What a reprief!

Chester FC made it four promotions in four years with victory in the AGM trophy today. 

Having been relegated little over a month ago, Steve Burr's men bounced back with an exemplary show of patience to down Hereford United and sneak back into the Football Conference at the first attempt.

"It took a bit longer than we'd hoped, but we got there in the end," commented a relieved Burr, who had spent a number of days complaining that the delay in the result was causing him problems in his preparations for next season.

"Well, I mean, how can you build a team without knowing what league you're going to be in?," explained Burr.  "No other Chester FC manager  has ever had to do that. You know, except for the only other manager we've had. He did it unflinchingly. But other than that..."

Hereford's decline owes much to their high risk tactic of saying they were gonna pay for stuff then not paying for it.  Given this flagrant breaking of the rules, the only just outcome was for Chester to retain the place that they unfairly lost on an exciting last day of the Conference season.

However, citizens of the the Mensa capital of Britain (otherwise known as English Wrexham) have taken umbridge at Chester's reprieve, stating that other teams who weren't the victims of cheating should get the Bulls' place instead.

"Promote the two losing play off finalists from North and South!" yelped one goaty genius.

"Let's make it a 25 team league next year just to avoid reprieving an unfairly relegated team who played within the rules!"

"No, Let's have a play off between whoever is still signed on at Guiseley and Ebbsfleet by dragging them off the beach in Magaluf," chimed in another.

"Let's then allow the loser of that to be promoted if Salisbury go bust!" continued the proud Welshman, all the time talking in his first and only language of English.

"Then, if someone else goes bust, we'll promote the winners of the fair play league.  Or whoever can pull the saddest face, because they really deserve it.  Or the club with the biggest floodlights.  Or the team with the most dead supporters for Wrexham fans to make banners about."

Meanwhile, some Chester fans attempted to commiserate with Hereford fans, talking of the 'heartbreak' inherent in being a football fan when the shell of a company through which your team's taxes are paid goes bust.

"I wept when Chester City filed for bankruptcy," confessed C Block regular Dimmy Limabean.

"I didn't cry when my grandad died though.  Which is weird, because he didn't even reform days later as almost exactly the same entity, refusing to pay the debts of his previous incarnation."

With the news finally confirmed, Burr can now go ahead and sign good players, rather than the collection of garbage he had intended to sign if Chester's relegation had stood.

The new season will start at some point in the future.

Not taking smoke bombs to football matches "really easy"

The world of Chester FC fandom has been thrown into disarray by published scientific findings that show it is actually "really easy" to go to a football match without a smoke bomb in your pocket.

"Yes, we've run some extensive experiments, all of which have turned back similar results," reports Dr Thomas Laundryroom of The Royal Institute of Not Being a Moron at Football Matches.

"We had previously concluded that 'it's not that hard' to not take fire-based annoyances to sporting events, but more recently we've discovered that the more accurate answer is that 'it's really easy, you inconceivable dullard'."

And Blues fans have been rocked by the news.

"This is going to revolutionise the way I watch my football," said terrace regular Gordon Tightjeans. "I've always gone the footy with a lighter and a smoke device. That's just how my dad taught me. I didn't think you could get in without one. I'm gonna save so much money now I realise that I don't have to be an attention-grabbing child."

Other fans have dismissed the findings.

"I only go to football matches with the express intention of making life difficult for people with respiratory problems," confirmed Degsy Coolcap of the H-Block youth movement. "If I'm now being told I've gotta watch the togga without choking an asthmatic, then I'm sorry but that's political correctness gone mad!"

Elsewhere, some clown probably said "no pyro, no party", like that's a thing.

Meanwhile, further studies have shown a startling correlation between the sorts of fans who moan about price hikes and the sorts of fans who don't care that their behaviour may result in club fines.

Peacock flies the nest

Following an already-turbulent start to the season, Chester FC has been further rocked this weekend, with the announcement that professional ink manipulator and beardy pseudo-celeb The Tall Peacock is to depart his role as the Chester Chronicle's reporter on all matters Deva.

The Peacock's Twitter feed has long been the first port of call for Chester fans in search of news and exclusives pertaining to their club, even though that definitely seems like the kind of function the official website should be carrying out.  News of his depature has been greeted with mixed feelings with some expressing their sadness, others branding the journalist as a "dreadful glory hunter" for bailing in the midst of Chester's nightmare run of defeats, and one chap even claiming to be "more of a Dennis Wall fan, anyway".

However, for The Peacock, who will henceforth be covering Blackburn Rovers for some Lancashire news outfit*, it was an easy decision.

"For three years, I've been able to print the same story every week," admitted the Jedi Pen-Twiddler.  "Basically, Neil Young would try and keep a straight face whilst stating that whatever assortment of beer-bellied postmen and probable ex-convicts his team was facing that week would be 'strong and well-organised', and I'd flesh it out with something about how he still fancied signing a left winger.  Sometimes we didn't even bother with the formality of the interview, to be honest."

"Problem is now, there's a bit more to be thinking about, so I'm going to go and report on Blackburn where nothing bizarre or controversial ever happens."

The Peacock is well noted for his sense of humour.  As well as his regular promotion of hilarious blog The Jestrian, he once described a match between Chester and Buxton as a "blood-and-thunder clash", though this move backfired on him as his tears of laughter fried the laptop upon which he had typed the report.

"Cost me and arm and a leg that did," recounted the Podcast rent-a-guest.

With the identity of The Peacock's successor as yet unknown, The Jestrian has taken it upon itself to provide a breakdown of the possible candidates:


Sharks Prowling - The Chronicle's chief Chester FC enthusiast, owner of gorgeous hair and able to hold his breath under water for ten minutes

Caramel Lucy - Even better hair than Prowling and, as an Italian, able to tell Deva Chat fusspots a thing or two about genuine corruption in the running of football clubs

Shaved Pigs - Occasional Tall Peacock tribute act, capable but thought to be put off by the lack of a Seals Podcast, leaving him unable to ruthlessly up his own profile in the way that the outgoing candidate did

Famous Colin Murray - Having departed the BBC for Talksport, a local newspaper seems the next logical step

The Jestrian - But The Jestrian and The Tall Peacock are the same pers... ssshhhhhh!


Having now covered his last game, The Peacock will drift off into the memories of Chester fans, lodged somewhere between Michael Wilde and Stuart Graves in the affections of Blues followers everywhere.  His Blackburn adventure begins on Monday.

In unrelated news, Venky's new Peacock Burger is expected to be available from early next week.

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*The name of said organisation has not been cited here, as if they were ever to Google themselves, their newbie journo may be left struggling to provide a coherent explanation as to why there's a corner of the internet where he's known as a lofty colourful peafoul.

Turner round and say goodbye

Chester manager Neil Young has been dealt a hammer blow for the final two dead rubbers of the season, as identical twins Nathan and Lewis Turner have been recalled by their parent club Leeds United.

With Leeds now safe in the Championship, new manager Brian McDermott is seeking to up the morale at the club, and has chosen to do so by staging an all-LUFC remake of the classic 1990s film The Parent Trap - a film in which two identical twins (both played by Lindsey Lohan) are raised separately, by one parent each, but meet in later life and begin to regularly swap places with each other in order to spend time with the parent they never got to meet.

Whilst Leeds midfielder Michael Tonge had designs on playing the Lohan role himself, McDermott has determined that production costs would be lowered by using actual identical twins, and has recalled the pair accordingly.

"I think they'll play the part admirably.  It may even be more believable than the 90s version, because Lewis and Nathan actually look more like each other than Lindsey Lohan looks like herself," enthused McDermott.

Young is thought to be frustrated by the move, but accepts that these are the pitfalls of loan signings.

"The real blow is that I'd had the 'remake the Parent Trap' idea myself," lamented the Blue Chief.  "Now I'm going to have to use Gary Powell and Jimmy Soul as the kids instead, and they only look a bit alike."

The Turner twins made a big impact on the Blues in their short time with the club with Nathan dominating the midfield and Lewis nodding home the club's hundredth goal of the season to confirm the Seals' championship status.  Whilst this means that they deserve to be acknowledged for their individual contributions, they really don't help their own cause by making their Twitter accounts unnecessarily similar in terms of username and profile picture.

Their departure leaves under-fire manager Neil Young sweating on the last few games.  After winning his third title in three years, Young showed himself to be a sentimental sort, allowing Iain Howard to play the last home game of the season against Solihull on Saturday, so that he could be brought off to a standing ovation in the second half.  This led Deva Chatters who had begged for Howard's inclusion all season to berate the manager for playing fringe players and losing the club's unbeaten home record.

"I walked out in disgust before we were even presented with the trophy," raved Angry Blue.  "I don't know why I even follow football, if the thought of winning trophies doesn't even get me going.  I'm almost punishing myself aren't I?  Maybe I should take up something else?"

With the Chester squad now shorn of two important players, Young has admitted to scrabbling around desperately trying to bolster the team before Halifax on Thursday.

"He's been going through the telephone directory, ringing all the Turners, hoping to track down Nathan and Lewis's mum so that he can ask if there's an unknown triplet who's slipped through the net," explained assistant manager Gary Jones.  "He's been unsuccessful so far.  At one point he rang Radio Merseyside reporter Neil Turner, and had to pretend like he'd meant it.  Bit awkward, as Youngy can't resist giving an interview, so that was three hours out of his day."

Neil Young: Web Splat

Following the Chronicle's "ask a painfully obvious question" web session with Neil Young today, the Jestrian has carried out its own Q&A session with the Blues manager, using questions submitted by you, the fans.  Well, not necessarily "you".  Pretty much definitely not "you", actually.  Read on.

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The Jestrian:  Neil, thanks for joining us.

Neil Young:  No worries.

TJ:  Our first question comes from Tommy Floodgates from Blacon, and he wants to know "does it concern you that the Jestrian constantly makes up quotes and attributes them to you, occasionally portaying you as halfway between lunatic and megalomaniac?"

NY:  Not at all, in fact I hope they write an entire feature in which I'm answering questions in that manner.

TJ:  Excellent, thanks Neil.  The next question relates to away games.  Graeme Bouncycastle, an East Stand regular, asks "are you going Guiseley, mate?"

NY:  Yeah, I probably should.  Been all the other awayers this season like, so it'd be a shame to ruin the record right at the end.

TJ:  Nice one, Neil.  Sticking with the theme of away games, Benny Brusselsprouts asks "what is your favourite song to sing with the Garys in the technical area?"

NY:  Ah, there's so many.  That's just something we like to do at away games for the loyal fans.  Seriously, if you've never been an away game, you're well missing out.  Me, Gazza J and Gazza P work hard on our harmonies, and I think our acapella version of Billy Oceans 'For the Longest Time' is pretty tight these days.  Any song that allows Powelly to rip out a mint trumpet solo is always an event, too.

TJ:  Tru dat, yo.  Gerry Handrails asks "what's with the state of the trains on the Chester to Lime Street line?  The seats are a disgrace."

NY:  Not my problem anymore, dog.

TJ:  Thanks, dog.  This one comes from Timmy Halfwit - "Did Jeff Banks sign Lee Trundle without your knowledge?"

NY:  Yep.

TJ:  Cool.  Henrietta Bountybar asks "if we hadn't got that last minute winner at Prescot Cables, would you have quit?"

NY:  No, but I did duck out ten minutes before that happened, if I'm being honest.

TJ:  Completely understandable.  This one comes from Adam J - "how do you sleep at night?"

NY:  Let it go, mate.

TJ:  Safe.  MC Chris Simm asks "can we expect any more MC Neil Young tracks"?

NY:  That's probably a question for you, isn't it?

TJ:  No idea what you're talking about.  The Michellin Man asks "where's yer puffer gone?"

NY:  I still wear it if I'm going to a posh function or wedding.  Gotta use it sparingly, as you can't find them very easily in shops these days.

TJ:  Strange, that.  The Pirelli Man asks "where's yer puffin gone?"

NY:  Kennels.

TJ:  Obviously.  Yannick Loopyloop asks "what are your plans for next season?"

NY:  Win it by Christmas and spend the rest of the year going round the country in an open-top bus using a mega phone to let everyone know that I'm ace.

TJ:  Sounds good.  Next, from Amy Treeswing - "what areas are you looking to strengthen for next season?"

NY:  Pies, mainly.  And another six left wingers.

TJ:  Predictable. One final question from a 'Mrs Young' - "What do you want for dinner, later?"

NY:  Beans on toast, but with those beans that have the little pork sausages in.

TJ:  Truly disgusting.  Thanks, Neil!

NY:  Cheers, la.