Tuesday, 31 January 2012

A hole lot of nonsense

Following Chester’s home win against Mickleover Sports on Saturday, fans have turned on the club in a scathing criticism of the state of the Exacta Stadium car park. Angered by the team’s failure to beat Mickleover by at least three goals and having spent the preceding week complaining about the ample parking opportunities that surround the ground, it is now the physical condition of the car park which has come under scrutiny.

The complaints were sparked following a sticky situation which played out before the Mickleover clash when C-Block dweller Gary Edwington took a wrong turn down a pothole en route to a programme seller.

“One minute he was there, the next he was gone,” yelped programme vendor Trendy Yachts.

Edwington's cries ensured it wasn’t long before he was aerially hoisted from the hole, and once he had resurfaced, he revealed that other items were buried within the pit of gloom and despair.

“There was a CCFC fax machine manual, a faded red cap, one them peculiar Red Square home kits and Robert Gill,” said the shaken Edwington.

The incident has caused several fans to produce their own peculiar rants.

“Can’t we get the gypos to tarmac it on the cheap?” argued ‘Permanently Flabbergasted Blue’ off of The Devachat. It was one of those posts that seems like it's probably racist, but that the moderators let stay on the board in order to avoid being called over-zealous by the 95% of the forum who are radically right-wing, but spend most of their time complaining about the three or four "loony liberals" on the forum who criticise such things as racial abuse, swearing in front of children and the bricking of coach windows. 

Having, obviously, refused to follow this suggestion, The Council now face the wrath of supporters, with fans demanding that the local authority spend their bucket-loads of spare cash on a non-league football club car park on the outskirts of town.

“Sounds reasonable,” chuckled Councillor Spikey Cones, wearing a wide grin. “Sure the majority of tax payers will back that to the hilt - those roads needing attention in areas that people use seven days a week for their regular commutes can wait.”

The club have confirmed that the repair of the car park has been added to the official wish list, along with a brand spanking new bar, the Dane Bank Stand, a new training facility, fresh lobster from the kiosks, a Wi-Fi open zone and half time cocktail-making sessions.

"All these things will be added to the Exacta as soon as we can find a new avenue for extorting the fans," said the recently-quiet Media Officer Jaffa Cakes.

"We need another thing like the Blue$ Player, where we take the services of volunteers and charge for them.  We're in talks with the people who man the club shop about them paying for the privilege of working for our club.  'Sponsor a litter-picker' is another initiative that's been suggested.  We've tried to take The Tall Peacock's content and charge for it, but the Chronicle threw a hissy.  Our last idea is to ask the Jestrian to change to pay-to-view and donate the revenue."

The interview was swiftly wrapped up and Cakes left with a dictaphone stuffed in his mouth.

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