Wednesday, 5 December 2012

Chairman of the Board

As of today, Chester FC has a new chairman, with business man The Phony Gherkin voted into the hot seat.

The news has been welcomed by fans, as The Gherkin has a good track record in business, time to devote to the cause and is also benefited by the fact that, even though his name has been bandied around the club for years, most fans have no idea what he looks like.

"It means I can basically wander about the place and I won't have busybodies coming up to me asking when we're bringing real pies back or why we still haven't signed Ben Mills," enthused The Gherkin, during his first press conference.

The Mickle Trafford-based business wizard made his name in the corporate world with QHP Ltd, a company he formed in 1987.  Standing for Quality Hydraulic Power, QHP is one of Europe's leading manufacturers of gas loaded bladder, piston and diaphragm accumulators, which are words that we've all seen before, but never in that order.

"I think it sets me up well for taking a football club forward, because once upon a time footballs were made from a pig's bladder," nodded The Gherkin, sagely.

Meanwhile, former Blues chief executive Asher Ste has been elected as vice chairman.  Asher oversaw Chester's successful first season before returning to his role with MBNA, which is an American basketball league or something.  With the Blues posting a loss last year, Asher decided to stand for election, with a manifesto which simply read "you really can't cope without me, can you?"

Blues fans are currently delighted at the appointments, given that both characters have a solid track record in business, overlooking the fact that they have gotten to that point through skilfully maximising the profit gleaned from their customer base.

"Everyone always talks about wanting Chester to be a community club, but just at the moment there's a bit of a fad for wanting experienced businessmen in charge," explained the Chronicle's Shaving Pigs, standing in for The Tall Peacock.  "Of course, to make a successful business, you explore every profit-making avenue available and make the customer pay as much as possible.  And it'll only take another proposed price increase for us to see fans turn on the very concept they are currently so ferociously supporting."

Indeed, with Blues fans characteristically confused as to what they actually want from the club, the job of the new men in charge is utterly impossible, so good luck to them with that.

Meanwhile, proving that no-one can actually retire from service to Chester FC, Dumbell Lift, who stepped down from the board only a couple of weeks ago, will continue as Company Secretary.

No comments:

Post a Comment