“If you reckon the Boston Crab, a chokeslam and the odd dropkick makes me guilty, then I guess I'm guilty” said the skipper.

George ‘Stone Cold’ Horan is well on his way to collecting the coveted ‘Dirtiest Player since Cortez Belle’ award. Belle, now picking up suspensions for Port Talbot FC, was alleged to have headbutted a hole in the changing room door at Northampton during his time at Chester and has since picked up a 7 (seven) match ban whilst plying his trade at Merthyr Town.  Indeed, criticism has been levelled at Horan for failing to commit his acts of violence with the same look of glee often found spread across Belle's face.

"I can't grin that widely" confessed the centre back, after being shown footage of Belle's antics by NATV, before being charged for the privilege by club officials.

Meanwhile, Gary Jones has revealed that Neil Young has been keeping a low profile since winning the Manager of the Month award.

“Neil’s asked me to take recent training sessions due to fears about the manager of the month curse. In truth, he’s rarely left his house in case anything sinister happens.  When I phoned him the other day he sounded shaky and took some convincing that I wasn’t a Chorley spy.”

Wednesday, 5 October 2011

Volunteers Wanted

As part of a new feature, the Jestrian will be bringing you weekly updates of volunteering opportunites at the Exacta Stadium.

Current voluntary opportunities are:

Social Media Handling Officer – Primary duties include overseeing the social networking accounts affiliated with the players,  ensuring nothing vaguely negative about the club is made public. The position has arise due to recent social networking activity.  For example, Jamie Rainford inexplicably expressed frustration a few weeks ago and Liam Brownhill was issued with a formal warning by the manager at his day job after being caught spending a quarter of his working day “re-tweeting”.  This is an important position.  The city of Chester was brought to a standstill when an over-excitable fan got confused about a recent Wesley Baynes tweet, jumping to the conclusion that he was leaving.  The successful candidate will leave no room for false interpretation. Applicants should send a tweet to @binksy2468.

Burly Stewards – It has been commented upon that the current stewards are overwhelmingly polite and happy. However, should Chester progress up the football pyramid, it is inevitable away crowds will increase leading to increased demands on stewarding. More hostile away followings will require angrier stewards, who should also possess a fearsome grimace and have the ability to make fans feel guilty even if they’re not doing anything.  Previous experience telling people off for having a half a shoe on the yellow steps and being a general jobsworth preferable.  All applications should be sent to Chief Stewards Prince Richard and Sue Perkins. 

Pie Connoisseur – The successful candidate will ensure that matchday snacks meet the required standards and that the hot drinks burn the roof of your mouth.  Secondary duties will include ensuring that the question “what actually is Bovril?” is asked by at least one terrace-dweller per match.  Applicants should hang around the nearest refreshment stall on the next possible matchday.

Tuesday, 4 October 2011

Young keen on fitness

Fitness is the key according to Blues boss Neil Young as his team go into Saturdays clash with Chasetown after the team’s excellent form has been halted by an unfortunate week and a half break from competitive action. Unlike professionals, the squad do not train on a daily basis and Young is concerned about what state the players may come back in.

“Last season when we had a few days off, Michael Wilde came back looking like a gigantic orange and George Horan was an amorphous blob” explained the manager.

“I’m wise to it this time.  For example, we know that Liam Brownhill likes jammy dodgers so we’ve asked him to try and eat Weight Watchers cookies as an alternative just until the lads are playing regularly again.  Liam gets a little touchy about his figure ever since he asked Simmo if he thought his bum looked big in the pink kit.”

Young confirmed that Gary Jones has been asked to monitor fitness levels at the next training session, specifically using the ‘pinch an inch’ technique and also a power walk from the Exacta to the Northgate Arena where BiG Lupus will be waiting with a basket of 20ps ready to insert them into a weighing machine to obtain the squad’s current weight levels. Any whoppers who are a few pounds over the limit will be forced to endure countless re-runs of Mr Motivator’s popular fitness DVD ‘BLT Workout’ before running a half marathon in the old Roman mascot costume from the Terry Smith era, which was recently found in a cupboard at the Exacta Stadium by board member and Mark Benton lookalike Dark Owl.

In the absence of the luxury of a club dietician, Young has sought advice from contacts who have helped him compile a lists of foods that can be eaten on matchday.

“We’ve asked the lads to eat Shreddies for breakfast as I’ve been reliably informed that they help keep hunger locked up until lunch – this helps to cut out needless snacking. We’ve also introduced Mars bars as I’ve heard that just one of them can help you work, rest and play and this is vital for lads who are working in the morning before a game”.

The squad have taken to the new eating habits.

“I had a plastering gig in the morning before the Stocksbridge game. The Mars bar helped me get through the work, helped me to rest (somehow) and then I was more than ready to play – bob on” raved Iain Howard

Meanwhile, Young himself has taken to drinking Red Bull in order to give him the confidence to field both Iain Howard and Robbie Booth, on the basis that “Red Bull gives you wingers”.

Monday, 3 October 2011

Barnes and Stones move on

Two of last season’s title winning heroes were shown the exit door last week, as Neil Young attempts to trim down a large squad. Bradley Barnes is set to join 17 former Chester FC players at Colwyn Bay and Greg Stones has headed for Prestatyn.

Barnes was a solid midfielder who became popular beyond his wildest dreams once he stopped getting picked.

“It’s a bit like my ex-girlfriend Sally” said Henry Hunter, B Block regular.

“I wasn’t that keen on her, but when she left, I suddenly really wanted her again. I started remembering the good times, the walks in the park, watching the X Factor on a Saturday night and that stunning volley she scored against Ossett. Actually, that last one might have been Brad.”

Meanwhile, Stones was one of the first batch of players signed by Young upon the formation of Chester FC and his departure will be a blow to the squad as he could fill each and every position if and when required, up to and including donning the BiG Lupus costume and carrying the water. At one point he even had a shot at being Chief Executive when Paolo Del Cluskio phoned in sick.

The gigantic utility player was lambasted by oafs who know little about football but by the majority his efforts were respected as he would usually be dependable at worst. Stones was also a purveyor of trickery, when he would regularly perform multiple step overs in the most pressurised of situations, then run past players shouting “you’ve been merked!”

And it’s not only on the pitch where Stones will be missed. His Booker nominated programme feature ‘Gregga’s Gripes’ which featured in The Cestrian was a firm fans favourite, and would often bring a smile to a fan’s face when they would read the programme at half time, prior to having a football powered towards their skull whilst not looking at the pitch. In an exit interview, Stones reassured fans of the column’s future.

“I’ll now have some spare time between clubs to really have a think about more things that irk me so fans can sleep comfortably knowing that when I do sign for my next club, the column will return bigger and better than ever.”

Greg submitted one final gripe to Programme Editor Bob Ashcloud for the recent Chorley Town clash, but Ashcloud deemed “Youngy’s released me, how could he do that?! TO ME?!” as inappropriate for publication.

Meanwhile, another saga that has dragged on for quite some time is the ‘Get Simmo on Twitter’ campaign. Chorley Town defender Andrew Teague took to jabbing him during Wednesday night’s game saying “go on, go on, go on” and David Cameron has added his signature to a growing list of names on a petition – although this did lose some authority when it was discovered that it was actually the signature of former Chester City striker and Scottish/Welsh/Geordie (could anyone actually tell?) chunk David Cameron.