Wednesday, 4 April 2012

Kendal Town 0-3 Chester FC - Match Post-Empt

Chester now need just five points from the next fifteen to win the Evo Stik title, but may need to accrue these points with an entirely fresh collection of players, as reports surface that the majority of their current squad were last night accidentally cryogenically frozen during their side's 3-0 victory away at Kendal.

"Hopefully we'll be able to regenerate them some time next season, but we haven't got the funds for that kind of thing right now," fretted media chap Jaffa Cakes.

Following a bright start, Chester found themselves in a tough game, though Chris Simm did give the visitors the lead after 11 minutes, turning in from two yards, meaning that his last two goals have come from a combined distance of one yard out.

Chester held onto their lead until the break thanks to a string of outstanding saves by Matt Glennon, a man who, upon arrival, was pre-described as "no better than what we already have" by presumably psychic Chester followers.

The second half started with conditions making things unhelpful for the players, and unbearable for the fans.  Following summer's brief appearance last week, snow fell in Kendal and temperatures plummeted quicker than John Disney in the vicinity of a flapping arm.

Chester scored a second goal, but no-one appears to be quite sure who got the final touch as, at this point, all spectators had had their eyelids frozen shut.

Christian Smith was first to surrender to the weather, begging his manager to take him from the field of play.

"The problem with Christian is that he's already so ice cool that when you mix that with the extreme cold, his blood actually turns into a substance not dissimilar to a Slush Puppy," explained physio Will Osbourne.  "Ooh, I haven't had a Slush Puppy in years.  Megabowl tonight, anyone?"

Ashley Williams was Smith's replacement and scored his first goal of the season in his second game since his return, making it three on the night for Chester, who also kept their fourth clean sheet in a row, capping off a fine day of contrived fun with numbers.

Neil Young was saved from the chill by wearing every jacket he's ever owned, but admitted "it's nights like this when I wish I still had my 'fro."

"Now someone get me a Bovril," he added.

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