Friday, 26 February 2016

Gone to the dogs

Cheshire police have confirmed that, following a successful trial run by their neighbours in North Wales, they will be rolling out extreme new measures to keep the crowd under control at Sunday's conference clash between Chester and Tranmere.

In the early hours of Wednesday morning, police on the A55 deliberately hit a dog with a car so as to prevent the carnage that could be caused if a dog got hit with a car. It has now been confirmed that this was an experimental method that the police plan to roll out to other operational areas.

"It's not a first port of call, but it's there if we need it," explained PC Billy Truncheon, who is looking forward to the overtime that he'll get paid on Sunday for artificially heightening tension at a football match.

"You have to remember that the dog had bitten an officer and caused an HGV to swerve.  It's basically a two strikes and you're out policy.  We think the trial has good parallels with the match at the weekend, except that H block Chester fans are more likely to bite you, and lorry drivers are less likely to swerve for a Tranmere fan."

"Anyway, if someone disrespects a minute's silence, makes a rude gesture to the opposing fans or sings that song about smelling bacon, they're gonna get mowed down by me in my Q5."

"I've been playing Grand Theft Auto to get a bit of practice in."

This plan will continue a rich history of the police treating football fans in Chester like dogs.  If you do want to act like a hooligan within the city, however, there is ample opportunity to do so at Chester Races, where you can act like the most despicable human being alive so long as you wear a skinny tie and shiny suit from Next; and so long as you are accompanied by a woman with a daft hat, a tan the colour of nuclear-grade Orangina and heels that she's too drunk to walk in.

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