Wednesday, 25 April 2012

Chances to see the trophy

Last year, The City Fans United provided Blues fans with several chances to see the trophy, and this year there will be even more.

Open Top Bus Parade
This will take place on Saturday, and will involve the Chester squad trundling through the city on an open top bus, probably a few feet behind a bunch of tourists doing the same thing.  Fans are expected to keep pointing out Chester Heritage Tour Buses, wondering if maybe George Horan is on that one.

When the bus finally arrives, fans will find something to criticise.  Past favourites have included bad views and the presence of directors on the bus.

"What do they do, day to day?" grumbled H Block snarler Henry Fishgills.  "Work tirelessly for free to provide the football I watch?  Is that all?  I begrudge them any small perks."

Meanwhile, Neil Young has moved to assure those thinking of attending that the event will be quite the spectacle.

"I've been practicing on the rail replacement buses at Merseyrail," enthused Young.  "I've got my technique down, and I think the fans will be really happy with their glimpse of me clenching a fist and lifting a trophy.  If you've got any plans, cancel 'em."

Awards Presentation Dinner
Scheduled for 19th May, Famous Colin Murray is being asked to miss the Champions League Final in order to confirm to a room full of suited Chester fans that he and Jeff Banks are still in touch.

The Player of the Year Award should obviously be given to Scary Alex Brown, who is three or four classes above the level at which he is playing.  However, given that Chester fans are mostly massive narcissists, they'll probably all vote for someone like Michael Taylor, in the belief that they will look like a more knowledgable supporter if they choose a player who isn't talked about all that often.

"I'm voting for Joe Ormrod," confirmed E Block regular Don Flippers.  "You less intelligent fans don't notice it, but the job Ormrod has done off the ball this season is incredible.  I know football.  Are you impressed?  Do you see how I'm better than you?"

Grenville's Memories of the Evo-Stik League
On a Wednesday afternoon some time in May, Grenville Millington will be fondly reminiscing about Chester's time in the Evo-Stik Leagues whilst members of the Senior Blues nod along.  After the event, there will be a chance to have a photo with Grenville, or one with Grenville and the Evo Stik Premier trophy.  There will be no option to have a photograph with only the trophy.

Jeff Bank's Airplane Lectures
Starting May 31st, Jeff Banks will give a series of four 6 hour lectures on the airplanes.  Each attendee will be forced to sit two written examinations and an oral test at the end of the week.  Provided they pass, each participant will be asked to donate £2000 to the "Save the Vulcan Bomber" fund.  Once this cheque is cashed, the donator will be allowed to have a photo with the trophy and Grenville Millington.

Exiles Trophy Day
Given that it is impossible for the Exiles to attend the above events, special provision has been made for Chester's most loyal stayaways.  On May 22nd, Neil Young will place the trophy on a Virgin Pendolino and send it on its way to London Euston, with an extortionate ticket placed inside it so that it's not booted off the train at Watford.  Provided theives and vandals leave the shiny pot alone, it will arrive in the capital around about half six in the evening so that "exiled" fans can throw darts at it before the train makes its return journey.

"I hope I don't get trapped on the train after I put the trophy on there," fretted Neil Young.  "If I'm spotted on a Pendolino, it'll be a massive PR blow for Merseyrail.

Witton Albion Evo Stik Northern Premier Trophy Extraganza (UNCONFIRMED)
The date as yet unset, and the entire occasion subject to the approval of The City Fans United, Witton Albion will be opening their social club and buying a trophy stand especially for the purposes of showcasing Chester's achievement. 

In keeping with Chester's way of celebrating things, Witton will providing their legendary goalkeeper Andy Oakes for photo opportunities.

All Blues fans are welcome to attend and if they want to take in a Witton game some time too, that'd be cool.

Magaluf Party Time
The playing squad are to take the trophy on their team holiday to Magaluf.  The airport lounge will be a great venue to see the trophy in its current condition before it comes back dented, bronze and with a handle falling off.

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