Thursday, 7 March 2013

820 disgusting men

Chester director and motorcycle botherer Brill Quiff has outraged Blues fans and fellow board members after voicing his opinion that Chester fans might like to actually attend the club's games.

Listing some good reasons as to why the turnout for Chester's Cheshire Cup semi final with Tranmere might have been more impressive, Quiff (famous for his casually misogynistic "men go to the game whilst wives go shopping" initiative as well as his lesser known "get your little lady to knit you a Chester scarf" and "make sure she has a cake on the table for full time" campaigns) then got carried away, labelling the attendance figure of 820 "disgusting".

"I looked at the empty seats and vomited myself sideways," raved Quiff to Chronicle prose-pony The Tall Peacock. "Seriously, vomit everywhere. It was like smelling silage, or stepping in dog poo, or going to Wrexham."

"Basically what I'm saying with my choice of words is that, if you didn't turn up, you make me sick. And I'm hoping that that will make you want to come watch my football club in future."

Chester fans have taken to Deva Chat to slate this over-reaction, in a move lacking the sense of irony and self-awareness that you'd hope it would carry.

"Can't believe he's getting angry about something that was actually pretty good," scathed that one who always slags off Neil Young.

Meanwhile, Quiff's fellow board members were quick to draft an official statement reassuring the Chester public that the club isn't really that bothered whether they show up or not.

"820 was fine, stay at home if you like," read the statement.

In other controversy, one of the 820 attendees, Stoke City striker Michael Owen, has upset some dullards by saying on Family Fortunes that he lives "near Cheshire" rather than "in Flintshire", despite these being the same thing.

"To be fair to Michael, he was just avoiding that bit of the conversation where Vernon Kay would have had to ask where Flintshire is, leading him to say "near Cheshire" anyway," said anyone sensible.

Not everyone shares this opinion.

"Yeah, so he raised £30k for the Childbirth Appeal at the Countess of Chester, but that money is tainted now, because he mentioned Cheshire even though he lives nowhere near Cheshire," moaned someone without real problems. "I say nowhere near. In a Cheshire postcode, obviously. And he also said he lived in Ewloe, which is right. But he's still disgusting. Him and the other 819 of you."

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