Tuesday, 13 November 2012

Behind Enemy Felines - Election Special

We know you've missed him, so we sent our cat out after dark to take a look around the houses of the men up for election to the board of the City Fans United.  Here's what he came back with.

The Houses of CFU Parliament
By The Jestrian's Cat


The Dark Owl

Usually if there's owls about, I'm trying to get 'em with my claws, but I'm on duty so I'm acting like the model professional.  Took a trip round the downstairs, which is basically just a cave full of Northern Soul records and the odd poster bearing the slogan "Blacon - not as bad as people make out."

Can't go upstairs at the moment because the Owl himself is up there. At one point, he said he was going out, but now it looks like he wants to stay after all.  Make your mind up, son.


Asher Ste

Hiding in the corner listening to Asher tell his wife all about how it was him who discovered Neil Young.  Apparently it was a chance encounter.  Asher had a dreadful journey between Liverpool and Hooton one day, and submitted a formal complaint to Merseyrail.  Neil sent a handwritten reply, but accidentally put his tactics for Colwyn Bay's next game in the envelope too.  The rest is history.  I think Mrs Asher has heard this story before.


Bike Stickers

I can't find much, here.  I might not even be at the right house, to be honest.


The Pilsbury Doughbeard

Sneaked in through the cat flap then skidded and slipped on a wax jacket.  They're everywhere.  Think I've hurt my hip.  Do cats have hips? I've hurt my cat-hip.  I could go for some cat-nip right now.

Had myself a cheeky play on the Chairman's electric organ.  If anyone had been filming me it would have been a straight-up Youtube phenomenon.  I think I've probably woken the neighbours - better get out of here before anyone realises it was me.


Rabid Kevins

Six hours on a late night train down to Kent and another two hours just to find his house.  Got there and he's got a bunch of people round playing darts and talking about how it's not fair that Chester only play in the North these days.

Got a taxi back north and charged it to the Jestrian.  He'll be picking up the tab for the pint of milk I managed to scuffle through the self-service checkout in Tesco Metro Beckenham, too.


Phony Gherkin

Tried to get in the front door, but was given a blast of some quality hydraulic power by the high tech security system.  Had to hop up on the roof and walk along the ledge like I'm the Coronation Street cat or something.  Got in through an upstairs window.  Bedroom wall is a BFFs collage of Gherkin, Rabid Kevins, Gone Kartin' and the Dark Owl.


The Other One

Weird place this.  The Other One seems to have loads of love letters from Bournemouth fans.  At least, I think that's what they are.  I'm a cat - I can't read all that well.  Basically, there's a bunch of pictures of The Other One with big red kisses all over them.  Some smothering his face, even.  They must really like him.

The Other One was in when I first got here, but he appears to have gone out now because the Pilsbury Doughbeard's mate turned up and started egging his windows.  Bang out of order, that - he didn't even say "Trick or Treat" first.  Etiquette, yeah?


Gone Kartin'

Place is crawling in nuclear waste.  I think my tail has become a leg.  He's still got all his memorabilia from his days as Chairman of the Supporters Club scattered about the place.  There's a piece of paper with the words "I should be Honarary Life President" scrawled on it over and over again, and a signed picture from Buzz Aldrin with the message "I know how you feel, mate."


Byker Grovey

There's not a single chair in this house without a hi-vis jacket on it.  The stairs are painted yellow and Grovey keeps shouting at his kids for standing up in the sitting room.

Some people from Halifax came round and smashed in the windows whilst I was there, but Grovey's a nice guy - he didn't get the police involved, just paid for them to get a taxi back to where they'd come from.


Use your vote wisely.

No comments:

Post a Comment