Tuesday, 27 August 2013

Peacock flies the nest

Following an already-turbulent start to the season, Chester FC has been further rocked this weekend, with the announcement that professional ink manipulator and beardy pseudo-celeb The Tall Peacock is to depart his role as the Chester Chronicle's reporter on all matters Deva.

The Peacock's Twitter feed has long been the first port of call for Chester fans in search of news and exclusives pertaining to their club, even though that definitely seems like the kind of function the official website should be carrying out.  News of his depature has been greeted with mixed feelings with some expressing their sadness, others branding the journalist as a "dreadful glory hunter" for bailing in the midst of Chester's nightmare run of defeats, and one chap even claiming to be "more of a Dennis Wall fan, anyway".

However, for The Peacock, who will henceforth be covering Blackburn Rovers for some Lancashire news outfit*, it was an easy decision.

"For three years, I've been able to print the same story every week," admitted the Jedi Pen-Twiddler.  "Basically, Neil Young would try and keep a straight face whilst stating that whatever assortment of beer-bellied postmen and probable ex-convicts his team was facing that week would be 'strong and well-organised', and I'd flesh it out with something about how he still fancied signing a left winger.  Sometimes we didn't even bother with the formality of the interview, to be honest."

"Problem is now, there's a bit more to be thinking about, so I'm going to go and report on Blackburn where nothing bizarre or controversial ever happens."

The Peacock is well noted for his sense of humour.  As well as his regular promotion of hilarious blog The Jestrian, he once described a match between Chester and Buxton as a "blood-and-thunder clash", though this move backfired on him as his tears of laughter fried the laptop upon which he had typed the report.

"Cost me and arm and a leg that did," recounted the Podcast rent-a-guest.

With the identity of The Peacock's successor as yet unknown, The Jestrian has taken it upon itself to provide a breakdown of the possible candidates:

Sharks Prowling - The Chronicle's chief Chester FC enthusiast, owner of gorgeous hair and able to hold his breath under water for ten minutes

Caramel Lucy - Even better hair than Prowling and, as an Italian, able to tell Deva Chat fusspots a thing or two about genuine corruption in the running of football clubs

Shaved Pigs - Occasional Tall Peacock tribute act, capable but thought to be put off by the lack of a Seals Podcast, leaving him unable to ruthlessly up his own profile in the way that the outgoing candidate did

Famous Colin Murray - Having departed the BBC for Talksport, a local newspaper seems the next logical step

The Jestrian - But The Jestrian and The Tall Peacock are the same pers... ssshhhhhh!

Having now covered his last game, The Peacock will drift off into the memories of Chester fans, lodged somewhere between Michael Wilde and Stuart Graves in the affections of Blues followers everywhere.  His Blackburn adventure begins on Monday.

In unrelated news, Venky's new Peacock Burger is expected to be available from early next week.


*The name of said organisation has not been cited here, as if they were ever to Google themselves, their newbie journo may be left struggling to provide a coherent explanation as to why there's a corner of the internet where he's known as a lofty colourful peafoul.

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