Wednesday, 7 December 2011

Oh it's all gone quiet over here

Following a second criminally dull game in succession at the Exacta Stadium, discussion has again turned to the lack of 'atmosphere' during Chester's home games this season.

And it seems a discussion doomed to fail, as most Chester fans demonstrate a basic misapprehension of the term.  Rather than realising that an atmosphere is formed via a shared rapport between everyone in the venue, it appears that most Cestrian teenagers equate 'atmosphere' with 'noise', considering the Exacta to be at its most atmospheric when a bunch of kids boorishly chant the refrain to Bob Marley's reggae classic "Three Little Birds" whilst someone smashes a snare drum in 4/4 time.

"I went to a restaurant with a great atmosphere the other day," said Harry Mac regular Roger Kidney-Stones.

"There was a group of young lads in the corner incessantly chanting 'Neil Young's Blue and White Carbonara' over and over."

Another frequenter of the Harry Mac, Gareth Ponyhorse, had this warning;

"It's important to create atmosphere by making regimented, often unpleasant noise.  Have you ever seen a replay of that snooker final between Dennis Taylor and Steve Davies?  One of the greatest snooker matches ever, but you could hear a pin drop as Taylor stepped up to sink that final black.  No atmosphere at all."

Meanwhile C-Blocker Terrence Guffaw boasted that his section outsang the Harry Mac during the Worksop game, showing that it's not just the kids who have failed to grasp the concept.

Scientists at The Royal Institute of Handy Soundbites About Atmosphere in Hastings have offered alternative explanations as to why the atmosphere at the Exacta falls so flat.

"It's mostly the fact that Chester fans are pretty chilled out and don't get all angry about little things like, for example, them Burnley fans you get," mused Dr Gerry Juicebar.

"It means that if you stand on the terrace at Chester, you can have a chat about what's going on in Neighbours at the moment or have a cheeky flick through the Guardian.

"In conclusion, it seems to me that most Chester fans don't really care about football until they're on a computer."

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