Thursday, 12 April 2012

Behind Enemy Felines

[Click here for the cat's first ever exposé]

The Jestrian has a cat.  He is a cratfy master of stealth and a budding investigative journalist.  We've sent him into the Exacta again to see how things are going following the Blue's title win.


Diary of The Jestrian's Cat - 11.04.12

8.58AM - Rolled into the car park on a passing bandwagon, much like approximately 2,000 of Monday's attendees. Sneaked into the building behind Neil. He has the swagger of a champion about him. Either that, or a limp.

9.54AM - CEO Pet Husky hasn't arrived yet, so I've broken into his office to watch TV. It's all adverts at this time of day. Apparently 8 out of 10 cats prefer Whiskas, but me and my mates are all Felix eaters.

10.30AM - Husky's finally turned up and I've had to quickly hide. I'll sneak out once he's hard at work.

10.40AM - Still hiding

10.50AM - As above

11.00AM - Still hiding.

11.06AM - Finally got out when Husky went to make himself a brew. I've just found the Evo Stik Northern Premier League trophy sitting in its cabinet. It is shiny, and I must have it.

11.37AM - Managed to lug the trophy out to the car park. Lupus helped for the last bit. We've hidden it in one of the potholes and we will come back for it later.

12.45PM - Stealthed my way into the Blues Bar and siphoned off a sneaky half of Spitting Feathers. I actually once spat feathers when I caught a particularly dry sparrow and carried it home in my mouth. There was plumage in my teeth for weeks. On balance, I think I preferred that to the beer.

12.56PM - That swift half is playing havoc with my insides. Regurgitated it into Robbie Booth's kit bag.

1.12PM - Outside the changing room. Sounds like the sick in Boothy's kit bag has been blamed on Scary Alex Brown. Got away with it. I am Teflon.

2.36PM – Neil’s in his office. He’s got all his manager of the month trophies stapled together and he’s using them as a calendar. I love Neil. He’s so resourceful.

3.43PM - In a corridor. There's some hot debate going on about whether admission prices should be raised or not. Of course, if the idea is to be a community club, they should not. If the idea is to get back to the football league and turn full time, they should be. There is a nonsense inherent in the idea that you can have both. The two concepts are almost entirely contradictory. I'd tell them this, but I'm a cat and no-one will listen.

4.30PM - The trophy's gone! The trophy's gone! I went back to pick it up and it's gone! I bet it was that Lupus! I. Will. Find. Him.

4.31PM - Found him. Turns out that media gazelle Jaffa Cakes caught him with the trophy. They're having a massive row. I might leave them to it to be honest.

4.48PM – Tried to take a wander on the pitch, but The Dee 106.3 cat chased me away. Very territorial, us cats. I'd do the same if that mangy tabby ever came anywhere near the Jestrian’s orchard.  Have you seen the state of him by the way?  Turned up to the Northwich game, the little glory hunter.  He's clearly been hanging round with some hungry moths somewhere without a washing machine.

4.56PM - The police have turned up regarding the trophy theft. Think I'll get an early dart.

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