Monday, 17 December 2012

Chester FC 4-1 Bishop's Stortford - Match Tell

Chester FC ran out comfortable winners against Bishop's Stortford on Saturday, in a display which confirm that Chester are in the running for the 2013 edition of World's Strongest Bench.

"I reckon we'll ace the 'Pull a train with your teeth' task," enthused an excited manager Neil Young.

Chester took the lead early, as Ben Mills guided home a Dave Hankin cross.

"Studies have proven that if an infinite number of Dave Hankins, with an infinite amount of footballs, delivered an infinite number of crosses, all of them would hit Ben Mills...  well, all except one which would ironically wipe out a typewriting monkey," confirmed definitely qualified statistician Dr Pete Sake from the Royal Institute of Exact Sciences.

Stortford got back level, but not before a bizarre passage of play which saw the referee give a penalty before revoking it, on the apparent basis that, if the Bishops player hadn't been fouled, the ball would have wound up with another player who was offside.

The Blues had much to thank defender Paul Linwood for, as he broke from the pack to convince the officials that if the flag had gone up before the referee had blown his whistle, the penalty shouldn't count.  Linwood's powers of persuasion have grown through his foray into the world of business and the referee was ultimately satisfied that the fact that foul definitely took place in the passage of play preceeding the penalty was irrelevant, and reversed his decision.

"Some people would have played Dom Collins rather than Linners, but he's been watching lots of Derren Brown videos and I had a feeling today that we might the skills that he's picked up," smirked Young, self-satisfied with another excellent selection.

The Stortford players took the decision as a personal affront, and for the rest of the game indulged in such a sickening display of referee intimidation that even Neil Young was heard to mutter that it was "a bit much".

Several players towered over the diminutive referee, foaming at the mouth like rabid dogs.  The visitors' captain Reece Prestedge was at the centre of the angry protestations.  PA warbler Cleggy showed his sense of humour minutes later when the Bishops skipper levelled the game, ironically pronouncing the midfielder's name as "Prestige", following his utterly classless antics.

"In our defence, we knew there'd be a lot of kids at the game, and we saw a great chance to demonstrate to them that bullying is perfectly fine so long as a decision in a football match is at stake," said a Bishop's Stortford official who will remain nameless, just in case you can be sued for making up quotes on a blog.  (No-one said that really.  Shh.)

In the mean time, Chester had a bit of a giggle and attempted to play on with two match officials and three opposition players still having a ruck down by the corner flag.

"We got away with it for a good minute or so - top pranking," raved kitman Jimmy Soul, who was a permanent fixture on the side line throughout the game, presumably on the off chance that someone was going to need a new sock at some stage.

Eventually, it took a second half hat-trick from Craig Curran to give Chester the convincing scoreline with which they left the match.  Following a whirlwind display whereby the on-loan wide man, along with fellow substitute Marc Williams, turned the game on its head, it was confirmed that a local company had offered to extend Curran's loan deal on the condition that the Blues develop a bell.

"Something like that, anyway," murmured an uncertain Neil Young.

Meanwhile, striker Williams has become a Deva Chat favourite, meaning that he will now have to triple his performance levels to stay in the manager's plans.

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